Hi Harold,
Thanks for the useful review. Film noir is in the sense of cinematography, black and white 1940’s style. Nationality is a tough one, I want impeccably dressed tough gentlemen and ladies that stand by them, good manners being paramount. Thanks again for your kindness. Hypatia X
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / It was a chocolate hob nob kind of day (Analysis)
That morning I was meeting a new client, Semelia Browning. She had made a name for herself, starring in a couple of film noir tasteful soft porn movies. To say I wanted to make a good impression would be an understatement. My nerves had got the better of me. I had a bad feeling, a sense that I should have given up and started over. None of my socks matched and I managed to spill coffee down my last clean shirt. As I tried to sponge off the stain I couldn't help wondering why Semelia had chosen me. A wealthy woman like her could have had her pick of investigators. I donned my long beige trench coat and matching slouch hat and stepped outside.
It hadn't rained in weeks. A dull grimy film of pollution coated the streets and buildings. The heat of the sun had sucked out every last drop of moisture. It left me feeling drained and expectant all at the same time. Despite the heat I still had my image to consider, so I pulled up my collar and set my slouch in a downwards stance. I placed a Marlboro into my mouth, struck a match on the sole of my shoe and lit the end with an air of perfected moody nonchalance.
My trusty sedan was out of use, thanks to one too many tickets. And so, I walked the three blocks to my office. Semelia said she'd be there at 2:00 pm. I was running about ten minutes late; it never paid to be too keen for a new client. I imagined the scenario as I walked; Semelia worried that her husband was cheating and me comforting her. It was always the same, the ladies expected it from me. Who was I to argue?
Jack Diamond, Private Investigator was etched into the glass door of my office. Jack Diamond is not my real name, but investigating is more about acting the part. And, John Fudge does not have the same ring to it. I turned the handle and entered into my Jack-world. Mable, my PA, sat at her desk. She was filing her nails and chewing gum; a sight that never failed to lift me.
“Any messages for me doll?” I asked. She looked up at me real bitchy like. I knew she hated being called doll, but she's a PI's PA for Christ sake.
Today of all days I needed a smile from Mable, I immediately regretted upsetting her. Women. Despite her hot and cold moods I'd be lost without her. And yes, I am man enough to admit the reason I am still in business is down to Mable.
“No messages John, I mean Jack, but Semelia Browning is waiting in your office.”
“Ok, dollface. Hold all calls. If anyone asks say I am on a stakeout. Two coffees when you’re ready.”
I waited for a few minutes before I opened the door to my office. Semelia stood in front of the blinds, a perfect female form in silhouette. The words 'burlesque' and 'champagne glass' popped into my head.
"Jack Diamond, at your service," I said, "How can I help?"
She stepped away from the blinds and faced me.
“Semelia Browning, ” she replied with a stammer. She offered me her delicate gloved hand. "It's just too awful. I don't know where to start."
My sincere face mastered over years of practice, like an undertaker’s training dropped the moment I eyed her ample bosom. She was talking, but all I saw was the way her breasts jiggled, yearning to be free from that tight corset. She was very excited. Wobble, Wobble. Just one more jump to freedom. She caught my stare and I felt like a naughty school kid.
“Do you mind if I take notes?” I asked, desperate to keep things professional.
“No, no not at all. Please do.”
She started sobbing into a silk handkerchief. This was too good to be true. She was an original femme fatale. It was like all my Christmas’s had come at once. On my desk was a closed copy of 'The Tatler' with photos of Semelia in various poses, to promote her latest movie. I could easily recall the images and as she stood before me, she looked even better in real life.
"This woman is ruining my life," she cried.
I listened to her problems and decided it was time to take stock of my situation. She sounded like someone who's only problem was an overactive imagination. One thing was certain, this lady was class and way out of my league. For her I would be prepared to go the extra mile; a dollar is a dollar right? And from any purse it smells just as sweet. At least I could pay a few bills and get my Sedan back.
Semelia didn't have a husband or a current boyfriend. And, her legs were as long as a cooling drink and twice as refreshing. I knew then that my day had just got a whole lot better.
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capnb4 reviewed Version 9 -
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Well, you set us up for cheesy and we got it.
Way too much detail on setting and stage business. You never did get us to the problem. It was like an introduction that never ended.
