Excellent commentary. Thanks for the read and the considered review. Cheers!
Novel Treatments / Untitled, Chapter 1 (Analysis)
A grey rainbow trout fell from the sky, the day John left the office for the last time. It was a healthy five pounder who’d spent the better part of three years in nearby Windy Lake, avoiding the cheap plastic lures fishermen put out on Sundays, only to be whisked up this morning by a water spout. After shattering a fortieth floor window of the Providence Insurance Building, the fish tumbled down the sloped glass incline, glancing off the umbrella of a hot dog vendor, before flopping at John’s feet.
For a moment, John and the fish locked eye to eye. The pitiful fish being from the country, its mouth agape, wiggled about on the pavement, completely out of his element in the city. A glint of silver chain shone from its mouth, the same silver as the engraved pocket watch the office staff had given him as a going away present. John bent down, turning his head to get a better view. He tapped his hand to the pocket of his pants, feeling the round shape of the watch against his leg.
As a crowd formed a circle, some looking nervously up at Providence and others down at the fish, a street person lifted the fish by its tail and tossed it into his shopping cart. No one noticed as he pushed his cart through the crowd, most simply turning their heads and giving way.
John saw the street person, as though he’d never seen one before. Cloaked in a heavy olive coat and ball cap, the old man hurried away from the crowd. He had certainly seen his fair share of these non-descriptive shape shifters, crouched in the subway station, huddled under bridges, or hoarding the best park benches across from City Hall at lunch time. Until now, street people were a “what” rather than a “who.” Moreover, the “what” was a nuisance.
“Hey,” John hollered, forcing his way through the crowd. “Stop.”
The old man turned for a moment, then hurried away with the front right wheel of the cart spinning wildly. John took two steps forward, before tripping hard over a black wheeled carry-on tote attached to a pleasant-looking young woman in a business suit. Pain shot through his knee as he collapsed at her feet. _Crack!_ He felt the watch break in his pocket.
“Are you alright?” said the young woman, looking down at him.
Under different circumstances he might’ve said something clever like, _Just falling head over heels for you, darling_, but he didn’t. Instead, he said, “I think I broke something.” He could feel shooting pain run the length of his leg. Glass shards rattled in his pocket.
By the time he got back on his feet, the old man had rounded the corner half a block away. Limping on his one good leg, John lumbered after him.
The faster the old man ran, the more he leaned to the left, to keep the whole thing from toppling over. The old man and the cart wobbled down Main Street and Huddleston Road, weaving in and out of school children exiting down the front steps of the Public Library. The cart rattled and shook like an old Cadillac on its last legs, spraying out empty beer cans like Santa Claus Parade candies.
John gave chase for several blocks, the old man keeping a half block distance all the way. Around the front of City Hall they ran, through the park and down toward the river. Under a bridge, the old man stopped in the middle of a deserted service road and turned on John. “What the hell do you want from me, man!” he yelled, his arms flailing above his head.
John took a step back. “The fish,” John said. “What are you going to do with the fish?”
“I didn’t steal it, if that’s what you’re thinking. I found it.”
“Can I see it?” John put his hand out.
“What do you want to see it for? It’s just a fish.”
“Can I see it? Please.”
The old man sighed. “Sure, take an old man’s dinner.” He pulled it out of the cart and tossed it at John’s feet. “Fine, have it. Asshole.”
John crouched down and inspected the fish. There was no life left in the eyes. He looked into the mouth, searching for the end of the silver chain.
“Now, what do you have for me?” said the old man.
“What?”
“What do you have for me.”
John looked up, straight into the barrel of a revolver. “Are you kidding me?” he said.
“Shit! Give me your wallet, motherfucker.” The old man whacked him across the face with the butt of the gun, sending his glasses to the ground.
John carefully pulled his wallet out and put it on the ground in front of him. He looked around to see if there was anybody who could help him – perhaps a late afternoon jogger or a passing motorist – but there was no one around, not even a curious squirrel.
“And empty your pockets.”
John pulled the broken watch out, along with six-fifty in change, laying it next to the wallet.
The old man picked up the wallet and watch, and shoved them into his coat pocket. “Keep the change,” he said, turning back to the cart. Pointing the gun at John, he continued, “And don’t follow me. Understand?”
John nodded. Blood trickle down his cheek. He wasn’t going to argue.
When the old man had disappeared down a trail along the river, John picked up his glasses and put them on. He could feel his hair matted to his forehead from dried blood. He felt the vessels in his head pound and his stomach tighten in a knot. The fish lay at his feet, beside the change. He picked up the fish with one hand, and shoved two fingers of his free hand into its mouth until he felt something solid. Carefully, he pulled up the silver chain. At the end of the chain was a Saint Jude medallion engraved with, _To J.K., Always, Brad_.
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chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning was definately an attention grabber and the rest kept me reading. The problem(s) I have with this story is why this guy cared that there was a silver chain in the fishes mouth. Maybe some explanation into his curiousity would help. Also, after he gets hit in the head you write that he ” could feel his hair matted to his forehead from dried blood.” he just got hit so it wouldn’t dry that fast and head wounds are the worst when it comes to bleeders, maybe you should change it to describe him feeling the hotness of the blood on his fore head, in your own words. Other than that I thought the writing was done very well and I would love to see where this goes.
