Yeah, “Shoosha” isn’t a bad word by itself. It just their way of saying “Shush” (but with feeling).
Thank you for your comments, and if you liked this one, check out Tommy Tooter (he’s my favorite…)
Children's / The Second to Last Grumly
The Second-to-Last Grumly:
Twice upon a time, there were all sorts of Grumlies:
The fierce, howling Grumlies of the frozen north,
And the ordinary Grumlies who prefer suburbs and drive-in movies.
In the in between time there were only two.
One of them was named Felix.
Felix was a Grumly of the ordinary sort.
He liked to take walks and share towers of chocolate mice cream with his chums.
He had one, long, velvety ear, handy for listening under doors;
And ideal for throwing over his shoulder for a night out of dancing and posh dinners;
But not so good for riding his fivecycle.
However, Felix wasn’t an ordinary, ordinary Grumly.
Felix loved to sing.
He would screech verses in the meeting rooms.
He’d croak choruses in the greeting rooms.
He’d bellow out refrains in the seating rooms.
Whenever Felix raised his mellifluous voice, he was met with a resounding,
“Felix! SHOOOSHA!”
Needless to say (but quite acceptable to write) Felix wasn’t happy.
It could be said he was a grumpy Grumly. Not at all the type you would invite over for sweet cakes and butter.
Everywhere he turned there were Grumlies who didn’t care for Felix and his melodies. At his work, on the street, in his lunch pail, there were Grumlies waiting to stomp on Felix and his songs.
“There are just too many Grumlies” grumbled Felix, as he kicked a can into a nearby chasm.
It was at this moment he began to develop a notion.
It started in his left toe and moved into his belly.
From his belly, it shot up past his eyebrow and into the very tip of his ear.
Felix wasn’t a fierce Grumly, but he could be an extremely crafty and resourceful Grumly when an opportunity presented itself.
He dug deep into his side pouch and pulled forth:
a battery,
some Christmas tinsel,
and an eraser…
and a dust bunny.
He let the dust bunny go free. It seemed cruel to keep it locked up in his small apartment while he was away at work.
With the rest of his treasure he fashioned an Electro-Erasa-Majigger, and set to work.
With a click, his new contraption began to whir. Felix walked next door where his neighbor Norman was planting icebergs in his garden.
“No singing” chirped Norman sharply.
Felix said nothing, but with a “fhwip” the erasa-majigger replaced Norman with a blank space and a half-filled bottle of iceberg seedlings.
Quite pleased with himself, Felix made his way through the rest of the block and erased his way into town.
Click, whir, fwhip, and the meeting rooms were emptied.
Click, whir, fwhip, and the greeting rooms were emptied.
Click, whir, fwhip, and the seating rooms were emptied.
By nightfall all of the Grumlies within the tri-city area were crammed into the electro-erasa-majigger’s recycle bin, so Felix headed up to the frozen north.
The fierce, howling Grumlies were all gathered for their bi-weekly poetry reading and pie eat. They were so immersed in their sonnets and haikus, they never heard the click, nor the whir, nor the fwhip; which meant they also didn’t hear Felix’s happy little chuckle when he realized he was finally alone.
At last he had his chance to sing. He sang the alphabet and was so shocked to find no one to stop him at “F,” he sang right on passed “Z” and into letters no one had ever heard before.
He sang so high his nose watered.
He sang so low he felt he had to say, “Excuse me” and turned bright orange with embarrassment.
When he finished with a rousing tune he usually saved for special occasions (such as coronations or going to the bathroom), he heard a sound.
Thub, thub, thub it went.
It was the strangest sound he had ever heard.
Thub, Thub, Thub…woohoo!
The sound of a Grumly clapping pounded its way into Felix’s ear.
He turned to look at the one remaining Grumly.
He smiled.
She smiled back and began thubbing more loudly.
With a clank,
wheer,
fwhup-up-up-puh…the clapping continued and the ma-jigger’s lights winked out. This irked Felix in much the same way chewing on clam shells irked him. He shook his ear angrily at the second to last Grumly, who only smiled wider and clapped with added vigor.
