Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter One Final Version (Analysis)

                                                      Chapter One
                                                                -1-
       His lips curled back as he threw the wineglass. The goblet hit the far wall and fragments of glass and drops of red wine showered the blue carpet. Why hadn’t the boy returned by now? The man leaned back on the obsidian throne and drummed his fingers against the ornately carved arm.
       Pulling a key out of a pocket in his robes, he left his seat and opened a door off the throne room. When he entered, torches along the wall flickered and came to life. This was by far the simplest chamber in his lair, only a cavern. The conditions for using his spying mirrors had to be perfect; anything extraneous could interfere. He stopped in front of a large mirror in the middle of the room and waved his hand. The image swirled and turned to blue gray smoke. When it cleared, he saw the girl in her own world, at a party in a backyard; she was visiting her parents again. He had had no doubt she would. He absently stroked the blue amulet around his neck as he watched.

       The light summer breeze felt like heaven against her face as the light scent of roses wafted under her nose. Lauriana shaded her eyes as she watched the little girl inch her way up the hill. She scanned the crowd for her cousin Ginny, but couldn’t find her among the fifty guests. She had not been able to talk her mother out of inviting all her relatives to the party. Had it been left up to her, she would have cut the guest list by thirty. She didn’t push it, because she knew how much her mother loved to throw big parties. The only celebration she looked forward to, was the one she’d have later with Ari. She checked her watch. Four more hours and they could go back to his place.
       She frowned at the huge pile of bricks in the yard and then looked at her brothers. They hadn’t left the buffet table all afternoon. Marcus held a heaping plate of barbecued ribs and Sheridan loaded up his third helping of potato salad. Marcus stood over six feet tall and had a muscular build, but she still thought he ate enough for three men. Her younger brother on the other hand, wasn’t quite as tall and sported a small belly, evidence of his eating habits. When they weren’t stuffing their faces, they were arguing. They’d promised mom and dad they’d put in a retaining wall over two months ago, yet the pile of bricks still sat at the bottom of the hill. Her cousin Winnie handed her a wine cooler and plopped down in the lawn chair next to hers.
       Lauriana pointed to the little girl, who was nearing the top of the hill.      

       “Where is Maya’s mother?
       Winnie sniffed and pulled strands of light blond hair out of her face. “I heard Cousin Ginny mumbling earlier that there wasn’t any bourbon here. She went to get some. Your boyfriend went with her. He was afraid she was already too drunk to drive and couldn’t convince her to stay.”
       That was just like Ari, always concerned about everyone’s welfare. “If I had a dollar for every bar I’ve dragged Ginny out of I’d be able to retire now. Who’s supposed to be watching Maya? I mean, she’s only four, right?”
       Winnie nodded. “I don’t think anyone’s watching her.”
       “No, don’t climb the fence,” Lauriana said. Maya crawled up the lattice deer fence, perched on the top, and threw her hands in the air. Lauriana leaned forward and held her breath. Maya teetered and plunged toward the ground. She hit the grass, bounced, and picked up speed as she tumbled down the hill toward the pile of bricks.
       Lauriana sprang to her feet. Time seemed to slow down as she sprinted across the lawn. She heard a scream, but the voice was distant. Ginny had picked the perfect time to return. Lauriana’s heart sank. What if she didn’t get there in time? She only had one chance. She exploded into the air thrusting her arms out in front of her. Maya flew up into the air, landed in Lauriana’s arms, and let out a wail. Lauriana grimaced as she fell hard on the bricks, the force driving the air from her lungs. Ginny snatched the child away.
       A crowd formed around Lauriana, ignoring Ginny’s drunken tirade. Whenever something happened when she was drunk, it was someone else’s fault. Lauriana could hear worried voices asking if she was okay, but she couldn’t find her breath.
       Her father gently laid his hand on her back. “Don’t move.”
       She groaned as the air began to fill her lungs again. Her whole body throbbed. “I, I’m okay,” she croaked. Her brother helped her roll off the bricks but stopped her when she tried to sit up. “I’m fine.”
       Marcus’s cheek twitched as it always did when he was annoyed with his sister. “Just lie still for a few minutes.”
       “Your brother’s right,” her dad said. “Stay still.”
       She rolled her eyes and laid back down. “All right. What about Maya? Is she okay?”
       “Not a scratch.”
       Lauriana felt a wave of relief. She watched a couple of black clouds roll in while she bided her time until her family would allow her to get up. Her mother arrived with the first aid kit and started to clean up her bloodied elbows and knees.
       “This isn’t necessary. I’m an adult. I don’t think I need you to clean up my scrapes.”
       Her mother ignored her protests. She sighed. How long did you have to be an adult before your mother treats you like one? If her whole body didn’t hurt, she’d get up and walk away.
       “How does it feel to be a hero?” her cousin Jenessa asked.
       “Let’s not make a big deal out of this. I was the first to see her fall and did what anyone else would do under the same circumstances.”
       Winnie and Jenessa grinned at her. “What?”
       “I didn’t know you could run that fast,” Winnie said.
       Jenessa’s amber eyes grew wide. “That was amazing.”
       Lauriana let out a quiet sigh. Her birthday party was a big enough deal. She didn’t need to add hero status. She got to her feet and her legs wobbled.
       Sheridan grabbed her arm and steadied her. “Take it easy.”
       The crowd burst out in a round of applause and she felt her face redden. She looked down at her tattered blouse and favorite blue shorts. “I guess it’s safe to say these clothes are ruined.”
       “I’ll take you to the house,” Marcus said.
       Before she could get out a sharp retort, Sheridan came to her rescue. “If she needs your help, she’ll ask for it.”
       She flashed him a grateful look and ignored Marcus’s scowl. She could always count on her baby brother to take her side against her overbearing older one.
       As she limped toward the house, she saw Ari running across the lawn. He grabbed her by the arms. “Are you okay? What happened?”
       “Just a little fall. No big deal. I’m just headed for the house.”
      In an instant the sky turned pitch black. Thunder crashed and echoed through out the valley. Jagged streaks of lightning lit the backyard. She turned her eyes skyward as rain began to pour. The wind howled and whipped. She and the other guests were drenched in seconds but she couldn’t tear her eyes away. Golf ball sized hail began to fall. She felt a tug on her hand as Ari started pulling her toward the house.

