Sci Fi & Fantasy / Unit #335-07
He climbs, struggling not to lose his footing. The man stretches out a gloved hand and grabs a steel reinforcement-bar. It is one of many. They used to be buried deep inside concrete walls, now they are just another part of the devastation—convenient handholds in his search. The man hauls himself up onto the mountain of concrete.
“Are you okay, Professor Steadman?” a voice crackles over the intercom.
Professor Steadman stands and looks out across the ruined USAF base. He is breathing heavily after the exertion of the climb. The rubber lining of his radiation suit is sticking to him.
“Just need to catch my breath, Ralph,” Professor Steadman replies.
Less than a week ago this place was thriving, with hundreds of personnel supporting dozens of bombing missions. A single seismic bomb stopped all that dead.
From his vantage point, Professor Steadman has a clear view in all directions. Several hundred meters to the west he can make out the remains of the long runways. Away to the east he can see a lone cooling tower—the last recognisable remnant of the base’s nuclear power plant. Steam is still drifting from the site.
The core is probably still hot, he thinks. Such antiquated technology—if only they’d followed his recommendations.
Around his feet are the remains of the MitL labs. The ruined concrete walls all look the same.
“Ralph, you still there?”
“Yes, Professor?”
“I’m going to try the detector,” he says.
“Okay, Professor,” Ralph replies. ”Just give us a minute to set up the recorder.”
Professor Steadman un-clips a terminal from his thick belt. The terminal is about six inches long with a glass display panel and six over-sized buttons. He presses one of the buttons and after a brief pause a bright green welcome messages flashes up on the display.
“Okay, Professor,” Ralph says. ”We’re recording.”
The terminal’s display changes to show a large arrow. Next to the arrow is a number.
“Looks like it’s working,” Professor Steadman says. ”Are you getting the feed?”
“I think so. You’re about six hundred metres away, yes?”
Professor Steadman sighs. It’s going to be a long walk.
#
He checks the detector.
“No, it’s definitely getting further away.”
“So you think…?” Ralph asks.
“I believe so,” Professor Steadman says. ”Every step I take away from here the distance increases—that can only mean one thing…”
“That it’s underground?”
“Afraid so.”
“Is there a way down?”
Professor Steadman looks around. There is a mound to his right with an intact door and a broken sign that used to say ‘Exit’ in bright green letters.
“I think so,” he says.
#
Broken beams obstruct slanted corridors; entire walls have collapsed. It is difficult to see—there are a few thin shafts of light piercing gaps in the wreckage above and the light from the suit’s torch is weak. Everything is covered in dust, which billows up in great clouds everywhere he goes.
Part of him is thankful for the gloom. Several times he has stumbled on unseen objects. Some of them have been soft.
It seems hotter down here, like he is closer to hell. His throat is dry, his lips salty. The floor shakes, on the verge of further collapse.
“Ralph, can you hear me?”
Static is his only reply. He must be too deep—he is on his own now.
Professor Steadman turns to his left. A long corridor snakes down into the depths. The detector is pointing down there. The unit is only fifteen metres away now—so close. He follows it, putting a hand on the wall to help his balance. There is a door marked ‘Basal Ganglia’. The arrow points inside.
“This must be the place,” Professor Steadman says. He is startled at the loudness of his own voice, and then laughs at his own foolishness.
Professor Steadman pushes hard on the door. At first it sticks fast, and then gives with a jolt.
The room beyond is about ten feet wide by about eight feet deep. Its walls are painted a dark, military green. In the centre is a large control console—all of its lights are dead. At the far end of the room are three tubes, each large enough for a man to fit comfortably inside.
Professor Steadman smiles.
In front of the tubes he finds two bodies--an older, grey-haired man and a young, blonde woman. The man is dressed in a light grey uniform--an insignia on his shoulder identifies him as a Captain. He has been struck on the head by a falling beam; dried blood and pieces of skull are splattered on the floor.
The woman has fallen into one of the glass tubes, which has smashed, the glass lacerating her throat. He can see where she has tried to crawl away, but the injuries were too severe; she is surrounded by a congealed lake of her own blood.
They must have been here trying to remove the unit when the bomb detonated, Professor Steadman imagines.
He un-clips the suit’s torch and examines the three tubes. The smashed tube on the left is empty, but there appears to be something in the middle one. There is a small latch on the side. He tugs clumsily on it with his thick gloves until it releases and the front of the tube swings open.
The object inside is sat in a specially designed cradle. It is a little larger than a football and is white, its surface smooth but for a series of ridges along the top and a long tail that extends from the back. Several bundles of wires are attached to the tail. He carefully un-clips the wires and lifts it from its cradle. Stamped on the object’s side is ‘Unit #335-07’.
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Loose his footing should be lose.
I would say you have an interesting piece and this small beginning has my attention and curiousity as to what this guy is looking for. My problem here is that I feel the man should be introduced in this chapter. Like name him in the beginning. Also, even though I am interested in what he is looking for I can’t really get into this because it feels like just a narrative. This guy is, what on a deserted planet? Earth before it’s demise? Whatever it is you haven’t written any emotion like how he feels as he mounts the wreckage and looks out at the world beyond him. Is he in awe? Disgusted with what has happened? A little bit scared? what is he thinking as he is looking for this object? More indepth feelings help a reader get “into” the story. Good luck!
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Firstly, may I say I am no great Sci-Fi fan, yet I found this very enjoyable to read, so well done!
