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Poetry / WORDS CAN NOT CONVEY
For twenty-six years now, you have been in my life.
You alone have been there during times of great strife.
Though, it isn't conveyed enough, I hope you know your worth.
It's you I'd pick if allowed to choose, from all the souls on Earth.
Never did I imagine, there existed such a man.
Handsome, strong and caring enough to do all he truly can.
So proud, your family most assuredly should be.
Though, the one Blessed most from you, is me.
When I think of you, I can't help but feel for you, though.
Because I'm quite certain the why you are here, I know.
From the Heavens up above, you were sent.
For me as well as others, an Angel, God lent.
If it was not for the assistance, caring and love from you.
You know as well as I, there's no telling what I'd do.
In all my years of life, never could I have predicted.
The darkness hiding in us and how people can be so wicked.
Here I am suddenly left with not a thing.
Learned real fast lately, life's not about bling.
You, during this time, have shown me compassion and love.
Which was Instilled in you at birth from our Lord up above.
However, most of us as far as that goes, seem to have lost it.
Each one of us creating on Earth, their own fire pit.
As I watch you go about your business almost every day.
Time and time again, I am amazed in your demeanor and way.
I am not the only one, there are many others you help, as well.
Though i've never heard you boast, brag, or of this help, tell.
My eyes are open now and I see, I mean REALLY see.
You must come form the Heavens, an Angel Jeff, you must be.
I tried to find a way to tell you, but "thank you" isn't enough to say.
How much you really mean to me, words alone can not convey.
Jeffery, I love you with more than just my heart.
Of my body, spirit and soul you have become a part.
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the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the sentimentality behind this piece, but I think the stuttered rhyming hurts it because it’s very forced and rough on the tongue. It doesn’t flow naturally (i.e. ‘the why you are here, I know’ ‘well/tell’ ‘heart/part’ I’d suggest restructuring the rhymes so they don’t sound choppy, such as
‘I love you with more than my heart, Jeffery
Mind, body, and soul, you’ve become a part of me.’
I love that you’re trying to express that emotion we’ve all felt that renders us helpless to convey it. The very idea behind this shows the depth of emotion in it, and I think that comes through quite well. I’d enjoy seeing this again.
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Indya reviewed Version 1 -
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These words “do” convey a great expression of love and gratitude. My only suggestion would be to play with the words a bit to make them flow better. I think if a poem or prose is going to rhyme, the words should flow well. Very well done!
Nemain_White reviewed Version 1 -
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I love where this is coming from, and there are moments of clarity and beauty in it. However, i feel that this is a very personal poem that might struggle to speak to universal experiance and engage your readers. perhaps you could try to alter it to be less specigic, we know the story of your love and perhaps loss but i want to know more about how that felt. the structure is nice but does’t quite match the narrative quality. you cold try rearranging it into a stream of consciousness or tighten up the ryhme scheme and tighter punctuation of the structure you already have.
carolinahermit reviewed Version 1 -
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Best dedication I ever read
The “though” rhyme seemed slightly off-suggest:
…I can’t help but wish you near
…certain the why you are here
would change order of paragraph to:
As….demeanor and way
Since most of us seem to have lost it
Each one of use digging our own fire pit
The last line was a tad weak-perhaps: With my body, spirit, and soul from the very start
You don’t need to change a word it’s a very sweet and endearing piece of romance as it stands
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