Thank you. The grammatical errors will be the same through all of my chapters, I’m shocking with grammer. And yes, that explenation did help!
Thank you
Jodie
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Killer instinct (the Tempest) chapter 2
Chapter 2
Balboa Park San Diego California
From 9.00pm December 10th 2002
I made my way down to the crime scene, my feet sinking in the mud as I walked. My partner Chris Chambers and boss Ron Kennedy walked at my side. An area of bustling men and women gave the otherwise quiet park life. Freezing wind bellowed into my jacket as I spotted the yellow and black crime scene tape where the victim would be. ‘Agent Sloane Conway, FBI.’ I said as I flashed my badge at the young male cop who was clearly attracted to me. ‘Pictures last longer.’ I said as I passed under the crime scene tape, Chris and Ron not far behind. I crouched down next to Jeremy, an Evidence response team unit (ERTU) Supervisory Special agent. ‘What have we got here Jeremy?’
‘Evening Sloane. We just so happen to have what looks like a young child, were not sure though. The body is severely burnt.’
‘Severely burnt as in how?’
‘The body is charred black, take a look for yourself.’ Jeremy said pointing to the body were a swarm of people were either standing or squatting. The photographics operations and imaging services unit (POISU) were taking photos; the flash from the cameras burning into my retinas. I took my steps carefully as I moved closer to the body, making sure not to disturb any evidence. The small body was completely black with deep open abscess looking wounds. The clothes were mostly all torn and burnt away. A set of cloudy blue eyes stared up at the cold night sky. Small patches of chestnut brown hair were left atop his mangled head. For just a moment I wanted to walk over to the body, hold the child’s hand and pretend that everything was going to be okay. I only hoped that the child had been burnt postmortem.
‘What has the M.E. had to say?’ I asked walking back over to Jeremy.
‘Not sure of the exact time of death but it was definitely at least a day ago based on the ambient temperature, if not more. It’s a male child, estimated age about nine.’
‘And what about evidence?’
‘The body was dumped here. No top soil has been blown over it yet so it hasn’t been here long. Nothing around the body seemed to be disturbed at all, except one of the ERT’s saw a spot next to the boy where there was no moisture on the grass. We assume that that’s where the killer stood to place the body.’
‘Found anything to get back to trace evidence?’
‘We always have something for TEU. All of the results will be on you desk tomorrow morning, bright and early I promise.’ Jeremy said winking.
‘Thanks Jeremy.’ I said walking away from him. I caught sight of Chris, his long wavy black hair sat neatly on his shoulders. I walked over to him. He was standing with Ron and a uniform cop that I didn’t recognize.
‘That man over there is the jogger who found the body.’ Chris said pointing to a clearly shaken man in joggers clothes a few meters away. ‘This is Constable John Weary, he was first on scene, and he was the one who took the statement.’ Chris introduced me to the young officer. I shook his hand. He was clearly upset up by the scene, I wondered if it was his first.
‘It’s nice to meet you Constable Weary. I’m sure I’m not asking you anything you haven’t already been asked, but did the jogger seem upset by the scene?’
‘Yeah. He was very upset, screaming for help. He didn’t really want to leave the body.’
‘How close was he standing to the body when you got here?’
‘Right beside it, he said he thought it was an animal until he got close.’ I turned to Chris.
‘So it could have been the jogger who disturbed the grass near the body. How long ago did it rain?’ I asked. Chris’ dark brown eyes ticked over as he thought.
‘At about eight.’
‘What time did the jogger find the body?’ I asked turning back to the young cop.
‘Eight forty three exactly, he had a watch on.’
‘So he was probably the one who disturbed the grass which means that the body was dumped before eight.’
‘Probably.’ Chris said. His attractive, tanned face seemed distant. He often did this at crime scenes. I knew why but I didn’t like it. I thought he worked best when he had an emotional attachment, it motivated him. I felt a hand on my shoulder and flung around, usually I would have disarmed the person. It was a reflex that I’d learnt to control since being with the FBI.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you. My name is Detective Dale Lockwood. I’m running this scene at the moment, you are Agent Sloane Conway?’ A small woman, maybe 5’4” stood before me. She had an attractive face with darkish skin and dark eyes. Her curly brown hair bobbed as she spoke.
‘I guess my reputation proceeds me, but if this is regarding the FBI taking over this investigation you probably want to speak to my boss, Special agent Ron Kennedy.’ I said pointing to Ron, he walked over to us.
‘It doesn’t really matter. This is a crime against a child, so therefore this is a case for the FBI, that’s why we called ERTU.’
‘Sure.’ I said nodding my head.
‘Can you please have all of your men pass on their reports to the Federal office for us then Detective Lockwood?’ Ron asked.
‘Not a problem, wouldn’t want to get in the way of the Feds.’ she said in a sarcastic tone. It made me mad. We’d been nice and she was pulling cop versus FBI shit on us.
‘Listen Detective Lockwood, there is a little boy lying over there in the grass dead. We haven’t argued with you about taking over the case and you seem more than willing to pass it over so what the hell is your problem?’ I asked, trying to control my tone.
‘I don’t have a problem, do you?’
‘No.’
‘We’re good then aren’t we?’
‘We’re just fucking dandy.’
‘Whatever,’ she said walking away from me and Ron. I wanted to go after her but didn’t.
‘Little person syndrome’ I said turning back to Ron. He laughed.
‘Sloane you’re working this case for now okay?’
‘How is that going to work? What about R.S’ case?’
