If you need me to clear up anything, I’ll more than gladly do so :) Sorry, this was just a tough peice to review, and I’m not so good with poetry as it is. I liked the word choices and really had no nitpicks :)
Poetry / Sir, they've torn my throat out.
In the darkest part of night
I can feel you
bumping the perimeter of the bed
in an effort to undress quietly
and slip tight into my curls.
Time has no direction
in my room, in the late.
Guttered and lessoned,
Mouth unclosed against anything you ever asked of me.
I am only too happy to be told what to do.
The television is on in the other room.
My eyes are sealed to windows,
the flapping of trench coats
painfully stylish against the hems of skirts,
hats pressed firmly down--
but this is Texas, it's all for show.
My toes are chilled.
I can't locate socks.
I hope someone warms milk for me soon.
Well, do the best you can.
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B_HDouglas reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a romantic night meets awkward silence, in a normal sort of way. Passions are bent on a commitment to time, entertainment, styles, tastes, and the chill that comes from the depth of the night. It is like you still have to decide what you want, but not something phony, “all for show”. Of course you do, and your passions and needs are shown throughout the piece, yet not so much by telling, which is good. The imagry is well done, simple and eloquent, in its own perspective. I love the “bumping the perimeter”, it is provocative and completely real, waiting in anticipation with kindness, and togetherness.
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ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 3 -
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Delete this if it’s too far off.
This hits me strong and creepy, though not sexual. I think it’s your father. Why? ”guttered and lessoned” could be read as how a parent might act, both humiliating and teaching at once… ”anything you ever asked of me” suggests a history… “told what to do” as well suggests a parent. ‘Warming milk’ suggests comforting a child, and “do the best you can” makes me feel as if you’re talking to that parent… IOW, ‘I do whatever you tell me and it still doesn’t keep me warm, but I’m willing to let you keep trying.’
I see your father suffering, unhappy, seeking you out for comfort, honestly, pathetically, though not nastily. You want comfort (socks, milk) and he does too, cuddling up to you because he has no one else.
The TV in the other room… loneliness, a companion that fails to deliver.
I’m not clear on the trench coats and skirts, though I like the language.
Not wild about ‘darkest part of the night’ but I see why it’s there. There is a bit more of that sort of thing, but not much. Revision needed, but not retooling.
Sorry it’s not too thorough. More in comments as you wish.
DC_Karma reviewed Version 3 -
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I love the dreamlike quality of this poem. The first stanza, trying not to wake her(?) as he slips into bed, is really well done. I take it as she is awake, knows he’s there, but does not voice this; just quietly accepts.
The second stanza seems to back up this theory, with her quiet acceptance of whatever she is told to do.
I’m not going to pretend that the third stanza has a good visual for me. In this midnight theme, I picture moon-beamed darkness. People being visible as they walk by took that image away from me. But it does add to the silent thoughts of the narrator.
The last line brings back the night and all of its gloomy loneliness. Where has this sneaky night time lover gone? Or is he not home yet? The end seems to add to the feeling of quiet acceptance of the narrator. Kind of leaves a ‘wait for it to happen’ feeling within me, rather than a ‘go out and achieve’...well done on emotional appeal, and imagery (still with the exception of the 3rd stanza; it does seem a tad out of place to me). A great mood is created; I wish I were better at interpreting this-it still leaves an impact, though, and that may be the most important thing!
Claire_D reviewed Version 3 -
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My first impressions of the poem are a strong sense of betrayal. I have a vivid picture of an unfaithful partner returning from his ersatz lover, quietly slipping back into his marital bed and making second-hand love to his patient spouse. Gruesome.
Then again, this could simply be a sensual poem about the candour of sex, a confessional glimpse into a strange bedtime intrigue, or a deeper rumination on the co-dependence in modern relationships. Or a mash-up of all those elements.
The second stanza would appear to be more submissive, mechanical. It conjures up an image of someone submitting willingly in the hope perhaps that their troubles will past by “doing their duty” so to speak. The use of “guttered” is perhaps the most challenging word here. It puts in my mind an image of fluids being drained, being spat out.
The third stanza pulls the focus away from the bedroom, more to desultory thoughts swimming around her head in the fumbling strangeness of the night. It sounds as though she feels “on show” here, as though an audience are gathering.
In the fourth stanza, it sounds more akin to the unpleasantness of losing one’s virginity. The final line is especially needy sounding. Almost a plea to be mothered, to somehow regress back into adolescence and to be lead through the whole act with a tutor.
I found this a rather wriggly poem (in a pleasing way) that squirmed through a gamut of emotions, scenarios and images. My lasting impression is a plaintive acceptance, almost a lingering midnight sigh. It definitely conjures up the disappointments and more alien aspects of modern relationships.
Thought-provoking verse.
Claire
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 3 -
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S1 – Lose the first line, as night/bedtime are already implied in the rest of the stanza. The same with the last line. Since we already know that we are in your bedroom, late at night, there is no need to state so outright. I would suggest, “Time has no direction here.”, instead. I would also suggest changing ‘perimeter’ to ‘edge’, to carry the hard ‘E’ sound throughout the stanza, ie: edge, bed, effort, undress. Yes, ‘perimeter’ also has a hard ‘E’, but it seems to get lost among the other sounds in that word, and ‘perimeter’ makes it sound as if the person is bumping around all four sides of the bed, when they are probably just bumping one ‘edge’ of the bed.
S2 – It feels as though there is no transition between S1 and S2. I would suggest adding more to stanza two to bridge the gap between the image of someone quietly entering your room, and the not-so-subtle lessons learned thereafter. I understand the message of “guttered and lessoned”, but the paired, two-syllable words ending with ‘-ed’ doesn’t sound quite right to my ear. I do, however, like the word ‘unclosed’ in line two. I would suggest changing, “anything you asked of me”, to, “anything you taught me”, to fit the idea of ‘lessons’ from line one, and perhaps find a way to parlay the idea of being ‘schooled in the gutter’ throughout the rest of the stanza.
