well your points are valid this was a very rough draft. yes im actually in the process of rewriting this chapter. It doesnt help that there is a lot of backstory to this first book. and yes the first scene is muddled. but if your were in my mind it would probably make more sense as for the XXXXX that was where i wasnt done developing that part. which means i failed to post the current file :/ thanks for pointing that out. it will have an immediate re-versioning
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Child of the Forsaken Ch1-The Summoning (Analysis)
One
The summoning
There was no presence of life for miles. Blind forever are the unfortunate souls that end up lost in the Crystalline Desert. Blasted by the sun, the surface would boil any water left by rain. Sear any critter to dust. Large mounds of bluish crystal were scattered through out the land that jutted out of the ground and up into the sky—some over a hundred feet. The sands, lost forever from an explosion by the gods. What had been left behind was rigid and cracked glass that spanned for miles. The only being to walk within the barren land, and survive, had already done so hundreds of times. Some occasions were used for meditation. He would stand atop the tallest spire for days, withstanding the gusts and storms that were filled with polished and sharpened translucent rock. Other occasions were used to relieve the rage of his past failures, for which the scars were left on the ground and pillars. Large gouges from his blades and self made craters from his bursts of energy. He paid no heed as he punished the land, for the memories it has brought back had punished him in return. However, this particular occasion would prove to be different. The mirage had set foot within the landscape for a new reason. Redemption.
He had been tracking a group of religious fanatics he knew to be involved in the reincarnation of an ancient force known to few as the tortured soul. Their purpose unknown, but he knew they would lead him to this individual meant for destruction. A slave in the eyes of chaos, and enemy of the gods. The tortured soul wielded tremendous power and luckily for the planet he had been dead for a hundred and eight years, yet the wandering man knew this reign of peace was soon to end. The entity had arrived about every hundred years, and wiping out half of the planet’s life was the least of his threats. This hunting shadow had come to this place, his place, shocked that it would happen again in the same spot. Shocked that a hundred years had already gone by. What felt like a mere day to him. As he sensed the energy signatures of about twelve life forms underneath the shiny ground, he realized there was an immense structure beneath the floor. He immediately headed towards his favored jagged mound of blue for it was the tallest, he would be able feel for the entire desert up there. He jumped thirty feet onto a crystal that stuck out of the mound, then onto another, and one last effortless leap fifty more feet into the air. He landed on the very tip. He closed his eyes and felt for any life he could. Not only did he sense the twelve people, but a whole utopia of life that buzzed and scurried about. As it took his breath away, his was dumbfounded as to how he didn’t feel this before. A true testament of the tenacity of life. He had never come out at night and the moon was full. Its reflections lurked in the polished surface of the desert like a thousand eyes mocking him. Staring at him. Judging him. He never knew that underneath such a harsh place life could flourish. He sensed the exact location of the group he was following. They were no more than forty feet below the sterile shell. With the cold gaze of vengeance in his eyes, the cloaked man descended from his borrowed watch tower, and headed straight for a large crack in the jagged floor. He had found his target.
§
While the Crystalline Desert bore no life on its surface, its underbelly was home to a microcosm of creatures. From the single-celled plant life that provided air to breathe to the enormous lizards that dwelled under the borders of the desert, they kept life from spreading out too far—and and grabbed some easy meals. There was, however, a spot of the underground tunnels that was not home to such creatures. Humans had in fact gathered in some unoccupied caverns. One such human walked in a pitch black hallway, his glowing hands provided the only light. As he came around a turn and walked through a roughly carved threshold, the man was faced with a question from another of his kind.
"Ellor, it is time."
“Have they gathered enough energy, Windrel?”
“Yes.” Windrel tried hard not to show his uncertainty, yet the quivering in his voice told Ellor of his partner’s true feelings. Ellor too felt nervous yet he could not let that get in his way. The importance of such a night was more than most could comprehend. They would be birthing a new god. Their idol of chaos.
“Our lords will be very pleased with our actions this night”, Ellor commented as he put his hand on Windrel’s shoulder. As he sighed, windrel fought back the uncertinaty of their success and trusted his leader “Do not worry of our old nemesis…he has been slain by Pallous himself. Not even that tenacious wretch could best the Obsidian underlord!”
“Of course…the gods are on our side tonight. There is no doubt in my mind.”
“Well enough”
The two continued out of Ellor’s chambers and down a small pathway, just a small part of an enormous labyrinth beneath the Crystalline Desert. The narrow tunnel had broadened into a winding corridor. Its walls covered in a gleaming sweat that sparkeld from near by torch flames. As they reached the last turn of the hallway, the flickering glow was accentuated by the echoing chants that grew louder as they drew closer to the ceremonial hall.
Ellor and his companion entered the large room and looked upon an arc of ten shrouded figures, each stood in front of a monolithic pillar. At the top of every stone was a crucible filled with burning oil for which provided the rooms light. Each of these pillars had a unique carving on them that depicted some of the most powerful and prolific idols and gods from history. The monoliths seemed as if they came to life with the glimmering and bouncing fire light.