       The man waved a hand and the mirror went blank. A grin spread across his face. Soon he’d be able to leave this cave and start his plans. He was so close. Had it been plans of vengeance that had kept him going over the centuries? Or was it the need to gain the power he deserved? Not that it mattered; one would lead to the other. And he still lived while countless enemies had turned to dust.
       After returning to the throne room he poured another glass of wine. A worn tapestry used to cover the stone wall caught his eye. He tired of this simple room. His whole lair was a cave within a magic boundary he created to conserve the power he had left; he must remain inside, for now. If he left, he’d die within hours. In a matter of months, it wouldn’t matter whether he was in his lair or not, he’d die unless he had control of the girl.
       He swished the wine in his glass and took a sip. He could cast spells that reached beyond the boundary, but there was only so much he could do from a distance and preferred to see the results of his spells firsthand. That would change after he had the girl.
       He looked up as the boy scurried in.

       Adamek bowed. “It is done, my lord.”
       The man brushed his long white hair away from his face. “You delivered the package?”
       “Yes, my lord.” He shifted his feet as the man’s dead black eyes bored into him. The blood in his veins turned sluggish. A drop of sweat trickled down the side of his face.
       “Are you sure no one saw you?”
      “Quite sure my lord. I waited until no one was looking. I left the package and recited the incantation as per your instructions.” As if he dared not to.
      “You retrieved the item I need?”
       “Yes, my lord. I left it in your chamber.”
       “Excellent. Leave me now. I must think.”

       He watched the boy dart from the room as he returned to his throne. He never got used to people’s reaction, the horror they felt when they saw his eyes. What they took as a sign of evil was merely the result of centuries of absorbing magic.
       Soon he’d have the girl and once he had her under his control, he’d have the power to get what he wanted. He smiled as he returned to his throne. He leaned back and stroked his amulet.

                                                           -2-
       Lauriana headed for the back of the house, dodging guests along the way. The wind and rain beat against the house drowning out the sound of the guests. As she passed a door off the kitchen, an odd feeling came over her. She felt like a force was drawing her to the cellar, which she knew was absurd. This wasn’t the first time since visiting her parents.
       She continued down the narrow hallway, grabbed an armload of towels from the linen closet, spun around, and ran into a tall man. The towels flew from her arms and her face hit his chest. Her heart leapt to her throat. Two strong hands grabbed her by the shoulders and steadied her.

       “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Ari grinned. “I thought you could use some help with the towels.”
       “You nearly gave me a coronary.”
       Ari pulled a strand of wet strawberry blonde hair out of her face. “Maybe I can make it up to you.” He ran his hands down her spine, pulled her against him, and kissed her for a long time. He was tired of sharing her with the other guests and only wanted to be alone with her.
       She moaned softly, pushed him away, and smiled. “Let’s not get carried away.”
       “We could go to your old room and get carried away.”
       She raised an eyebrow. “In the middle of my party? I don’t think so. In a few more hours we’ll head back to your place and then you can have me to  yourself all night long.”
       “I don’t think I can wait that long.”
       “All right,” she said in a husky voice, “but It’ll take to long to get to my old room. Let’s do it right here.”
       He stared at her as her blue eyes twinkled. She couldn’t be serious. But that didn’t stop the stirring he felt in his pants. “On the floor?”
       “What’s the matter? I thought you said you couldn’t wait?” She flashed him an innocent smile.
       “You win,” Ari said. “But I plan to spend every spare moment with you until you leave for Cambridge. Once you start at Harvard you won’t have much time for me.” Her body tensed. “Is everything okay?” He stroked her cheek. “You are still looking forward to going, aren’t you?”
       “Of course I am. Don’t be silly. There’s just so much to do to get ready. It’s a little overwhelming.”
       “I’d go with you if I could.”
       “I know. You’d just be in the way.” Lauriana ran her fingers down the buttons on his shirt. “It doesn’t matter because you can’t. You have buildings and houses to design. Projects to oversee.”
       He smiled. “But I am the boss, so I can sneak away and visit you if you have time for me.”
       “I’ll always have time for you. I recall a couple of times when I had finals during my undergrad that I worked in time for you. We had a very good time.”
       “How could I forget?”
       She scooped up the dropped towels and pushed them into his arms.

