I was not certain you could pull this off a second time. A superb review with some really great advice. Same time next week?
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Chapter Two: It was a chocolate hob nob kind of day (Analysis)
I offered Semelia a seat and she sat down in front of me..
When was the first time you saw this woman?” I asked.
“It was at the do after the premier of ‘Blues Party’.”
‘Blues Party’ was my favorite film. I remembered the silky tones of the bass line caressing Semelia's flawless smooth skin. The flashback caused me to take a long deep breath. I tried to keep focused by writing notes. It was futile. Semelia’s presence unnerved me in a way very few woman had.
Semelia saw the copy of ‘The Tatler’ on my desk. I felt a sense of guilt, knowing how lurid the pictures of her were inside. I moved the copy into my desk drawer with an air of diluted embarrassment.
"Do you mind if I smoke?" she asked.
"No. Go ahead." She rummaged in her purse for cigarettes. I pulled out my packet and offered her a Marlboro.
"Thanks. I must have left mine at home." she said.
I lit the end and she puffed with short, rapid, gentle sucks. She didn't inhale.
“I need to hear every detail, no matter how insignificant.”
“She turns up at every event, before I arrive or after I have left.”
Her painted red lower lip trembled as she spoke. I don’t know why, but that delicate act of despair made me want to go all out to protect her. I swallowed a lump that had formed in my throat.
“Let me get this straight. This broad looks just like you?”
“Yes, except she is ruining me.”
“So, basically you want me to find out who this woman is?”
“Yes, yes, but discreetly. I don’t want any more of my private life to hit the press.”
“Don't worry, I intend to get to the bottom of this.” I stood up, walked around my desk and placed my hand lightly on her forearm. She looked up at me, but her gaze shot through me. Her eyes reminded me of someone that was beat.
I buzzed Mable, my PA and asked her to draw up a standard contract. She brought the contract in straight away. Trust Mable to be one step ahead. I loved that old gal. She also brought with her the two coffees I had ordered earlier. Mable brought a tray with a cafeteria, matching bone china cups and saucers, milk jug and sugar bowl. Not the usual old mugs we used.
Every day Mable suprised me with a new act of total perfection, always meeting the clients needs and style. She winked at me and mouthed for my eyes only. "Its all in the details honey." I slipped her a wink back. She was well overdue for a raise.
Semelia delighted by the dainty crockery stood up and filled the two cups with coffee. Her smile and graceful movements cheered me.
“This is a standard contract. It explains what you are hiring me for and what you will get in return.” I said.
“Where do I sign?”
“You have not read my terms.”
Semelia tossed her head causing some of her perfect curls to peek mischievously from her cloche hat. Her expression had switched to a look of determined confidence. The look dampened my protective instincts.
“I trust you Mr. Diamond. And I will pay whatever your going rate is.”
“I will need say $5,000 up front to cover any out of pocket expenses. My hourly flat rate fees can be paid at the end.” I paused for a moment to gauge Semelia’s reaction. She looked un-phased. “I will also need a copy of your diary. From here on in, where you go, I go.”
Semelia opened her purse and pulled out her cheque book and pen. Both items matched and bared her monogram of S.B. She wrote out the cheque and placed it on my desk. She looked pensive, troubled and I wondered what was on her mind.
“Mr. Diamond I have never had the need of a chaperone. I keep all my relationships private. You realize the press is going to have a field day seeing you at my side.”
“We may have got our wires crossed. I was thinking along the lines of bodyguard.”
“I’ll have my secretary fax you over all my engagements. Is that all you need from me Mr. Diamond?”
“Please, call me Jack.”
“Ok. Goodbye Jack.” She shook my hand, but I didn’t want to let go. Semelia walked from her chair to the door. I was left alone with her cheque and the lingering scent of her perfume..
In my profession you get good at reading the signs. Normally I can sum a person up in a few minutes. My gut was telling me her little girl lost routine was all an act. I hoped I was wrong
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DC_Karma reviewed Version 6 -
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I haven’t read the first part yet, but will review it backwards; I like that I don’t know who you are yet.
I really enjoyed this part of your story. If you are going for all out cheesy detective tale, you may have to turn up the cheese :) This is an interest catcher; sorry :)
Nitpicks:
You need an opening quot. mark on the second line.
