Novel Treatments / Atherton's Tale (beginning)

It definitely held my interest and this narrator is a cynic. But there is a truth just barely hitting the nail, that is: ...everyone is, or will be, guilty of some mortal sin… And you can even take out “will be.”

BUT…there’s that one transitional word…but there is a savior and love is the life jacket keeping us afloat.

So much for that. And that’s why I loved the cynic point of view of this character. It gives him plenty of room for change because an assassin’s life is hard and ...the way of a transgressor is hard. Taken from an old proverb.

This has a making for an excellent thriller/action adventure novel. You should continue.

I thought this was very good start. You pulled me in with your first sentence and makes me want to read more. There is sinister foreboding of what is to come.  I got the impression that we are reading the inner thoughts of a serial killer who thinks himself to be judge and jury of humanity.  Not entirely a unique idea, but still makes for an intriguing story.  Great job building up the suspense.  I look forward to reading more.

This certainly did grab my attention. It’s concise and sharply written, and the characterisation is strong. The narrator’s thoughts are interesting, but I do think they’re a bit morbid (eg the sun doesn’t give them pleasure, and they focus on kiddies battering each other). If the character were more humourous, then I definitely would be interested in reading more. Good luck

I would read the first chapter…when you say 2007..do you mean or current world? I cant imagine kids beating each other until bloodshed…teenagers but not kids. I started a similar story like this, but so far I like your version better. I want to know if he have supernatural powers or is just a murderer.

Within this short bit I had become engaged with what is going on. I am interested in seeing where you are going here. I hope you continue with this.

Intersting, but show before you tell.  Don’t be afraid to show us who he is before you have him introduce himself.  I think it might actually play better if you shock us with one of his jobs FIRSt and then have him explain himself.  that sets him up as the good guy… and makes us more likely to sit through the whole thing.

This reminds me of the Rolling Stones’ song, Sympathy for the Devil. Your giving the impression that this is a story, told from the perspective of death or some incarnate thereof. You’ll have to work hard to make sure that it’s separate from the rest of the types of stories out there.

I’m not saying it’s not possible, but it will be difficult.

Your questions in the first paragraph really grab the reader by the head and pull them in for more. I think that you’re on the brink of something and I would want to read more. Keep at it.

Thanks for sharing.

This is good, but too short for much feedback. The first-person POV brought me close to the story and I wanted to read the next line. My one humble suggestion has to do with ”...why I do what I do.” I think this character would have a name for his primary activity. Some names come immediately to mind: ”...why I harvest,” ”...why I scythe.” (Too obvious?)

“Red Rum” is an anagram for the word “murder.” So, he could say “…why I love red rum.

Nice work so far.

Not a bad start abd you’ve set up some mysteries with this stranger on some sort of mission or duty, and this world he is in. The character says ` I know now that everyone is, or will be, guilty of some mortal sin throughout life.’ – as far as I know `a mortal sin’ is to kill someone – and I can’t see that what is said could be true – but perhaps it is some fictional planet. Thought maybe character a dna wise eliminator – i.e. tracking potential sociopaths and killing them as babies, or he was from the spirit world.

I didn’t see the children hitting the other child as evidence of lack of innocence – to be guilty you have to know what you were doing – or insane/biologically determined. Including it, people may think that is what the character is trying to do.

Interesting, but vague premise thus far, yet I am intrigued to see where this story is going.

I like how the beginning makes you think about the word innocence. It really seems like you got into the character’s mind with this journal entry. The end makes me wonder what is the character’s job. I wonder if this person is an executioner?

Good job with this beginning. I like it. It definitely held my attention from beginning to end.