       “Take these out to the guests. I’ll grab another load and be right behind you.”
       “Wait.” He set the towels down on a small table along the wall. “I want to give you one of your presents now.”
       Lauriana’s face lit up. “You do?”
       Ari reached into his front shorts pocket and handed her a small jewelry sized box. She tore the paper away and lifted the cover off the box. Two gold intertwined hearts hung from a chain. Her breath caught. “It’s beautiful.”
       “One of the hearts has your birthstone and one has mine. It’s a symbol of how we belong together.”
       She handed the necklace to him and turned around. “Will you put it on me?”
       After closing the clasp on the necklace, he spun her around and gave her a hug. She gasped and pulled away holding her side.
       “Are you all right?”
       “I’m sure I just bruised my ribs or something. I’ll be okay in a minute.”
       “I’m taking you to the hospital.” Ari took her by the arm, but she pulled away.
       “No. I don’t need a doctor. Besides, the storm is too bad, you wouldn’t be able to see two feet in front of the car.”
       He studied her carefully. She always down played every ache and pain.       

       “The last time you told me you were fine you ended up in the ER with a ruptured appendix.”
       “That was different.”
       “If you don’t let me take you to the doctor, I’ll tell your parents you’re hurt.”
       “You can’t do that. You know how they get. Half of the time they treat me like I’m twelve instead of in my twenties.”
        “If you go first thing in the morning, I won’t say a word.”
        “Agreed, now take the towels and go.”

                                                                       -3-
       After he left, Lauriana took a deep breath and let it out. Why did she get an uneasy feeling whenever she thought about the future? All she ever wanted to do was go to law school and she was looking forward to a life with Ari. Maybe her uneasy feeling had nothing to do with either one. She grabbed an armload of towels, and headed back to the guests.
       The hot air was suffocating. Fifty bodies allowed for standing room only. Lauriana felt like a drowned rat, her hair plastered to her head. Most of the food was ruined and so were her presents. She hoped that this party was not indicative of what the 25th year of her life had in store for her. She had been sure that something exceptional would happen this year, but now she was starting to have doubts.
       Ginny approached with a snarl on her face, her red hair matted in big clumps around her triangular face. “You picked a fine time to have a party. Who picks to have a party when there’s going to be a big storm!” she yelled. It was hard to hear anyone over the storm, but somehow how her shrill voice cut right through.
       “I didn’t pick the day, my mother did. And she checked the forecast; there wasn’t any rain due for over a week.”
       Ginny threw her chin in the air and pushed the matted hair away from her face. “If my clothes are ruined you are going to pay for them. It’s the least you can do after nearly killing my daughter!”
       “What –”
       The woman stomped away before Lauriana had a chance to respond to the ridiculous accusations. She wondered if she could convince her mother to throw Ginny out into the storm.
       The drone of voices, and the wall-to-wall bodies made Lauriana claustrophobic. She remembered the sensation she’d felt by the cellar door. No one would think to look for her there. She saw Ari across the room talking to Marcus. Once the two of them started talking, they’d be occupied for some time. No doubt talking about the ’69 T-Bird Marcus was restoring in his shop. Even with his dark blond wavy hair matted to his head from the rain, Ari still looked like a god. His chiseled features and sculpted muscles made her mouth water. She shook her head. She never thought she’d fall for one of her brother’s friends. It had its drawbacks.
        Thunder cracked and shook the house. She jumped. Lightning struck the ground somewhere not far away. The lights flickered and went out. She slipped through the cellar door while guests stumbled around looking for flashlights and candles.
        Her hand found the railing and she let it guide her down the steps. She reached up on the shelf and felt along the ledge until her hand closed on what she was looking for. Lauriana struck a match and looked around the room. The place that had captivated her as a child was now just an ordinary cellar. The same old dusty shelves; one set lined with canned goods and one with useless junk someone in the family couldn’t part with. Lightning flashed through the small window throwing ominous shapes against the wall as the storm raged.
       She suddenly felt so alone. How ironic that she could be in a house full of people and still feel alone. The truth was sometimes she felt like she didn’t belong here, as if she was living the wrong life. The problem was she had no idea where it was she did belong.
       She walked over to the far corner. One side of the wine rack moved a few inches away from the wall. “Ouch.” She dropped the match, shook her burned fingers and brought them to her mouth. She lit another match and examined the wine rack a little closer. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them. The rack actually moved. Goose bumps broke out on her flesh. There was a door behind it. For over twenty years, she had been coming down here. How could she miss a door? A simple wooden door with two parallel metal bands, one near the top and one near the bottom. It looked ancient and at odds with the rest of the house.
       The stairs creaked. She whirled around, her heart in her throat. A beam from a flashlight hit her eyes making it impossible to see. She walked toward the stairs, a hand shielding her eyes.
       “Mom? What are you doing down here?”
       Lena stood on the steps with her hands on her hips and frowned. “I need more matches for the candles. What are you doing down here when you should be entertaining the guests?”
       “I just wanted a few minutes to myself. I’ll be right up.”
       “Well, hurry it up. The only food that was still in the house during the storm was the cake and ice-cream. We are going to serve it whether the power’s on or not.”
        Her mother turned around, and marched back up the stairs. Lauriana pushed the wine rack back against the door and rejoined the party.
        She appeased her mother by cutting the cake and scooping ice-cream. She was relieved when the rain let up and the guests started leaving eager to shed their wet clothing and to check the damage to their cars and homes. She never liked being the center of attention.

