Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Diary of a Wannabe - Part 1

How to get rid of the body?

The murder bit’s the easy part. As long as you’re fairly quiet, or use a gag, you can spend as long as you like. At home. Nice comfy surroundings. You know where everything's kept. Everything you might need. Took a lot of thinking through, though, beforehand. The plastic sheet on the bed was a good idea. Not very nice to work on, but when they’re terrified, bodily functions can come into play.

A quick rinse, a deodorant spray, and Bob’s your uncle.

In a way it's a shame she had to die when she did, but frankly, I'd run out of ideas. You can only play for so long then you start repeating yourself. I didn't want that. Still, I was fairly inventive by anyone's standards. It'll linger in the memory that's for sure. I'll be better next time.

Now, think! How to get rid of the body? What did the others do. The well known ones. The fact they got caught doesn't mean they didn't have any ideas. After all, some of them got away with it for years. Perhaps they were just sloppy when it came down to the detail. I certainly won't be. Most of them were as thick as shit!

Bury it? You've got to get it out the flat first. You can't exactly bury it here. It'd be a hell of a shock for Mrs Perkins downstairs. Flush it in bits? - Neilson did that. It doesn't bloody work! Congealed fat and gory bits and pieces trapped in the waste. You can't afford to move, can you?

Make a list, and make notes.

1) Take it out whole. In a suitcase or something. Need to fold it up as small as possible. Better do it before rigor mortis sets in.

1a) At night! - No, stupid! A bloody great suitcase, now weighing nine stone something, down the stairs in a block of flats at night? How suspicious is that?

1b) During the day? Audacious! If stopped by a neighbour I could be going on my holidays. - Brilliant, bonehead! Then where are you going to stay for the next two weeks? In a tanning salon?

1c) Wait for rigor, and roll it up in a carpet. Hire a van and park it outside, and away! - Roll it up in a carpet? And what will you say to the landlord next month when he does his six monthly inspection? I'll bring the carpet back. Say I've had it cleaned.- Oh, for goodness' sake! Too many details. Too many things to go wrong. Keep it simple!

2) Chop it up and take it out in a series of packages. Carrier bag size. Stick them in waste paper bins all over the city. Could probably do it in ten bags. Two days max! - No! Not in London! One full carrier bag in a waste bin and some busybody will mark you out as a mad bomber. Ring the police. You face will be all over the ten o’clock news with three quarters of the body left in the bath.

3) Chop it up small. Take it out piecemeal. Not too often, mustn’t be seen to change my habits. Maybe just a little bit each time I go up to the shop, and the pub, and the Chinese. Just the same as normal! Use Tesco's "carrier bags for life". (A touch of ironic humour never hurt anyone.) They’re all the same. Take a spare and then I could dump one and bring back something in the other, fish and chips, a bottle of beer, a tin of corned beef. All nice and normal! - It’d take about a month doing it like that! Think of the smell!

You should have thought this through before you killed her in a flat. You can't change it now. Can you?

Oh, bugger. How am I going to get rid of the body?

How do other writers do it? I've been staring at the page now for hours.
 

You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.

Reviews

Sort Reviews by  Newest |  Oldest |  Highest Quality |  Lowest Quality |  Newest Comments | 

 
bickle avatar Random Review

July 03, 2009

bickle

personal info reviewer stats
bickle reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Hi,

Well, I found part one, and I’m glad I did. Very happy to see it’s not just me who finds the mind of a serial killer fascinating. I have studied many killers and the tabloidy books that are written in droves and most do not explore the inner turmoil, but concentrate on the gory details instead.

Are this people really any different from us? What part allows them to speak of throwing away another being as if a empty crisp packet.

I had only one problem with your narration, using such terms as “Bob’s your Uncle” etc. belies the true serial killer, amazingly some ninety odd percent are from middle class and well to do backgrounds and are rarely “Common as Muck” however, you have given a refreshing slant to this area.

I will read on and see where you are going…

Thanks

jakuper avatar Random Review

June 13, 2009

jakuper Prolific-icon-medium

personal info reviewer stats
jakuper reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

“Took a lot of thinking through, though, beforehand”—this sentence sounds very awkward with 3 hard/simillar/long words at the end. maybe:
“Though, it took a lot of thinking beforehand.”

“In a way it’s a shame she had to die when she did, but frankly,”—why is it a shame? You say it’s shame the time she died, though the later parts hint that you meant the way she died.

“Most of them were as thick as shit! “—then why will you want to know what those dumbs did?

