Thank you. How Steven becomes a vampire is in Chapter Once. I will consider re-workin that sentence you mention. It does seem to be a little run-on
Horror / Tristan and Isolde--A Vampire Romance Chapter 2
Even in my weakened state, I slept but lightly. It was more like I was in a trance, aware of my surroundings and feeling deeply relaxed. I wanted to lose consciousness, and certainly the comfortable sofa, the warmth of the afghan, and the fire which was now burning low seemed to invite it, yet somehow sleep eluded me. I craved the release of sleep, but was denied it. I wondered if this was part of what I had become.
So, instead of sleeping I lay there, neither asleep nor awake, but somehow losing awareness of where I was. I wasn’t aware when I lost consciousness, but I wakened with a jolt when I heard the front door open and shut, and voices speaking in French.
I looked at the elegant grandfather clock; the hands said 3:30. Three guys about my age came into the living room and stopped and looked at me.
“Is this a present for us from Tristan?” The one who spoke was slightly smaller than the others, blond, and very Teutonic looking. Too much so—he gave me the creeps. He could have been a Hitlerjungen by his looks; his French was heavily accented, and I could tell it was not his native language.
“Hush, Rainer,” a voice spoke in English, “We probably woke him up. We evidently have a new brother now. Can’t you tell he was made tonight? I can.” He came around to the sofa, and sat on the edge of the coffee table opposite. “I am Claude. I met Tristan during Napoleon’s retreat from Moscow. He saved me, as he has evidently saved you. I have lived with him ever since.”
“The rude one is Rainer Schmidt. We found him in Berlin at the end of World War I. He was alone and scared, starving, and sleeping in alleys and doorways, too frightened to kill. There was much chaos in Germany in those days. We didn’t know how long he’d been made, or by whom. Tristan took him with us back to Paris. For reasons he chooses not to not to share, he keeps his memories of his life before coming to us secret.” He cast a look of dislike at the diminutive blond vampire.
“We met Fabian in Rome.” In contrast to Claude’s plain looks—brown hair, long Gallic nose, brown eyes—this one was could have stepped out of a Renaissance painting. I never noticed whether a guy was good looking or not, but Fabian had one of those classic profiles, along with curly black hair, dark eyes, and perfect olive skin. He was broad shouldered and slim hipped, and he seemed almost too perfect to be real.
But his eyes and his smile were friendly enough. “I found them,” said Fabian, “I knew what they were the minute I saw them. It was at the end of World War II and my vampire family had been scattered or destroyed. There were still a lot of the Allies stationed in Rome. I was feeling very lonely and when I met Claude and Tristan I felt I could trust them. I was not happy when we left Rome; I am a Roman and heart and Roma is my home. Still, when they decided to leave, I joined them. For now, this will do.”
I sat up, no longer feeling dizzy or sick. “How long have you, I mean how did you, I mean how has it happened that you’re all here? This is so unreal to me. Last evening I was going to a basketball game with my girlfriend, and now I find myself in a house with a pack of vampires, one of whom has a mortal…oh never mind.” Shit, I thought to myself. The more I tried to make sense of it, the less sense it made.
Claude and Fabian laughed, but more with than at me it seemed. Claude pulled out a bottle of red wine out of the cabinet and poured himself a glass. He took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one, then settled in a chair.
“You might be a Frenchman, but you seem to forget that you’re a vampire.” Rainer’s tone was scornful.
“I keep telling you, little Hun, that wine can strengthen our blood. Even Tristan takes an occasional glass or two. We just have to be careful not to drink too much, or be prepared to be very drunk.” He smiled and winked at me.
The little German pointed at me. “You. You have a name?” He was blunt to the point of being rude.
“My name is Steven.” I felt on the defensive with him. Maybe it was his arrogant attitude; maybe he just looked too Aryan for me with his blond hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. I dislike few people on first impression, but I found myself wishing fervently that he was not a part of Tristan and Isolde’s household. There was something about him that did not feel quite right. And he made me feel a little bit afraid.
