No you dont sound harsh! Thank you for the constructive criticism. It is nice to get a real review!
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Haiku/Senryu / Music-My Passion
I am passionate.
There is one thing I love most.
Music holds the key.
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stum reviewed Version 1 -
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Somehow I find it a bit blunt, especially when you say you’re being passionate about something. Maybe you should try a comma somewhere, instead of periods at the end of each and every line. Maybe a semicolon at the end of the first line.
About the meaning, does it mean that music is your passion? Because right now when you say music holds the key to something, it makes me think that music will help you in finding an even deeper passion, i.e. music is not the passion itself, it is something else. If it is music, then don’t say it holds the key. If it is not music and is something else, then is the reader supposed to be left hanging and wonder what it is?
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JustGeneric reviewed Version 1 -
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When I read the title for this, I just knew I had to review it as music is a passion on mine too. I think the subject is appropriate to this type of poetry, however this particular piece left me wanting a little more. Each line seems to hold a separate idea, not really flowing together at all. They seem disconnected from each other. Perhaps not ending each line with a period, and rewording just a tad would help make this more coherent. But I think the subject and the attempt are a step in the right direction. Thanks for sharing!
Idontknowguy reviewed Version 1 -
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Great. Understandable. Like to see revisions. More detail stuffed into small package.
CraziChick reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, you have 5/7/5.
I think I know what you mean,
you love music more than anything and you are passionate about it.
But others might read it as
Misic is your boyfriend(girlfriend/husband/wife) that you love more than anything and you feel very passionate about him/her.
Rephrasing it might help a little.
I personaly would:
Get rid of “I am very passionate.”
Change it to something along the lines of “Music is my life.”
Take out “There is one thing I love the most.”
Change it to something like “Music is beneth my soul”
and then change “Music holds the key”
to “Music is the key”
So the finished product would be somewhat like:
Music is my life.
Music is beneth my soul.
Music is the key.
If I sound harsh, I’m sorry!! :)
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very non-traditional, as far as haikus go. Generally, there’s some sort of nature elements or suggestions as to the passage of time. Since this poem clearly isn’t about that, that’s a minor thing. Another aspect of haikus, though, is that they’re generally structured to be active, present tense, or other wise suggesting that something’s happening. As it stands, your poem is very passive. Maybe changing the second line to “One thing grabs my attention”. Not the best suggestion, mind you, but hopefully that’ll be a springboard for further ideas on your end.
JigglePuff12 reviewed Version 1 -
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it is a very nice poem very deep in only short words. good use of sylables. first line 5 2nd 7 3rd 5. good tittle it fits it well you did a great job keep working hard. i did not see any spelling errors. a poem does not have perods it has commas.
DallasS reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. It’s very simple and to the point. And music is my passion as well so I agree with you. I think you could turn this into a full length poem and it would be better. It’s too deep of a subject to be a haiku, I look at it and while I enjoy it- I want to know more about your passion for music, What does music hold the key to? Your heart, your dreams, your paychecks, more details are needed…
kumorishokkou reviewed Version 1 -
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You need to know that haikus are 5-7-5 you put 5-8-5. But still this is such a true topic. Music does hold the key. You were very clear with your topic and picked an excellent topic. you still have some kinks to work out put you are truely a haiku prodigy.
mesmeriz3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very simple and direct. i like this—wish there was some sort of a metaphor though.
guild reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a lovely idea for this type of a poem. You’re syllables are in perfect order, so no problem there.
I would work on it some more and make it more descriptive, instead of using ‘is’. The thing you are writing about is ‘music’. (Maybe 2nd line should have read: Melodic sounds I love most.) Just an example.
Also, make the ‘title’ something other than words pertaining to the poem itself. A title should envelope the idea of the poem, when dealing with these types of poetry.
I hope this has helped you.
Best wishes.
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