“Very simplistic sentence structure. It reads kinda like a camp-fire story. Mix it up a bit.”
I don’t really understand what you mean here.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Unit #335-07
He climbs, struggling not to lose his footing. The man stretches out a gloved hand and grabs a steel reinforcement-bar. It is one of many. They used to be buried deep inside concrete walls, now they are just another part of the devastation—convenient handholds in his search. The man hauls himself up onto the mountain of concrete.
“Are you okay, Professor Steadman?” a voice crackles over the intercom.
Professor Steadman stands and looks out across the ruined USAF base. He is breathing heavily after the exertion of the climb. The rubber lining of his radiation suit is sticking to him.
“Just need to catch my breath, Ralph,” Professor Steadman replies.
Less than a week ago this place was thriving, with hundreds of personnel supporting dozens of bombing missions. A single seismic bomb stopped all that dead.
From his vantage point, Professor Steadman has a clear view in all directions. Several hundred meters to the west he can make out the remains of the long runways. Away to the east he can see a lone cooling tower—the last recognisable remnant of the base’s nuclear power plant. Steam is still drifting from the site.
The core is probably still hot, he thinks. Such antiquated technology—if only they’d followed his recommendations.
Around his feet are the remains of the MitL labs. The ruined concrete walls all look the same.
“Ralph, you still there?”
“Yes, Professor?”
“I’m going to try the detector,” he says.
“Okay, Professor,” Ralph replies. ”Just give us a minute to set up the recorder.”
Professor Steadman un-clips a terminal from his thick belt. The terminal is about six inches long with a glass display panel and six over-sized buttons. He presses one of the buttons and after a brief pause a bright green welcome messages flashes up on the display.
“Okay, Professor,” Ralph says. ”We’re recording.”
The terminal’s display changes to show a large arrow. Next to the arrow is a number.
“Looks like it’s working,” Professor Steadman says. ”Are you getting the feed?”
“I think so. You’re about six hundred metres away, yes?”
Professor Steadman sighs. It’s going to be a long walk.
#
He checks the detector.
“No, it’s definitely getting further away.”
“So you think…?” Ralph asks.
“I believe so,” Professor Steadman says. ”Every step I take away from here the distance increases—that can only mean one thing…”
“That it’s underground?”
“Afraid so.”
“Is there a way down?”
Professor Steadman looks around. There is a mound to his right with an intact door and a broken sign that used to say ‘Exit’ in bright green letters.
“I think so,” he says.
#
Broken beams obstruct slanted corridors; entire walls have collapsed. It is difficult to see—there are a few thin shafts of light piercing gaps in the wreckage above and the light from the suit’s torch is weak. Everything is covered in dust, which billows up in great clouds everywhere he goes.
Part of him is thankful for the gloom. Several times he has stumbled on unseen objects. Some of them have been soft.
It seems hotter down here, like he is closer to hell. His throat is dry, his lips salty. The floor shakes, on the verge of further collapse.
“Ralph, can you hear me?”
Static is his only reply. He must be too deep—he is on his own now.
Professor Steadman turns to his left. A long corridor snakes down into the depths. The detector is pointing down there. The unit is only fifteen metres away now—so close. He follows it, putting a hand on the wall to help his balance. There is a door marked ‘Basal Ganglia’. The arrow points inside.
“This must be the place,” Professor Steadman says. He is startled at the loudness of his own voice, and then laughs at his own foolishness.
Professor Steadman pushes hard on the door. At first it sticks fast, and then gives with a jolt.
The room beyond is about ten feet wide by about eight feet deep. Its walls are painted a dark, military green. In the centre is a large control console—all of its lights are dead. At the far end of the room are three tubes, each large enough for a man to fit comfortably inside.
Professor Steadman smiles.
In front of the tubes he finds two bodies--an older, grey-haired man and a young, blonde woman. The man is dressed in a light grey uniform--an insignia on his shoulder identifies him as a Captain. He has been struck on the head by a falling beam; dried blood and pieces of skull are splattered on the floor.
The woman has fallen into one of the glass tubes, which has smashed, the glass lacerating her throat. He can see where she has tried to crawl away, but the injuries were too severe; she is surrounded by a congealed lake of her own blood.