We all sat silently, and for the first time in my life the silence did not seem awkward. Normally, I would have jumped in and started talking just to ease my discomfort, but I felt no need to. I wondered if this was something, among other things, that would feel normal after my transformation. I purposely did not allow myself to think about the fact that I had become a killer and would take the lives of people I did not even know. It was too early to think about that now.
At last Claude stood up. “We should leave the newcomer alone and let him rest. I’m for bed myself, and we’ve had a later night than normal. Good night Etienne.” It took me a minute to realize he was referring me as I watched them file silently up the stairs. I was alone again.
The grandfather clock chimed eight when I came out of my trance a second time. Isolde had come downstairs, hair still wet from her shower, and she carried a large coffee thermos and two cups. She filled one for herself, then asked if I liked to drink coffee.
“Vampires can drink coffee?” I asked incredulously, and she laughed. I liked the sound of her laughter.
“Coffee is a fluid. Your body can tolerate some fluids. You just need to be careful. Tristan will tell you what is safe and what is not. She talked about it so easily, as if she, too, were a vampire. Then I remembered that life for Isolde had began when Tristan found her. If she talked as if she were a vampire, it was because for five years she had been a vampire’s companion.
I had so many questions I wanted to ask her. I wanted to know about her and Tristan. I wanted to know about the other vampires who lived with them. But most importantly, I wanted to ask her about Rainer and what she thought of him.
She got up and poured a few drops of cognac into her coffee, then sat back down. “Do you want to take the opportunity to ask me questions while we are alone? The others are sleeping and Tristan has yet to get up.” She lifted her brows quizzically, as if to say “I know you want to ask me things, so ask!”
“Rainer, what about Rainer? I don’t like him and I don’t even know him. Why should I mind him when I don’t mind Claude and Fabian?”
“Because Rainer is a killer.” She stated this matter-of-factly. “He doesn’t kill for need, he kills for the thrill. He’d kill me just to kill me if it weren’t for Tristan. Tristan is probably the only thing he fears.”
“Never turn your back on him, never trust him. Never hunt with him; you have no guarantee that he wouldn’t turn around and kill you just for fun. Hunt with Claude, hunt with Fabian, but no matter what he says to try to entice you, never hunt with Rainer.” She refilled her cup from the thermos.
“Ah, bonjour cherie,” Tristan had come downstairs. He kissed Isolde very tenderly on top of her head. He took the other coffee cup and filled it from the thermos.
“I was telling our boy here to be careful of Rainer. Do you have anything to add?”
“Isolde, I think you have told him everything that I could have and more. Listen to her, she knows our boys well. I will teach you all I can to help you prevent a misstep, but you must learn to look out for yourself. Do you have anything you’d like to know?”
“Yeah, why am I awake during the daytime? Is it because the drapes are so heavy? I could see myself in the mirror, was I imagining things? Are there things that can hurt me?”
“Well,” Tristan put on a mock serious face, “We can open the drapes if you like. We just like a little privacy in the mornings. And yes, you can see yourself in the mirror and you can go out in the sun. Yes there are things that can hurt you. You can be killed by a stake through your hear—that is not a myth. The same if someone cuts off your head. You can be killed by fire. Oh, and contrary to the old legends, you won’t be rendered powerless by a crucifix.” He and Isolde laughed as if this were an old joke.
“You mean I can just live my life as if I weren’t a vampire. There’s no big giveaway to let people know what I am?”
He reached over and poured cognac in his coffee as Isolde had. “No, not quite. You have to be careful around mortals. You haven’t hunted yet, so you don’t know the lure of the scent of blood. Once you do, you must learn to hold yourself and your urges back, no matter how strongly your nature dictates otherwise. That is how we have learned to live with human beings over the centuries. There are those of us who choose to live in the light, while others go to ground. It becomes a matter of control. And remembering to feed, always make sure you’ve fed.”
“So I’m not going to be sleeping in a coffin and shunning the daylight, like Count Dracula. And no turning into a bat.”
“No, but part of the legend could have originated this way: it is safer for us to hunt at night than during the day. You can hide in the shadows and dispose of a body more easily. We are efficient killing machines. Our fangs piece the skin easily, we can drink our victim’s blood quickly, and we are stronger than any human being that walks the earth.”