                                                                      -4-
       Marcus and his younger brother looked out at the yard surveying the storm damage. Branches and shingles littered the ground. The screen door was hanging on one hinge. He frowned. He knew he’d be spending next Saturday helping his father put new shingles on the roof. Marcus turned his head when heard the door open. Ari stepped out on the covered porch and grinned at him with the same stupid grin he’d had on his face all-day.
       “What is with you today?”
       Ari reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small black velvet box.       

       Sheridan snatched the box out of Ari’s hand and opened it.
       Marcus’s eyes widened. “Is that what I think it is?”
       Ari grabbed the ring and put it back into his pocket. “I have a special evening planned. I’ll ask her to marry me tonight.”
       Marcus couldn’t believe his little sister was going to be married. He knew she’d never say no to Ari. He hadn’t been thrilled when he found out his best friend had designs on his sister. It wasn’t like he had the chance to protest. Ari kept it a secret from him. By the time he found out that Ari was seeing his sister they were already inseparable. He was still irked that Ari never talked to him about it ahead of time. When he mentioned it to his friend, Ari informed him that the only opinions that mattered were his own and Lauriana’s.
       He knew that something happened that had brought the two of them close quickly, but Ari refused to tell him what. He figured out that his sister must have needed help with something serious and instead of coming to him for help she went to his friend. Ari was already in love with her and offered to help.
       “Does she suspect anything?”
       “Not a clue. But the more I thought about it the more it just seemed natural that we embark on this next part of our lives as husband and wife. She doesn’t even know I am planning to move my business to Boston.”
       “You don’t believe in long engagements do you?” Marcus asked.
       “I want to spend the rest of my life making her happy and as long as she’s sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, why wait?”
       Sheridan snorted. “She’ll be sure.”
       “That’s great,” Marcus said. “I’ll take you both out to celebrate next week.”

       Lauriana spotted Ari and stepped out onto the porch. It figured he’d still be with Marcus. Her brother was always trying to monopolize his time. She inhaled deeply, savoring the fresh smell after a cool summer storm.
       Marcus handed her a small package. “What’s this?” she asked.
       “The only present that didn’t blow away in the storm. I found it in the corner of the porch. It must have blown up here. I think you can find the rest of your gifts scattered about the neighborhood.”
       “Figures.”
       Ari put his arm around her. “I have to go now and make sure everything is perfect for your special surprise tonight.”
       Lauriana smiled. “I hope you’re not going to too much trouble just for me.”
       “Not possible. You deserve better than I could ever give you.” Ari kissed her and headed off the porch and out of the yard.
       She felt a sudden urgency to call him back that she didn’t understand. Instead, she turned the small box over in her hands. No tag. She tore open the paper, lifted the lid on the box, and wrinkled her brow as she pulled out a silver chain with a large tarnished key on it. “Who would give me this? What’s it for?”
       Sheridan scratched his head. “You got me.”
       She slipped the chain around her neck. “Do you guys think you could meet me in the cellar in about fifteen minutes?”
       Marcus frowned. “Sure, but why?”
       “Just meet me in the cellar in fifteen and I’ll show you.” She rushed away before they could respond.