“Windrel, this group seems to be very young…their energy seems so…inexperienced.”
“My liege I assure you! While they are younger than our last group…this bunch is much, much stronger. They will make marvelous underlords for the idol.”
“These are mere teenagers…are you sure age wont affect their ability? Windrel, I don’t normally question your methods…but this?”
“No, no, no, no. My master…you need not worry…not only are they stronger than you think…but among these ambitious youngsters is none other than Highpriest Natis’ duaghter!”
“Dellia? Hah! That devious hound. He does realize what will happen to her, right?”
“Oh…heehee. A few details of her recriutment may have stayed on my tongue” Windrel grinned as he hinted towards his method of retrieving a powerful young mage. Dellia was a prodegy child in the magical crafts. And her father, a religousXXXXXXX
The two men approached the line of figures whom stopped their chant at the sight of their leaders. Ellor walked to the center of the room, where the object of the ceremony had stood, covered by a dark cloth. he swiftly wiped away the heavy blanket in a dramatic manner, as to unveil a grand treasure. Immediately after the leader’s action, the other disciples knelt down as to show respect and—at the same time—hide their eyes from a unseen seen object of artifice manufactured by their divine idols.
“Let this object be known to you as the Orb of Zeralus.” Ellor exuberantly claimed and continued to educate the underlings. “This magnificent creation that stands before you stores the immense power of the one known as the Tortured Soul. With his birth comes the end for all who oppose us, and a new regime can begin…one of excellence and justice! All of yoXXXXXu are important as well. You will be given the prestige of becoming his most trusted soldiers, and by his side we will all face our enemies!” Ellor couldn’t help but feel elated as he continued his speech. “In the War of Centuries, we will be unstoppable!”
Windrel handed a jewel encrusted housing to Ellor, whom removed the contents of the sparkling case. It was a scroll adorned with purple and red gems around the handles similar to that of its cylindrical casing. As the leader unfurled the scroll, it began to glow a bold crimson hue as did the orb. All the torches within the main hall had started to slowly dim until they had all gone out, leaving only the bloody light emanating from the dark mystical construct. He would then read from the scripture, in a language that only a hand full of people on the entire planet still knew, activating the scroll’s power to access the orb.
“Aib nabet Zeralus ult iltob’ nabet Malconi yebulech ic zedo epabzun okolso av zedo alo welakel ush zedo ulseolez!”
At first, the orb seemed as if it were made of a solid, glossy substance. As Ellor spoke, however, its surface began to ripple from a fixed point as if it were a ball of water. All of a sudden, from the center of the small waves did a tiny protrusion appear. Shortly there after, the small blemish with in this smooth surface slowly took shape. It was the shape of a nose, then soon enough a face was visible—having a very calm and tranquil disposition. No trace of malice or hatred was present—it was the face of a sleeping child.
Ellor finished the incantation.
“Yebulech ic zedo epabzun okolso ca zeduz ko pug loyuzo zedo okolso zeduz av ekdesd ronalyc za aib olopeg olt zedec keb zaledez!”
The focused mage rolled up the manuscript and handed it back to his partner, who placed it back in his robe, and in unison they both raised their hands in preparations of the final acts of this summoning. The other ten disciples were still knelt with their noses to the floor. They could not even comprehend the raw power within the ominous object. It was that of a god.
One of these underlings happened to be curious enough to look up and witness what all the intense sensations were. With each wave of their hands and each flick of their wrists did a brilliant slash of red and violet fire bolt through the air, screeching and roaring as if the flames themselves were alive.
While squinting as to avoid the bright flares from scarring her vision, the curious apprentice felt the subtle drop of dust fall from the ceiling. As to confirm that the fire show had reached the top of the temple she looked up, however the ceiling was still unscathed. As she tried to focus on something that seemed to be moving, another drop of dust and rock fell. The young mage figured that the commotion was causing the dilapidated structure to fall apart. As if the fear of the place collapsing in on her and crushing them all snapped her out of her streak of curiosity, the fledgling apprentice put her head back down and covered herself with her hands, in anticipation of a larger piece of the ceiling falling on her.
As the cult leaders approached the final gestures of the ritual, the child’s face continued to flow out of the orb in a slight incline, until finally his body was in a levitated state just above the dark priests. The child’s face still purveyed no activity, and no life. With his body floating, arms wide open, and head upright, it seemed as if he was held by some unseen force.
“It is time we wake you up!” The haughty Ellor pronounced as he and his partner brought about a large ball of black fire which had been stored within an inner compartment of the orb, separate from the child. Ellor had been waiting for this moment for three hundred and thirty-five years, four months, and eleven days. He had been counting every second that past, staying his patience for the time when he would be able to instill the Tortured Soul—for who he nick-named the God’s Bane—with the negative energy his dark lords had bestowed upon the orb.