Felix fumed, he stormed, he pouted and he shouted, but still he remained thoroughly un-alone.
Vera (the young Grumly’s name) found all of this immensely entertaining, and began whooping enthusiastically.
Everything Felix did was met with Vera’s boundless rapture. This made him terribly cross and gave him the tummy grumbles. He supposed a tower of chocolate mice cream would be just the thing. Vera skipped after him into the mice cream shop, humming an anthem of praise.
Felix rang the bell for service, but no one came. He tried a second ring, just in case they failed to hear the first.
He rang again because he wasn’t sure if he had merely imagined the first two rings.
Vera roared, “F-E-L-I-X! He’s the one I’ll cheer for next!”
Felix decided to skip the snack. A tower of mice cream is much too much for one Grumly to eat (even if it is chocolate), and he wasn’t about to share it with his unwanted guest.
He was at a loss.
And when Felix was at a loss, he did what any other orange blooded Grumly does to kick start his thinker. He got to work.
He constructed two tents out of some sticks and old phelatump skins, and hastily scribbled two signs to hang over the flap of each tent. The first one read, “Pro” the second, “Con.” Their big fat letters stared blithely at Felix who then set about hunting for Reasons.
They weren’t hard to find. Reasons for bringing back the rest of the Grumlies were lolling about in great heaps. He could hardly turn around without tumbling over one. They murmured a soft music while they munched heartily on the patches of loneliness that were sprouting up all over the place like money. Felix began shoveling the happily bloated Reasons into boxes and scooting them into the pro-tent until it was full to bursting.
However, all the reasons for keeping the Grumlies inside the recycle bin suddenly seemed too small or silly to put in any of his boxes, and the “con” tent remained empty.
Vera began chanting a ballad of Felix’s genius, and without warning, a sound came out of Felix. He tried to bite back the words, even as they passed his teeth, but the phrase was too strong. It vaulted out of his mouth, somersaulted above his head and landed with a sickening splat all over Vera, who was in the middle of an ear-stand.
“Vera! SHOOOOOOSHA!”
Vera’s lips began to tremble at the sound.
At that moment Felix recognized a truly terrible thing, and it looked exactly like the Second to Last Grumly.
After the Shoosha, words refused to climb out of Felix’s brain, and Vera’s quiet sobs pierced both of his hearts.
He schlumped his way back to the Phelatump tents, and in the quiet of the evening he found himself doing something surprising.
He stood there and listened to Reason.
The Reasons poured out their song from the overfull tent in thrumming waves. The melody was all pain and beauty, sliding over each other the way hot fudge slides over mice cream. While the music washed over Felix and cleansed his bones, he looked into the opening of his empty con-tent. It reminded him of how he felt standing there in his empty world.
There was only one thing left to do.
He grabbed the Electro-Erasa-Majigger and dashed through the town. Everywhere he went, he shook free disoriented (but grateful) Grumlies from out of the recycle bin.
Before too long, he had replaced each and every one of his friends and neighbors. He took a taxi up north and restored all of the fierce, howling Grumlies back to their homes.
But Felix wasn’t finished.
He found Vera wiping her eyes with a soggy ear surrounded by empty bowls of mice cream.
He bowed low to the ground and turned all of his pouches inside out.
Vera did nothing but sniffle.
He gave a whistle, and his abandoned dust-bunny came bounding up to the sad young Grumly and gave her several sticky licks.
Vera sighed a long sigh and began to deflate.
Felix picked her up in his arms while she diminished.
Without thinking he sang a song.
With each note Vera began to show signs of life until she was positively lavender with joy. Felix was so relieved he wrapped his ear around Vera and pulled her close.
“Sing me some more.” She spouted.
And he did, and he does to this very day, and she’s always there beside him clapping away.
Epilogue:
Vera and Felix tore down the pro-tent. All of the Reasons had left their boxes and were roaming wild. They had to travel far to find any patches of loneliness to munch.
