Thanks Alec. I will be revising soon. More sensory input for sure.
Flash Fiction / Sarah's Mole
“Mommy, can I help with dinner?” Sarah asked, holding her stuffed rabbit by the neck. She had been watching in silence as her mother put away dishes from lunch.
“Sure honey,” her mother said. “I need a few things out of the garden. Would you like to help with that?”
“Yes, please,” Sarah said. She put her rabbit on the vinyl seat of a chair in the kitchen and watched her mother expectantly.
Sarah’s mother was reading a cookbook that lay open on the counter. “One cabbage, two beets, and three carrots,” she said to Sarah. “Can you remember that?”
“Yes, mommy.” Sarah watched her mother’s movements with wide eyes.
She pulled a large warped cast iron pot out of the cupboard below the sink. It was half full of fodder for the compost. Egg shells, wilted lettuce, carrot tops, and spent tea bags. “We can empty this while we’re out there.”
They were greeted by the growing chill of autumn. Orange, red, and brown leaves lay scattered and damp in the tall grasses. A well-marked path led to the garden that took up a fourth of the yard.
The mother heaved the contents of the cast iron pot onto the mound of compost. She used the garden hose to give the pot a rinse before heading over to the garden.
“That’s going to feed the garden next year, right mommy?”
“Yes, the compost breaks down into nutrients that will feed the vegetables,” she said. “Good remembering.”
“I remember everything you tell me,” Sarah said, beaming. Sarah was counting the days until her fifth birthday on one hand while holding three fingers out with the other. “One cabbage, two beets, and three carrots.”
“Very good, honey.” She knelt in the dark soil staring at three small green cabbages with the large pot next to her. “Do you want to help me pick this one?”
The mother showed Sarah how to properly crack the ripe cabbage from its leafy nest, and placed it in the pot gently. They moved over to the root veggies and pulled the beets, and carrots. One of the carrots had a large chunk taken out of its side and the mother eyed it suspiciously.
“Shhhh…” she held her finger to her lips while keeping an eye on the hole where the carrot in question had been pulled from.
Slowly a little nose appeared from the hole. Tiny blind eyes rooted around for its lost dinner.
Sarah’s mouth made a wide O shape. She quickly covered it with both hands and smiled broadly underneath knowing that they were witnessing something rare.
Her mother put the half eaten carrot in front of the sightless mole and waited for the rodent to continue eating its dinner.
Long teeth dug into the crisp carrot and started to pull the food back toward the hole. Sarah reached out and touched the little nose without thinking, causing the wild animal to nip her.
“OUCH!”
The mole retreated to its hole and her mother quickly grabbed her hand to inspect the wound.
“I think you’ll live, but lets get that cleaned up and bandaged, okay?”
“Why did it bite me, mommy?” Tears of emotional hurt welled up in her eyes. The cut was superficial and more shocking than painful. “ I just wanted to touch its nose.”
“He was scared of you honey,” she said. “Maybe he thought he was going to be our dinner.”
“No way.” Sarah smiled again. “He wasn’t on the list.”
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burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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Technical comments: “A well-marked path led to the garden that took up a fourth of the yard.” This should be a which clause, unless there are other gardens we could be confusing with the one that’s 1/4 of the yard.
“where the carrot in question had been pulled from.” Reword to avoid ending the sentence with a preposition.
“Tiny blind eyes rooted” Eyes cannot root.
”...smiled broadly underneath knowing that… ” Very confusing structure.
Style: “She used the garden hose to give the pot a rinse…” Why not “She hosed out the pot…”? It’s more concise, better flow. Beware verbosity, esp. in flash.
”...dark soil staring at three small green cabbages with the large pot next to her.” The sort of descriptions you are offering here are unnecessary to the story, which is enough of a problem, but also don’t give us a better image to work with. Is it consequential that we are envisioning a green cabbage instead of a red one? Work on adding information that enhances the plot and mood of the piece and cutting out anything that can be removed without changing the meaning. (The large pot is the same pot we were already introduced to. Again, unless there is another pot…)
Story:
Interesting and cute. However, your ending is far too abrupt. Sarah is emotionally hurt and crying. And then 2 secs. later she cracking a punchline. This is not realistic. But the punchline is a keeper. Just need a smoother transition.