                                                                   -5-
       The hairs on her neck stood on end and goose bumps broke out across her flesh. Lauriana felt like turning around and running back up the steps, but as if they had a mind of their own, her feet moved forward. She set her flashlight down on a shelf nearby and pulled the wine rack forward. She felt a hand on her back, jumped and whirled around.
       “You two scared me half to death.”
       “What are you doing?” Marcus asked.
       “Look.”
       “What in the hell? This door wasn’t here before.”
       “Are you sure?”
       “Positive. I helped dad build this wine rack.”
       “He’s right,” Sheridan said. “This is new.”
       Lauriana frowned. “How can that be? I tried to move the rack far enough ahead to open the door, but I couldn’t do it by myself. Would you help me?”
       Sheridan grabbed one side of the wine rack. “Let’s do it.”
       They moved the wine rack away from the wall without spilling any of dad’s prized whiskey, which is what their father kept on his wine rack.
She tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge . “If there’s a door here there must be a key somewhere.”
       She felt along the doorframe as Marcus began to search the shelves.
       Sheridan grabbed her arm. “Wait a minute.” He picked up the key around her neck. “Try this one.”
        “No… It can’t be.”
       She stuck the key in the lock. The tumblers turned with a loud click. She glanced at her brothers and then slowly opened the door. Before she could step into the room, Marcus grabbed her arm with one hand and shut the door with the other. He positioned himself between her and the door.
       “What do you think you’re doing?”
       “I’m going to check this out.”
       “I think it’s just a little too convenient that you are given a key by an unknown person the same day as you find this door. This could be dangerous.”
       She looked to Sheridan, but found no support from him. “Marcus is right for a change. It’s like someone wants you to go into that room. We better leave it alone.”
       Lauriana didn’t know why, but she felt compelled to go into the room. She also knew that she wouldn’t let her brothers stop her. She understood their concern. The situation did seem odd. But the idea of someone luring her into a secret room in her parent’s cellar seemed ridiculous. There had to be a logical reason for the key, the room, everything. Someone was playing an elaborate joke.
      “Sheridan and I will check it out first,” Marcus said. “Then if it’s safe you can look around.”
       “This is crazy, it’s just a room.”
       “A room that appeared out of nowhere. You’re not going into that room until I’ve checked it out.”
       “Have it your way.” She headed toward the steps. When her brothers reached her, she bolted toward the wine rack and through the door. The air around her wavered. She could hear her brothers calling her name. When she looked back all she could see was a thick white fog. This was not the empty room she saw a minute ago. Torches flickered, casting dark shadows along the wall. A musty smell filled her nostrils and each footstep set off a little cloud of dust.
       Her brothers burst through the door and stopped in their tracks. Marcus glared at her and Sheridan just shook his head.
       “One of these days you are going to get into a lot of trouble because you don’t listen to me,” Marcus said.
       “I listen to you when you make sense. Look at what I found.” She pointed to four weapons mounted on the wall, a two-handed sword, a bow, a battle-axe and a dagger. The sword had her name under it. Her brother’s names were each under a weapon too. The name under the fourth had been eroded over time. She looked at the beautiful sword hanging over her name and ran her fingers over the blue gems encrusted on the hilt.
       “Wait! Don’t touch anything,” Sheridan said.
       She grasped the hilt of the sword. A loud grinding noise filled her ears. The floor in the middle of the room opened. A large pedestal with four slots rose into the middle of the room. The slots looked like they were meant for weapons. She turned the sword over in her hands. She spun around swinging the sword in the air. Sheridan yelled and jumped out of the way but not before the sword caught the tail of his shirt and she heard a loud rip.
       “Hey, this is my favorite shirt!”
       She felt the color rise in her face as Lauriana covered her mouth with her hand. “I am so sorry.” She stifled a laugh. “I swear I didn’t know you were there.”
       “Just keep that thing away from me. Let’s get out of here. We shouldn’t be messing around with this room. There’s something wrong here.”
       “I agree,” Marcus said. “Until we know what we’re dealing with we should back off.”
       This had to be a trick; none of this was possible. Doors did not appear out of nowhere. Someone built it and the room. She walked over to the pedestal and tried the sword in the slot, a perfect fit. “As long as we’re here what harm can there be. Do you see anyone? Someone has gone through a lot of trouble to play this joke on me, we might as well play it all the way through. Let’s try the other weapons in the pedestal. I want to see what happens.”
       Marcus snatched the weapon off the wall. “I always wanted a bow like this.”
       “I’m not touching anything,” Sheridan said.
       “Please. Don’t be such a killjoy. What could it possibly hurt?”
       “It could hurt plenty,” Sheridan grumbled as he grabbed the battle-axe.         

       They placed their weapons in the slots in the pedestal and waited.
       Nothing happened.
       Marcus rubbed his chin. “Are you satisfied? Can we get out of here now?”
       “I think we need the fourth person. But who could it be?” Lauriana asked.       