They must have been here trying to remove the unit when the bomb detonated, Professor Steadman imagines.
He un-clips the suit’s torch and examines the three tubes. The smashed tube on the left is empty, but there appears to be something in the middle one. There is a small latch on the side. He tugs clumsily on it with his thick gloves until it releases and the front of the tube swings open.
The object inside is sat in a specially designed cradle. It is a little larger than a football and is white, its surface smooth but for a series of ridges along the top and a long tail that extends from the back. Several bundles of wires are attached to the tail. He carefully un-clips the wires and lifts it from its cradle. Stamped on the object’s side is ‘Unit #335-07’.
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chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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Loose his footing should be lose.
I would say you have an interesting piece and this small beginning has my attention and curiousity as to what this guy is looking for. My problem here is that I feel the man should be introduced in this chapter. Like name him in the beginning. Also, even though I am interested in what he is looking for I can’t really get into this because it feels like just a narrative. This guy is, what on a deserted planet? Earth before it’s demise? Whatever it is you haven’t written any emotion like how he feels as he mounts the wreckage and looks out at the world beyond him. Is he in awe? Disgusted with what has happened? A little bit scared? what is he thinking as he is looking for this object? More indepth feelings help a reader get “into” the story. Good luck!
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napalmwriter reviewed Version 3 -
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Good start, although the search and finding of the unit seems, on the whole, irrelevant. Yeah, he found the unit. So what? It needs to have some relevance. We need, at least, a vague idea of why he is searching for it. Say something like: He shakes his head, never imagining that the future of humanity could come in such a small package. Or, something like that (doesn’t have to be so melodramatic) but it gives meaning to the search, and sets the impetus for the rest of the story.
Very simplistic sentence structure. It reads kinda like a camp-fire story. Mix it up a bit.
Heavy on exposition. It is better to flesh out details in the story rather than to explain them.
Examples:
He is breathing heavily after the exertion of the climb.
and
The rubber lining of his radiation suit is sticking to him.
Both are explanations of what happened. Describe it visually/audibly/emotionally. Also, both sentences contain the verb “is” which is a linking verb. Makes for a weak narrative. Action verbs are almost always preferred to linking verbs. Suggestions:
“Just need to…catch my breath, Ralph,”
That works the action of his heavy breathing into the dialogue. The content of the dialogue along with the pause in the text convey his heavy breathing without even having to say it.
He tugs at the armpit of his radiation suit, trying to unstick the rubber lining from his sweaty skin.
That gives the reader a visual. They can see him struggle with his suit, feel the sticky feeling, etc.
The first section break appears to be unneccessary. There’s no real change in the story there.
there are a few thin shafts of light piercing gaps in the wreckage above—Be careful with passive voice constructions like this. Statements like “There are…” separate the reader from the action. It makes it feel like someone else is describing the scene to them. Write it as though the reader is the one seeing it for the first time. Makes it more compelling: a few thin shafts of light pierce gaps in the wreckage above
Finally, and this is purely my own opinion, but I don’t favor using the third-person with the present tense. It could just be my own mental issues, but I think third-person works best with past tense. It could just be that I am used to it. To each his own.
tessaromo reviewed Version 2 -
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I love this. How at first we wonder where we are: or a different planet or underground. Then once we find out we are on a radioactive air force base post-bomb, there is the wonder about what the Professor is trying to pull out of the ground (which we never find out). I love that.
It definitely made me want to read on, and it was easy to follow. The only thing that caught me up sometimes was the repetitive use of words like “drone”. But somehow it fit with the piece. Good work.
DCWriter_30 reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a bit confusing at first. Specifically when I was trying to figure out what the terminal was. But, once you began the meat of the story it became clearer. The story was discriptive and I was certainly interested in what it was they were searching for and why? I would be interested in reading more…
malapropist reviewed Version 2 -
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The prose is plenty clear, though you could combine sentences in places to vary sentence length, which would help with pacing.
At the end, I’m wondering what it was they uncovered, where they are, who these people are, what time period this is, why Prof. would let himself die when it didn’t seem at all necessary, and why the drone didn’t take the professor. I think you want me to have the first 3, maybe first 4, questions. Not sure you want me to have the others.