“A bloody great suitcase, now weighing nine stone something”—“now weighing” sounds very strange. Leave “now” away.

What a nice diary. :-)

Emalie avatar Random Review

June 12, 2009

Emalie

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Emalie reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Excellent, I found this slightly amusing! Well written and makes me want to read more. This is my type of writing, good job.

jeanniecm1984 avatar General Stranger

November 13, 2008

jeanniecm1984

personal info reviewer stats
jeanniecm1984 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I like the dry, humorous tone to this. The murderer’s viewpoint is interesting. I can imagine him pacing around the room, wringing his hands and muttering all this to himself, even though it’s a diary, and then sitting down and writing out the list.

I’m not sure of what your plan is for this, or what else you have written, but you might want to go into how he planned it and why he finally decided to kill her.

I also want to find out more about this girl he killed! I’d read more.

Owl_Light avatar Random Review

November 11, 2008

Owl_Light

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Owl_Light reviewed Version 2 - Read 33% of the Item

This is so brilliant! Exactly what happens when you write yourself into a corner. Oops. Now what.Easy to get soemone killed, but the cover up and body disposal is the whole point of the book. So if you’ve no idea what to do now..Ha ha! I love it.
You’re asking for ideas for a plot.
well, how about cutting it up and putting it into pies. nope. Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovatt did that. erp..
I love your narrator..the bungling writer. So like me.
Well done for this thought provoking and hilarious piece of writing. Could it happen in real life?

Jollybob avatar General Stranger

October 18, 2008

Jollybob

personal info reviewer stats
Jollybob reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

This was definatly a unique sort of persective for this genre. It reminded me of a less-knowledgable Dexter. The story of a killer just getting started out and the trials and tribulations that come with it. About the learning curve of a killer. You know what would be cool? Putting all the parts (ten right?) in the form of a diary, possible have a opening talking about how the following pages were State’s evidence. But wait, I’m trampling all over your ideas and work! I’m sorry, but this story just sort of gave me a little inspiration wave that I thought was only fair to pass along to you being that you were the Muse and should get first crack at anything resulting…

tisha avatar General Friend

October 10, 2008

tisha

personal info reviewer stats
tisha reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Marvelous. I really liked the line at the end. So he’s a writer that is trying to figure out how to get rid of a body in his book. Here’s a grammar thing I caught:
“You face will be all over the ten‘o’clock news with three quarters of the body left in the bath.”
Also, your main character was a rapist that moved over into murder or was he planning to murder her the whole time?

jadedpoet avatar General Friend

September 23, 2008

jadedpoet

personal info reviewer stats
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Well, someone has backed themselves into a oorner here haven’t they? Murder is not easy for a reason, everyone would be doing it. Only the most clever ones think out each step before hand, not afterwards, so you are one step down the body ladder already. Seems to have descent flow, will look for parts 2,3,4 and 5 to complete this in my mind. Be careful with your tenses, a couple of skips here and there, a commom mistake. So far, so good, now onto part duece…

oknapp avatar General Friend

September 20, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

personal info reviewer stats
oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Too right, don’t  put it in the drain. too much of a mess.
Don’t make notes unless its’ his unconcious need to get caught. Notes can be found, traced and fingerprinted. Better to make mental notes. The serial killer ususally does his brutal acts for the attention. Most have the unconsious need to get caught. i am a psych minor.
now weighing nine stone something, down the stairs in a block  Probably an English phrase. It needs to be more coherent for us non-English people.
I like that you get into his head.
How do other writers do it? Are you speaking as a writer or a killer. How do other killers do it? I like the writer angle, though. You are a master. I can almost hear a creepy voice. Wonderful bravo. i LOVED IT.  Very creepy and suspensful. The twist at the end is genius. Sandi

FrakKevin avatar General Stranger

September 13, 2008

FrakKevin

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I dont hate this, but I’m not a fan of it yet. I need to just read one more part to get a clear understanding. I actually thought it was funny though and didn’t spot any errors. While reading along I was imaging each scenario on my head…kind of made me feel like an actually killer. You should post part 1 and 2 together I actually look forward to reading more of this.

Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →

Creator
wltshr avatar

wltshr

Age: 54
Loc: United Kingdom
Gen: M
Last Login: February 20
Relevant Links
Item Stats

GENERAL

6 Reviews 4 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 8 months ago

REVIEW QUEUE

Appeared in Queue: 11 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Large_criteria Ratings & Rankings
Versions
Version 2
Version 1
Tags

There are no tags for this item.