I disagree; I think that image was one of the most descriptive. The scene of domestic life interrupted by violence.
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Poetry / Sights Left Unseen
Some sights are better left unseen.
Is it the horror of a body abandoned,
In a mutilated state inflicted?
The vision of an African orphan
Waiting for an unmerciful release?
Mayhap even the picture of one left
In a state without love to grasp?
People say,
Some sights are better left unseen.
I ask myself,
Do I wish never to have glimpsed
The fear and shame on my sister’s face,
Nor the unnatural splashes of the white water
From the dishes she’d been washing
As my father struck her and swore?
I ask my friend,
If you could erase the vision of,
Little Becky’s father swinging in front of
A winter landscape and frosted glass,
From a sturdy curtain rod and coil,
Would you?
I ask my cousin,
Would you vanquish the images,
Inspired by alcohol and unhealthy minds,
Of broken glass bits, flames, and fury?
Those were the weekly celebrations
By all surrounding kin.
We all reply,
“Some things are better left unseen.”
United we shudder and can’t help but remember,
What we bear testimony to.
We cannot imagine the purity
A life without those memories would contain.
And at night,
Before slipping into unconsciousness,
I wonder why no one replied,
With precedence and automatically,
“Some deeds are better left undone.”
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spiffy reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the message, that you must sacrifice your own happiness and purity and ignorance is blissness of the world in order to do anything constructive. However, I wish the poem were more dreamy and lucid and not so up front about the issue.
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sarahchan reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a beautiful poem & captures the idea that, could we erase horrible memories from our minds, perhaps then we’d be happier. However, the message you send – that we can, instead, learn from our mistakes – is one that really makes this poem come full circle. Great work with vivid imagery of scenes that occur in our everyday lives, I especially enjoyed the use of dialogue. I do believe, though, that this poem could stand without the first stanza – it was powerful, but not really necessary for the poem. That’s just my opinion, though! Great job with this! =)
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Mayhap. Can you tell me what this is please?
The fear and shame on my sister’s face,
Nor the unnatural splashes of the white water
From the dishes she’d been washing
I don’t think this discription adds much to the rest. Maybe something less mundane than washing dishes. If you do use this, you could say the soap suds instead of white water.
The poem is certainly poignant. Other than what i have suggested above, i felt saddened as i read it. If we didn’t know of these things we might not be human. We are what we are because we see these sad sights. It makes most of us more compassionate with the plights of the world. I think you insinuate this in the two last paragraphs. This is cohesive and flows well. More importantly, it prompts the reader to think. You have done a good job visually creating these sad pictures. Good job, Sandi
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 2 -
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Bravo! Your changes are perfect…a great and memorable work.
Onager reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a personal poem and it is apparent almost immediately. It states a universal truth and at the end, asks of the poet such a pertinent question…
I like it very much and I believe that most people reading it can relate to the shocks we suffer, the sights and the resulting pain amassed over a lifetime, no matter how short or long we might have lived. The poet reaches out and touches us with these images and the central question asked throughout the poem is one we find ourselves asking, also.
Well done. k
GreenIguana reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all how can we rate you on whether you’re a better writer through feedback if we don’t know who you are and are reviewing your work for the first time?
I think this is a very interesting idea for a poem. The wording needs work though. “In a mutilated state inflicted?” sounds awkward and is probably ungrammatical. If someone is in a mutilated state, surely something was inflicted on them so inflicted becomes redundant. By “unmerciful release” I think you mean death but somehow that phrase sounds awkward. Basically I am telling you to write in a more natural way and don’t try to sound important. “In a state without love to grasp” is the worst example. Why not describe how someone looks loveless; make it a visual image instead of that awkward description. Maybe use a metaphor or simile to make it more poetic.
I didn’t really like your ending. It sounded obvious and pat. What I think would be better is something that answers the question you pose throughout the poem: Is it better to have seen or not? You just change the subject in the end. This is a cop out. I was looking for some type of conclusion, even an ambiguous one would be better than changing the subject.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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You had me until the bitter end. The problem with your ending is that is indeed an oft heard/said proverb. No worries, an easy fix, just restate
“I wonder why no ever said,” to I understand why everyone said…
The things we have seen.
We cannot imagine the purity
A life without those sights would contain.
You use ‘seen’ twice in this verse and within close proximity to each other and the last two lines fee cumbersome, maybe:
The things witnessed.
We cannot imagine purity
of life without which
such sights contain.
Othere than that this is a very powerful poem and well put.
smash54 reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh my. I have to imagine that this piece comes with some sort of personal experience. And what a tragedy that sounds like. I applaud your efforts here; putting down the horrors that are all too real. I am not an expert in poetry, but I do have to ask what style this is. I know what I like, however, and your last verse brought it home with a vengeance. Why indeed.
atm1721 reviewed Version 1 -
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There’s only one cosmetic thing that may be error, which is ”I wonder why no ever said,” perhaps it should be “I wonder why no one ever said.” Other than that this is are really good piece. You are right about things left unseen. We surround ourselves with things that make us happy, when in reality things are never what they seem. Us as people have a choice to accept it or ignore it. Although sometimes ignorance can be the best way, especially if you are not ready to deal with the reality. Great piece to get one thinking. Thanks for shariing.
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