“But don’t forget, the most important thing is how you choose to live your life. You can live like Rainer and be nothing more than a killer, or you can imitate Claude and Fabian and kill only when you need to.”
“Or you.”
“Or like me. You are young and will need to hunt and feed more frequently. The older a vampire becomes, the less often he needs to hunt.”
Isolde stood up and stretched. “He will need his things, Tristan. If he can maintain the illusion of living, then no one will be the wiser.” She turned to me, “You can tell your housemates you have found better living quarters. Take Claude and Fabi during a time when your roommates will be gone and then you can get your belongings.”
“You could even keep going to school, if you like,” there was a wistful tone to her voice, “It would mean no less to you now than it did before.”
Tristan put his arms around her waist and pulled her down. “Cherie, he can stay with us forever if he likes, and he’ll want for nothing.”
“Maybe, but I still hope he keeps going to school.”
This must have been painful for her. She had lost her past, when Tristan rescued her. Whoever had attempted to kill her had not succeeded, but her memory had been wiped out. She was happy with Tristan, but she wanted more for herself than he could offer. It must have hurt both of them.
I wanted to change the tone of the conversation. I did not want to see the hurt in Isolde’s eyes or the pain in Tristan’s. So, I took a deep breath—it seemed strange that I still breathed as I had when I was alive. Then I gathered my courage and asked.
“Tristan, is it true that you were with Napoleon’s army? “ Isolde smiled as I said this.
“Well, since you ask,” his tone was amused, “I joined the French army in 1795, and was under the command of a young lieutenant from Corsica who called himself “Napoleon Bonaparte. I could see that he was a rising star and I attached myself to him. I rose in rank and became one of his aides. I was with him on several campaigns, including Italy and Egypt.” He stopped there as if he thought that ought to satisfy me.
“But Claude said that you made him a vampire during the retreat from Moscow? Were you already a vampire when you joined the French army? Or did it happen afterwards?”
Tristan smiled cryptically. “Let me just say this. I am very old. I have been a vampire for a long time. The fact that I could not be killed helped my career with Bonaparte considerably. But when he invaded Russia, when he almost destroyed his own army, I parted ways with him. If you are asking if I was already a vampire when I joined Le Grande Armee, the answer is yes. And that’s all I’ll say for now. Someday you may find out the whole story. In the mean time what I’ve told you will have to satisfy you.”
I wasn’t even half satisfied. In a not so subtle way he’d dropped a hint that there was more to him than what he’d just told me. I hate secrets, and now my life was going to nothing but secrets. Secrets from my friends, secrets from my family, and what was going to happen if I met a girl?
I tried to adopt a casual attitude, like this was nothing more than a casual conversation. “I’d like some coffee, if it’s all right. And a little of that cognac would be nice if it’s okay. I hope all my questions didn’t offend you.”
“I’ll answer that,” said Isolde, “No, you didn’t. To find out anything from Tristan you often have to ask.” They laughed together as if this was some private joke.
“Oh god,” I thought, “What have I gotten myself into? Well, welcome to your new world, Steven.”
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Hypernormal reviewed Version 4 -
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Hi,
This was certainly an interesting read…and that comes from someone who is not fond of vampire stories.
Your sparse description didn’t affect the read at all for me, your characters seem comfortable enough in their surroundings: if they’re happy; I’m happy.
Your dialogue-heavy style works. Even I felt terrified at the thought of bumping into a short blond vampire with a Napoleon complex.
I very much sensed the warmth of Tristan and Isolde’s household, and you conveyed the newness of Stephen’s situation perfectly…which I guess is what this chapter is about.
Here are my few, minor, suggestions:
(I wasn’t aware when I lost consciousness,) – are we ever? This paragraph could be much more dynamic. You are telling us that Stephen is losing consciousness, when you could be describing how he felt by conveying his descent into sleep without even mentioning ‘losing consciousness’. Perhaps a sense of heaviness, dampening of the senses, etc.
