Sci Fi & Fantasy / the still room

I thought this was pretty good. I don’t usually like prologues, but this seems to work pretty well. I only say, seems to, because of course I haven’t read the rest of the novel;)
“He is” He’s more often than not contractions read easier.
“Less than a week ago this place was thriving, with hundreds of personnel supporting dozens of bombing missions.  A single seismic bomb stopped all that dead.” This should seem more like Professor Steadman’s thoughts. Putting it in its own paragraph makes it seem like it’s an insert from the author.

“There is” There’s
“he is” he’s
“Professor Steadman says.” This isn’t needed. The Professor is the only one present.

“He is startled at the loudness of his own voice” ‘The loudness of his voice startles him,”
“Professor Steadman” You use Professor Steadman a lot. I would suggest giving him a first name or sometimes only referring to him as either Steadman or Professor. What point of view are you writing from, it’s unclear. It seems omnipotent most of the time, but sometimes third person limited. If it’s supposed to be third person, people don’t usually refer to themselves by title.

There should only be one space between sentences. It used to two spaces, but the standard has changed.

“pieces of skull are splattered” blood certainly splatter, but skull don’t.
“which has smashed,” was smashed.

“He can see where she has tried to crawl away,” It looks like she tried to crawl away or she had tried to call away. We already know it’s the professor seeing all this.
“Professor Steadman imagines.” Again, this is not needed. Steadman is the only one here.
“inside is sat in a specially” awkward. inside sits a
“It is” It’s

“There is a small latch on the side.  He tugs clumsily on it with his thick gloves” I’d combine these sentences. ‘He tugs clumsily at the small latch on the side with his thick…”

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August 28, 2008

by SwordMistress

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I felt it through the whole piece. But, regardless of which pov I felt you used “Professor Stedman” too many times;)

August 28, 2008

by trismugistus

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Were there any specific examples where you felt this?

I mean was it me having bits where I reveal the Prof’s thoughts?  Or was it where I say things like the lining sticking to him?

If you just felt I used “Professor Steadman” too much that’s a fair enough point on its own :).

August 28, 2008

by SwordMistress

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If you’re using he/she then that’s third person. If it’s your intention to write in third person by Professor Steadman’s point of view, then he probably wouldn’t think of himself as ‘Professor Steadman.’ He’d be more likely to think of himself by first name. Point of view is kind of like riding in someone’s mind. Everything is from their perspective.

August 28, 2008

by trismugistus

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“If it’s supposed to be third person, people don’t usually refer to themselves by title.”
I don’t understand what you mean here—third person is when you are referring to someone else.

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Good start, although the search and finding of the unit seems, on the whole, irrelevant. Yeah, he found the unit. So what? It needs to have some relevance. We need, at least, a vague idea of why he is searching for it. Say something like: He shakes his head, never imagining that the future of humanity could come in such a small package. Or, something like that (doesn’t have to be so melodramatic) but it gives meaning to the search, and sets the impetus for the rest of the story.

Very simplistic sentence structure. It reads kinda like a camp-fire story. Mix it up a bit.

Heavy on exposition. It is better to flesh out details in the story rather than to explain them.

Examples:

He is breathing heavily after the exertion of the climb.

and

The rubber lining of his radiation suit is sticking to him.

Both are explanations of what happened. Describe it visually/audibly/emotionally. Also, both sentences contain the verb “is” which is a linking verb. Makes for a weak narrative. Action verbs are almost always preferred to linking verbs. Suggestions:

“Just need to…catch my breath, Ralph,”

That works the action of his heavy breathing into the dialogue. The content of the dialogue along with the pause in the text convey his heavy breathing without even having to say it.

He tugs at the armpit of his radiation suit, trying to unstick the rubber lining from his sweaty skin.

That gives the reader a visual. They can see him struggle with his suit, feel the sticky feeling, etc.

The first section break appears to be unneccessary. There’s no real change in the story there.

there are a few thin shafts of light piercing gaps in the wreckage above—Be careful with passive voice constructions like this. Statements like “There are…” separate the reader from the action. It makes it feel like someone else is describing the scene to them. Write it as though the reader is the one seeing it for the first time. Makes it more compelling: a few thin shafts of light pierce gaps in the wreckage above

Finally, and this is purely my own opinion, but I don’t favor using the third-person with the present tense. It could just be my own mental issues, but I think third-person works best with past tense. It could just be that I am used to it. To each his own.

