Shadow Play
There’s a dark sun on the horizon
blazing shadows across the land.
Puppets pirouette in silhouette,
and plagues punish the damned.
Lowly men brew behind blackness,
where brighter things bend to break.
Secrets scowl with empty howls,
while desolate days pass through haze.
Bright eyes hide, disguised behind
bludgeoned beauty that can only cry.
Wisdom weeps, bloody and beat
by twisted words, tangled to terrify.
Here, fear, like a blanket on a bed,
spreads where noble truths lie dead.
Wickedness wallows in hollowness,
and ghostly souls will buy what’s fed.
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“dark sun” “blazing shadows”—i like. nice play.
simple rhyme scheme in S1 worked for me but not so much in S2. the final line didn’t land well for me. can’t quite put my finger on why.
S1 also was near overflowing w/ alliteration, in particular the “puppet” line. mouthful.
“noble truths”—i like this and i wonder if this isn’t a reference to Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths. I read this as an idea that “religion/god is dead.”
“ghostly souls will buy what’s fed.”—nice closing line. i read this as a play on the idea that we’re all just stupid sheep.
overall, bleak and spare. a few rough spots for me but that’s just me. well done.
This poem is full of symbnolism. The origon of such a place might be left to the readers descretion. The flow is good. The stanza’s are uniform and clean. One can read it aloud with no interuptions.
The only line that bothers me is this one:
and ghostly souls will buy what’s fed. Maybe it is just me. If you gave me explanation, perhaps. Sometimes it is not the poets fault, but it is the reader who cannot see outside the box on certian symbolism. Since the poem is so uniform and creates such vivid visions i am assunming that it is me. A very descriptive work. I enjoyed reading it.
I think this is publishable after several revisions.
Overall the poetry is very good. From your format it would look good on a printed page. Editors will first look at your title, which I think is wanting, you have so many great images in this poem but your title is cliche, I’d suggest: “Puppets Pirouette in Silhouette,” or “Bloody and Beat.” Something like this would catch an editor’s eye. Just give this baby a name you’d be proud of.
You have great 4 tight stanzas. Keep them.
4th Stz. 1st L. inner ryhme is too close ,”here, fear.” unlike howl and scowl which is great.
Wickedness wallows in hollowness, excellent alliteration.
You have a lot of great stuff going on here I just wanted to point out some stuff you might want to work on. Finally, the periods and commas at the end aren’t necessary they break up the flow.
I think this will be great poem.
Bravo. Blessings, Gregory
First, your internal and half rhymes are pretty fun. It’s inconsistant, too, mixed with end rhymes—making a subtler effect.
I have a few hangups with the metaphors in places—for the image painted. In stanza one: a sun on the horizon, blazing. Ok, so I’m following you with the shadow motif. What throws me is that where there are shadows, something has to cast them, blocking light. Which follows that where there are shadows, there is light. The first lines, for me, create an image of a sun (though dark) rising—I think “on the horizon” is usually construed as a beginning. After that first line, however, I think it dives into word play which overshadows the meaning. I can appreciate that, alliteration. However, all I’m getting from this is some picture of a place where folks are scared, things are scary. And it doesn’t evoke anything from me.
I would rethink a few places which were especially strained to me, personally. S2 lines 1&2 – brewing, literally, like fermenting? internally, like fixating on fear? covered in filth? I’d try another way to make your meaning more clear.
S3 the bright eyes/cry/wisdom weeping. This doesn’t follow, for me. Is it that the bludgeoned are losing wsdom? Or gaining it in the aftermath? Neither of those make cognitive sense to me, all poetic aspects aside.
Anyway, my two cents. Good luck!
Both title and theme made me think of Lewis, and Elliot. I think in the second line you may want to replace “across” with “cross.” Also, the last stanza could be made to fit more neatly into the “play” concept. I think the first three stanzas do a good job of that, but the last one loses that concept just a bit, and if you could keep it all in line, the continuity would strengthen the poem. That, or you could add another stanza or two that relate that (currently) last stanza to the play concept.
Line4 -> I’d start a new sentence, since you have a new subject.
Stanza2 -> noticeably more vague – possibly sacrificing too much clarity for rhyme and alliteration. ”things” is particularly vague & irksome.
“brew” and “haze” imply witchcraft or intoxication, both of which work well with shadow puppetry. ;)
Stanza3 -> excellent, and suddenly much darker.
“noble truths” – a Buddhist reference? seems out of place.
Overall, I like it very much. Vivid, dark, surprising, and polished. :)
This is very, very good. There’s excellent word choice here, good rhythm and rhyming structure, and some brilliant imagery. “Puppets pirouette in silhouette”- this is an especially good, lyrical line. I can find no fault with this.
Your title is very fitting to your work.
There’s a dark sun on the horizon…try to expand on the color of the “dark sun” in order to create a visual effect as the sun is not normally dark.
blazing shadows across the land…it would be difficult for a “dark sun” to create blazing shadows. It is contridictory and hard to visualize. Remember you are an artist painting your words on a canvas…imagine what you are saying. It will help you.
Puppets pirouette in silhouette,...good imagery but again, are they colorful, floppy, stern and in sequence, or bashful and bland?
and plagues punish the damned…Damned? Why? Can you insert a verse before to expand what you are trying to say? It is hard to see what you see if you don’t explain. What kind of plagues…a simple verse will open a door which feels closed for me, the reader.
Masterful next two verses…brilliant and intelligent, a pleasure to read, to SEE, to feel!
Fear; a blanket on a bed,...a firey blanket (what describes “noble truths”?)...usually purple signifies royalty, therefore nobility…
and ghostly souls will buy what’s fed…mysterious and honorable, like a festival of darkness disclosed by a bloody moon…beautiful! Good work and thank you for the opportunity.
It may not be constructive, but the first two lines immediately made me think of the “Black Hole Sun” video. The second two, made me picture a gothic cabaret. It’s a pretty gothic piece.Personally, I like that.
This is a poem that conveys a general sense of feeling instead of specifics. A lot of people respond to that style but I don’t see it published very often. Although its nice to read.
where brighter things bend to break.- In this line “brighter things” is very broad. My first guess would be that it means “optimism”. Am I right? Or maybe it means only the darkness of life survives here. A specific image of something uniquely pure or bright would really make this line “pop”.
The first two stanazs have great examples of internal rhyme in the third lines(pirouette/silhouette). Stanza three and four fall a little short in comparison. This is something I know about personally. The rhymes in these particular lines feel a little forced, or not on target. Remember, that is in comparison to the other two internal rhymes. If you personally are not finicky about it, its not a big deal.
You use nicely balanced alliteration on these same lines (third line of each stanza). That kind of consistency can make a poem stand out from the rest. You actually use it a lot. Its good to see it used mindfully, if at all.
It’s rhythmic and ominous. Are you using these images as a metaphor? I ask because, to me, the final line suggests that. I correct myself, the last line made me think immediately of capitalism and commercialism.
If my review is not helpful, please write me and I will offer more. Thanks for posting!
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