”...in a way very few women had.”
”...made me want to go all out to protect her…” I think this could be better phrased; I love the opening with the trembling lip and how it made him want to protect her, I just think this sounds a bit off as compared to the rest.
”...reminded me of somebody who was beat.” Someone who had been beaten, or someone who was defeated? This isn’t clear to me here.
”...for my eyes only.” Should be a comma instead of a period.
“Semelia(,) delighted by the dainty crockery(,)”
“Goodbye(,) Jack.”
I like the lingering scent of her perfume line; adds good atmosphere.
You left off a period at the very end. A suggestion? “I hoped I was wrong, but had a hunch that I wasn’t.” It seems sort of obvious, and he would be naive to just ‘hope’ as a PI.
Thanks for the read!
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Nolina reviewed Version 6 -
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Okay, but you’ve still got a ways to go to be the cheesiest. I like that snappy last paragraph and you are writing good dialogue in general, but do some tightening up, just for the sake of flow and to keep that fast noir rhythm. Like you don’t need to light “the end” of her ciggie and repeating old twice in a graph, etc.
Watch out for overwrought language like “delicate act of despair”—this is too small a moment for that.
I don’t know that this is all cliche, but I also wonder why people would want to read something that is all cliche? I wouldn’t but then that’s me.
You can do that or other writing as well—so keep it up anyway!
REM reviewed Version 6 -
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Your writing style seems to be perfect for a crime/mystery novel. I was sincerely pulled into the story right from the first chapter. The style and dialogue are too good for me to find any real flaws in. Of course it is all a bit cliche, but I get the feeling that is sort of what you were going for? One thing I did notice was,
“I buzzed Mable, my PA…”
I don’t think it’s necessary to explain that Mable is the PA again. It was already stated just a chapter before. But like I said, that’s nit-picky. Great job, and I am looking forward to reading/reviewing more!
Marvin reviewed Version 4 -
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“She was very pleasing on the eye,”—this is wonderful, however, this is a “tell” line. What does she look like? A priceless work of art? Which one? The Mona Lisa?
“Semelia’s flawless smooth skin”—this is good but comes just too late. couple this line with the statement that she’s “pleasing to the eye.” if you’d like. i’m just one man. with one opinion.
“diluted embarassment”—nice. i like this. although, embarrassment is misspelled.
“I watched her rummage in her handbag”--or she could just “rummage in her handbag” without the reader feeling “forced.” you could cut “i watched her” if you want. allow me to have a bit of freedom to see these actions without steering my eyes. but again- up to you. i’ll try to stop nit-picking now.
“I noticed”—kill it. sorry.
“Every day she suprised me with a new act of total perfection”—this is good exposition. It subtly comments on a relationship between two of the characters. well done. and i think i’ve read an earlier incarnation of this story….
“and as smooth as cream.”—similar description came earlier. maybe consider mixing it up more.
Overall?
Not so bad. It’s a bit rough around the edges and some of the language could be tightened up, but the characters are there, the setting, the dialogue. You’ve got all the pieces. I’d only suggest you consider re-working it, with as few words as possible to make it run smoother.
But yeah- Gumshoe Detective, hot broad, a bit of mystery- it’s fun.
keep rocking.
Marvin reviewed Version 2 -
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“I looked across at Semelia”—looked across what?
“The flash back”—flashback
“I don’t know why, but that delicate act of despair made me feel like I wanted to go all out to protect her.”—this is a good line for characterization, but it reads clunky. to me. is there a more concise way you cold say this? or not. up to you.
“She wrote out the cheque in silence”—is it necessary to tell us she’s remaining silent? there’s no dialogue so the reader can infer that she’s being silent. small things like this slow the piece down. tightening up your thoughts and sentences will make this story bounce better.
“She looked as if she was carefully plotting her words.”—this is a “telling” line. what does she look like? ”Show” me instead.
overall, you handle the dialogue well enough and the story pushes forward, but it’s often held up by long sentences.
but it’s got imagination and you’ve a good ear for detail, so putting the iron to this a few times and sharpening your focus will help immensely.
good work.
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