I would trail off with ellipses to the end of the paragraph, THEN…a new paragraph beginning…
“The front door slammed and I woke with a jolt. Voices came to me in French.”
The pure fact that this is a new paragraph would tell the reader that Stephen was finally successful in falling asleep.
(Please note I’m just giving you one example of how you can turn this around in the only way I know how, not saying that you should do it this way. Who knows? Maybe this sort of transformation is what you think is missing.)
(I looked at the elegant grandfather clock; the hands said 3:30.) – this would read better and shorter if you gave the clock the action, rather than Stephen, i.e., ‘The elegant grandfather clock showed 3:30.’
(...he chooses not to not to share…) – errant ‘not’?
(...this one was could have stepped out of…) – errant ‘was’?
(But his eyes and his smile were friendly enough.) – I would place this at the end of the preceding paragraph, as this sentence is closely tied to the ‘He was broad shouldered…’ sentence.
(Claude pulled out a bottle of red wine out of…) – redundant ‘out’.
(...to realize he was referring me…) – missing ‘to’ after ‘was’
(He kissed Isolde very tenderly and…) – I would remove ‘very’. It’s not needed.
(...or, or you can imitate Claude and Fabian and kill only when you need to.”
“Or you.”
“Or like me.) – I think you might need to look over this and smooth it out. I had to read over it twice to figure out what you were trying to say.
(...things for herself than he could not offer…) – ‘that’ for ‘than’
(...what I’ve told you will have to satisfy you.”) – this reads a little awkwardly with the two ‘you’s so close together.
(...my life was going to nothing but secrets.) – going to ‘be’?
(I tried to adopt a casual attitude, like this was nothing more than a casual conversation.) – ‘casual’ repetition.
(I’ll answer that,” said Isolde, “No, you didn’t.) – this should be ‘no they didn’t’, as it’s the questions that might offend, not Steven himself…judging by the way he asked it.
Hope this helps.
Well done for keeping me reading to the end!
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mrosec300 reviewed Version 4 -
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I like the premise to your story. It is interesting that you took a classic story and reinvented it in this way, it isnt what I was expecting. You are right about needing more detail, but at the same time there is a lot of detail in the interactions between the characters. For the most part I think the dialogue sounds natural, but there are a few parts where it is a little awkward.
ex. “No, but part of the legend could have originated this way: it is safer for us to hunt at night than during the day. You can hide in the shadows and dispose of a body more easily. We are efficient killing machines. Our fangs pierce the skin easily, we can consume our victim’s blood quickly, and we are stronger than any human being that walks the earth.”
I understand what you are trying to do here, but I think it reads a little strange.
I like your character and I would love to know more about him, and how he came to be a vampire, but I am sure that is in chapter 1. either way he seems perceptive and is an interesting narrator. Sometimes people make their narrators purposefully ignorant of the whats going on around them, so I like that Steven is not like that.
MoSanchez reviewed Version 4 -
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I actually liked this one a lot. Aside from a few grammatical errors, you’ve got a really good story going here and you should definitely continue to refine it. I’d suggest finding a really thorough grammar checker or someone to proof read it for you.
The only other thing I’d say was an issue, was the time progression. I couldn’t follow how their “family” came to be. Did Tristan meet Isolde first? Or were the other two there first. You mentioned that Isolde was Tristan’s companion for the past five years. Was that a typo? I’d say read through it slowly again to catch any kinks you may have missed. But I still say its a good start. Well done.
dcyuelling reviewed Version 4 -
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Great job! I read your first version and it seems that you had made corrections I had pointed out. I am still interested in the story. Again, I like history and you stay true to the travels of Nepoleon. I like how you tell the story of Isolde and how she came to be with Tristan.
I think in my last review I told you how much I loved the fact that they cannot be harmed with crucifix’s and sunlight, giving them more freedom than other vampires you read about. I like how they can drink anything they choose but cautiously.