Cut out 80% of it and define plot.
Could be a nice screenplay if developed thoroughly. Needs much more thought and planning.
Sorry
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tonis_kain reviewed Version 9 -
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i like the idea, and love the “jack” character lol he’s classic but let me give you some plot layouts: 1. you could ad another detective to the mix …kinda like jack’s opposite where jack has money problems and car troubles the other guy does not,jack/john works as a PI cause he needs to… the other does it just to piss jack off… and he’s good real good… maybe they have a pass? ex high school rivals? one was a quarterback the other a running back competing for the same girl’s… hand for the homecoming dance… but some how this past comes in to prospective when jack sees his rival give miss browning his contact info (did i mention they have offices across the street from each other lol) both men are hired by the beautiful and wealthy miss Browning after jack makes rushes out to ‘shew’ off his rival( to make things easy for a comedy write ) lets just say neither one gets paid unless her case gets closed but she didn’t say anything about sabotaging each others problem solving skills, planting false evidence ect ect meanwhile Miss browning is planing a hoist of sorts – crown jewels, bank job who knows or fixing the grammys:0 ….
nice start
Harold_P reviewed Version 9 -
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I admire the ambition of this project. Few writers have a definitive goal in mind when writing and have their characters’ traits planned, their plotlines worked out and their ideas straight. Reading this, for the most part, this seems to be the case.
The prose is prim, it is confident and abounding in sass. It slips into conversational asides when mining its comedy and pulls the plot onwards well before the laziest reader would start to skim onwards.
Points:
I was unsure about the comma after ‘herself’ as this phrase normally runs on without punctuation.
‘film noir…’ = Film noir and soft porn are two different genres, one upmarket the other not. Did you mean she was in two genres of film? If not, I would omit the film noir, leaving the focus on the sleazier side of her career.
I love the expression ‘slouch hat’ although I have no idea what it is. Your description of her raiment is pleasing here.
‘dull grimy film’ = perhaps one adjective too many here?
‘set my slouch’ = to me a stance and a slouch are two contrasting ways of holding oneself. Perhaps imply the angle of slouch was different, rather than using stance here.
‘Jack-world’ = is this what he calls his work? It seems a little fluffy for a hardened PI.
As the tale progresses, Jack hardens as a character, forming into pleasing mixture of DCI Gene Hunt from Life on Mars and Douglas Adams’ incompetent PI Dirk Gently.
I like the infinite possibilities this chapter leaves us with. The tone is not any cheesier than thousands of modern serious PI detective stories, and actually stays within the genre rather well. I would work on rounding out the voice of the narrator, as right now he sounds like American, more Welsh or British. His nationality is tricky to place.
The sexual intrigue and sleaze is compelling. I would definitely read on, had I picked this up in a book shop.
Cheers,
Harold
carolinahermit reviewed Version 9 -
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In a tasteful film noir porn film and its sequel
understatement. I wanted to blow her socks off…and then her pantyhose-popped into my head
I think film noir tends to repeat thoughts twice
started over; the sense that I should have staid in bed that morning
a wealthy well-formed woman like her-alliteration my bosom buddy
It was the kind of weather streak that made you bet you were in Vegas. It hadn’t rained in weeks-lay on the cheese please!
Marlboro-coffin nail/cancer stick
Trusty sedan-jailed jalopy
too keen for a new client; he or she might smell/pick-up on your desperation
the perfect scenario
not my real name, but it made me sound harder than the rest…and John Fudge would have been too soft.
Filing her painted/polished nails and seductively chewing her gum-if she’s lifting your day simply by that I have to assume she’s attractive, unless she’s comical
She looked up at me with those long-lashed pearly blues/greens/browns real bitchy like
Door to my office. It never hurts to let them sweat.
The perfect feminine form in risqué silhouette
She sauntered/sashayed away from the blinds
Velvet/silk-gloved hand
The moment my eyes fell upon/stumbled/plunged into her ample bosom
Tight imprisoning corset
too good to be true; a certifiable drooling lust wish granted. An original femme fatale; a genuine damsel in distress who’d I love to undress. What a wonderful gift to unwrap she’d be. Like all my Christmases had come at once; and Santa had stuffed two stockings for this bad little boy just right.-triple layer cheese dripping with grease
Taking in the voluptuous scenery I listened to her problems and decided it was time to let some of the blood flow return to my brain to take stock
As long as a Long-Island Ice tea
butterfly323 reviewed Version 9 -
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“My nerves had got the better of me.” -You might want to consider revising to “had gotten”.
