Non-fiction / Diets (Analysis)

I like to travel and before I came to America I did, but then my world turned to shite on a grand scale. Not that I'm blaming America, I actualy like this country a great deal and I don't need too much in life: just a regular, decent paycheck to keep me and all that would come with it. I.E.- a good home, large television, a comfortable bed in which I can actualy sleep, good pussy which isn't neurotic, a truck; preferably red and American made, Pink Floyd, Jetski, quality maryjane, and decent bars where they play something other than country. My tastes are not unique or fanciful in any way, for example at this moment in time and as long as I can remember I have been using a new diet fad called:

YOU HAVE NO MONEY-YOUR PARENTS HAD NO MONEY, BUT IF THEY DID THEN THEIR CHILDREN'S FOOD NEEDS WOULD HAVE COME A LONG WAY BEHIND HAVING CIGGERETTES AND BOOZE AND SATALITE TELEVISION-WHICH MAKES IT ALRIGHT BECAUSE THEN YOU ARE USED TO HAVING HUNGER PAINS AND CAN SURVIVE ON VERY LITTLE SUSTENANCE AND STAY EXTREMELY THIN. I'm calling it the YOUR FUCKED DIET- coming soon to a Walmart near you.

What have I gotten myself into?

And why did you come here your asking. Well, fine reader, what brought me here was an ex wife, and here is specificaly Bangor, Michigan- it isn't quite Scotland, but it's home for now and I've seen much worse. Funny thing is my ex wife got up and did a runner Kalamazoo where she might just fit in as they, like her, think the sun shines out of their arses, and I (the cultured European) gets dumped among the heathen. But do not feel sorry for me! Pity is not needed. I am a hard bastard and will make it out alright in the end.

I have been to Amsterdam five times and lived there for a spell. Amsterdam is where I met that Evil Bitch eight years ago so it held romantic value as this was where we first met and fucked, though the sex was not great she does have certain witch powers and had me in sick love spell making me convinced she was quality, which she was not.

Her mate was far prettier! I should have tapped her and ignored the Ice Queen right off the bat, but she was American and I have always been infatuated by the idea of living here. Too much American television back home, and not enough food to keep my senses intact.

The one I should have hit was blonde and a wee Florida Angel ,my ex wife on the other hand had weird hair, bad make up, and was a Michigan Devil. No brains, what so ever.

We got married in 1999 in a display of sheer and utter pigheadedness. It was obviously a bad idea but she wanted me and I had no idea what the fuck I was getting into so I went along with the ride. I try not to judge people, that is why I didn't run like fuck when I met her horror of a mother and white trash siblings. To think of that first meeting I must congradulate myself on the charity I once held in my heart, because these days I wouldn't give any of the cunts the time of day- let alone sit down and try to communicate with them- apes that they are. Her grandma liked the fact I was from Scotland as that is where Rowdy Roddy Piper is from. Nice!!! I like the fact that I know what soap is and don't have to wipe my feet when I'm leaving the house you dirty bastards.

Is this too angry for you? Hard fuckin cheese, mate, read it and weep!

Ever been to Venice? Barcelona? Gibralta? Paris? Distant memories, to be sure, but so what I have a nice collection of ash trays.

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