Young Adult / One Wish (Analysis)
Dear Susanna,
I am submitting a portion of the first chapter of my novel "One Wish." "One Wish" is a fantasy story about the world of genies. Adam comes into the possession of a very powerful genie. Unfortunately, there is a man who is seeking revenge on this particular genie, and Adam must protect her. This story is still in planning stages, but it is a young adult romance. Thanks!
Chapter One
(there will be a prologue)
The rain was coming down in sheets, rolling down the windshield and making italmost impossible to see out into the darkness, even with the windshield wipers going at full speed. The cold, damp air outside the car seemed to penetrate the interior, and Adam’s skin. He shivered and pulled the collar of his coat up around his neck. He fumbled with the knobs, but the heat didn’t kick back on. The wipers stopped mid swipe, and the lights fluttered. The engine sputtered, and the car lurched forward before stalling.
And night enveloped the car.
“Damn!” Adam barked, banging his hands on the steering wheel.
Adam took a deep breath, counted to ten, opened the car door and took off for thenearest building. He pulled open the door, and was greeted with the wonderful smell of frankincense. He squinted in the dim candlelight. When his eyes adjusted to the dimness,he realized it was an old antique shop. His dark eyes widened when he realized many ofthese antiques belonged in a museum. There were stone statues of Egyptian Gods; canopic jars which held the internal organs of the dead; statues of Buddha that were caved out of jade; miniature elephants that were, ironically, carved out of ivory. The walls were covered with bookshelves, which held…very rare, very precious books, he assumed. There were tables with an array of daggers and beautifully crafted claymores. He hoped the owner had excellent insurance.
Adam ran his fingers though his damp brown hair. It would be such a shame to losethese priceless artifacts in a fire or burglary. He thought.
He started toward the back of the shop, where he spotted a doorway hung with glassbeads. He stopped suddenly as his attention was drawn to one corner where sat whatlooked like a stone alter. Sitting on the alter, there were many ancient looking oil lampsand ceramic and glass vases. The lamps bathed the corner in a warm glow, and gave the shop a cozy feeling. He walked over towards the lamps…
“Can I help you?” said a scratchy voice from behind Adam.
Adam started, spinning around nearly knocking the lamps off the stone table. Heswallowed. The voice belonged to an old woman. She was dressed in a black cotton dresswith a scarlet shawl draped over her slender shoulders. Her silver grey hair was twisted into a knot at her neck. Adam noticed a keen intelligence behind the old woman’spiercing gaze. Anyone would be a fool to let their guard down around this woman. Hethought.
“My car stalled and I was just wondering if I could use your phone…I’m sorry to
bother you….”
“Nonsense. It’s this way.” She turned and motioned for Adam to follow her.
She led him in to the back room, through the glass beads hanging over the entrance tothe room in the rear. The woman sat down at a table covered with dark blue, and purplefabric. Adam stood in the doorway. He watched as the woman shuffled a deck of tarotcards. He cleared his throat. Without looking up, she pointed to the corner. Adam hurriedthrough the dim room, taking in the rich decorations. Crystal ornaments, marble statues,and lavender and blood red silk draperies.
Adam picked up the phone, and paused briefly, flipping though the yellow pages looking for the nearest garages. After spending the next fifteen minutes trying to locate an open mechanic, Adam sighed, hung up the phone, and decided to call his best friend, Madeleine Hope. He really didn’t want to have to walk three miles in the icy rain.
“Hey, Maddie! I need a ride. Can you come get me?”
“Did your lemon finally die on you?” She snickered.
“Something like that,” he grumbled. “I’m at the antique shop on Bishop Avenue.
“Ok. I know that place. I’ll be there soon.” The phone¬¬¬¬¬¬ fell silent.
When Adam finally hung up the phone, he went back through the small entry. The woman watched him expectantly as he moved toward the front of the store.
“Thanks again. Er…my friend should be here in a few minutes.”
“No problem,” she said, laying out the tarot cards in an intricate spread, “would you care to see what the future has in store for you?”
Adam mentally rolled his eyes. He wasn’t really one who believed in all this New Age silliness. Really, it seems quite ridiculous to believe that some crystal could possibly possess any energy that would affect the outcome of person’s life, positively or negatively. And horoscopes? Really?
“Um…no. Thanks anyway.” He tried to smile, but he was a little worried it actually came out as a grimace.
The woman looked thoughtful for a minute, her brows drew together and her mouth puckered. “No charge?” Her eyes gleamed with amusement.
Adam sighed and sat down across from the fortune teller. “Alright. You talked me into it.”
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This 127 word review has not been unlocked.
First impressions tell me that this is an incredibly short chapter, understandable if it isn’t all of it but if it is I’d work on extending it a little more.
The story itself left me somewhat confused, I couldn’t quite follow adam’s story and I think that lead to me not wanting to read on, but i did because I felt it only be fair that i give you a honest review based on all of your story.
Your dialog shows emotion, I followed that well. It sounded realistic and works well.
I didn’t find anything to be wrong with the description within the peice.
After reading it all, i’m confused. What is this story about?
I felt you could have concluded this better. Added a hook or two that makes the reader want to read more into the story
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It think it’s pretty good. Based on your summary of it, i like the plot. The only thing I’d changed would be the beginning. Don’t delete anything just add a couple of sentences to draw in the reader, leave them wanting more. Good Luck!
earest and canopic are mispelled.
It would be such a shame to lose these priceless artifacts in a fire or burglary. He thought.
I don’t think you really need the he thought in the sentance. Just saying it the reader knows that is what he is thinking.
“Sitting on the alter, there were many ancient looking oil lamp sand ceramic and glass vases”
(On the later there sat many ancient looking….)
Adam started, spinning around nearly knocking the lamps off the stone table
(You do not need teh coma after started)
The woman sat down at a table covered with dark blue, and purple fabric
(No coma after blue)
The story seems pretty intresting so far. I think that you started it off well. I am only being a little critical just because you are sending it in. I wish you the best of luck though, definitely sounds like a good young adult novel.
So far it’s starting out like the movie forbidden kingdom or even gremlins 1. I say switch it up, why not make the fortune teller and young hot chick…which convinces him in the first place to sit down to get his fortune told. The writing is perfect, but so far the plot is typical. I like the description you give in the notes, because genie stories or moves aren’t that common. So once the genie comes into the story I think it’ll become more unpredictable and interersting
It’ll be interesting to see how this goes. I like the details and descriptions. However, it doesn’t really develop Adam as a character very much (other than that he doesn’t believe in superstitions)...maybe focus on that more?
-Some punctuation is confusing. And there are quite a few words that are not separated with spaces. Examples:
‘The woman sat down at a table covered with dark blue, and purplefabric.’
‘Anyone would be a fool to let their guard down around this woman. Hethought.’
In the first, you don’t need the comma at all. Pausing there is awkward. In the second, I think it would read better replacing the comma with a period. The way it’s written now makes it sound like Adam is wrong and that a person could let their guard down around the woman, which seems like unnecessary babble. Yet the way it’s written makes it sound important…
-Well you certainly did a good job leaving the reader hanging and wanting to read more. :) I thought the details were well done, describing the shop and everything within it. I was a bit disappointed you didn’t get into the genies at all, but you did mention a lamp, so the foreshadowing was good.
-Obviously this is a small bit of the story, but from this small bit, it did not seem aimed at the YA crowd. It seemed more adult. But maybe when you get into the genies more it will feel different.
I really like it. However, you seem to have a problem of forgetting spaces inbetween your words :)
Fix that up, and it’s great.
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