        As if to answer her question, she heard Cousin Winnie’s voice.
       “Hey, is there anyone down here?”
      “We’re in here, over by the wine rack,” Lauriana called.
      “What? I don’t see anyone. Where did this door come from?” Winnie stepped into the room. Her jaw dropped. “How did this get here?”
       “We don’t know,” Marcus said. “Lauriana found this room and against my orders, she decided to check it out.”
       “This is really strange. I can’t believe this. Do you think it’s a joke?”
       Lauriana shrugged her left shoulder. “It has to be. I guess I have to play this through to find out who went to all this trouble. My parents must know, how else could someone get down here to do all this.”
       “A rather elaborate joke. I just came to say good-bye. Jenessa and I are going to leave. Although now I think I’d like to stay to see how this turns out.”
       “Would you do me a favor, grab that dagger on the wall and then bring it over here.”
       “Sure.”
       Winnie returned with the dagger and stuck the blade into the pedestal.
       The pedestal split apart, smoke billowed from its center. Lauriana’s eyes widened as she and the others began to gag and choke. She tried to turn and run but her feet wouldn’t move. She tried to wrap her mind around what was happening, but she couldn’t. Her eyes stung and her lungs ached. Her heart thudded in her chest, as she watched the others one by one drop to the floor grabbing their throats. Her last thought before she lost consciousness was of Ari. She’d never see him again.

       Jenessa weaved in and out of the guests and headed for the back of the house. Where had her sister gone? She needed to get back and check her apartment. She had a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach that told her that she had left a window open.
       Despite the freak storm, the party had been great. She enjoyed seeing her cousin again. The older they got, the less time they had for each other. She’d never forget how Lauriana flew through the air and caught Maya. But then that was her cousin. She would walk through fire without a moments thought if someone she cared about needed help.
       When she reached the kitchen, she heard faint shouts coming from the cellar and ran down the steps.
       “What’s going on in here?” She held her breath and made her way through the black smoke. Her foot hit something solid and she fell to the floor. Jenessa felt panic rise in her chest when she realized what had tripped her, a body. She had to get help, but her legs wouldn’t move from the floor. She couldn’t hold her breath any longer and began to cough and choke on the smoke. The world went black.

        The smoke cleared. The halves of the pedestal came together. The door to the room closed and locked. The wine rack slid back against the wall. The lights flickered and came back on. No sign remained that anyone had ever been in the cellar.
  

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July 25, 2009

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maggers_ann reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I found this piece very interesting! It’s setting up for a really nice fantasy novel, although it didn’t seem it in the begining. There were a couple times when it would switch point of view, and I would have to remind myself that it did. Maybe indicating the change by a bigger page break would help? Overall, I enjoyed it, and now I’m going to read more! Thanks!

slbynum3 avatar Random Review

February 16, 2009

slbynum3

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slbynum3 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

I’ve been reading all the other chapters of this, and I hadn’t even known you’d posted the first one. I’m glad I got to see how it all began, and Lauriana’s relationship with Ari. It’s sad that she and him won’t be together anymore.

“Winnie and Jenessa grinned at her. “What?”” it isn’t clear who said ‘what?’

“He tired of this simple room” the word ‘was’ should come between ‘he’ and ‘tired’

Great beginning. This story never ceases to intrigue me.

senkiasenswe avatar General Friend

February 12, 2009

senkiasenswe

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senkiasenswe reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

The switch from the main character to the villain is awkward after Ari pulls her back to the house. But other than that I didn’t notice anything that was wrong with the writing. You have a very solid plot and you do a good job balancing dialog and action.

rekstein avatar Random Review

January 21, 2009

rekstein

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
rekstein reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

You have created a very good story. It is it’s own world. You have drawn out an impressive piece of work. An epic I guess. I am curious about your efforts “placing” it so far. I am curious about your audience too. Is it “mass”; is it “teen”? Is it twenty-five year-old “teens”? Of course we can’t predict all this. I myself would lean it more toward the subtle and sophisticated, but that’s just my weird style. You move it quickly with lots of witty dialogue, perhaps too much, and not many silences, or mood settings, but yes some, which I’ll point out. Again, I am just expressing preferences. Your world is there, and it could be very successful.

I have the disadvantage/advantage of having read a much latter chapter. Yes indeed, Ari is introduced (as a “god”) and so I do sense that tension of L falling for someone else eventually; especially since she and Ari already have the tension of likely being separated. This plays well. Oh, heartache. Nice. “She felt a sudden urgency to call him back that she didn’t understand”. So, I wonder what’s going to happen w this lost love and also w her new love; and this is what the writer wants us to feel.

I have thought about writing fantasy and so I must mention that the Tolkien world is so central that it makes me wonder how to be original. I’ve even thought about picking up pieces of his story and entering into them tangentially and yet originally. You have said, I think, that originality is dead so it’s not a concern. I can see your book published, but I can also see it being sold at airports. What are your goals? (Those books sell a lot!!) Consider CS Lewis too – teens find a secret door/wardrobe into another world, of wizards and magic and save-the-world heroics. I believe you do have to navigate around those themes a bit.

The contrast between wine-coolers and blue amulet chamber-lair magic (though linked by the fact that “he/the man” is drinking wine)…is this something you want to beware of or to emphasize?

