thank you for this feedback it is very helpful and answers some of my concerns. the piece is speaking of both personal events and personal moves. I will revise this and certainly will work towards a revision with more clarity and format.
Poetry / Lonely star
Traveling that golden path to the place where angels dwell, reaching a single star over and over again.
Camouflage gains easy entrance in to foreign lines, crossed with fear and anticipation.
After which, at the eastern star, the capitol to be exact,emerged a transition, which stampeded upon the vows we made.
Apparently loneliness was not enough reason to join forces with another southern state.
That lone star yet again draws me near, I longed for the angels to sing sweet songs of hope, and glory. I followed by ear to the harmonious sounds coming from the west.
It was just a test, for the lonely star could not rest without me in its bosom. I reminisce on the pointed wooden shoe and how it clashed with the white veil I wore with it.
Like Hitler’s stage, I feel the question is clear now, all the miles, traveled, souvenir cities encountered, exotic paths sojourned, the days and months of four decades.
I am here with no weight, good and plenty seed but no estate, no bounty, not a single bronze metal piece. Again the questions linger, demanding to be asked, determined to be answered.
When did I miss the turn? What door was the prize behind? What window was left unlocked and unhampered? Will I ever find my way back? Is it too late, too difficult, dangerous even?
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Moons_sprite reviewed Version 3 -
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It is well written but the imagery is confused. I read and assume your lonely star is Texas, maybe because I’m a native of the lone star state. It brings to mind an image of someone moving but always being called back to Texas. Yet…towards the end I’m not sure what your message is? If you find a way to clear it up a bit, maybe ellaborate on your subject a bit.
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TheDisturbedOne reviewed Version 3 -
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Overall its nice… Just the lines are wayyyy to long, and kinda kill the poem’s idea..MY advice is break the lines, make it in stanzas and such..
Just an idea :)
-TDO
Deadsage reviewed Version 3 -
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I think there is something very profound in this piece, but it’s hard to decipher with your current wording.
It sounds like this poem is about a person’s search for their place in the world community, but all they keep finding is different short-sighted nations. A sort of vision outward from the inside of a power-struggle that one never wanted to be caught in.
I think you should consider formatting this differently, shortening the verses to create a rhythm. Decide whether this is an internal struggle or an external plea. The first sentence is noticeably missing the “I am…” or “We are” which later appears as “I am” with the questions at the end.
North, south, east, west… I was lost trying to follow your turns. “eastern star,” ... “southern state” ... “harmonious sounds coming from the west” Are you truly referencing historical events or personal moves? If so, maybe the directions are specific for a reason. I still found the device distracting even with the questions of “When did I miss the turn?” at the end.
fillerspv reviewed Version 3 -
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I really relate to the feeling in this poem. I read it a couple of times….
my favorite line and turning point in the poem for me was ; “Apparently loneliness was not enough reason to join forces with another southern state.” I believe many people lay in bed at night and wonder…. This poem was thought provoking, filled with wonderful description,and sadness. The last line says it all: “When did I miss the turn? What door was the prize behind? What window was left unlocked and unhampered? Will I ever find my way back? Is it too late, too difficult, dangerous even? ” This is well done. I would change possibly the first couple of lines as I was unsure what you were trying to say…. Not meant as a criticism exactly. I find myself drawn in faster when I understand exactly where the poem is going. But let that comment not take away from your work. I got it and liked it a lot.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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First stanza is too wordy
Needs comma after apparently.
Needs comma after veil.
With no weight, good and plenty seed but no estate, no bounty, not a single bronze metal piece. Again the questions linger, demanding to be asked, determined to be answered. Passive voice.
Needs comma after again.
Untamered is not a word.
Traveling that golden path to the place where angels dwell, reaching a single star repeatedly.
Camouflage gains easy entrance in to foreign lines crossed with fear and anticipation.
At some point, the eastern star, the capitol to be exact, a transitional stage stampeded upon the vows we made.
Apparently, loneliness was not enough reason to join forces with southern alliances.
That lone star yet again draws me near
I longed for the angels to sing sweet songs of hope, and glory.
I followed by ear to the harmonious sounds coming from the west.
It was just a test, for the lonely star could not rest without me in its bosom.
I reminisce on the pointed wooden shoe and how it clashed with the white veil, I wore with it.
Like Hitler’s stage, I feel the question is clear now, all the miles, traveled, souvenir cities encountered, exotic paths sojourned, the days, months, and four decades specifically.
With no weight, good and plenty seed but no estate, no bounty, not a single bronze metal piece.
Again, the questions linger, demanding to be asked, determined to be answered
.( I would take out “demanding to be asked and just say, determined to be answered.)
When did I miss the turn?
What door was the prize behind?
What window was left unlocked and untampered?
Will I ever find my way back?
Is it too late, too difficult, and dangerous even?
You tell a little love story here. Your words are potent and paint a picture of love, longing tinged with deep sadness. You just need to restructure. i tired to help the structure. I think Blueeyes or Lin could really help you here, okay. Above i have listed the things i found wrong in grammar. Good luck, Sandi
DresdenCarter reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey stranger,
You could definitely break up the stanzas and form more lines, with appropriate punctuation.
Go through it again and check for conventions: capitalization, misplaced modifiers, commas etc.
Love the imagery and the references: Like Hitler and Lonestar… very nice.
All in all, nicely done. It could be better.
Let me know how it goes.
:)
D.C
shadowedxrain reviewed Version 1 -
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The poem itself is good…the talent is there, you just need to scratch your way out to gain some notice before you can attract a wider audience.
First and foremost, there are elementary mistakes in spelling and grammar, and a little bit in punctuation. These things absolutely cripple your poem…once the errors are caught and taken care of, the poem will flow MUCH more smoothly. Have someone look over it to you, and revise, revise, revise.
The subject is lovely, and the poem inspires a nostalgic feel…very good. Keep trying!
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