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andersda reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a brilliant opening for a novel treatment. I thought your homeless guy cum robber was a bit over the top, though. It’s not so bad it kills the story, but why have premice issues if you can avoid them. Most homeless guys wander the street, and, when you look into their eyes, all you see is crazy looking back. You might play want to him that way instead of criminal. Besides, a crazy guy can be useful in a story.
A grey rainbow – silver
Shattering the window implies or trout would be rendered sushi by the time it got to John’s feet. Maybe glanced off the 40th, cracked
“element in the city.” delete in the city
turned their heads and gave way
John had certainly
“with the front right wheel of the cart spinning wildly.” I love this bit.
“said the young woman” very archaic the young woman said.
Glass shards rattled in his pocket. Not likely.
“school children” this is a bit rough.
“like an old Cadillac on its last legs,” Too much. Delete this and see if you don’t like it better.
“Empty your”
“six-fifty in change,” that’s an awful lot of change.
He felt his head pound and his stomach tighten.
I really want to see where you go with this.
All tebest,
Dave
campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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Enticing. Saint Jude is the patron saint of policemen and lost causes. This is a very creative piece with nice tension and unexpected turns of fate. My one humble suggestion is that you review your use of pronouns.
Example: “…office staff had given him…” Change “him” to “John” or it sounds like the office staff gave the watch to the fish.
Really nice work.
madriter1022 reviewed Version 1 -
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Over all, I would give your talent a ten. The story has great potential. I am assuming that this is the first chapter of a novel. The story lines is quite different, but in a unique enjoyable way. It kept me reading, but I am sorry to say the ending fell a little flat.If you are planning to continue this story,which I hope you do, give a little more of a hint as to what is to come. It is o.k. to keep the reader guessing, but make sure you give them enough to keep them reading
“non-descriptive shape shifter” This phrase is a little hard to understand. I know what a shapeshifter is, but what is a “non-descriptive shape shifter”?Perhaps you might consider changing this phrase a little to make the clarity better. I can’t make any suggestion, because I’m not sure what you are meaning by this. Are they really shapeshifters, or do they remind you of something ever changing and evolving?
“Hey,” John hollered, forcing his way through the crowd. “Stop.”
The word “hollered” dosen’t quite seem to fit here. Try using a thesaurus to come up wth non standard words. These are usually words that people know, but they are different sounding enough to capture the reader’s attention. EX. Shreieked, Howled, Bawled,
Great work! Hope to see more of it!
littlegreenpills reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it! “Object falls from sky” is such a obvious remedy to writer’s block that it takes a bit of finesse to stop it coming across as tiresome two-bit surrealism, but there’s none of that here. It’s a very promising beginning. I also like your studied descriptions of incidental things like the watch and the lady in the business suit.
That said I think it does need some work. There’s a small section in the beginning that, while not quite describable as a “plot hole” breaks the verisimilitude a little. The fish is at the centre of a ring of people, with many of these people staring at it; and an old derelict marches into the centre of the crowd and makes off with it. Now the text is implying that he manages to do this largely unnoticed, even though the fish is the centre of attention. It’s a little unbelievable and kind of ruins the atmosphere.
Pyrasaur reviewed Version 1 -
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The scenario here is interesting, immediately and with each additional twist. It’s got a good level of stranger-than-fiction: interestingly weird, but fish picked up by weather phenomena and gun-toting street people are certainly plausible. I don’t know why John recognizes the chain in the fish’s mouth so immediately, but that’s definitely something I’d read on to find out.
I like the “shape-shifter” description of homeless people, and the ridiculousness of chasing the shopping cart. Your analogies really shine since most of the description is very straightforward.
The “crack!” of the breaking watch seems a little childrens’-book to me, though. Maybe “He felt the watch crack in his pocket” would work better. And “black wheeled carry-on tote attached to a pleasant-looking young woman in a business suit” is awfully wordy for being in the middle of an action scene. It’d interrupt the action less if a few adjectives were culled. Just nitpicks. This seems like a very strong piece so far, best of luck with it.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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Comma not necessary in the opening line and robs power from the sentence.
”....healthy five pounder who’d [that] spent the better…” Fish aren’t people, unless you are about to make the fish a character.
Nice surprise in the opening.
“For a moment, John …...... wiggled [wiggling] about on the pavement….” Inconsistent tense.
“John took two steps forward, before tripping…” Again, no need for comma.
“he leaned to the left, to keep the whole…” You sure love those commas!
“the chain was a Saint Jude medallion engraved with, To J.K., Always, Brad.” I’d eliminate “engraved with”. The sentence is cleaner that way and the engraving is implied.
A clever beginning. Your dialogue was good. That comma thing stood out but otherwise a nice draft. Definitely peaks my curiosity, I get the feeling we haven’t seen the last of our street person. Did you need the gun? I only mention it because guns need to go off. Knives, though more personal when used, can have the same effect but then put away without inflicting physical harm. Just a thought.
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