The young curious mage felt herself weaken as the ball of hatred crept out from the large artifact. She thought that her class brethren felt the same burden, however as she glanced over she noted something very different. Instead of being weakened, the other young men seemed energized as if they were feeding off the ball of malcontent in front of them. Their young bodies had begun to change to a new form, as did their souls. Once the child would take on his new form of God’s Bane, then the other men would complete their transformations. Their groaning turned into growling, and the morphing students began to clench the ground, carving grooves within its granite surface.
The leader dismissed his second in command, and would finish the ceremonial summoning on his own. Bringing his hands down, kneeling to the floor, he whispered a few inaudible words. His eyes began to emanate the same violet tinge as the orb. Ellor was now linked with orb, and in this moment of intense mental focus he completed the link with the child alike, causing the young one’s eyes to open for the first time. Even though his eyes glowed the same hue as the orb and dark priest, the child still purveyed no life. It was as if he was an empty shell.
Ellor began to stiffen his arms, and with palms up he slowly began to stand. Following his lead, did a darkened flame rise from the ball of chaos, still connected to the orb by a string of fire, slowly ascending towards the child. The young boy, whose position lay a dozen feet off the ground, was about to be subject to the last step of the ritual. Once the darkened flame touched his toes, some realization had finally come to the once lifeless child. He did not know where he was or who this person below him could be. He tried to look around but found that he could not move his head, or any part of his body for that matter. As his eyes fixed on the wizard responsible for binding him, the child felt a strange sensation as the flames began to envelop his body. As Ellor gazed into the child’s eyes, he could see the boy’s fear and confusion, and knew that once this task had been completed, the look of fright and bewilderment would turn into a more loathing and calculating one. As he prepared the final words to be uttered, allowing him to channel all the raw energy of hatred into the child, his trusted partner interrupted him by whispering into his ear.
“Liege, there seems to be another presence within…” His words stopped.
“Within what?”, Ellor asked straining to keep his composure, “Within the temple?”
“Wrong.” Came a response.
Ellor felt a sudden jerk and then looked down to discover a long thin blade protruding from his chest. As he turned to confirm that his most trusted partner had just literally stabbed him in the back, to his disbelief he found that his cohort had just joined the other oblivious students by having his nose to the floor, yet his body still stood. A moment later, Windrel’s body fell to the floor, joining his head. Ellor began to feel the affect of his mortal wound. His bones began to feel as cold as ice, and his muscles began to tense up, yet he would not lose the link between him and the child no matter the cost. This Highpriest of Zeralus would not be so easily felled by such a direct attack to mere mortal flesh, Ellor thought to himself. By finite standards, he was immortal and only someone higher in power than him could bring this ancient life to an end. Ellor frantically searched for the true attacker, ruling out his comrade for obvious reasons, only seeing the ring of his ten underlings, who were still knelt down unaware of what had just taken place, for they were more occupied with their own savage transformations. Each of them had been mutated by the orb, with razor claws and distorted faces, they were no longer the group of anxious and unaware adolescences performing a scripted chant. They were now, and forever more, mindless servants of the dark gods. However, there was one unchanged student, Dellia. Having been unchanged by the orb’s raw malice, she was left to feel the burden of incomprehensible agony and pain. So suddenly, a boot had come into Dellia’s view. She followed the boot up to find a blurred figure looming over her. With glowing blue eyes and a judgmental tone the figure stated, “You do not belong here”, and in a blink he had vanished from her sight.
As Ellor paced toward the students, he noticed that his feet began to drag and felt as if they weighed each weighed over a thousand pounds. He looked down to find that his feet had completely frozen over, fusing with the ground below, and the cold burning sensation slowly crept up his legs. Also, in the shock of it all, he had somehow forgotten about the blade impaling him. No matter how hard he tried, he could not remove the blade. As he continued to struggle, he made it of the utmost importance to keep part of his mind linked to the orb and the child, as to avoid losing all of his progress. He then devoted the rest of his attention to delaying the spread of ice throughout his body. Windrel’s earlier comments made Ellor confident in his students’ ability to dispatch of this wretched assassin, yet all he could hear in the massive ball room were distant growls, snuffed out by the ringing sound of steal slicing through flesh and bone. One of the savage abominations came into Ellor’s view.
“Destroy him!” Ellor commanded. “Do not let that vile thing stop the ceremony!”
The energy Ellor had used to make his exclamation had been in vain, for just a moment after his verbal explosion, the freezing mage witnessed a flash of blue light streak across changeling’s chest. After the student’s torso had been covered ice and slid away, all that could be seen in the darkness was a pair of cold blue eyes closing in on Ellor’s position. Finally, the dark blur had come into the light of the glowing orb. The attacker stood six feet tall with a slender frame, garbed with tan and gold vestments, and a hood that provided enough shade so that only his eyes and his condescending grin could be seen.