I can’t wait to see if you have anymore chapters done.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 4 -
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Ah I like how you gave us your version of the vampire early in the story. It’s much more fun reading these when they aren’t restricted to the dark. I like rainer. He makes me nervous LOL. I usually don’t stick with vamp stories but this one is the perfect balance between dark and light
RavenJake reviewed Version 4 -
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Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 4 -
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I wanted to lose consciousness, and certainly the comfortable sofa, the warmth of the afghan, and the fire which was now burning low seemed to invite it -something about this sentecne makes it sound like everything is inviting consciousness. You siad I want to lose consciousness but these things seem to invite it. I’d try something like: I wanted unconsciousness, and certainly the comfortable sofa, the warmth of the afghan, and the fire which was now burning low seemed to invite it. Not sure if that wording fits, but something like that.
I craved the release of sleep, but was denied it. -we dont need this, we know how badly you want to sleep from the great imagery already placed.
wasn’t aware when I lost -when I finally lost
So your vampires can go in the sun without harm? Thats a new take, I like that.
It is going good, but when the 3 other come in they seem to give out a lot of info right away. Is there a reason the 2 aren’t more guarded? The boy may be a new “brother” but they know nothing about him.
Hope to see more. I didn’t see much for grammar & Spelling.
brainfreeze reviewed Version 3 -
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First paragraph, p. 2--“For reasons he chooses not to not to…”--take out one of them.
Combine the second paragraph on p. 2 with the first sentence of the third paragraph, changing “but” to “however”. Never start a sentence with “but”—it becomes a sentence fragment.
“We found Fabian in Rome”—put this at the end of the second paragraph. This way, Fabian’s answer will flow more freely.
Be mindful of point of view—when I was reading, I thought that Tristan was talking; however, the story is being told from the POV of a vampire named Etienne.
Your take on Tristan and Isolde is very interesting and well-written. I would like to read more.
dcyuelling reviewed Version 3 -
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living room and stopped and looked – Small error – take out the first ‘and’ and replace it with a comma.
chooses not to not to share – you have ‘not to’ twice.
this one was could have – take out ‘was’
Roman and heart and Roma is my home – stumbling a little on this sentence. You probably meant ‘Roman at heart’???
your hear—that is not a myth. – ‘heart’ – I really like this paragraph. I like the idea that they don’t burn from the sunlight or crucifix’s. You kept the myths of vampires true with the exception of the sun and crucifix’s. Nice touch I think.
piece the skin – ‘pierce the skin’
I’m liking this more and more. I like how you told us about Tristan’s history with Nepoleon. I like how you have each of the brother’s/sons being part of history like World War I and World War II…I like history and you stay true to the travels of Nepoleon through Egypt and Italy. This story is coming along very well. I’m totally hooked. I am also pleased that they can drink just about anything as long as they are careful. I like how they can walk among the living in daylight as well. Making their lives easier. Outstanding. I made a few notes above that I spotted and thought I should point out.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 3 -
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neither asleep nor awake,—You just said ‘instead of sleeping’. The reader is fully aware of the sleep issue. You don’t want this to become like a hammer over the reader’s head.
but somehow losing awareness of where I was. I wasn’t aware when I lost consciousness,—See the repetitiveness here with aware? Stay away from this.
Can’t you tell he was made tonight?—I don’t like this line here. The use of ‘made’ just doesn’t fit right.
he chooses not to not to share,—Pg. 2
this one was could have stepped out of a Renaissance painting. —was???
I was not happy when we left Rome; I am a Roman and heart and Roma is my home. —Too much Rome. Remember the hammer?
Claude pulled out a bottle of red wine out of the cabinet—‘out’
The others are sleeping and Tristan has yet to get up. —Huh?
like Count Dracula. —I know this is meant as a joke, but it’s cheesy.
hurt in Isolde’s eyes or the pain in Tristan’s. —As you have it here, it’s pretty much the same thing.
I know that you prefer to tell your story through your characters, and if this is true, the narrator needs some work. I enjoyed all of them but him. Steven seems rushed and unemotional. His narration is flat and his dialogue is bland. Work on Steven and this will shine. And you can give descriptions through Steven’s Narrative. In fact, I highly recommend it. You have to bring the readers into the story. They have to see everything as you do.
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