Great thoughts! Thank you!! ;)
Warmly,
Jenny:)
Flash Fiction / Chums
College chums, pals, maybe cold-blooded killers. They take him from his dorm. Trash bag ties bind his wrists. Visions of putrid green dumpsters fill his mind. They pull a sham over his head, pull a scam on him, he thinks. His glasses fall and break, leaving a distorted view of the plaid inside the sham.
The rumble of the car, the squeal of tires. Bouncing and jerking inside the back seat. Teeth snapping down on his tongue as his heart beats, ratta-tat-ratta-tat-tat. Glistening copper filling his mouth. Jimbo, he thinks it’s Jimbo, shoves a whisky bottle beneath the sham, scam, sham.
Hands grabbing him, shoving him onto pavement. The hands push and the sham comes off. Blurry ghosts. A red Trans Am grinning like a demon, doors open.
He backpedals. They follow, taunting him. Their vicious laughter tears the air with monster teeth and gargoyle claws. They swim toward him like ravenous sharks, after their chum.
In the foggy distance he sees the lights of salvation shimmer in the blackness. Smelling blood, the sharks advance. He runs, his heart beating in rhythm with his flapping feet, ratta-tat-ratta-tat-tat. They shout behind him, telling him to stop, to come back. He can't focus, can't see.
The concrete disappears. Whooshing air surprises him. He is falling, falling. The lights aren’t there, only a far pavement, rushing up to greet him. It slams into him with the force of a compressor. His teeth snap down.
Atop the parking garage, the sharks turn back to the Trans Am, folding inside like rubber dolls, and close the doors.
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KindredSpirit reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty terrifying. I’d say it fits well into the horror genre. Excellent title and its double meaning. The short sentences create an eerie rhythm, suspenseful, we don’t know where you’re taking us, then you underline the rhythm with the ratta-tats. Good job in having us see and feel what the subject is experiencing, ‘Blurry ghosts.’ I know it isn’t a poem but the few places you used rhyme enhanced the piece so well I suggest you add one or two more, maybe, ‘gargoyle claws that paw.’ I’m sure you’d do better than what I would suggest.
‘In the foggy… blackness.’ – I would separate this line because it’s from the subject’s point of view and by separating it, it prolongs the momentary hope of salvation. Just a thought.
Nice ending, closing the doors is strong and final. I wish I knew the feelings of the sharks at the end. Was is purely vicious? Or a prank gone terribly wrong? I think the latter since they were telling him to stop and come back. Well done.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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The fragmented style is appealing. It mirrors the urgency and frantic desperation of the main character. A gang killing?
The only character mentioned by name here is Jimbo. Even the main character remains nameless. If the main character knows Jimbo, then he likely knows why he’s being abducted. This makes your first sentence odd. It would be more pleasing to leave out “cold-blooded killers” and let this aspect of the story surprise the reader at the end (more in line with flash fiction).
This reason for the abduction could be developed in this story.
alecthegreat reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. I would classify it as either horror or suspense. This story maintains a solid poetic rhythm throughout. I especially like the “ratta-tat-ratta-tat-tat.”
You have a great use of descriptive language here, but sadly, I feel you don’t describe enough (especially when you’re clearly good at it). I want to see more in the beginning. Show us these people taking him from his room. Does he try to resist? Is he even remotely successful?
I’m confused about the whiskey bottle. It was shoved underneath the sham. Were they forcing him to drink it? Was it empty? I’m unsure, especially since it doesn’t come back up.
Show us more of where he is when they pull him out of the car. You don’t have to tell us right away that he’s on top of a parking garage, but show us something to give it a more tactile feeling.
The end is especially strong with the continued image of the people as sharks and folding into the car.
The writing feels very much like one of my favorite author’s: Mark Z. Danielewski. Especially, his novel called Only Revolutions. You might want to take a look, because I think it could inspire you here.
Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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So he breaks free from his captors and runs, falling over the side of a parking garage to his death?
I like your writing style. It’s very descriptive and edgy, but the thing I don’t like about the story is that there’s no closure. It’s a good scene, but the reader is left wondering what just happened? , who were those guys? , was it a practical joke gone bad?
It’s vagueness leaves me disappointed, but the writing is good. I like the fast-pacedness of it and the use of your descriptives. It’s a vivid scene with a vague story. If it had closure I’d be more impressed. That’s my only complaint.
Good luck with it.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good.
Right from the start you engage the reader, painting vivid imagery. You invoke powerful sensory images, from the description of appearances of items, to the ratta-tatta-tat sounds (onomatopeia is awesome, isn’t it), to the description of blood in the mouth.
Loved the lyrical quantity, using words like sham, scam, and Trans Am. Great rhymes. I’d keep it up; instead of “shoving him onto the pavement” how about “slam him onto the pavement”. Likewise, when “the sharks” leave, why not say they “scram”?
Finally, I love the word chum and its double-meaning; powerful stuff.
If you’re curious, I’d guess this would best be described as being in the “crime/thriller” genre, but that’s just me.
Overall, good work!
gbaurbis reviewed Version 1 -
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This story reminds me of many Asian horror vignettes. The victim has crossed paths with thugs and killed by them only to return as a ghost. Seeking revenge. I’d give the Trans-Am a more prominent part in the story, along with the protagonist. There doesn’t seem to be ending to this story. With flash, you can describe the main character and the car. The thugs seem peripheral. I think you would have fun writing this in just one paragraph.
Great work. Plz. revise. Bravo. Gregory
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