Though you have done a masterful and comprehensive work, some grammar and style tightening could happen throughout, such as:

      ”The light summer breeze felt like heaven against her face as the light scent” (light used twice) (and ‘wafting’ is a bit trite)
      ”They’d promised mom and dad they’d” – these contractions are awkward especially outside of dialogue. One is “had” and one is “would”
      ”If her whole body didn’t//hadn’t hurt, she’d//would have gotten up and walk away.
      ”It’ll take to (too) long to get to my old room. Let’s do it right here.”

The Harvard mention seems trite, as does Ginny’s one-dimensional whining. Again, it leans more toward airport reading, but yet some readers and writers love this!!

Big picture:  Lauriana is well done. She is a pretty, smart, sexy 25 year old, a good heroine to build around. I think you did bring her to life, but perhaps even develop her more. Deepen her, and that can serve as a great hook. I wonder whether L’s saving the little girl is symbolic? Otherwise, certain aspects of chapter 1 (such as carrying laundry) might be trimmed, or replaced w subtle foreshadowing. The big strong scowling brother is a potentially a hook-charismatic character too, and (though a bit cliché) his contrast to his brother helps create your very good setting and intrigue.

Regarding general mood setting, here’s a rare example of our pausing to “look around” our characters’ minds. “After he left, Lauriana took a deep breath and let it out. Why did she get an uneasy feeling whenever she thought about the future? All she ever wanted to do was go to law school and she was looking forward to a life with Ari. Maybe her uneasy feeling had nothing to do with either one…..She suddenly felt so alone. How ironic that she could be in a house full of people and still feel alone. The truth was sometimes she felt like she didn’t belong here, as if she was living the wrong life. The problem was she had no idea where it was she did belong.”

I’m seguing here, but you do need to develop her quandary and restlessness, in order to justify the coming adventure and heroism and sacrifice. But it must be made believable. I’d like to see L deepened w slightly more real and tangible personal questionings. Let’s feel the pain. “She had been sure that something exceptional would happen this year, but now she was starting to have doubts.” Yes you need this for the story, but why should I believe the character is really feeling this—where does it come from?

Your cellar is important, and the first “force drawing her” there is quite vague and contrived. But the second appearance does have intrigue, and I like that she goes down again too. It is apparent that Adamek and “the man” helped facilitate the door and the entry, but I’m not sure why weapons would be included, and still some explanation of ?How? (is the storm involved?) might be needed eventually. GOOD SETTING though: “She lit another match and examined the wine rack a little closer.” I did like the cellar setting.

“The man … was so close. Had it been plans of vengeance that had kept him going over the centuries? Or was it the need to gain the power he deserved?” WHO IS ASKING THIS? his own mind, or some narrator?

And whose mind states this:—“As if he dared not to.”?

“What they took as a sign of evil was merely the result of centuries of absorbing magic.” This is good complex characterization, yet am I not right that he is in fact pure evil? I guess too that he is just fighting for survival. Again, most characters aren’t one-dimensional.

“No sign remained that anyone had ever been in the cellar.” ever?

It would be interesting if Jenessa’s unplanned inclusion throws things off in the “world”.

You should publish this thing. :)

RPierce avatar General Friend

September 30, 2008

RPierce

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RPierce reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

To start, I like the whole, 1980’s vibe you’ve going here. Reminds me of such old school classics like Labyrinth and The Neverending Story, with the real world meeting fantasy world motif. This probably goes without saying, but have you ever read Neil Gaiman? He uses it to great effect (I recommend Neverwhere to start, followed by Anansi Boys and American Gods).
Now, onto complaints and grievances, lol:
At this point, the villain seems a bit paper thin…evil wizard, lurking in his cave, throwing wine goblets at walls and harassing his servants. Even if you are going for a tale of straight up G Vs. E, with little to no shades of gray, the villain needs to be meatier, or have some sort of odd charisma. You want to be more Darth Vader (calmly, silently choking someone to death) than Emperor Palpatine (“Now you DIE! Ahahahahaha!” Zaps a guy with cheesy animated lightning bolts.)
Next, the party scene: this might sound stupid, but you run the risk of overcrowding your narrative. I’d say you have one character too many: in this case, cousin Ginnie. You already have cousin Winnie, obviously important because she winds up getting pulled in. I suggest making Maya Winnie’s daughter. The loss, whenever Winnie wakes up where ever they are going, could add a powerful dynamic to the story.
All and all, a solid foundation. Some of my suggestions may seem extreme, considering you’re Fourteen Chapters ahead of me, and the tiniest ripple at the beginning of a long work can quickly turn into a tidal wave, but maybe they’ll kick up something else in your mind. Good luck,keep writing, and I’ll continue reading!

Senkia avatar General Friend

September 23, 2008

Senkia

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Senkia reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

“Marcus turned his head when heard the door open.” you didn’t put he after when

“It figured he’d still be with Marcus.” I don’t think you meant for this to come out as it did

I liked it, I only noticed that occasionally you don’t connect sentences that could be and probably should be. Overall this was very good and I look forward to more.

catluckey avatar General Stranger

September 21, 2008

catluckey Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
catluckey reviewed Version 2 - Read 19% of the Item

Ari reminds me of Martin Henderson of Torque. Thought of Matthew McConaughey with the wet hair. Great characterization, especially when I think of leading male actors in a role.

