Hi there my friend,
I thank thee for your time and review comments. I may see a couple of points you make. It is always interesting to read what others ‘see’ inside a piece of my work. I am impressed that you have picked up on the title, for as the poem starts out dark and ugly, as does depression , just as crude oil exist. But once it is indeed ‘refined’ just as depression runs thru ones system, all the darkness and ugliness clings to its carriers walls, leaving the demons free to play. End result of refined crude, hence depression becomes quite clear, it just needs a light. You my dear are most brilliant for I think no one would have ever picked up on that but then again your profession gives you an edge…
Poetry / gasoline
depression is forever deep
depression is filthy blackened dark
is depression then the gasoline
or be it the eternal spark
are the flashes of resurrection
just a continual mirrored reflection
that occasional light seen at the end of lifes tunnel
be it a simple magic trick with a flashlight and a funnel
my mind cannot become a playground toy
my brains juices continue to seep onto the dirty ground, along with its joy
what happens when all is leaked out and nothing is left inside
do i just reach for the bedside plugs and choose
one plug is win, one plug is lose
some life still resides inside, continually battling evil aside
the prick just had to pick my soul in which to reside
depression is the gasoline of blight
just give me a fucking light…
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Chaos reviewed Version 1 -
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L1 “depression is forever” I would change this to ‘the never-ending depth’ You don’t need to begin the poem with ‘depression’ and even though ‘forever deep’ is something most of us would say, it is not proper and seems unprofessional in writing.
L3 I would change “be” to ‘is’
L11 “when all is leaked out” this doesn’t flow consider changing to ‘when it all leaks out’
L12 “bedside plugs” IDK what those are. Can you explain. And in L13 I would change “is” to ‘to.’
“some life still resides inside, continually battling evil aside” This is my favorite line and definitely the turning point of the poem.
Good job though, I like the lack of punctuation and the centering looks really spiffy.
keep it up.
Rach
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GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this poem. Mental illness can be a good subject for poetry. I would revise or lose the lines
“some life still resides inside, continually battling evil aside
the prick just had to pick my soul in which to reside”
that first line has too many syllables and “continually battling evil” sounds a little clicheed.
The next line is too personal. I know that may sound funny as the whole poem is obviously based on personal experience, but I think in the rest of the poem you allow the reader to relate to your personal experience whereas in that line you sound self-pitying.
Also, not to be too picky but “gasoline” is refined from crude oil; it’s the crude oil that is black and deep whereas gasoline is clear. Perhaps you could slightly revise to make note of that.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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The poem is an excellent description of depression. The depressed mind is certianly not to be played with. Depression is very dark and it creeps in . Your poem reflects this very nicely. i really appreciated this line:
“is depression then the gasoline
or be it the eternal spark?”
It is almost like which came first, the chicken or the egg: does depression cause the feeling or does the feeling cause the depression. Very philosophical.
The end is also very clever. You talk about the occasional light and a match light. One is a glimmer of hope. One creates a spark of death. The protagnist must choose. Once again a very potent well done, thought provoking, piece. There is nothing here to fix. Everything is as it is.
Sandi
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