The con-tent they left standing. As they grew older, they would go there together and Vera would clap and hoot while she listened to Felix sing for hours on end.
And no one ever came there to “Shoosha” either of them.
The End
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
djini35 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 91 word review has not been unlocked.
the_prekkendile reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was very enjoyable. The ridiculous turns of phrase were entertaining, and I laughed out loud at the ‘bi-weekly poetry reading and pie eat.’ I think that whoever takes over the illustrations of this would have an awesome time, and whatever kid started reading things like this would develop a very poetic mind.
There are a few parts that were kind of iffy: ”...sprouting up all over the place like money” the ‘like money’ part doesn’t really make sense, and makes it rather awkward. As far as the end goes, after ‘There was only one thing left to do’ it seems rushed. You lose your strange turns of phrase, and it seems like you put a lot less time into wrapping it up than you put into the rest of it.
- add/view comments (0)
HilaryPoole reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love the idea and the world you created. I enjoyed reading how Felix changed through the story. “Electro-Erasa-Majigger” I love that especially, very clever! I have 4 children myself and it’s something I would read to them. Just a couple of things however, on the first page, “In the in between” it’s just my opinion but it doesn’t read quite right. Maybe take out the first “In” and replace it with another word? Also I didn’t understand what was so bad about the word “Shoosha”. That may just be me though. All in all I love the story and thank you for posting.
NiSp reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i read this to myself, then to my 3 kids (10, 7 & 4). we pretty much agreed on the same things. the story was thoroughly enjoyable and the grumlies are vivid and adorable. mice cream drew a chuckle and vera and the dust bunny were firm favourites.
the word choices could be refined a little for target market, but not too much. new words for them are great to explore. especially loved mellifluous.
sentence length in places could be looked at as well.
beginning with ‘all sorts of grumlies’ but only two shown – needs work.
big edit required around pro-tent and con-tent. the kids didn’t get that and promptly forgot about them. they couldn’t explain why felix returned the grumlies. the long poetic description of the reasons is perhaps a bit too adult and tone needs to be lowered a little.
you asked specifically about the ending and i’m trying to be brief here, so will happily discuss the above in more detail outside of this review.
the moral of the story was very appropriate and beautifully portrayed, however i think a little more clarification is needed. show how felix was no longer lonely and how he compromised space with the rest of the grumlies. show how he was grateful to have someone who appreciated him. if the middle part on the tents and reasons (show some reasons) is clearer, the ending will be that much easier.
overall, the wording and story were melodic and enchanting. the moral is a good one and can be so difficult to explain to kids, however you have found a beautiful medium to bring it across in the grumlies. i loved the eating / seating / meeting rooms and new words you introduced. Once edited (and illustrated) i would happily buy the book and read over and over again.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is very entertaining: imaginatively formed with expressions such as “fivecyle”, “chocolate mice cream” (although I would consider hyphenating this expression, Grumlies in his lunch pail, and “iceberg seedlings”. This is surrealism for kids. Even Felix’s “treasure” is a mix of disparate things that he brings together to form new meaning. I hope the surrealism in this story is intentional.
...into letters no one had heard of . . . (very nice, made me smile)
un-alone . . . both of his hearts . . . (Your word-playfulness is perfect for this genre.)
It would have been very nice to hear some of the Pros for keeping the Grumlies.
This story might be better written in a more conventional paragraph form. There are poetic elements, but they are only occasional. On the other hand, you could recast this story in verse (a much more ambitious task).
Proofreading notes:
“all sorts of” ? But then you mention only two sorts.
in between time (You haven’t set up a time frame, so this sounds odd. In between which times?)
Grumlies” grumbled (comma missing. There is a general problem with punctuation in dialogue in the text. Check throughout.)
British or American English? You use “posh” (Br. vocabulary) but then “neighbor” (American spelling).