“What’s wrong, you look…surprised.” The assassin removed his hood allowing his
whole face to be seen, a very familiar face to Ellor.
“You wretch!” Ellor spat, disgusted by the sight of the attacker. “I will not be defeated by the likes of…” his statement interrupted by the golden
figures next words.
“Such predictable statements…I believe that belongs to me”, the assassin’s sly remark was made with attention to the sword sticking out of Ellor’s chest. Ellor looked down to the blade, and looked back up to find the assassin reaching his right arm out towards Ellor. In that same instance, the assailant brought his arm back, causing the embedded sword to fly out of Ellor’s torso, and into the hand of the golden assassin. As the hilt of the blade ripped through his back, pieces of Ellor’s frozen spine and ribcage had fallen to the floor.
“Looks like you dropped something…oh great Ellor”, the assassin said mockingly.
“Bah! So my mortal body is beyond repair, my immortality will allow me to posses another body so I may continue my Lord’s bidding.” Ellor claimed with much confidence.
After displacing his retrieved blade back into its sheath, the assassin began to pace back and forth in front of Ellor, as to continue in his mocking.
“Tell me, do you really think after your grand failure, that your lord will allow you to continue failing?” the assassin continues, “I think your time ends now, and the futile efforts of your lords in this war are soon to end, what do you think, your…magnificence?”
The assassin continued pacing, allowing Ellor to rant on, which gave this mysterious figure the precious time he needed to reverse the progress of the ritual thus far. With his unseen gesturing, the unknown assailant did not struggle at all in undoing Ellor’s work. The darkened flame that had nearly engulfed the child’s body, had begun its retreat back into the orb from whence it came. If Ellor were to let on before the flames were vanquished, the assassin knew the mage would surely dispose of the child with a mere flick of his wrist, one of the only parts of his body still unfrozen. Destroying the child would have a more positive effect on Ellor’s side rather than allowing the likes of his enemy to capture the child, something the unnamed fighter could not afford to have happen.
“You arrogant fool, is it your belief that this time will be any different, or is it just your hope?” Ellor went on with his dramatic lecture, “The rebirth of this child means the end for you and your pathetic hopes!” Ellor proclaimed with much fervor, given the fact that all but his head was now frozen, “This war ends tonight! Behold…the God’s Bane!”
Ellor tried vigorously to turn his head to view his tool of destruction, yet when he finally managed to see the chaotic titan—he had imagined the child to have become—all that was there was just the child. There was no presence of malice within him and all of his progress had been snuffed out.
“W, What have you done!”
“It is over, this ceremony is no more.”
“No!” Ellor now filled with a strange confidence. “He will become the God’s Bane…not even you will be able to stop him!” Ellor triumphantly stated.
The assassin’s once playful visage had now become one of bloodlust and he closed in on the frozen mage.
“This ends now, Ellor.”
As the focused assassin collected the energy needed to send the dark priest into oblivion, Ellor’s eyes turned stark white, and he gathered all of his remaining power, allowing the frozen mage to conjure a darkened ball of hatred in front of his forehead. It then elongated, and took the shape of an arrow. He looked at the oblivious child, and hissed his next words as if his vocal cords had begun to freeze.
“You shall still belong to us!”
“ No! He will never belong to you!”
Within an instant, Ellor sent the blackened arrow out towards the child at the speed of thought. The assassin leaped into the air with such force that the dense granite rock from where he was standing had been shattered. He got to the dangling child just in time to block the bolt of energy, taking the hit directly with his body. While still in the air, the assassin sent out a lightning fast wave of his own energy towards Ellor. All the frozen mage could do was watch as his doom swept in, yet he left this plane of existence with an evil grin, and his fleeting words as he shattered into oblivion, “So you shall be ours.” Profound words the assassin did not hear.
Since the mental link between the orb and the priest had been severed, so to was the link with the child. His eyes had now closed once again, his young face devoid of expression, and his body had gone limp. Before the child’s body could begin to fall, the assassin snatched him out of the sky and they descended back to the ground. The child was completely unconscious, seemingly empty of mind and soul, yet the assassin knew there was much life in this young one as he held onto him tightly. As he struggled to hold back the tears that had been awaiting this moment, golden man felt that all the violence that had been committed this night had been just. That was, until a shocked yelp rung out.
“Y, You killed them all!” came a crackled statement from a young mage, with glowing her hands pointed towards the unknown assailant. “I don’t understand, what is going on?” Dellia screamed as she prepared to blast the man.
“I told you that you do not belong here.”
“I don’t belong here? Me?” Dellia questioned, as she continued in her line of thought, “You just killed all of my class mates, my teacher, and the town’s High Priest! We’ve spent three years studying about the god’s of justice, and the chosen one who would be born this night as the God’s Bane…aimed to destroy the vile Asteris, lord of lies…you just ensured that the war is a loss!”
