Am so happy to get another gold standard review from my fav critic. The sun shines, the birds tweet. Ain’t life grand.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Chapter Three: It was a chocolate hob nob kind of day (Analysis)
I arrived at my office that morning to find out that Mable had already banked Semelia’s cheque and paid off my parking fines. I had told Mable to take out the pay I owed her, but being Mable I knew she would only take half of it.
If anyone was due for a treat it was her. I wanted to make things up to her big style. Luckily my morning was free of appointments; Semelia’s next engagement wasn’t until the next day.
I planted a kiss on Mable’s cheek and she handed me my car keys. Geez I have missed my old friend. I mean my car. I could not wait to get behind the wheel again.
“I’m just gonna take her out, see if she is ok.”
“Sure thing boss. Have fun.”
Everyone I knew had said to me at one point or another “Why don’t you get yourself a newer model? What is with the whole 70’s throw back?” But I could not bring myself to part with her, so many memories, good and bad.
My thoughts returned to Mable and I pondered about what kind of present I could buy her. From my experience all woman loved expensive lingerie and I was pretty good at estimating a ladies size.
I drove to the mall and spent an enjoyable morning browsing frilly, lacy undergarments. A shop assistant advised me that all ladies love ‘Aubade’. And so with a little squeezing and petting, to gauge sizes of course, I bought a bra and panty set.
My willing model come shop assistant was a young brunette with ample assets. She packaged the items and tied a wide gold ribbon across the box.
“Is this for your wife sir?”
“My secretary.”
“She must be good at her job.”
She was willing to give me her number, I knew the signs: she was playing with her hair, touching me, giggling and giving me a good view of her assets. But something stopped me asking. At that precise moment I knew that I had had my fill of young impressionable girls. Sure I had a reputation for liking them young, but all I could think about was Semelia. My shop assistant, Michelle looked disappointed. I gave her a commiserate smile, paid for my purchases and left the store.
Mable would no doubt tell me off for wasting my money, but deep down I knew she would be pleased. So I hurried back to the office keen to deliver my package.
A lot of people thought that Mable and I were husband and wife. Sure we dated years back, but it didn’t last; her tongue got in the way and she didn’t like me cheating. I placed the package on Mable’s desk.
“Well aren’t you gonna open it?”
“What have I told you about wasting your money? Geez, you’ll never learn.”
“I know. It’s just that I knew you would look absolutely smoking in this get up. I had no choice; it had your name all over it.”
Mable did her best to suppress her smile, but she failed and grinned enormously.
“You’ll never learn. Thanks JD.”
Mable only ever called me JD if I was in her good books. So for once I had done something right. Hallelujah. I also knew she was seeing a new guy and things were pretty quiet.
“Why don’t you put that clobber to good use; take the rest of the day off.”
Mable had somehow grabbed her coat, package and bag mid sentence and I mouthed the word ‘off’ after she had left.
The rest of the afternoon dragged. No phone calls, just me and the clock ticking. By about four o’clock I had had enough and I went home.
I arrived early at the office keen to find out how Mable’s date went. To my horror she was sat behind her desk nursing a black eye.
“What happened to you?”
“Oh it’s nothing. Johnny got the wrong idea about the undies.”
Mable was smart but not when it came to her men. She was dating another two-bit loser. I felt guilty, it was partly my fault; I had supplied the underwear. My mind was set; I would sort it out, go round to her apartment and put the frighteners on him. He needed a lesson in manners and I was just the man to give it to him.
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wltshr reviewed Version 1 -
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My fault! I should have read part 2 first.
Before I tell you my thoughts let me tell you what, for me, didn’t work:
“she handed me my car keys. Geez I have missed my old friend. I mean my car. I could not wait to get behind the wheel again.” I think you could lose “I mean my car”. It would read just as well, and it’s obvious in the next line what he’s referring to.
“70’s throw back” Should “throwback” be one word?
“I had had enough… ” Doesn’t read well. May I suggest “I’d had enough…”?
If you feel that you are able to maintain this style without detriment to the storyline, I salute you. A very easy read, and slowly we are getting to have a feel for the character of the narrator.
Keep it up.
Wltshr
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cluznar reviewed Version 1 -
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You have writing ability, crime novels would be your niche. Just keep writing.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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“I wanted to make things up to her big style”—this is good and it’s cute, although “big” feels almost too silly. or not. could just be me.
(Hello again, Hypatia!!)
“Geez I have missed my old friend. I mean my car. I could not wait to get behind the wheel again.”—hm…also cute and I get it, but it reads a bit weird. would you consider shortening it? Maybe, “My car was like an old friend and I missed her. I couldn’t wait to get behind the wheel again.” or not. up to you.
“Everyone I knew had said to me..”—this is a good segue into exposition about the car, ie. the style. it just reads a bit clunky to me and unnecessary. any other way you could relay this information? I’ll stop nit-picking now. maybe.
“ample assets.”—very nice. double “a’s” and it’s funny.
“good view of her assets”—boop! but there it is again. instead of assets, how about “cleavage,” or something more clever?
“I had had”—technically fine, but “I’d had” might work smoother.
I enjoy the playful naughtiness between boss and secretary. once together, now apart, secretary in a new relationship, yet boss still feels comfortable buying her undergarments. It’s naughty. Fun. I like.
“Mable had somehow grabbed her coat, package and bag mid sentence and I mouthed the word ‘off’ after she had left.”—i see what you’re going for here but this reads clunky again. Hmmm…how could you express this more concisely? ”Mable had managed to grab her coat, package and bag mid-sentence and my trailing words met a closing door behind her.” bah. something to think about.
OOOh! The black eye is a fine surprise. Well done. And the chapter closes with some nice anticipation. Very well done.
This is a fun story.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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This actually sat quite well on its own. The only missing element was Semella, and I am sure that past and future chapters will fill in missing details.
I’m afraid I don’t get the title of the chapter, but it could be American vs. Brit. Equally unclear is the title of your book. I don’t find it satisfactory, but after all, it is up to you, not me.
The writing went smoothly. A day in a life sort of style. You explained your character’s motivations well, though Mable’s boyfriend misunderstanding of the underwear seems a bit conterived—she could have received a bonus from you for Semella’s check and bought it herself. But men can be jerks, and damsels in distress deserve rescuing.
I enjoyed reading this. Not much to criticize—sorry to disappoint with that.
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