However, it seems very ‘choppy’, rather than flowing. I feel this is at least partially caused by very little description. ‘A figure mounts the wreckage.’ What does this wreckage look like? You say it is a ‘hole in the earth that was once a power station’, but would it be possible to expand on this? The same applies to the protective suit and the drone.
You also refer to ‘the terminal’ a lot, which does begin to get a little repetitive. Perhaps you could change a couple of uses of ‘the terminal’ to something else?
In answer to your questions:
Yes it is clear what happens, although the mention of the man’s companions confused me a little, as I was unaware of there being others until then.
At the end of the piece, I was left wanting to know more about the object he finds, and more about the man himself.
And does it make me want to read on? YES!!
All very clear and interesting. Yes, I want to continue reading. But the pace is a little slow. Why tell us about beeps that don’t interest the man, because, hearing that, they don’t interest me either.
I don’t think you need so much about the cumbersome suit (makes movement difficult, has to turn his whole body, clumsy pushing of buttons) We get the picture the first time. Think of other things to create mood, like intense heat coming through the thick soles of his boot, or whatever.
-Good second sentence. I want to keep reading. However I feel that the first sentence is a little to vague. First sentences are those things that hook a reader. When I read it I almost skipped those five words because I had no idea what they meant. Although, yes, the second and third sentences clarify, I feel that maybe the second can somehow become the first. Know what I mean?
-It makes sense what happens. I think. I have a bright and colorful picture in my head.
-You say “At first he sees it” and “then he sees it”. I think that this is repetetive.
-After having read the whole thing, I am left confused. What is it that the robot extracted? I am left wanting to read more, because I want to find out what it is.
Interesting start that does indeed grab my attention. ”Man mounts wreckage.” This is good. Wake of a disaster.
So far, it reads a bit stiff, and by stiff, i mean almost robotic. if this was your intent, then kudos. Examples: The man stops, the man turns, the man kneels- these are fine but…it reads rigid.
“He watches the drone’s manipulator arms extend.”—why not simply, “the drone’s manipulator arms extend?” the writing is fine and the description is sound, but at times like this i feel like i’m being forced to look at things through the narrator’s eyes. it’s a sensation i don’t entirely enjoy.
“The man leans over a little and looks down into the hole the done has made.”—This is getting closer to where it should be. Instead of rigid stop and start action, this line moves better, incorporating a better synthesis of what’s actually happening. But how about “leans slightly” or doing away with the leaning all together? ”the man looks” might be just as effective, and it would hasten the action.
“hard shadows”- i liked this description.
Ok…it does in fact make me curious to see what’s next. and, yes, it is quite clear what is happening. My major criticism is the forced point of view. I’m trapped in “the man’s” head and it makes me claustrophobic. Perhaps try to pull out more, let things unfold on their own, instead of “the man sees, the man thinks, the man does this, the man does that”. sure, the story is moving forward, but as a reader, i feel like i’m not invited to look around on my own.
it’s certainly got potential. good luck with it. thanks for sharing.
- It is clear.
- questions What was the object and why is it so important?
- read on- Yes. Parts to complain about: just a bit more description where he’s working on getting the thing out.
Nice writing. More detail.
I liked this story. Flowed smoothly. Although the drone bit kind of confused me on where you’d go with it. The # also confused me, seemed like for idea breaks they’d be further apart. But what do I know, i liked it.
It was a bit confusing at first. Specifically when I was trying to figure out what the terminal was. But, once you began the meat of the story it became clearer. The story was discriptive and I was certainly interested in what it was they were searching for and why? I would be interested in reading more…
Good story, but so-so delivery. The story is not as strong as it could be. I am left wondering not only what he found, but what his name is. It’s clear, but I would need more to want to continue reading.
It is not very compelling. Spend more time describing the scene and the actions and less explaining the character’s motivations. Show, don’t tell.
I applaud the attempt at brevity in the first sentence, but it’s vague. What does the figure look like? What kind of wreckage?
You don’t have to describe every motion he makes in detail, unless it is relevant. Ex: Do we need to know that he has to turn his entire upper body to see clearly? Or could you say something like “he struggled against his bulky suit to turn”?
Lots of exposition. Ex: “The air is choked with radioactive dust.” Consider something that shows rather than tells. Like, “The geiger counter in his suit clicked in his ear like a rabid cricket.” It gives the reader a sound to experience, rather than just being told there was radioactive dust. Again, show, don’t tell.
Sentence structure is repetitive. Try some compound sentences to break up the tone.
“These signals do not interest the man.” This is passive voice, and exposition to boot. Sentences like this are weak. Try having the character do something to express his disinterest. Maybe something simple as having him tell the terminal to “Shut up.” Active is better than passive in most cases.
“this way and that” is cliche. Consider revising.
“He ignores his comrade’s communications, pleading for his return.” Since this scene is mostly just the man (whoever he is), this would be a good opportunity for some dialogue. Have his companion say something over the communicator, etc. Show how he ignores it, etc. Break up the exposition.
A good start, but it needs polishing.
This idea is great. I really like the way you keep the reader in suspense while the character moves through to his goal. You even keep that goal in suspense.
The events were clearly set in place. There were no questions on where the guy was in relation to the setting, etc.
I found myself wanting to know more. Questions like “What was that object? Who was that man? What happened that there was so much radioactive material around?”
Another question is, “What significance does this object have for the storyline?
The last was hinted at but the reason the plant went up is more the detail that was needed in my mind.
Overall I really liked this and would love to read more of it.
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