The mysterious figure had begun to wonder when, or if, he should interrupt her when all of a sudden that had been done for him.
“Do you even realize what you’ve…” Dellia cut off by an unexpected rumbling. Both her and the mysterious man directed their attention to the orb from where the vibrations seemed to have been originating from. The dark red glow from the orb, that had once completely vanished, had now come back with more luminance than a thousand torches. The blood red light continued to increase in intensity and the shaking had become so violent that large cracks began to grow from under the orb, shooting out in all directions.
Dellia did not know what to make of these developments, and she looked to the man in gold vestments with the same confused and innocent glare a young child would behold. At that moment the golden figure knew that Dellia had not been completely corrupted, and had some semblance of a pure heart, yet her mind had still been affected by her environment. He would need help to undo all the deceit and inaccuracy that been taught to her. At the moment, his attention had come back to what was happening as a large piece of the temple had fallen in close proximity to Dellia. He knew that what ever was about to happen made no difference, they would need to leave as quickly as possible.
“Dellia, come here quickly!”
“How do know my name?”
“Just come!”
Dellia had begun to lose the angst toward the attacker and begun to feel a strange sense of trust and understanding. She couldn’t rationalize what was going or why this man did what he had done, yet she took heed towards his instructions. She had promptly closed the few feet of distance between her and the tall man, whom was still holding the unconscious child.
“Hold on to my robe”
“What are you going to do?”
“Just brace yourself”
“For what?”
“Just don’t forget to land on your feet” This last comment made with a slight smirk.
“Right!…Wait! What?!” Dellia struggling to understand what he meant.
The golden man, with the child in his arms, had brought back the glowing blue hue to his eyes, muttering a few inaudible words. Immediately, a swirl of air and dust had begun to circle around the three of them. It grew faster and faster with a very bright light coming from inside the vortex, which had nearly over-illuminated the crimson glow from the orb. The mysterious man had taken one last look around to the bodies of the slain students and experienced a brief moment of sorrow, and remorse for taking their lives, but more for what they would havve become if he had not put them down. He noticed some movement from one of the mangled corpses, however it was too late. The Swirling dust and debris had risen up to the ceiling and the light had fully covered the three awaiting an exit. They were gone within an instant, and only a few moments later the orb itself had begun to sink into the floor as if the burden of all the strife and anger within the orb was far to much to bare for the mere granite flooring.
The movement among the corpses, and only survivor by sheer luck, came to a sudden conscientiousness gasping for air and clutching at the deep wound along his torso. While in a dreadful and primal form, his state of mind was still somewhat his. Unable to fully open his eyes due to the blinding red light blasting out of the orb, he remembered the ritual and a sudden surge of a cold, burning sensation, and then darkness. He was able to witness the spectacle that would have been his demise had not an unknown figure suddenly appeared in font of him, yet this time it would be his salvation. And so, only a few moments after the child, man, and young mage made their dramatic leave, the injured beast and its savior had made theirs, missing the grand detonation of the orb.
Crackles of the orb’s casing had flown off smoldering hot from the intense heat. The surface of the orb, which was once fluid like water, had now become hard like glass, shattering and buckling under its own weight. Rays of bursting light had shot out through the cracks, burning holes in the ceiling and walls of the underground temple, continuing up to the surface and into the night sky. All the swirling dust and debris, along with the entire temple had instantly imploded into the orb, and then with a second of silence, followed the explosion only the gods could replicate. The initial blast had wiped out the crystalline desert, which had made up the temple’s upper ground and as the wave of negative energy progressed over the land, its destructive force had dwindled down to a mere passing wave of chilly air. Only seven miles from where the temple stood was the moderately sized town of Ingrall. This night, the dwellers of Ingrall would experience the coldest eve of summer, and the ramifications of such actions would remain unknown.
§
Off in a distant area, safe from the orb’s blast, the summer wind was prevalent, warm and caring like a mother’s caress. The preying owl remained silent and alert this night, for its game ran free in the hunting grounds, as the dense weather was a time for life and death to flourish. However, due to distant repercussions, the owl’s talons would go on empty and too, its stomach. Its only desire was to escape from the falling object that had so suddenly made its presence known by the flash of light from above. The owl just barely made it away safely, and with the objects landing came a shrewd, yet feminine, grunt. As Dellia struggled to sit up, she looked around trying to locate the mysterious man, yet he was nowhere to be found. She looked up to the sky from whence she came, only to find the waning cloud of spellfire. She reached up as if to grab on to her sanity before it dissipated. With that gesture went the last of her energy, and she passed out in the grape bush she fell in. She would spend the night there.
§
“So I still don’t understand, he’s supposed to be doing what? And why are we involved? And what’s that…smell?