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August 28, 2008

by napalmwriter

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What I mean is that the structure is simple. Each sentence reads a lot like the one before it. Like, the professor did this. Then he did that. And, he did the other thing. It’s like each sentence was written down as you thought of them, and they were left, as is. Ex:

Professor Steadman un-clips a terminal from his thick belt.  The terminal is about six inches long with a glass display panel and six over-sized buttons.  He presses one of the buttons and after a brief pause a bright green welcome messages flashes up on the display.

You have a sentence to say he unclips it. And, then, you have a sentence to describe it. And, then you have a sentence to say what he does with it. It seems choppy and disjointed. The description and the action could be incorporated together for a more-efficient, smoother read. Ex:

From his thick belt, Professor Steadman unclips the terminal, pressing one of its six oversized buttons. A bright green welcome message flashes up on the glass display pannel.

That is 28 words in two sentences versus 46 words in three sentences. They both convey the very same information, but the second one is a more concise, smoother read. And, it’s more active not only because there are fewer words to read, but also because there isn’t that speed-bump sentence in between to describe the terminal.

August 28, 2008

by trismugistus

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“Very simplistic sentence structure. It reads kinda like a camp-fire story. Mix it up a bit.”
I don’t really understand what you mean here.

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I found it a little off-putting that this is written in the present tense rather than the past.  That is not necessarily a bad thing; if it ultimately works, do it.  Just don’t do it for the sake of rattling your reader.  Do it because your story needs to be set at the exact moment the reader is reading the sentence.

Yes, I know that many stories have been written in the present tense, and to great effect.  However, make sure that it does add a better effect.  Basically, if you can change it from the present tense to the past tense, and the story remains seemingly the same, I would keep it in the past tense.

Just makes it easier for the reader.

The main reason I point this out is because this seems like it is going to be an action-adventure story, a la Indiana Jones (or Allan Quatermain, since we are in the literature field).  Though you have probably already read them, check out The Celestine Prophecy or Angels & Demons/The Da Vinci Code.  Those are adventures, much the same as this one (or, at least that’s what I picked up from it).  Notice those books don’t try any tricks with the writing; they are straightforward in their narrative.

Calling your protagonist “Professor Steadman” throughout the entire story is going to get tiresome.  His name is first given in a quote.  Let the title of Professor Steadman stay in quotations.  When you as the author refer him to your readers, just call him “Steadman”.

Your writing is a little too on the nose.  You describe everything quickly and concisely, which is good, but you tend to get to the point too quickly.  I felt no suspense while reading this.  Yes, it’s an introduction, and is supposed to introduce you to the action right away.  But, that’s why it makes it even more important to give the reader some suspense.

The reader doesn’t need to be told exactly what the perimeters look like.  They don’t need to know each and every action that every character does.  What the reader really wants to know is: 1.) what is the mood and 2.) what is the conflict.

The mood and the conflict are what you need to be informing your reader of, not what a room looks like, or, as it happened here, what a room used to look like.

Overall, though, it does have the elements of what could be a gripping adventure.  I would use more of your personal voice in it, make the narrative more conversational than technical.  It’ll also allow you to throw a bit more humor into the text, which is good for an adventure.

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August 28, 2008

by trismugistus

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“The reader doesn’t need to be told exactly what the perimeters look like.”

I didn’t really understand what you meant here—perimeters?

btw, this isn’t an action/adventure piece, it’s science-fiction.  I actually thought I’d explained that in the notes.

Also, it’s meant as a prologue, not an introduction—Professor Steadman doesn’t actually re-appear in the story until the epilogue.

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I liked this story.  Flowed smoothly.  Although the drone bit kind of confused me on where you’d go with it.  The # also confused me, seemed like for idea breaks they’d be further apart.  But what do I know, i liked it.