Very nice mood setting with the lightning storm. Especially here: Lightning flashed through the small window throwing ominous shapes against the wall as the storm raged.

The claustrophobic feeling Lauriana had from the big party crowd portrayed more complexities in Lauriana.

I like the mother’s dialog change when she was on the cellar steps.

This was a fun read and, to me, very professionally put together. Thank you.

Comma girl is back and I hope this is helpful.
...the little girl, who was nearing(neared) the top…
...I’ve dragged her out of,(comma) I’d be…
...“I, I’m okay,” she croaked. Her brother, Marcus,(insert name and commas) helped her roll off
How long do you(did she) have to be an adult before your(her) mother treated you(her) like one? (puts out of context…stops flow 2nd person to 3rd…or make it inner narrative.
She and the other guests were drenched in seconds,(comma) but she couldn’t tear…
Golf ball sized hail began to fall(fell, white ice that hit the ground and bounced up from the ground). (began indicates the action stops. Gave ifish sample of what you can put after the hail falls.)
After returning to the throne room,(comma) he poured
“Quite sure,(comma) my lord. I waited
rain beat against the house,(comma) drowning out
“but It’ll take to(too) long to get
Once you start at Harvard,(comma) you won’t
...an armload of towels,(delete comma) and headed back
she was(delete) looking(looked) forward to a life with Ari
Who picks to have(has) a party when (makes sentence shorter; picked is already previously used.)
“If my clothes are ruined,(comma) you are
The problem was she had no idea where it was(delete) she did belong(belonged). (Immediacy; shorten sentence)
brother looked out at the yard,(comma) surveying
The screen door was hanging(hung) on one hinge.
Marcus turned his head when heard(delete) the door swung open.
... stupid grin he’d had on his face all-day(all day).
...instead of coming to him for help,(comma) she went …
Her brother was(delete) always trying to(delete-trying to) monopolize(monopolized)
call him back (and tell him) that she didn’t understand. (Clarity)
“If there’s a door here,(comma) there…
“Then if it’s safe,(comma) you
Her brother’s(brothers’) names
“I swear,(comma) I didn’t know you
...what we’re dealing with,(comma) we should…
“As long as we’re here,(comma) what harm

tatteredsoul avatar General Friend

September 20, 2008

tatteredsoul

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tatteredsoul reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

Still needs alot of work. You are very talented and quite elaborate however i think that its slightly odd about the whole door and everything i kept wanting to see something that had been there for centuries and no one really ever knew what was behind it or its a new house and they find a strange door something like that. Also i felt as though i was reading a script. I dont know why but it felt like i was reading the script notes on how a set needed to look and what the characters motivation was to be. Mainly at the end though the first part of the book wasnt completely like this. Maybe you rushed the ending? Just watch the flow of your story and try to always be desriptive without getting over wordy but i beleive this story has alot of potential and cant wait to read a revised copy

oneshot92 avatar General Stranger

September 20, 2008

oneshot92 Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
oneshot92 reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

When he entered, torches along the wall flickered and came to life. – Try just saying the flickered to life.

He had had no doubt she would. – He had entertained no doubt that she would. The double “Had” just ties up the tongue.

Yes, my lord.” He shifted his feet as the man’s dead black eyes bored into him. – Pg.6 eyes bore into him.

Who picks to have a party when – Pg.10 Who chooses to have a party.

that had brought the two of them close quickly,- Pg.14 So close so quickly.

She felt a sudden urgency to call him back that she didn’t understand. – She felt a sudden urgency to call him back, yet she did not understand why.

I hope these few suggestions help you out some. I think you have a really nice story here, but you need to use a little more narrative and less dialogue. In a sci fi or fantasy, you need to have very in depth description of your scenes and characters. At this point you have failed to really bring the reader into your world. You will need some really good narrative in order to achieve this in a story like yours. Good luck with this piece.

oknapp avatar General Stranger

September 20, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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oknapp reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

What wonderful vivid images on the first page. I am missing just a bit of the fantasy edge. I need to go back to the last chapter and recap.. I feel i have missed something.
First off, you write very well. The dialogue is good the scenery is perfect.Here is my problem: As a reader, i need to be reminded in these chapters that this is fantasy. Thus, far the Master is only referred too once or maybe twice. I was just wondering, why, after all Lauriana has been through   would she consider someone was playing a joke on them in the cellar. The Master is no doubt at work here. He has always had a plan for her and she can never trust what he is going to do. I like what i have read. I can see the humnaess in the characters ; however, i feel the reader needs a little recap on what’s going on with the master. Respectfully, Sandi. Good work.

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Loc: Menomonie, WI
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Last Login: November 20
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