“Well, for the fifth time, I don’t really know what he‘s doing, he just asked me to do him a favor. I was sent to the Glory Spire Monastery to pick up a parcel for him, and I was to meet him here. I asked you to help because you were the only one I could trust would be able to protect me, seeing as you were top of you class in combat, Aldran.”
Aldran felt a sudden spike of guilt as he remembered how his status was not so true, he went on to change the matter.
“Oh, that reminds me Marrek, you are going to complete my assignments for Master Agrodle? That was our agreement, right?”
“Yes, indeed. Oh, and the smell was when you stepped in a questionable pile of droppings, or maybe a rotten carcass of some sort.”
“Of all the things you have polluted my ears with, you somehow failed to mention that?”
“Yes that’s odd. At any rate, he should be coming soon.”
“Good! Because sitting out here with you is absolute agony.
Marrek fell silent for a moment. Aldran’s last statement hit hard to his somewhat sterile façade, as it reminded him of being in school with the other students. Most weren’t as smart as his little sister, he thought, and the ones that were never talked as much, they had learned their lesson early on. He couldn’t help it. The two had been sitting out under the night’s gaze for over five hours, and in that time Marrek made observations of the different species of trees and the germination process, the reason behind crickets’ chirping noise, and of course, how and why Trapdoor spiders make trap doors and do not rely on intricate webbing. Aldran’s patience was wearing thin, especially seeing that Marrek made many more observations over Aldran’s lack of patience.
“Where is he? It’s been hours!”
“I told you, Lord Jeragoff said he would be here at the point of his success. You know, Aldran, patience is a…”
“Marrek, if you say patience is a spiritual strength one more time, I will leave you here in this scary, dark, and spooky forest while I watch from a tree and laugh as your flame broiled body is devoured by a fire lizard!”
“Actually, if I’m not mistaken, the reptilians known as Flame Children aren’t indigenous to forests, they are more the cave-dwelling type.”
Aldran could not find the words to purvey his utter annoyance towards Marrek. However, just as he found yet another insulting string of words to use, a subtle rustling noise could be heard which grew louder and closer changing his train of thought.
“W, What’s that noise?” Aldran’s pitchy voice gave heed to his startled psyche.
“Ah, Lord Jeragoff”, Marrek stated as he looked back at Aldran, who seemed to have vanished, and then back at Jeragoff holding in his arms what seemed to be a sleeping child.
“Finally!” Aldran wailed as he climbed down from his panic-tree. Marrek looked upon his supposed guardian as superfluous, an unneeded accessory for which he would still have to write more assignments then he would admit to. As if Aldran’s potential failure as entrusted warrior was not bad enough, Marrek would now have to explain why he went against Jeragoff’s specific orders of waiting for him alone and not to tell anyone of his actions. The blue glow of anger came back to Jeragoff’s eyes and Marrek then began to rack his mind of how he could make this seem as if he didn’t do anything wrong by coming up with an elaborate story.
“Marrek! Who is this, wait, Aldran?”
“Y, Yes sir?”
“Does your mother know you’re here?”
“Uh, no sir, I mean Lord.”
“Good”, Jeragoff’s attention was back at Marrek.
“You see my lord, I was waiting for you here in the forest like you asked after I went to the neighboring monastery. And after I got here I found Aldran trapped by the biggest spider web you’d ever seen! And, and…”, Marrek’s story quickly became stale. Jeragoff tried to cover the child with his long and bountiful sleeve and scolded Marrek through his teeth.
“I thought I told you…no one!”
Marrek abandoned his ridiculous story of valor and friendship.
“Yes I know…I’m sorry. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle myself if something happened. I did get the item you requested though.”
“Child, I would not let anything happen to you, this section of the forest has been sealed off magically from anything that might cause you harm. Lest your companion fell out of a tree, that I could not, nor would I want to stop”, Jeragoff shot an accepting smirk out towards Aldran.
The humiliated teenager looked away and put his arm across his chest, as if to conceal his embarrassment. Marrek walked to the base of a large tree, and grabbed what seemed to be a moderately sized parcel wrapped in the usual cow hide and rope. There was something unusual about the package that he had not noticed before, a golden insignia of a winged figure. As Jeragoff took the package, he knelt down placing the child next to him. As he unraveled the rope and hide, he revealed some odd looking school clothes Marrek thought. Jeragoff quickly clothed the slumbering child, rubbing dirt into the newly purchased clothes, and ripping parts of the uniform.
“Come, we have a long walk”, Jeragoff stood back up with the child now fully clothed, “We should be back before everyone is up”
As the three of them walked on, Aldran and Marrek began whispering to each other about this child their lord showed up with. Aldran asked Marrek if knew he what their lord was up to, but the young scholar was just as baffled as Aldran. As they shuffled through the forest they could see a large wooden gate. It seemed to expand out on both sides indefinitely, standing just barely under the forest’s canopy. Jeragoff suddenly stopped right in front on the large barricade. He looked down to the child and uttered a quick string of undecipherable words and put his hand over the child’s chest. A small but bright light appeared and, with his hands, he began to guide the light down and around his body. Then, the light disappeared and the other two adolescences looked at each other with even more confusion than before. Jeragoff then proceeded to open the barricade, however all he did physically was flick his wrist outward in front of him. The doors fully opened, and as they walked through a voice shouted out.
