Thanks, If you’d like I’ll come and read it to them myself! I’ll have pictures by late spring, and I look forward to poliching until then.
I’m in SoCal, and was completely serious about coming in to read, by the way. My wife was a 5 grade teacher for a while and I love the classroom dynamic.
Check out “The Second to Last Grumly” and see whatcha think :)
Children's / TOMMY TOOTER or THE BOY WHO CRIED POOPY, A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tommy Tooter
Or
The Boy Who Cried Poopy
A Cautionary Tale:
Tucked away in a forgotten corner of Alaska, way out past the treeline, is a tiny speck of a town the maps call Paradise, population 72.Paradise is home to all manner of folks, but none so celebrated as Tommy Tooter.
This unfortunate boy, with this unfortunate name suffered from a condition folks in the “civilized” world would have diagnosed and medicated long before it got out of hand. But Paradise was far from civilized.
Tommy was a liar.
Trouble was, nobody knew it, not even Tommy himself.
See, he’d never lied before, so he hadn’t got a taste for it till it was too late.
But I’m a bit ahead of myself.
Tommy came from a long line of liars stretching way back to his great great great great granduncle, Henry1.
1: Henry Tudor: (or Henry VII) first king of the Tudor Dynasty, best known for his war with a misunderstood hunchback, and subsequent reign over England. So followed the Great Trickery of 1492. To solidify his claim on the throne, the newly crowned Henry talked his brother Dwight into changing the spelling of his surname, and chartering a boat with a crazy Spaniard named Chris. A storm separated the convoy landing Christopher in a tropical paradise, and Dwight in Alaska.
Tommy found his flair for falsehood the week the Potty Train came to town. The #2 Choo Choo, as the older children call it, chuffs into Paradise once a year; and when it does, all the kids still in diapers line up on the platform to be whisked away for the weekend. When they return, they’re expected to use the toilet on their own.
Ma and Pa Tooter had been waiting all of Tommy’s short life for this week. When it finally came, however, Tommy wasn’t so sure he wanted to go. It just so happened he had developed a paralyzing fear of the toilet from watching a local television program: Sewer Bears, Scourge of the North! 2
2: Sewer Bears: n Fantastically large Polar Bears, flushed down the toilet when their owners got tired of them. It is common knowledge, these bears roam the sewers beneath Paradise, waiting to snatch unsuspecting toddlers into the murky below.
With the Potty Train only seven days away, action had to be taken.
As the sun was just poking its way over the horizon after a long dark winter, Tommy readied his plan. Elegant in its simplicity, he determined to eliminate his need for the Potty Train.
“They won’t send me away if they think I’m already using the toilet.” schemed Tommy.
So, on the Monday before the Potty Train, Tommy locked himself in the outhouse, and yelled, “Mommy, Daddy, I’m POOPY!”
And boy howdy, did his folks come running.
“Get the camera!” beamed his pa.
“My sweet, little, sassafrass!” exclaimed his ma.
When Tommy emerged, he found his family and several neighbors awaiting his appearance. With a puff of sulphur a camera poofed and the waiting crowd cheered. He was pressed from all sides with kisses, hugs, and treats.
“My boy went poopy!” announced his pa.
“We Tooters have always been very advanced.” crooned his ma.
The next week was a blur around the Tooter house. That day, there were phone calls, and telegraphs. Tuesday, the paper came. Wednesday, the mayor himself arrived and presented Tommy the Key to Paradise. Tommy spent Thursday on the talkshow circuit, and on Friday the town announced a parade.
All of this should have been fun for our hero, and it would have, had it not been for one thing.
It started as a slight puffiness around the ankles. Then his hands began to hang heavy at his sides. By Thursday, on the set of Wake Up, Alaska! He had achieved a likeness very similar to a nine day old pear.
Now, an experienced liar would have seen Tommy’s troubles a mile away. After Tommy’s miraculous announcement, an unstoppable chain of events was set in motion.
Since his folks thought Tommy could use the toilet, they threw away his diapers. As a result, Tommy had no place to go.
Literally.
To keep up appearances he still had to make a show of going into the bathroom, but he’d be shaved before he’d sit on that toilet and risk being bearified.
Once inside, Tommy could feel the crowd huddle in close, listening for the tell tale signs of a successful potty time. This forced Tommy to smuggle snowballs in his pockets to plop down the toilet as a decoy.
But that wasn’t the worst of it.
When you live in a world that’s completely white, there aint a whole lot of places to put your brown, if you know what I mean.
So, little Tommy Tooter, began to fill up.
On Friday, before the parade, Tommy developed a slosh when he walked, and his folks began to worry. He made his way around the pin-the-poop-on-the-Tommy booth, past the Tommettes, under the velvet rope, to the outhouse. The crowd erupted as the wooden door eased shut behind him. Just as he was fishing a dirty snowball from a fold in his coat, Tommy turned and saw a sight sure to be seared into his little mind the rest of his born days.
Poking out from the crusty ring of the outhouse toilet seat, was the head of the largest, stinkiest, sewer bear he had ever seen4.
4: The following pages may contain content unsuitable for some audiences in the lower 48 states. The author and publishers of this work accept no responsibility for any of our readers being, “Grossed Out.”
This scared the poop out of Tommy.
With a deafening FLOOSH, the outhouse walls were crushed in a poopalanche spreading outward and upward with such force, Tommy and his ursine companion were hefted several hundred feet into the air.
An exhausted Tommy, from atop his dunghill, turned to reckon what was surely the end of his short life.
“Howdy.” said the bear.
Tommy’s mouth dropped off his face.
“Looks like you’re in a pile of trouble.” The oversized bear heaved his bulk next to the wobbly little boy. “And I think I know why.”