“Private Investigator was etched into the glass door of my office.” -The word “was” insinuates past tense and suggest that this is no longer the case.
“Mable, my PA,” -You might want to consider not using an abbreviated version of a term the first time that term is used. It seems to be the habit in most books to spell it out the first time it’s used, and abbreviate thereafter.
Semelia’s mood appears to change rather quickly from excited to sobbing with no reason. This is slightly confusing.
Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed your story (and mystery isn’t even my preferred choice of read). You caught my attention and I am curious to know what Semelia’s need for a PI is.
BrokenPoet12 reviewed Version 9 -
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Jack is the typical, jaded and bored investigator. He seems strung out, and bored with his life. Investigating seems like it would bring more excitement, but for him, you’ve shown the exact opposite. Writers who make characters bored, often make the story itself boring to readers. I figured on what to expect by the time the first paragraph was finished and I wasn’t disappointed. I’m not saying that’s bad though. I’m curious about what the woman wants him to look into and perhaps you could provide more detail in this portion of the story, unless you’re planning on continuing it. Your language for this type of world is perfect, though a little too preachy on Jack’s end. I think the fact that he is bored and unimpressed with life is a little too overstated. Other than that, the story was good.
dove2010 reviewed Version 8 -
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“She had made a name for herself, staring in a couple of”...”staring” should be starring
This is really well written. The grammar is really good and so is the dialogue. You descriptions are really good and easily pulls the reader into the story. I hope you continue it because I would love to see what happens next.
dukelemoyne reviewed Version 8 -
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“…her legs were as long as a cooling drink and twice as refreshing.” This line alone is worth the price of admission.
You have a good grasp of your characters, and can move them along as real people. You just have to take care with your language.
A lot of spelling and punctuation gaffes. Sloppy text adversely affects your intended meaning and is off-putting to the reader. Use word processor check programs, your eyes and your voice to test the strength of your sentences.
“And yet, despite this…” Awkward, unwieldy. How about “but”?
“…drained and expectant all at the same time.” This phrase is usually one of direct comparison (happy/sad, wet/dry, cold/hot). It doesn’t seem to fit here.
“…I still had an image to consider.” “my” image.
“…a downwards stance.” I know what you mean, but it sounds awkward, imprecise.
“My trusty sedan was out of use, that’s another story and a different client.” Simply say the sedan was out of use, or briefly comment on the reason. “…thanks to Dunlop and his Uzi.” We don’t have to know everything. We’ll WANT to know everything, but that’s enough for this story. Just don’t tell us you’re not going to tell us.
Thanks for the read. Good luck with this.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 8 -
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“Staring in”- Starring in.
This is well written but very typical of the film noir genre. It needs an original slant in it somewhere.
The story also starts very slowly.
If he’s going to be a typical chauvinist, he could do with being a bit funnier and a bit less production-line P.I.
He doesn’t react to Semelia in the way you would to a celebrity. Granted, he’s a hardened P.I. I’m not saying he should be starstruck, but he didn’t even tell her that he knew her.
Why did he think she had an overactive imagination? What did she say exactly? Put us in the P.I.’s shoes.
snarfus reviewed Version 8 -
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I see you’ve made some changes, and subtle enough that it’s not a jarring one. The big thing I noticed is you added a little more introductory exposition about Semelia. It fleshes out her character and doesn’t slow down the story.
One thing though, if you want this to be a crime noir spoof, you need to play up the goofball analogies that private dicks make. For example, in the Naked Gun Movies, Leslie Nielson quips “Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.”
Now, at one point, Jack says “this lady was class and way out of my league”; I would change that to something like “this lady was class, but I had a habit of getting called to the principal’s office” or “I was the kinda guy that always got tagged out at first and this fastball special was way out of my league.”
Overall, though, I’ve noticed a good deal of improvement. My only other suggestion is we should see a little more of Mabel; she seems like a spicy dish and I just picked up a whole bottle of antacid…
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