‘You’re going to have to work that as well, just until we get some agents from another field to take this one from you. You and Chris are really the only agents I trust with a case against a child, it won’t be long okay?’
‘Got it.’ I said walking to Chris he was still standing with Constable Weary.
‘I need a fucking cigarette,’ I said to Chris.
‘And then you’ll need a new set of fucking lungs,’ Chris said laughing.
‘Oh you’re clever.’
We both stood for a second, the cold air was almost refreshing on my face.
‘It’s going to be a long night Christopher,’ I said smiling.
‘Why is that Conway?’ Chris asked smiling back.
‘This is ours. For a while anyway,’ I stood nearly as tall as Chris at 5’10” he was only just 6’0”.
‘Are you serious?’
‘Ron needs to get some agents from another field in.’
‘I have something for you dear,’
‘What?’
‘Have you seen this?’ Chris asked handing me a trace evidence plastic bag. Inside it was a Zippo lighter. I recognized it immediately.
‘You are Joannie Sceats, never forget that. Love Raven.’ I read the engraving out loud.
Chris grabbed me by the arm and moved me away from the Constable. When we were at a safe distance he stopped and spoke.
‘This case just hit a whole lot closer to home. You should be distancing yourself as much as possible.’
I looked at the lighter. I knew who’d had it, and I knew why they’d left it. Suddenly I needed that cigarette a whole lot more.
‘It’s Whiteman Chris, he’s back.’
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kurt_canty reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t get far. There were a few inconsistencies that stopped me in my tracks. If the body was burnt black how would there still be clothes more or less hair. I even had problems with the eyes of the victim. With the body being so charred how could you even tell the color or the eyes were?
The protagonist seemed a little full of herself but I believe you were going for that affect. I liked that aspect.
I will spare you the credits and end this now.
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DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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“My partner Chris Chambers and boss Ron Kennedy walked at my side.” place a comma before and after each of their names.
“‘What have we got here Jeremy?’” Because she is speaking directly to him, you need a comma before his name.
”...is severely burnt.’” burned (the same for her response)...(and for ‘burned’ postmortem’)
“A set of cloudy blue eyes…” If the body was burned this badly, the eye probably were pretty damaged to say the least. I was also surprised that any patched of hair remained.
“I asked walking back over…” comma after asked
“Jeremy said winking.” comma after said
It’s pretty consistent with the mistakes from the prologue. In the dialogue tag, usually a comma follows: replied, said, asked, or whichever one you choose. Unless you add the action to when they are speaking, ex: I asked as I turned; He started when he saw my expression. Generally, if the next word after the tag ends in ‘ing’ you will need a comma. Hope that helps or makes sense.
“It was a reflex that I’d learnt…” learned
“for us then Detective Lockwood?’ ” comma after ‘then’
“I said walking to Chris he was still standing” comma after said, comma after Chris (or even a semi-colon would work there, I think)
“‘I have something for you dear,’” period instead of a comma
This took me on an unexpected turn from the prologue. This was a pleasant surprise-the added suspense, and trying to puzzle out the pieces that were offered at the end. I was going to mention that the character was very well developed; but I guess she would be, wouldn’t she :) Great job at keeping the reader interested and on their toes!
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a pretty good chapter. You have an interesting plot that kept my interest.
Just a few things that I think would make this even better.
“where the victim would be” You don’t need to say this. We all know the significance of the crime tape.
“was clearly attracted to me.” Don’t tell us this, show us. How does she know he’s attracted to her?
“‘Pictures last longer.’ I said” longer,” I said. If he was staring, what was he staring at. Was it her face? Hair? Breasts?
“got here Jeremy?’” here, Jeremy?”
“were not sure” we’re
“were a swarm” where a
“were taking photos;” took photos – try to use active language when you can. It’s more immediate and draws the reader into the story better.
“burning into my retinas.” Burning seems a little too strong. Could be just me. If others mention it I’d take it out;)
“The clothes were mostly all torn and burnt away.” This is awkward. How about something like, ‘Only tattered strips of clothe remained for clothing.
“his mangled” If they can determine the sex of the child, earlier I would say ‘what looks like a young boy,’ instead of ‘child.’
“‘What has the M.E. had to say?’” ‘What did the M.E. have to say?’
“I promise.’ Jeremy” promise,” Jeremy
“I said walking” You use too many dialogue tags like this in a very short space. It becomes monotonous after while. Use more of a variety. Use action tags, like I walked, Jeremy winked.
“in joggers” jogging
“dark brown eyes ticked over” I’m not sure that eyes can tick over
“‘Eight forty three exactly, he had a watch on.’” It seems odd to me that after the shock of finding a dead body he’d note the exact time.
“‘Probably.’ Chris” probably, Chris
“to Ron, he walked” as he
“I said nodding my head.” I nodded. You can sometimes substitute an action tag for a dialogue tag.
“of the Feds.’ She” Feds,” she
“I said walking to Chris he was still standing with” I headed toward Chris. He still stood next to
‘It’s Whiteman Chris, he’s back.’ ‘It’s Whitman, Chris. He’s back.’
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This story moved along quite nicely. Since I haven’t read the firt part (haven’t been on URBIS for a while), I don’t get the whole picture.
My only complaint would be that you watch your punctuation a little more closely. There’s commas missing in some sentences and a couple of minor misspellings, but overall it was executed quite nicely.
The plot setting of a child murder, especially something brutal as this, might call for some delicate handling. I’d like to know more about Sloan, the Whiteman, and what the message on the lighter meant.
Nice job, good reading.
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