Novel Treatments / Atherton's Tale (beginning)

Not a bad start abd you’ve set up some mysteries with this stranger on some sort of mission or duty, and this world he is in. The character says ` I know now that everyone is, or will be, guilty of some mortal sin throughout life.’ – as far as I know `a mortal sin’ is to kill someone – and I can’t see that what is said could be true – but perhaps it is some fictional planet. Thought maybe character a dna wise eliminator – i.e. tracking potential sociopaths and killing them as babies, or he was from the spirit world.

I didn’t see the children hitting the other child as evidence of lack of innocence – to be guilty you have to know what you were doing – or insane/biologically determined. Including it, people may think that is what the character is trying to do.

Interesting, but vague premise thus far, yet I am intrigued to see where this story is going.

Intersting, but show before you tell.  Don’t be afraid to show us who he is before you have him introduce himself.  I think it might actually play better if you shock us with one of his jobs FIRSt and then have him explain himself.  that sets him up as the good guy… and makes us more likely to sit through the whole thing.

I really liked paragraphs 4 and 5, however, I would say paragraphs 2 and 3 still need some work. The last half of your introduction did catch my attention and make me want to read more.

This is really good.  It definitely draws me in and makes me want to read more.  I’m curious to learn more about this character, what it is he does, and how he ended up doing it.  Good job!

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December 30, 2008

by lostthunder

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thank ya…im actually gonna take it in a different direction from what was originally planned. but anyway, thank you again

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To answer the question does it catch your attention – yes after the third paragraph.

There is some good stuff in here and a very good start.  I am assuming that the narrator is an assassin of sorts and to have him start with the justification of his employment is a great idea.  He is clearly a psychopath (or is non-human) and appears in this to have no sense of remorse.  This would work well as he does give some justification in that he is ‘easing pain.’  You could develop this throughout the novel although there will need to be some sort of conflict in the narrator’s tale to hold our interest in this point of view throughout.

There were some jarring phrases which could be tightened up and re-drafted to make the thing slicker.

‘The story you are about to experience’  - this would be better, ‘the story you are about to read’ or ‘what you are about to experience’.

‘Innocence projects lack of guilt’ – innocence assumes lack of guilt

‘just today I was sitting the park’ – this is too chatty in style.  You want to draw the reader in.  This is the beginning of a novel, a thriller maybe.  Make it a bit more dramatic.  ’Today the sun shone.  I sat, surrounded by people, my face to the sky to take in what pleasure I could from it’s rays.’  OK maybe not your style but beef it up a bit.

‘I lessen people’s pain…  - this whole paragraph holds a great idea.  It’s the reason he does what he does but it’s not clear enough.  It would be good if you would start the paragraph with the last sentence and re-draft it from there.

I like the last paragraph although it’s a little vague.  You might want it that way.  The last line is great and I wanted to read more.

Keep going.  It’s a great idea.  

Within this short bit I had become engaged with what is going on. I am interested in seeing where you are going here. I hope you continue with this.

I like how the beginning makes you think about the word innocence. It really seems like you got into the character’s mind with this journal entry. The end makes me wonder what is the character’s job. I wonder if this person is an executioner?

Good job with this beginning. I like it. It definitely held my attention from beginning to end.

I would read the first chapter…when you say 2007..do you mean or current world? I cant imagine kids beating each other until bloodshed…teenagers but not kids. I started a similar story like this, but so far I like your version better. I want to know if he have supernatural powers or is just a murderer.

This certainly did grab my attention. It’s concise and sharply written, and the characterisation is strong. The narrator’s thoughts are interesting, but I do think they’re a bit morbid (eg the sun doesn’t give them pleasure, and they focus on kiddies battering each other). If the character were more humourous, then I definitely would be interested in reading more. Good luck