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Poetry / A Body
A Body
Grasp the lust of another's trust and drop it in a pail.
Pour on top the heavy rock and dirt dug up from Hell.
Note the eye, the sclera cry and scar for future reference to see
That love once earned, now a soul has burned never again to be free.
Somebody was lost and his neck bore a cross; symbolizing faith and belief.
But when his back was turned soon he learned that his faith was only a thief.
I found a body, psychologically naughty and I shed a tear for him.
For the innocent love he had, has now spoiled to bad,
and will haunt him to his living end.
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B_de_Caunteton reviewed Version 1 -
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Definitely a feeling of getting socked in the chest with the reality and wanting to cry for the person who socked me instead for myself. I like the faith half of the poem, should that half be separated into its own stanza? Other than that I see in “A Body” no fault.
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gbaurbis reviewed Version 1 -
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I gave you a ten for your rankings for many reasons. The least of is I had to look up “sclera.” I think the contrast of rock and dirt versus the white of the eye is plain un-nerving. So you got a physical feeling from your reader which is great. I like the one stanza. You have so many inner rhymes/near rhymes/end rhymes that work so well, for example belief/thief, lust/trust, soul/bore, etc. I can tell you have studied writing.
Dug up from hell seems a bit over the top. I think the line would work well as:Pour on top the heavy rock and dirt dug up from Hell.( The heavy rock dug up dirt.) Especially since Hell isn’t referred to again. Or instead describe hell with magma.
7th line could end with a tear, instead of him.
You have a great thing going here. Plz. revise.
This could be published as is, but I think you could do better.
Very last, give this baby a title to be proud of….you sank so much work in to the poem, why not the title? for example, “His Neck Bore a Cross.” This would grab an editor’s eye more so than, “A Body.”
Bravo. Gregory
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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I do have to question the title since post-traumatic stress disorder is an ‘anxiety disorder’ and deals primarily with the mind than the body. Yes there may be physiological side effects but feel it should be dealt with accurately.
With that said this poem could be so much more poignant if you allow the visceral grip of that disorder to really stream through. I would begin by avoiding the obvious cliches [sometimes they work and are necessary] however they sound too trite for the topic:
drop in the pail
dug from hell
future to see
never to be free
shed a tear for him
living end
Let the mind rip this body to shreds because I know how this feels: where is the ringing in the ears, the tongue leaden in mouth, heart thumping in earlobes, voices escalated to fevered pitches, palms saturated with palpable fear, all those symptoms need to come out and play.
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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“lust” seems irrelevant to the poem, aside from its rhyme with “trust”. Maybe lust for another’s trust? That could work.
“sclera cry” -> “sclera” is not an adjective, nor is it the organ that ‘cries’; I think you need another word there.
“Somebody” -> ‘Someone’ would work better rhythmically.
“and his neck” -> try “whose neck”
“psychologically naughty” -> a weak rhyme, and very vague.
“spoiled to bad” -> ‘to bad’ is already understood in ‘spoiled’.
I think you make too many sacrifices of meaning for your rhyme. Make sure you are saying exactly what you mean, not just what sounds nice.
This does have some very nice moments in it though. I particularly liked the second line, and lines 5-6.
Good luck! :)
Brian reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the rhyme scheme you used for this, however there were some lines that got clunky in order to maintain it; for example: “Note the eye, the sciera cry and scar for future reference to see” The two words that stick out in this were “a” (before soul) and “to” (before “be free”). The other critique I have is the word “naughty” I think the implications behind that do not fit what you’re attempting to say. To me the word naughty invokes something a). childish, or b). some kind of cheeky sexual comment. Either way the tone of the word is a bit more innocent than what you appear to strive towards.
Hope this helps, best wishes.
BC
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a good idea for a poem, if I understood it. It seems to be describing someone looking at the body of a war casualty.
Some of the lines or phrasing I didn’t like. “the lust of another’s trust” doesn’t make sense to me. “sclera cry” neither. “future reference” is cumbersome.”never again to be free” sounds clicheed. “psychologically naughty” I didn’t understand.
I think this could be powerful after some revisions.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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Great kinetic action to open. ”Grasp” “drop” “pour” well done.
Lines 3 and 4 are good but they read long and bump the opening cadence. maybe consider trying to shorten them somehow. or not.
“Somebody was lost”—“someone” might read smoother.
“lost and his neck bore”—i’d chop “and.”
“psychologically naughty”—good but “psychologically” read too technical for me.
great, powerful poem.
my only criticism would be that the meter varies in a way that wasn’t landing well in my ears. the two opening lines are packed and pumping and then the scheme felt a bit scattered. to me.
but again- strong and sad. well done.
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW!! that was such a powerful poem that u have written! that was amazing!! great great great job. i see nothing wrong wit this poem.
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