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alecthegreat reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very solid story and quite technically sound. I like it, and I do believe I would read it to my kids.
Only a couple of minor edit suggestions:
the “well-marked path” – I’d like to see this a bit more. Is it just a worn path or is it perhaps set with rocks or something else? Also, the garden sounds pretty big. Perhaps consider mentioning some of the other veggies that are growing.
I would also like to see some other sensory descriptions. This is autumn with a garden and a compost, give us some smells.
“Tears of emotional hurt welled up in her eyes” – I would cut “of emotional hurt” from this line, as I don’t think it really adds to the story, and the following line tells us she wasn’t in pain or overly hurt physically.
Karl_A_Russell reviewed Version 1 -
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Just a couple of suggestions. Firstly, as this is told pretty much from Sarah’s perspective, I would refer to the adult character as “her mother” throughout, rather than “the mother”.
Also, I’m not sure if blind (or any) eyes can root around, and if they do, they would be hunting for their dinner instead of its dinner.
Other than these little quibbles, this is a good piece of writing, with a realistically depicted 4 year old.
Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was a great story. If this were a children’s book I’d be interested in it. My 8-year old would think it’s funny with colorful illustrations.
I like your writing style. Your sentence structure flows smoothly and the dialoque between the mother and daughter is sweet and done very well. It’s a very realistic scene that I could easily see me and my daughter acting out.
I guess if I had one complaint it would be that there aren’t enough descriptives in it. I don’t know what the kitchen looks like, or the kid or the mom. I get a vague image of who they are, I guess I just insert my face in there and my daughter’s. I’d rather read about the child’s polka-dot dress and the mom’s messy apron from cleaning the dishes. Or maybe how the mom scraped spaghetti from the plate, leftover from what Sarah couldn’t find room for. You say it’s a chilly Autumn day, but I don’t feel it. Goosebumps up the daughter’s arm or her hair blowing slightly in the October wind would have been nice. Maybe someone burning leaves at the next house leaving a scent in their noses as they play with the mole. You get the picture.
Other than that I thought the story was excellent. It flows very nice and it put a smile on my face. Good luck with it.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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Very sweet story (I loved the last line, too cute!) and Sarah is the perfect embodiment of a four year old. One sentence feels a bit awkward to me ‘Sarah was counting the days…other hand.’ It just feels a little odd when you picture it, and the description of what she’s doing (counting for her birthday) feels like a last minute idea that doesn’t really tie in well. Perhaps adding it elsewhere in part of the dialogue would give it a more natural feeling. If I read this to children, I would most likely add a little information about moles (background, habits, etc) just because it’s a perfect launching platform to teach more about animals.
Overall, I thought this was charming and quite perfect.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was well written and entertaining from an adults point of view, but I’m not so sure that it would hold the attention of a young child around the age of your character, Sarah, or younger. Some of your word usage may be a bit too advance for their age group. You may want to simplify some your phrasing to target the kindergarten/preschool demographic. For instance the phrase…”tears of emotional hurt,” seemed to adult for a 5 year old to really grasp visually.
tia_logic reviewed Version 1 -
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So, technically, this is well written. I’d call it children’s literature, in reference to your reviewer’s notes. It doesn’t appeal to me the way some cross-generational lit does—which is fine, of course. Just more geared towards kids.
I wonder about the dialogue. It works for a children’s books, but perhaps the thing that puts me off (as an adult) is that I can hear thebaby talk, the sing-songy style of speech that people reserve for the very young or very stupid. The repetition of ”,honey”, the questions the mother asks Sarah (only b/c they sound kinda condescending, from an adult’s angle), the line “good remembering”. While I can relate to these things as realistic in adults talking to children, I find it tedious. Perhaps it will come off wonderfully to children as being genuine, though. I am not five, sadly, anymore.
