Poetry / Over The Bridge

it forms this amazing picture that as its described you can really see it form well done.

I think the poem is of a woman who left a bad relationship? And “drowning” refers to tears? Not sure.
“chanting” doesn’t seem to go with heart (and it’s the tears doing the drowning…no?)
I would get rid of “once.”
Otherwise, I like it. It balances between the pain of loss and the relief of being rid of something unhealthy.

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October 20, 2008

by GreenIguana

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
387	78.0% (173 votes)	17.3%

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44	F	NY, NY	November 22

I meant the tears causing the drowning..

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heart chanting in rhythm…nice concept, well defined.

your presence no long sings,...longer?

a shattered bridge…again, nice.

I no longer wait for the unstable mind of a man,...using longer too often, look up other words which mean the same thing.  The unstable mind is brilliant!

along the green mile…reconsider “green mile”, think about what the message is, what the green mile means to you and be careful regarding copyrights.
You can expand on the green mile or change it from green to blue or long or rocky.  I, myself have never heard of the green mile other than the movie, and Hollywood is a powerful mother over their babies.

Nice piece.  Thank you for the opportunity.

I suggest explaining why the narrator is looking to the pavement.

Line three needs to be ended with a period, otherwise all you have is a coma splice run on.

The coma after “sings” isn’t needed and adds clutter. Also “long” should be “longer”.

Too many unneeded comas forcing the reader to pause in strange places.

Due to a lack of information, “you” and “your” is faceless and meaningless. For example, is the narrator talking about an ex girl, a deceased mother, what sex?

Quick spelling error (I believe): It should be “your presence no long(er) sings”

I think this would benefit from a consistent metaphore. I like the sense of journey in the title, but your poem gets lost in particular moments instead of moving forward “Over the Bridge”. The lines that stick out in my mind are:

“Drowning the embers you once left behind”

“your presence no long sings”

“a chorus within my mind”

I would try to avoid lines that jump from one vision to another like this – embers to music – that will help the continuity and flow of the poem.

The image of your heart dragging is a bit melodramatic/cliche. Maybe try a line about your feet dragging instead. It gets at the same point, but adds a little more interprative possibility as far as moving forward and getting over things.

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September 29, 2008

by AmyWalker

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
528	75.3% (158 votes)	39.0%

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22	F	Saint Helena	November 21

Really wow I never thought of that thank you verymuch.

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This poem made me sad and excited at the same time.  I can, personally, relate to this piece, and I thought it was very descriptive.  You involved the current road you’re on, with the one you used to travel, and expressed your emotions on both.  I liked it.

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September 28, 2008

by AmyWalker

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
528	75.3% (158 votes)	39.0%

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22	F	Saint Helena	November 21

WOW!! Thank you very much I’m glad you could see where I was coming from in this piece and glad that you liked it.

Thanks again for your review,

the more the merrier I say

Amy

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