hello there! long time no speak! you know, it is funny you mentioned dropping the first couple of lines and starting with “i can feel…”. Before i opened your kind review I read the piece to see if it needed anything new and the first thing that popped into my head was, do i really need the first two lines? How crazy. As always, it is good to hear from you and knowing i still get inside you…
Poetry / wish...per
i want to care for you, in such a way, it is hard for you to draw it inside your mind
to cradle you gently in my arms, for one can never be too kind
i want to put my lips close to yours, just close enough to inhale a bit of your spirit
to draw your breath deep into my lungs, to feel you pulse throughout every vein, to hear it
to put my ear tight to yours, to allow my desires paint, to reach in and colour your beautiful mind
heaven soft vapours dripping, pasteling your every sense, until you are mine
to use my firm hands, never once to abuse you, for it is not my way
instead to softly caress you, to slide them along every inch, every supple curve, to play
to unbind your every tingle and bring them each by the millions, to every inch of your warming surface
to watch you squirm with newfound passion, to peer deep into your breathtaking eyes, seeing purpose
to use my tender tongue to drag every drip of glow from your sweet caramelized skin
to watch with such incredible pleasure as your body dances, so freely within
to absorb your every single ounce of essence, overflowing from your already saturated mind
to see your body change from being so weak to so very taught, without ever even being inside
to feel the continuous quiver coming from your closed eyelids, your soul craving more
to press my firm chest to yours, to watch your eyes slowly open, knowing just what is in store
to become one with you, to have to feel my eyes say to yours, i would never do you harm
eternally by your tender side i would remain, arm in smoldering arm…
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TiffVicious reviewed Version 1 -
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This was so sexy and intoxicating. The 3rd line was out of this world. You are amazing. I love the way you draw me and seduce me.
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neophytepoetess reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok darling you know I am trying to get over end rhyme, so here is my version of your wonderful piece; Oh and I would employ the rule of letting go of the first few lines so I would start at, “I can feel my lips close enough to inhale a bit of your spirit(what a great thought)
Drawing you deep into my lungs feeling you pulse thru every one of my veins. . .” and so on. I think Sad poet was also correct.
You still rock my world! I FEEL it! You know I love that!
melissa_is_hiding reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the way you draw a picture with your words – “to allow my desires paint, to reach in and colour your beautiful mind” – each sentence seemed to be written with brush dipped in another tin of paint.
The imagery is amazing and the words just leapt off the page. I imagined every sentence playing out in my head as I read the words, particularly – “to use my tender tongue to drag every drip of glow from your sweet caramelized skin”.
It was highly engaging and emotive, not quite like anything I have read before.
Admittedly I was a little unsure of the long sentence structure but when I started reading I found it incredibly effective.
You were right – I loved every word of it!
august_blood reviewed Version 1 -
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first off, this is a very passionate poem. that’s in essence what poetry is about and you’ve done very well conveying desire in the intricate descriptions. But- I think it could be edited some more by perhaps taking out words if possible without diminishing the impact of the lines. This is because it comes across a bit too prosaic.
i loved “reach in and colour your beautiful mind”, how it refrains with “saturated mind” further down, and also “never once to abuse you” with “can never be too kind”.
my advice would be to break up the long sentences into shorter ones to force the reader to get the pattern.
the only thing i would change is “slide them along every inch” which is repeated again “every inch of your…” and sounds a bit cliched and a bit porny compared with the rest of the quality.
Great job though! could you write a part two?
effervescentpsyche reviewed Version 1 -
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YAY I FIGURED IT OUT! now for the review.
DANNGGGG…you definitely know how to write. I’m honestly kind of jealous. :) If I wasn’t brown I’d blush at this poem. It is just wow. The way you describe everything is just amazing, I can picture it, the words again are beautiful. I never knew a man could write like that. LOL. Definitely a romantic poem, and I absolutely love it.
sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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Profound changes:
Please consider all the i’s. A condensed version can be as effective.
i want to care for you, in such a way, it is hard for you to draw it inside your mind…I am not sure if you are implying “draw” as creation of how it could be (imagination and/or fantasy), or “draw” as in comprehend the multitude of your caring as opposed to another’s.
to cradle you gently in my arms, for one can never be too kind…Beautiful vision here, as well as a lesson: “one can never be too kind”.
...inhale a bit of your spirit…You have exhibited mastery here, an imagination of pure, unadulterated simplicity. I love this!
...lungs, to feel you___ pulse… (a throbbing sensation-lifes’ essence).
desires paint, to reach in and colour your beautiful mind…AWESOME! But what are your colors of passion? Specific colors and remember that within those colors there are absolute, warm, cold, cool, hot, darks and lights, etc…
the mist of heaven soft vapours…
...abuse you…harsh. See other words for the same meaning, like dominatrix “safe” words or similar meanings…abuse ruins the idea of what you are creating here. Note the contrast between “heaven soft vapours” and abuse, it is too ugly for this masterful visual beauty you’ve created.
seeing purpose…LEARNING purpose, EARNING purpose, CREATING purpose but UNDERSTANDING purpose fits best.
Very sensual and beautiful. It was eye candy; your reflection of mind! You did very well here. I liked how you are developing your visuals, very vivid. Thank you for this opportunity.
bekah010 reviewed Version 1 -
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ohhhh my fuck!!!!!
What in the hell was that….. for some wonderful reason i am spellbound, with a tear to my eye from the most sensual, and beautiful thing i have ever read. Reading that i cant help but pretend it was written for me, which makes me feel like the most sought after, special being. In which someone feels so passionate about. Bravo!!
Let me tell you, you could even send something like that to Penthouse letters and make most people feel like they had “released” some sort of energy.
I wouldnt change a thing
Your_Addiction reviewed Version 1 -
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In my opinion, which isn’t much, good poetry is defined by enabling the reader to truly feel and “see” what it is you are writing about.
You have definitely achieved that with this piece.
It seems a bit lengthy, and I believe you could cut it down a bit
and it would still be just as powerful.
It was defintely a good read and makes me wish..per for someone to feel this way about me. =)
IndyWalsh reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, sorry it took me so long to get back to you.
Secondly, wow. This is a great piece of work. I love the description and the use of imagery within this. It’s amazing, clear and easy to understand. It’s warming to the heart and soul, I liked it a lot. It clearly speaks of a romance quite rare to find but once found too precious to lose.
The only thing I could really critisize is the beginning. I don’t feel it is strong enough, although if you wanted the subtle kind of approach it works well because the emotion kinda builds within the writing itself.
I know I said this before, but the description within this truely is amazing.
Well done.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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This reads like a very lovely ‘Love Letter’ and is moving in imagery and outpouring of sentiment. It does however feel a bit bogged down for a poem and with a poets scalpel could resonate erotically and lovingly. I personally don’t like poetic verse that is peppered with prepositions, in this case (to). It becomes a distraction for me, like a dissonance blanketing the lyrics of your verse.
Also some of the lines feel like their thoughts are carried too far. Here is an example of the first four lines – edited just as food for thought:
I want to care for you,
cradle you gently in my arms,
I want to put my lips on you,
just close enough to inhale your essence
to draw your breath deeply.
See how the double entendres appear and slowly come out to play when you remove some of the excess.
You do have a very loving touch to your writing and I look forward to reading more of your work.
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