It was a bit confusing at first.  Specifically when I was trying to figure out what the terminal was.  But, once you began the meat of the story it became clearer.  The story was discriptive and I was certainly interested in what it was they were searching for and why?  I would be interested in reading more…

Good story, but so-so delivery. The story is not as strong as it could be. I am left wondering not only what he found, but what his name is. It’s clear, but I would need more to want to continue reading.

It is not very compelling. Spend more time describing the scene and the actions and less explaining the character’s motivations. Show, don’t tell.

I applaud the attempt at brevity in the first sentence, but it’s vague. What does the figure look like? What kind of wreckage?

You don’t have to describe every motion he makes in detail, unless it is relevant. Ex: Do we need to know that he has to turn his entire upper body to see clearly? Or could you say something like “he struggled against his bulky suit to turn”?

Lots of exposition. Ex: “The air is choked with radioactive dust.” Consider something that shows rather than tells. Like, “The geiger counter in his suit clicked in his ear like a rabid cricket.” It gives the reader a sound to experience, rather than just being told there was radioactive dust. Again, show, don’t tell.

Sentence structure is repetitive. Try some compound sentences to break up the tone.

“These signals do not interest the man.” This is passive voice, and exposition to boot. Sentences like this are weak. Try having the character do something to express his disinterest. Maybe something simple as having him tell the terminal to “Shut up.” Active is better than passive in most cases.

“this way and that” is cliche. Consider revising.

“He ignores his comrade’s communications, pleading for his return.” Since this scene is mostly just the man (whoever he is), this would be a good opportunity for some dialogue. Have his companion say something over the communicator, etc. Show how he ignores it, etc. Break up the exposition.

A good start, but it needs polishing.

This idea is great.  I really like the way you keep the reader in suspense while the character moves through to his goal.  You even keep that goal in suspense.
The events were clearly set in place.  There were no questions on where the guy was in relation to the setting, etc.
I found myself wanting to know more.  Questions like “What was that object?  Who was that man?  What happened that there was so much radioactive material around?”  
Another question is, “What significance does this object have for the storyline?

The last was hinted at but the reason the plant went up is more the detail that was needed in my mind.

Overall I really liked this and would love to read more of it.

I love this. How at first we wonder where we are: or a different planet or underground. Then once we find out we are on a radioactive air force base post-bomb, there is the wonder about what the Professor is trying to pull out of the ground (which we never find out). I love that.

It definitely made me want to read on, and it was easy to follow. The only thing that caught me up sometimes was the repetitive use of words like “drone”. But somehow it fit with the piece. Good work.

The prose is plenty clear, though you could combine sentences in places to vary sentence length, which would help with pacing.

At the end, I’m wondering what it was they uncovered, where they are, who these people are, what time period this is, why Prof. would let himself die when it didn’t seem at all necessary, and why the drone didn’t take the professor. I think you want me to have the first 3, maybe first 4, questions. Not sure you want me to have the others.

I think it’s clear in your mind that the professor’s death is earned and necessary, and you’re trying to make the watermelon thing more important than his life. But it’s not. Obviously they’re looking for it, but it doesn’t seem like it’s necessary for the professor to die over it. I suggest you either put him in calamity (his foot gets stuck or something) or else he has a more explicit conversation about its importance with Ralph. The conversation can be elliptical so as to retain the mystery.

I’d keep reading. Good stuff. Thanks.

I think the beginning could be even swifter, eliminating some redundancies like, “reinforcing them, holding them up”—take out the first phrase.

I like that the main character is old & stubborn, taking chances.  This is a grabber.  

About the lethal gray dust—perhaps that’s said too many times.

Too many very short paragraphs.  Consider consolidating some and varying the paragraph (and sentence) length.

The technical descriptions of gadgets could be shorter, or perhaps more vivid.  Here’s one:  ”It is a compact model—small, but powerful.”  how about “It’s the size of a washing machine, dull-gray, with a whine of engine he can hear through his suit.”  What I mean is, give us visual & other sensory detail.

Some parts are vivid, like “He is surprised by the sound of his own voice—it is distorted, metallic through the speakers.  He wonders if the drone will have trouble recognising him, “

Sad ending.  I don’t think we need the last two sentences—it’s clear he’s going out.

Sounds like a good prolog, but of course we haven’t met the main characters so I don’t know how the whole will go.