I suppose you know you know how the story ends. The Sewer Bear (who’s name was Cleveland), began by explaining the plight of his species. How for years his people escaped the winter’s cold by heading underground, and how their underground became a lot colder when Tommy started plopping snowballs down the hatch. He also told Tommy it was only a matter of time before one of them put a stop to it once and for all.
“You gonna eat me?” gulped Tommy.
“Nah, I don’t eat kids anymore, especially ones dipped in poo.”
Tommy breathed a long held sigh of relief.
“Besides, if I ate you, what would you learn?”
Tommy wasn’t sure.
“I’d much rather you take a long hard look at this hill we’re sitting on, and tell me where it came from.”
Tommy looked down at his feet. He fiddled with his fingers.
“I’ll ask you again, if I ate you, how would anyone know what you been up to?” Cleveland sidled up to Tommy. “Nopers, I want you to climb down this hill of yers, and tell all your friends down there just what you did.”
Tommy half walked, half tumbled down the fuming mound to the bewildered, brown spattered citizens of Paradise. A quiet settled over the crowd as the Mayor raised his voice.
“What happened to you?” he asked.
Somewhere in the distance a train’s whistle blew.
“I lied,” croaked Tommy, “I’ve been lying for the whole week.”
“What are you talking about?” asked his pa.
“What does this mean?” cried his ma.
“It means,” interrupted Big Larry, “he don’t know how to use the potty.”
“It means we’ve all been hornswaggled!” shouted the old prospector.
“It means there’s no parade.” wept Miss Flo5.
5: Miss Flo was voted unanimously to be the Toilet Queen for the Tooter Parade.
Mr. Klank, the junk seller stepped forward. “Tommy Tooter, this whole week you were full of…”
“Yes!” cried the odiferous boy as he buried his face in his hands. “and now it’s…it’s….”
“Everywhere.” Finished his father.
“What have you got to say for yourself, Mr. Tooter?” glowered the Mayor. The angry throng held their breath as the terrified toddler raised his red-rimmed eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
Two words.
Two simple words spoken by a simple boy on an extraordinary day.
Two words fell like rain in the desert.
Tommy didn’t know it, but when he said “I’m sorry.” He was uttering magic older and more powerful than time itself, invoking an even greater miracle; forgiveness.
The entire town of Paradise, pop 72, reached out and forgave their repentant boy, one by one.
When the last of the townsfolk shuffled back home, Tommy relaxed into his parents arms.
“Now what?” asked Tommy.
“I reckon you’ve got some bags to pack.” Said Pa.
“And a train to catch.” Smiled his Ma.
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shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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icedsapphire reviewed Version 1 -
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I could handle the poop. What I couldn’t handle were the footnotes. Either get rid of them, or if the information is completely necessary work it into the story. But the footnotes in a children’s book, it didn’t work for me.
It’s an interesting take on the classic tale “Boy Who Cried Wolf.” I think if you did a little language reworking, this would be a great books for young kids, not only those potty training, but to teach kids the value of telling the truth.
Simplify it just a bit more. (I would suggest taking out the bit about Henry VII, cause frankly…even if it were true, it distracts from your tale.)
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MoeKat reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very amusing! Kids of all ages will find this story funny. It’s got a great moral and an amusing way of getting the point across. It is a little hard to read for those of us down here in the “lower 48” but that adds to the charm of the piece. I would buy it and read it to my 4th graders in a heartbeat.
NiSp reviewed Version 1 -
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Again, a great story with a good moral brought across using entertaining and identifiable characters. Just little nitpicks and comments available :)
“diagnosed and medicated” sounds odd, clumsy. Maybe just say “fixed”.
I’m not too sure about referring to Tommy’s ancestors being liars. It almost negates responsibility and the information is perhaps superfluous to the story.
Ma and Pa Tooter were wonderfully described just by using their voices.
A little clarity on sewer bears: “…waiting to snatch unsuspecting toddlers (from toilets) into the murky below.”
“This scared the poop out of Tommy.” I thought this was just him being scared. Maybe say “This scared all the poop right out of Tommy.” for a bit more impact.
When Cleveland explained the bears’ plight, the last sentence didn’t flow as well as the rest: “He also told Tommy it was only a matter of time…” perhaps leave it out.
Favourite words: sassafras, bearified, hornswaggled,
Loved the description of how the apology affected everyone. And the end was perfect. Wish we had a Potty Train :P
burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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Quick note: Columbus was Italian, Genoese to be exact.
A cute story, fun for kids, and amusing to adults. Some of the vocab choices are a little iffy: glowered stuck out to me. Lots of punctuation mistakes that I won’t waste words pointing out. But really neat and original story.
spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a brilliant children’s write and read, it was a very interesting view as to life in that part of the U.S.
Harry reviewed Version 1 -
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hilarious stuff this. i love it. the funny thing is that it actually IS appropriate for kids. if captain underpants is published, then this should be a poo-in. near the end when you went off on two words, i’m sorry, it seemed like another sort of story, like it was too sappy for the tone of this. i think you should call the parents ma tooter and pa tooter and give the mayor a name, like mayor so-and-so. i can’t believe all the poop stories there are around here! tying in the snowballs with the plight of the sewer bear was the icing on the cake. heh heh… poop.
sleeping reviewed Version 1 -
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This is supercool … funny , charming and easy to read ..
made me smile : )
thanks .
orangemilkcrate reviewed Version 1 -
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I’d really like to see this illustrated.
If you sincerely mean this for a children’s story, you need to “dumb it down” a little bit. Adults can still catch what you’re going for without all the unnecessaries, so it could still have that aspect to it.
The story itself is good, but the writing needs focus.
Nice.
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