...were emptied (I would find three different (cute) ways to express this.)
cygenesis reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m afraid I can’t be as brutal as you need, because I found this to be a charming work that had me smiling to myself throughout. I love the mice-creams and the way in which you made up new words and sounds that my our language seem the worse for not having included them until now. I want to know what a Grumly looks like. This story exudes warmth and cheer and cries out for illustration. It gives me the same sort of feeling that reading “The Grinch that stole Christmas” does, which is high praise indeed.
Just one minor point. When you write
some Christmas tinsel,
and an eraser…
and a dust bunny.
I think you can lose the “and” before “an eraser.”
Otherwise, an excellent effort and I wish you every sucess with it.
All the best,
Gary
Athanareiks reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Instantly, I recognized this as a story that could sit in the same genre as Seuss. It’s distinct from the Cat in the Hat author’s work but still holds a familiarity that makes its easy to accept the made up words and fantastical imagery.
Moral is mostly clear and the resolution is unique. I like the “con-tent”, especially but I’m a sucker for word play.
Some things don’t add up such as “listen to Reason” when it was establish that the Reasons were individual and unique entities like sheep or cats, so it seems that he would “listen to the Reason(s)”.
The epilogue also seems unnecessary. I really think that after returning the other Grumlies that he could apologize to Vera and re-iterate the moral of the story in the apology. She could then forgive him and they could release the reasons but keep the con-tent and use it as you have already written as a nice place for Felix and Vera to enjoy each other company.
There are other things but I fear I’ve written too much already. Good story. I enjoyed it.
LEB reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This has potential. It reminded me at the beginnig with the electro-erasa-majigger and mice cream of Dr. Seuss style writing. Because it is a childrens book you might want to be careful of the bigger words such as mellifluous. I had to even look that up but it could be educational at the same time. A good ending I think would be to get the other characters to start singing with him. They sort of come around to Felix’s and Veta’s way of thinking or singing if you will. Kind of like in Happy Feet. Will this be a picture book? I would love to see what a grumly looks like.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I cannot picture Grumly. Could you describe him better? I am sorry but i am having trouble with the eraser bit. I know it is fantsy and fairy talesh but i cannot picture this. He is erasing them because they are too many of them? How will erasing them improve his life? Whoo! pro and con, reason. Look, this is very imaginative but a little strange. Will kids understand what pro and con mean. Why didn’t her erase Vera? She was getting on his nerves. Where did the recycle bin come in?
This is very smart and ireally saw nothing wrong with the ending. However i need to see Grumly better. I cannot picture him or Vera. I think this is the biggest problem the readers will have here. I know the eraser is mataphoric and it might work. I see the theme: people could not sustain without other people. You still need to tell the reader how Grumly thought erasing the people would improve his world. This would help flush it out and make the story more uniform and meaningful. Keep me informed, Sandi
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
bellow out refrains – I think the language here is slightly above children’s level
mellifluous voice – again, keep your words with the age you are aiming at and based on your rhyming parts I’m guessing this is for young children.
Vera’s boundless rapture – sounds too old here too.
At the second mention of chocolate mice cream I realize that it wasn’t a typo the first time around. Interesting.
stared blithely – again, blithely is not a children’s word.
I really enjoyed the idea of the Reasons. The two tents were nice. Giving the Reasons a physical presence (something that could be tripped over) works nicely here.
At that moment = then. You want tight word economy in children’s stories.
while she diminished – she shrinks? This isn’t clear to me.
I’m not going to pick at your punctuation because you mentioned that this is a rough draft. Some sentences don’t read clearly and need commas, or need to be broken up into smaller sentences. You want short sentences.
If I knew what age this was directed for that would help but the rhyming early on made me feel it was for young children rather than pre-teens.
Do you have “Children’s Writer’s Word Book” by Alijandra Mogilner? This will really help you choose the right words for your audience.
It’s a cute story with a good moral behind it. Felix and Vera are fantastic names and they are well fleshed out. I see this as a picture book.
Showing 1 - 10 of 12
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
12 Reviews 6 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 10 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 185 Times
Skipped: 8 Times
Ratings & Rankings
