Dave stood in his kitchen, looking through the cupboards, as his wife Cheryl sat at the kitchen table, doing a sudoku puzzle.
“Hun, do we have anything good to eat?”
Cheryl didn’t look up from her puzzle. “There’s that sandwich I brought home from that work party the other night. You could have that….”
A chill wormed its way down Dave’s spine. “A… A sandwich??”
“Yeah. Turkey, I think. It’s in the fridge.”
“Good lord, woman! Do you realize what you’ve done? You’ve invited ruination into this home! Turkey sandwiches are the Leopold and Loeb of lunchtime! They bring naught but trouble to all they come across!”
Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Well, I also picked up some alphabet soup at the supermarket the other day. You could make some of that.”
“Oooh! That sounds delightful!”
Dave grabbed a saucepan, images of vegetables and pasta shaped like consonants dancing in his mind.
* * * * * * *
Two nights later, Cheryl and Dave sat in bed, Dave watching TV while Cheryl read some romance novel.
“Babe, I’m in the mood for a snack….”
“Well, there’s still that sandwich in the fridge….”
Dave jumped up out of the bed. “Harlot! I now see what your game is! You and that accursed collection of meat are in cahoots! You are trying to tempt me, much how Eve convinced Adam the apple was delicious!”
“Actually, the Bible never stated what kind of fruit it was. It could’ve been anything. Personally, I think it may’ve been a grapefruit.”
Dave nodded. “Oh, yeah. Grapefruits are nothing but trouble… Hey! Don’t try to change the subject! You handmaiden of the devilish deli dish!”
Cheryl put down her book and glared at him. “Well, if that’s how you feel, you can sleep on the couch.”
“Fine! I will!”
Dave stormed out of the room, slamming the bedroom door in a fit of pique. Cheryl shook her head and returned to her book. The bedroom door reopened.
“Cher, I think I’m actually going to run down to the Circle K and grab a snack.”
“Dave, we live in Philadelphia. We don’t have Circle Ks here. You’re thinking of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure again. The convenience stores here are Wa-was.”
“Oh, okay. You want anything?”
“No thanks.”
“Okay.”
Dave left again, this time gently shutting the door in a fit of pique.
* * * * * * *
The next day, Dave was in the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and removed the foil enwrapped sandwich. He placed it on the table and opened the wrapping. He noticed it was made of wheat bread, a morally ambiguous bread at best. He lifted the top slice to see lettuce and mayonnaise. Hmmph! Any respectable meat doesn’t need condiments. They’re moist enough on their own. The lettuce, too, seemed to be mocking him, laughing from the depths of its black heart, if leafy vegetables even had hearts.
Dave stared at the thing, resolving to throw it in the garbage. However, before he knew what was happening, the sandwich was in his hands. Before he could protest, he found he was taking large bites of the thing. A tear streaked down his face as he realized how weak he truly was. This must be what sin tastes like, he lamented.
After he was finished, he wiped some crumbs from his mouth as he threw out the foil. He hadn’t been this ashamed since that time when he was 14 and his mother asked him what had happened to all the tissues and lotion, and why was he spending so much time in the bathroom, anyway? He was glad Cheryl wasn’t here; it wouldn’t do to see him in such a defeated state.
On the plus side, it was a rather tasty and filling sandwich.
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Whilst I enjoyed this piece it feels a bit like an extended pub joke, but without a satisfactory punch line. I say this not because all humour must be traditional feed then punch line, but because the piece seems to be structured so.
Interest is derived well, this much is certain, you achieve this well. The reader assimilates with the wife and her confusion, and Dave’s irrationality is certainly well implemented into the dialogue and changing tone. I would just say that the ending is somewhat disappointing. I understand that the randomness is key to the humour of the piece, and the ending tries to fit with this. However the surreal interludes (e.g. Bill and Ted/Circle K discussion, forbidden Grapefruit, suspicious mother etc.) are merely that, humorous interludes. The main interest, i.e. the turkey sandwich and Dave’s mistrust of it, is only accounted for in the understatement of “On the plus side…”, which seems more of an afterthought than a descent enough ending.