I think it’s clear in your mind that the professor’s death is earned and necessary, and you’re trying to make the watermelon thing more important than his life. But it’s not. Obviously they’re looking for it, but it doesn’t seem like it’s necessary for the professor to die over it. I suggest you either put him in calamity (his foot gets stuck or something) or else he has a more explicit conversation about its importance with Ralph. The conversation can be elliptical so as to retain the mystery.
I’d keep reading. Good stuff. Thanks.
napalmwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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Good story, but so-so delivery. The story is not as strong as it could be. I am left wondering not only what he found, but what his name is. It’s clear, but I would need more to want to continue reading.
It is not very compelling. Spend more time describing the scene and the actions and less explaining the character’s motivations. Show, don’t tell.
I applaud the attempt at brevity in the first sentence, but it’s vague. What does the figure look like? What kind of wreckage?
You don’t have to describe every motion he makes in detail, unless it is relevant. Ex: Do we need to know that he has to turn his entire upper body to see clearly? Or could you say something like “he struggled against his bulky suit to turn”?
Lots of exposition. Ex: “The air is choked with radioactive dust.” Consider something that shows rather than tells. Like, “The geiger counter in his suit clicked in his ear like a rabid cricket.” It gives the reader a sound to experience, rather than just being told there was radioactive dust. Again, show, don’t tell.
Sentence structure is repetitive. Try some compound sentences to break up the tone.
“These signals do not interest the man.” This is passive voice, and exposition to boot. Sentences like this are weak. Try having the character do something to express his disinterest. Maybe something simple as having him tell the terminal to “Shut up.” Active is better than passive in most cases.
“this way and that” is cliche. Consider revising.
“He ignores his comrade’s communications, pleading for his return.” Since this scene is mostly just the man (whoever he is), this would be a good opportunity for some dialogue. Have his companion say something over the communicator, etc. Show how he ignores it, etc. Break up the exposition.
A good start, but it needs polishing.
jtthehunter reviewed Version 3 -
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If this is your prologue, I can’t wait to read the entire story. From the beginning, you have hooked the reader into the story with a sense of intrigue and curiosity. Excellent use of descriptors for the surroundings and the character actions. The content was sparse yet held enough tension and suspense to keep the reader involved as the action unfolded. Great job.
Jane_R reviewed Version 2 -
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I think the beginning could be even swifter, eliminating some redundancies like, “reinforcing them, holding them up”—take out the first phrase.
I like that the main character is old & stubborn, taking chances. This is a grabber.
About the lethal gray dust—perhaps that’s said too many times.
Too many very short paragraphs. Consider consolidating some and varying the paragraph (and sentence) length.
The technical descriptions of gadgets could be shorter, or perhaps more vivid. Here’s one: ”It is a compact model—small, but powerful.” how about “It’s the size of a washing machine, dull-gray, with a whine of engine he can hear through his suit.” What I mean is, give us visual & other sensory detail.
Some parts are vivid, like “He is surprised by the sound of his own voice—it is distorted, metallic through the speakers. He wonders if the drone will have trouble recognising him, “
Sad ending. I don’t think we need the last two sentences—it’s clear he’s going out.
Sounds like a good prolog, but of course we haven’t met the main characters so I don’t know how the whole will go.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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I am not a science fiction buff, but i enjoyed this piece because it is so well written. I was almost going to ask how the man lifted the steel but then i realized it was done by robotics. The piece has a good “science fiction” feel to it. It has mechanics, Drones, and radiation—all the things that humans are afraid of. Your descriptions were very well done. The writing was clean and error free. You also left your readers with a cliffhanger; the professor drowns in his own fluid. Good work! i would read more to see what happens next. Sandi
cavscoutgh75 reviewed Version 1 -
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This idea is great. I really like the way you keep the reader in suspense while the character moves through to his goal. You even keep that goal in suspense.
The events were clearly set in place. There were no questions on where the guy was in relation to the setting, etc.
I found myself wanting to know more. Questions like “What was that object? Who was that man? What happened that there was so much radioactive material around?”
Another question is, “What significance does this object have for the storyline?
The last was hinted at but the reason the plant went up is more the detail that was needed in my mind.
Overall I really liked this and would love to read more of it.
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