Poetry / Vermont (Analysis)

Thanks very much.  SirM made some criticism of the first line.  What do you think?

Yes, it does carry less … but you might want an easy start to draw readers in, and this is vernacular, far from meaningless, and quite accessible.  The poem builds from there.  My advice would be to try alternatives in case they work, but accept that sometimes tinkering with something which is already very good may not always be the best thing to do.

Thanks so much for the thoughtful review.  I see what you mean about the first line.  It’s a remnant of the original that needs revision for sure.  I was blind to it and needed your kick in the pen.  This is why I asked for you help!

I see too what you mean about the personification.  It’s all personal to me as a relatively new parent.  I hope it avoids the cliche of ‘mother earth’ without losing the primacy of that religious experience of nature.  The north wind wasn’t working though, for some reason.  The south wind visits only briefly this time of year, with its humidity, the remnants of some hurricane…  I flashed on it as a relative, visiting briefly and helping take care of the baby.  Anyway, the personification wasn’t even working within the poem before, so reading your comment about it working in this version, even if I’m riding on Greek coattails, is encouraging.  I was aware while revising yesterday that earth, air, fire and water isn’t exactly cutting edge in literature! (lol)

I am delighted that you experience the language and rhythm here as evocative of southern Vermont.  I wrote and rewrote it while experiencing it directly from my front porch.  It is a humbling observation and I appreciate it.

Thanks.  I know what you mean about whispering insects…  I’ve been tempted to revise that line since I wrote it, but something stops me each time.  It’s been a hit in reviews too.

Regarding “her”, is it not clear that “first cries” relates directly to birth, thus to the valley?  ”Cradle” I would think clears it up if there was any doubt, no?

I wondered whether ‘dew and grass’ was evocative enough compared to ‘goldenrod and Jerusalem artichoke.’  It seemed weak to me, but it struck you as appropriate?  There is a ‘yin’ and ‘yang’ about the two phrases that I like, and that fits earth/mother and sun/father…   Dunno.

“Her first cries.” =:)  Erm… yeah I had a brain fart there.  Sorry!
Regarding ‘dew and grass’ / goldenrod and Jerusalem artichoke.’:
The yin/earth/mother is appropriately understated, to contrast the bold yang/sun/father.  I think it works.

thanks!