Some of the descriptions are humorously vivid, indeed perhaps the surreal interludes merely distract the reader from Dave’s ridiculous torment over the sandwich. Maybe your strength in this piece lie in rendering Dave’s thoughts to the reader. If you were to remove the random distractions, then perhaps the bathetic ending “On the plus side…” carries more humour.
‘“Good lord, woman!’- I think this should be your first line. Tell us the rest after it. This is more grabbing.
‘devilish deli dish!”’- Good. Poetic.
‘fit of pique’- Why use this twice? Kind of an obscure word (I had to look it up) but it fits the style of the character’s voice.
‘foil enwrapped’- why not ‘foil-wrapped’? It would be more consice. Dave is a dramatic man, but I don’t think your descriptions need to be equally dramatic.
Thoughts could be italicised.
Good story. I like the idea that there could be something much darker behind a chalk-and-cheese couple’s relationship.
Wow, so you’ve cursed my review before I even begin! No fair mentioning “top 20” and all!
Anyway, the writing is superb, regardless of the competition. The idea runs wild with the husband and wife going at each other over a sandwich. At first I thought the husband’s dialogue was more in jest than anything else, but when she sent him to the couch it seemed more serious. I don’t know what the source of shame is with regard to the sandwich, other than the bread is probably not good if you’re trying to fight the pounds. I think it would be okay to mention that he’s a little chubby, but don’t hang on that too much because it would ruin a good thing. Good job overall. Maybe a taaaaaad too short.
Well,your note puts the poor reviewer in a bit of a pickle. On the one hand if he enjoys the piece then he won’t have any serious constructive criticism and thus render himself open to a refund request. He will however be deemed a pillar of the written word as defined by the Writers Digest Writing Competition, Genre division.
On the other hand if he does not like this offering he is put in the position of not being able to recognize high quality humor/satire as defined by the WDWC.
Since I am not familiar with the level of taste of the aforementioned WDWC I elect to open myself to a scathing reproach by stating that while I find this to be a very well written piece, the humor was somewhat lacking. Though the characters are developed well, the dialogue is a bit weak given the many options that existed for Cheryl’s retorts.
Example: ”...I think it may’ve been a grapefruit.”
Of all the fruits to choose. What about pomegranite, kiwi, even banana would have been a more humorous response.
Anyway, I think you get the picture. Oh, and by the way, my reviews placed in the top 10 of the International Reviewers Write-Off.
I enjoyed this one, it was clever in it’s humor. I think the ending is a little soft. Maybe she could catch him in a twist.
I don’t understand the humor in this. What was Dave’s issue with sandwiches? Why did he feel ashamed for eating one?
This is hilarious. For some reason it brought to mind the character Sheldon from the TV show the ‘Big bang theory’.
time when he was 14 and his mother asked him what had happened to all the tissues and lotion, and why was he spending so much time in the bathroom, anyway?—-Omg this had me laughing so hard!
Great job…but tell me why did this character have such a sandwich phobia?
Tigra
Quite a funny piece, the forbidden fruit idea turned into the forbidden sandwich.Good to see a reference for bill and ted. Interesting idea of adam having being tempted by a grapefruit.
It was definitely an enjoyable read. The humor seemed a little forced but not impossible, I could see one of my grandparents screaming something like that after not having any dinner.
Also with a story this good I would probably come up with a better last line, something a little more comical, considering this is in the humor section and all.
-Verb tense agreement: ...Dave [watched] TV while Cheryl read some romance novel.
-Certainly a story with conflict between Dave’s idea that a sandwich is sinful, and the dramatic character that he is presented as. Could use a little more substance to the story instead of an argument between a couple about a sandwich in the kitchen.
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