S3 – I assume that the images of trench coats and hats pulled firmly down, despite this being Texas, are a reflection of the narrator’s own apathy toward the lack of emotion/compassion in her relationship, but as written it reads as if the narrator is looking out through the window at a particular scene, which is implausible considering that the poem takes place “in the darkest part of night”. I would find a way to clarify this.
S4 – Each of the three lines in this stanza is a statement. You’ve probably heard people say, “Don’t tell me, show me.” This is a good example where more descriptive language would help to strengthen a stanza. Even something as simple as, “Toes like icicles in the absence of socks”, would help to paint a more vivid image in the reader’s mind, giving them something tangible to grab on to. Also, I would bring the image of the ‘torn out throat’ from the title back into the poem at this point, perhaps using the warm milk to soothe said throat.
I am not sure if it was your intention, but the idea of a woman giving a man oral sex appears to be a possible reoccuring theme throught the poem, ie: “torn throat”, “unclosed mouth”, even “warm milk” could be seen as an innuendo within the context of the poem.
One final suggestion would be to combine the last line of the poem with the preceding stanza, otherwise it feels detached from the poem, as though it is left dangling all by itself at the end.
Overall I get an image of a submissive person, probably a woman, who likes the security/familiarity of knowing what to expect from her relationship, even if it is only subconscious, but who still feels a bit cold toward her partner. She is eager to please said partner, but doesn’t feel that things are being reciprocated.
Thank you for allowing me to read/review your work. :)
jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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First two lines don’t seem connected to the others for me. I don’t think you need them.
tight in my curls – couldn’t decipher what you meant here. Is he trying to slip tightly in your curls? Are you tight in your curls? What IS “tight in my curls”? Maybe curves? Sorry, picture not clear.
The television is on in the other room – if you can hear the television from the other room, why would he be trying to undress quietly? Also, how can you see the windows if it’s “the darkest part of night
”? I see that ass pitch black – visibility 0%.
locate socks -> the socks: improves the rhythm IMO.
Consider a linebreak after “warms” (also can add “the” before milk, but it’s your call/style)
Last line also disconnected. To whom are you talking here? Yourself? The changed point of view is confusing here.
Overall, I liked the apathy towards pretty much everything in this piece, especially the “it’s Texas for you alright!” part. The end could be much better, maybe in the same tone, maybe a twist, but this way it’s too preachy and/or vague.
EAnonymous reviewed Version 2 -
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The first stanza is vague, and a little cheesy. I think you can cut it.
“slip, tight in my curls.” -> ambiguous; I think no comma and “into” would be clearer, unless I’m misjudging your intention. :)
Love your use of “guttered”.
“Mouth unclosed”... it seems like an overly complex way to say it, but after thinking about it, it’s actually just more precise. Very nice. :)
Stanza 3 -> I’d make that all one sentence; right now, the first is a fragment.
“in the other room,” -> comma splice; semicolon instead? Or new sentence. You do the same thing in the penultimate stanza: “chilled,”.
“sealed to windows” -> interesting; ‘sealed’ implies closed, but in context it seems more like “stuck”; otherwise, what good are the windows? It’s subtle, but I think it works.
“The flapping of trench coats…” this begins a sentence fragment; I’d rework it into a complete sentence.
The last sentence seems like a non sequitur. I understand you are referring back to the quote, but if you include the quote along with this, it’s completely unnecessary.
It’s an interesting poem; like a fractured glimpse of a moment in the author’s life; generic in some ways, specific in others.
I’m unfamiliar with the poem you quote, but out of context, it seems to have little to do with the poem, until the penultimate stanza, where it seems to imply the narrator is sick or ailing somehow. The poem itself seems to me to be more about the narrator losing her ‘self’ or independence to a lover.
I can’t help feeling I’d be more helpful if I’d read “The Tent”. Alas.
:)
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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You have an interesting array of images here. i am trying to grasp the meaning behind them. I am in love with the first three stanzas. I can feel the tension of something about to occur. Ok after this, you lose me completely. I can see a creeping image at the bed, but after this, it’s as if i am reading an entirely new work. The reader does not need to know who the image is, but he/she does need to know what the image is doing at the bed. This heart of the work is very ambiguous.
Is this person being robbed or about to be nurdered? I am familar with Atwood. The author tends to be ambiguous, however, the reader knows at the end of the work what is going on.
I suggest you go back and start again after stanza three and create some more concrete images. If their is blood letting so let it be. Let the reader know what the images is doing here at the bed. ?
I can feel you???? Who is the “you”
Guttered and lessoned,
Mouth unclosed against anything you ever asked of me. Unclosed is not a word and it doesn’t do anything for the work except frustrate the reader. Guttered and lessoned doesn’t tell the reader anything. Please make this clearer. You
Please see copyright laws on using a phrase from Margaret Atwood. I think you need permission.
You can make this good. I hope you take my suggestions in good faith and know that i wish to help not hurt. Good luck Sandi
Dexus reviewed Version 2 -
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Intersting. Flows well. Definitely character defining.
The only part that gave me pause was: “Mouth unclosed against anything you ever asked of me.”
I guess “unclosed” was just a little awkward. I might just be over-analyzing, but I don’t see how something can be unclosed unless you reverse time ;p Otherwise it’s known as opened or remaining open.
Well done! I really like this poem.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice revisions. First full verse has a much better rhythm now that some words were edited out and the structure rearranged.
I am only too happy to be told what to do. = I believe this changed as well? I find it less confusing now, but not sure if due to editing or follow up comments on last review.
Nice job!
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