“Stop there! Oh, Lord…Jeragoff?” Came a surprised voice from on high.
“Yes Al’ Kott, it is I. Please, never mind these children”
“Yes My Lord.” The tower guard knew better than to further question one of the Monastery’s leaders.
“Children, head home before your parents wake.”
Jeragoff took the child and walked down a darkened path. All that could be seen was the flicker of a torch’s flame bouncing off the cobble stone path. The subtle glare of the moon’s light could was visible on a row of windows. He passed by a few dwellings before stopping. As he opened the door and walked through the threshold, Jeragoff laid the child down, and checked him for any sign of conscientiousness. After seeing none, he left him there and walked back out to meet with one of the other leaders of the monastery. As Jeragoff closed the main door behind him, the child slowly came to. Everything seemed blurry and dark, yet the child felt very safe. As he laid there, he could hear the man that took him, talking not so far away.
“Yes, it went as planned. Ellor has been felled, yet it is possible that we may need to deal with him again”
“Gah! May we never be rid of that filth? What of the child, was he dealt with?”
“Unfortunately, yes. As he began to transform I had no choice but to put him down, just like the other’s.” Jeragoff’s obvious fib went unknown by the other monastery leader.
“One of the guards had reported that you arrived with three children and one had seemed to be injured.”
“Yes, the two older boys snuck out to view the full moon. I made sure they understood never to do it again. As for the injured child”, Jeragoff paused for a brief moment, “He seems to be of the Glory Spire Monastery. I found him unconscious. As I went to him, I found that he had mental trauma. After viewing his thoughts I saw that someone of guardian or parent title had done harm onto him, and he fled. I shall keep him here for few days while I investigate the matter.”
“We should get him back home and let the Glory Spire leaders deal with it.”
“Perhaps, but I shall keep him here until I know it is safe for him to return home.”
“Indeed, well I’ll let your return to your manor.”
Just as Jeragoff went back into his place of residence, the child had gone back to sleep. Jeragoff looked upon the child and noticed that he made a slight change in position, telling him the child was sleeping peacefully. He let out a sigh of relief as he muttered under his breath.
“Can this truly be real, after all these years?”
He sat in a comfortable chair near the child, and watched over him as the young boy slept.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 3 -
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This 604 word review has not been unlocked.
catluckey reviewed Version 3 -
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You have a fantastic way of describing your world, very unique and beautiful.
Here are some suggestions:
Sear any critter to dust. (You may be going for style, but this is a fragmented sentence, which new writers should avoid because pubs & agents frown on this. Seasoned writers get away with it.)
...of bluish crystal(crystals) were scattered…
...were scattered through out(throughout) the…
The sands,(sands were) lost forever from… (inserted verb; sentence is fragment without it)
Large gouges had molded from his blades and self-made craters had formed from his bursts of energy. (hyphen; added verb to make a sentence. There are more explosive, active verbs to portray this image.)
...luckily for the planet,(comma) he had…
...yet the wandering man knew this…(make this separate sentence;is a run-on)
He had never come out at night and the moon was full. (start this as a new paragraph to break up huge blocks of writing…don’t worry, I’m not talking about putting an xtra space between paragraphs…no xtra spaces happen thru uploading to URBIS, nevermind that.)
And her father, a religousXXXXXXX… All of yoXXXXXu are…(yeah, these are formatting errors. Nevermind, happened probably when you uploaded this to URBIS.)
Excellent conflict between Ellor and the assassin, makes the read exciting.
“Looks like you dropped something…oh great Ellor”, the assassin said mockingly. Yeah, I’m laughin’ with you.
You set up some great tension and foreshadowing, especially if Ellor will come back, will the baby be okay under Jeragoff’s protection.
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Curtastrophe reviewed Version 3 -
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As he sighed, windrel fought
that sparkeld from near by torch
its underbelly was home to a / underground
“…and and grabbed some easy meals.”—Extra “and”.
““Dellia? Hah! That devious hound. He does realize what will happen to her, right?””—This sentence reads almost comically. The two seemed serious and a bit insidious up until this point. Try to keep their tone consistent. Same holds true for the next sentence, ““Oh…heehee. A few details…”
“…a religousXXXXXXX” ??? This really took me out of the story. And then there’s, “All of yoXXXXXu are important…” Was this on purpose?
whom removed the contents . who
only a hand full of / handful
The part where he starts chanting nonsense I think could be improved. Perhaps look at some latin and then scramble it. The way it reads now, it looks like someone just mashed their fingers against the keyboard for a few minutes.