Good luck!
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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A nice ending! To answer your question, I think this story would appeal to anyone with children, but it would be especially appropriate for children around Sarah’s age. It’s beautifully written.
Once, the mother speaks to Sarah in words that I’m not sure Sarah would understand: “breaks down into nutrients” Something more descriptive and less clinical might improve this line.
lets get that cleaned … = let’s
emotional hurt (a bit awkward)
acdoyler reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall solid little story. Nice slice of life. of course it wouldn’t be worth your time for me just to say “great job” and walk away without critiquing a few things.
‘and watched her mother expectantly.’ this is a telling phrase. how does a child ‘look expectantly?’ describe that, and you’ve convey that she was watching expectantly without the narrator telling the reader that.
‘It was half full of fodder for the compost. Egg shells, wilted lettuce, carrot tops, and spent tea bags.’ why is this two sentences? one would work great. remember economy.
‘before heading over to the garden.’ as a writer verbs are very important. is ‘heading’ the most descriptive verb you could think of here? what is the vegetation like where they live. one specific regional example adds flavor. ‘before navigating her way through the wiregrass’ for example.
‘They were greeted by the growing chill of autumn. Orange, red, and brown leaves lay scattered and damp in the tall grasses’ same thoughts as above. orange red and brown leaves? those are the colors you choose? how much effort was put into that? tall grasses? what kind of grasses? why was it damp out? had it just rained? was the sky overcast? do we get a clear picture of the backyard? i see a compost pile, i see a garden. but you don’t draw a complete picture.
‘dark soil staring at three small green cabbages’ what does staring usually imply? does it fit here as the best choice?
‘the beets, and carrots.’ you don’t need a comma there.
‘The mother showed Sarah how to properly crack the ripe cabbage from its leafy nest’ this would be better served by:
“watch how i do this” says mom. then exact description of how you properly crack ripe cabbage. i don’t know how to do it myself. remember readers read PRIMARILY to learn. great place to teach us something and serve up ripe visual imagery at the same time.
‘keeping an eye on the hole where the carrot in question had been pulled from.’ there must be a better way to say that last part. the carrot in question had been pulled from? the reader already knows which hole you’re talking about anyway.
‘knowing that they were witnessing something rare.’ not only is this telling but you’re infusing too much wisdom in a five year old. describing the look is all the description you need.
‘Tears of emotional hurt welled up in her eyes. The cut was superficial and more shocking than painful.’ telling telling. you tell us its emotional. you tell us the cut was more shocking than painful. in the third person the writer’s job is to present the reader with ‘just the facts.’ show them the scene, give them the dialog, move the action, and let them draw the conclusions. it’s an interaction.
lastly a comment on the dialog. i little too perfect, a little too scripted.
“Can you remember that?”
“Yes, mommy.” Sarah watched her mother’s movements with wide eyes. kids, like everyone, have personalities. hers doesn’t shine through. i mean the end is cute, but do these two characters have any complexity? perfect mom, perfect daughter.
but like i said. overall a solid above average slice of life flash fiction.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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T-
This was a cute story. You managed to capture a very tender series of moments in such a short number of words, it’s to be commended.
Good use of sensory details. The leaves, the chill . . . Perhaps through some kind of nice smell in there? Or compost smell?
right mommy?/right Mommy?
“Slowly a little nose appeared from the hole.” I’ll admit I grinned when I read this. I’d throw a comma down after “Slowly”.
Ouch! I wasn’t expecting her to get nipped. I for sure thought it was going to be a rabbit.
“He wasn’t on the list.” Heh heh. Nice.
A well-written short that was fun to read. Humor and heart woven seamlessly. Good work.
-Curt
O.a. I had to rank this a 1 in the latter category. I prefer to bop my moles with a padded hammer. I’m a whore for the tickets . . .
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