Poetry / Murder at Sea
Elle swims no more
her arms dead weight.
Lips don’t smile
purple and frozen.
Nor body brown
bruised black.
Not writhing in pain,
at the bottom of the ocean.
Elle loves no more
her heart dead weight.
Eyes don’t shine,
wide and open.
Nor hair gold,
mottled green.
Not writhing in pain
at the bottom of the ocean.
Elle dreams no more
her mind dead weight.
Breasts don’t heave,
hard and fallen.
Nor lungs pink,
busted grey.
Not writhing in pain,
at the bottom of the ocean.
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And? She’s dead. This doesn’t make me like her, hate her, wonder why she’s dead, or where, et cetera. It doesn’t make me ask a question or want to know more or feel bad that she’s dea or glad.. So what is the intent?
You don’t need the comma in the 2nd to last line, 3rd S.
Ok, so I have a hard time understanding why you’ve chosen to neglect words like ‘are’ and ‘is’. I see this a lot in poetry, but I can’t see that it helps any kind of economy of word. I see you’re going for an archaic tone, a bit (or, if not, it came off that way to me), so I suppose in that context I can see what you were going for, but I don’t feel it adds.
Also, this description in particular was lost on me:
“Nor body brown
bruised black”
It’s a complete thought (or, incomplete sentence) and I don’t know what you’re trying to say. She was tan? She was African? She was a horse? I suppose there does rise a question as to why she is bruised black, as I suppose I assumed she’d drowned (though that wasn’t insinuated at all).
Just my thoughts.
Good luck!
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