Another suggestion that I would make is to describe these characters, what they look like, and who they are. It wasn’t until, “…the bright flares from scarring her vision…” that I could pick up on even the slightest hint to these people’s identities.
Up until, “…down to discover a long thin blade protruding from his chest…” the story doesn’t really feel like it’s progressing. Since this is the beginning, I think readers would expect to be gripped by the story. In effect, the beginning really does have to be one of the strongest parts, or otherwise the people who would buy the book will just put it back on the shelf.
I think the part where the students turn into “mindless servants” is where the story really starts to pick up. Perhaps this scene could even be expanded and show the painful mutations that they go through.
“W, What have / W-what
I really like the part where there’s the energy projections being arrowed, but at “Since the mental link between the orb…” I lost sense of the scene. There was great clarity there for a bit and then poof I felt myself completely lost as to what was happening.
what they would havve become / have
The Swirling dust and / swirling
Off in a distant area, safe / Off in the distance,
Same problem I have with Marrek and Aldran—What do these people look like?
for any sign of conscientiousness. / consciousness
This story is still in its rough draft stages, but it holds a lot of promise. I found the first half it kind of tough to get through as there is a bunch of talking and plan hatching, but not much action or conflict or drama. I really couldn’t get an idea of where the story was heading, there wasn’t a problem or mystery set up that I could understand. The second half went much smoother. I’d suggest tightening the plot and fleshing characters while cutting everything that isn’t absolutely necessary to the progression of the story.
-Curt
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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to drag and felt as if they weighed each weighed over a thousand pounds. – pg 8. Minor mistake here. Not being picky, just noticed it and though I would point it out.
failing?” the assassin continues, “I think your time ends n – pg 10. You changed the tense here.
I’m not really a sci fi buff, however I leave this on my review list so that maybe I will learn the fascination. I think you have done a very good job here. Your narrative sets an amazing visual scene. I was totally enveloped with the detail. I felt as though I was actually there.
The dialogue was very believable. It flowed nicely, even with the imaginary language of the ceremony.
You also did a nice job with the characters. They were easily visualized, and the emotion and intent showed through. Very nice writing. Good luck on this piece.
Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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This is what my reviews will look like. If you want me to use less words (cheaper to unlock), I will have to be less specific, but let me know!
Nice intro. When the cloaked man descends, you don’t need “down” because descend implies he’s moving downward :) I like the landscape, and well done in leaving us to wonder what this target is.
“accentuated by the echoed chanting”—consider: echoing chants…?
“their energy seems so…unexperienced”—Did you mean to say their energy is yet to be experienced, or their energy is inexperienced (infantile)?
“hide their eyes from a unseen seen object” typo? :)
I like your grasp of creating a language. Did you construct it from scratch, or did you have inspiration? Some might skip the last half of a long stream of forign words. Most authors trail off after a few words and then use a tagline to describe the rest of the chant or incantation. But of course this is YOUR story :)
“He had been counting every second that past” —Be careful with passive voice. Sometimes it works, but more often a sentence is more concise and powerful in active voice (ie: ‘He counted’ rather than ‘He had been counting’). I noticed a few other places where active voice would make the sentence more readable, though in dialogue of course it doesn’t much matter. Also, past should be passed :) Maybe even consider: He counted every passing second…?
“Following his lead, did a darkened flame rise from the ball of chaos,”—‘did’ ?
”...back, to his disbelief he found that his cohort had just joined the other oblivious students by having his nose to the floor, yet his body still stood.”—this sentence is a little confusing. Perhaps break it up and rephrase?
Excellent job with the ceremony scene and escape. I think you could end the chapter with that, and start the new chapter with the Owl.
All the points I stated above are repeated throughout the chapter so to save you some credits I didn’t post them all. Look for those in your revision process :) Especially the word “had” or “had been” you use alot.
As for the story, you have a marvelous start! I would definitely read this novel. You do well with describing scenes and have a good grasp of vocabulary. I didn’t see much physical character description, but you describe them well by action and dialogue.
I look forward to reading more :)
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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The Crystalline Dessert is extremely beautiful. I like how the blue crystals jut up from the surface…so sci-fi like.
“Yes,(comma) my lord.”
...the decaying walls gave heed as to the age of its architecture… (This is confusing. Sounds like the walls are alive with magic, moving. Needs rewording.)
You don’t need the scripted incanation words. They seem to interfere with the reading flow.
You can lessen the usage of passive voice…like this: ...dense granite rock from where he was standing had been shattered.
...dense granite rock from where he had stood, shattered.
Also, be careful with point of view shifts.
“Good! Because sitting out here with you is absolute agony.”(add period and end quote) I really like this bit of dialog.
I like Aldran and Dellia. You’ve conveyed them with real feelings; we can connect with them. It’d be nice if they become romantically involved.
You have a fantastical story here. Just cleaning up the prose with blood, sweat, and tears will polish your gold.
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