Young Adult / Alex and Caitlin (chapter one)

Ive read several versions of this. I still don’t fully understand it. It’s the same problems and same issues just reworded. Fair enough if these issues were being reworded in a way that adds light and shade to the story itself, but it really doesn’t.

That said, I’ll get onto the problems of this:

1. Your first paragraph. As a whole just doesn’t work for me at all. I can’t speak for all of cutters, but I can definitely say that they don’t just cut for the hell of it. So, what do I think could make your story a little more interesting at this point? Adding something that reminds the cutter of why she is cutting. A) It doesn’t deter readers from reading [because cutting is the most exciting thing to read about] and B) it makes readers more interested because you’re giving us more facts. Have a certain situation that reminds the cutter of why she is cutting instead of jumping in all at once because you’ll overwhelm your readers. True?

2. “Why wasn’t it working anymore? Maybe I was doing it wrong..”—It doesn’t seem to be consistant. Cutters don’t think about cutting while they’re cutting they just do it. It’s an impulse thing. If it isn’t working, they’ll try new things to make it work but they certainly don’t sit there thinking about why it isn’t working. That makes no sense at all to me. sorry.

3. “I should have perfected my cutting technique..”—COnsistancy issues again. There is no perfect technique.

And might I just say, that your cutter doesn’t seem at all desperate. A lot, of cutters are. Self harm is an act of desperation for whatever reason. You need to clearly signify this in your piece if it is going to work.

4. “I sat there on the floor for at least an hour replaying in my head the event that had taken place”—that might be a good time to take us through the thought process instead of just skipping right along.

5. “Alex started speaking to me”—what good is stating this if we don’t know what she’s saying? Does it have any relevence to the situation? I think it might. Make something up if anything at all. I’d be a little sus if I saw my best friend sitting in my bathroom with a whole bunch of bandaids.

6. “I was cutting myself, with an exacto knife”—not wanting to sound repetitive, refer back to what I wrote about cutters and their relationships with other people. It’s the same problem. Cutters don’t just come out with it. It’s a little harder than that for most and you make it almost sound effortless. At least show that it is hard for Caitlin to talk about it by having Alex prod for information..

7. “I knew it was retard”—you could offend many groups of people with that pharase.

8. Question. Who are Matt, Reagan and Brendan? Okay, Brendan is supposed to be this dead boyfriend unless it’s another? In which case I’d make that more clear because it looks like he’s risen from the dead right now.

9. ”..order via Ms. Alexandria’s pool”—Ms? I think you mean miss. These kids are barely out of highschool.

You kinda lost me after about.. page.. 7. It was moving too quick for me to keep up and i easily lost interest with the addition of all these other characters who i didn’t really know. It’s a lot like being at a party and knowing no one. Your not going to have much fun there are you? Same deal here. I dont feel connected enough to these characters enough to care about them and that makes me want to skip right over their parts. Introduce them properly and this wont or at least shouldnt happen.

I tried to stay very still hoping I could suddenly turn invisible-best line of the whole story. Made the whole scene come alive. Was the part with her and Brenden a flash back? I got lost that quick second. Cutting is a common thing, but a lot of people dont write about it. You really did a good job with the reactions of all the characters. It just had the busted! feeling in this story that made in seem so real.

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November 08, 2008

by anonymous

Thank you! :]

November 08, 2008

by anonymous

Thank you! :]

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“It had been almost a year, and yet I couldn’t stop causing myself pain.”—Surely you can think of a better opening sentence than that. Honestly speaking, if i read a book with that kind of title whether it be childrens fiction, YA, or adult, I’d put it directly back on the shelf [or on the floor]. Almost a year since what? Don’t be afraid to tell us what, but if you want to leave things out you can do that too. It’s about figuring a way to give your readers enough information but not too much, or none at all.

“But if it helped me forget how could it be immoral?”—That question makes absolutely no sense.

After reading the first paragraph, I’m hoping this isn’t another adolecent self-harm story, be careful of looking cliche. That can turn readers off right away.

People don’t cut for the hell of it, or to substitute pain, they do it to regain self control.

“whacked at pieces of skin on my wrists”—good use of words, makes the character seem careless and desperate.

“I was very afraid of and early death by her..”—Spot the typos. You don’t really need to use ‘very’ in front of afraid, it doesn’t do it much justice and I’m pretty sure AND should be AN. Q. Why would someone self harm when it was so easy to get caught?

Either these two are incredibly close, or you don’t quite know the common characteristics shared among self harmers. Nine times out of ten they don’t want anyone to know about it. It seems out of character for Caitlin to be so publicly admitting this.

“It’s has only been a year. And a year wasn’t that long really.”—Why wasn’t this long enough?

thins = things

“now she was putting band-aids over the cuts, trying to cover this crime scene.”—Just doesn’t fit the profile of a cutter.

I suggest you take a lot and read the contents of this sites:

http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/index.php?id=447
http://www.selfharmony.co.uk/tellsomeone.htm

Information includes how to tell someone you self harm, and a parents guide on how to spot cutting.  If in doubt its always good to do research on your topic. Theres nothing worse than having unrealistic flaws throughout a story.

Fix these up and your story may look promising.

  ’didn’t seem to work, the depression, and loneliness still had a hold on me’
The second comma there is unnecessary. It reads with a pause there, which is a bit awkward.

  ’I was very afraid of and early death by her’
I wasn’t exactly sure what you were trying to say in this sentence…

  I liked your description of the can of worms not being a regular can of worms, but a big crazy one, that was well done.

  I think you’re doing well writing for the YA crowd, especially with your references to ‘Rob and Big’ and ‘Punked’. MTV generation and all.

  I’m assuming this isn’t the end of this piece? You should elaborate on her and Brenden’s relationship a bit more; as a reader I didn’t get a sense of the two together…maybe a flash back to when he was alive? And what killed him? But you do a good job displaying Caitlin’s feelings of desperation and sadness. Hope to see you finish it up.

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October 25, 2008

by fruityness12

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	25.0% (16 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
15	F	Arlington, TX	November 15

Thank you so much!

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There are a lot of a minor grammar, spelling, capitalization and punctuation errors. They look as though they’re things you just missed when typing fast. A quick read through should help you find them all… try reading out loud to find things you might miss when you read silently. Also you should start a new paragraph every time there is a new person speaking dialogue.

This story is told from the perspective of a 16 year old girl – you’ve done a good job with making the dialgue sound like that, but the narraration of the story is a little different. I know from the description of the piece that you’re under 18 – but really, to me, the narration outside the dialogue sounds like it was written by an older person trying to sound young. I’ll suggest trying to read it out loud again – do the words flow out of you comfortably? Are you speaking like normal? BECOME your character, come Caitlin; talk about yoruself (even things you aren’t going to write for the story); talk talk talk and write what comes out best.

You’ve written about a very sensitive subject, self mutilation… a lot of teenagers can relate to this. I don’t know who your intended audience is, but how this piece is as I just read it would seem to be good for a preteen to around 15 or 16 year old crowd. Me being a little bit older, if I just happened to pick up this novel at the library and read this first chapter as is, I don’t think I would like to continue – however, I think if I was still 15 I probably would want to. If your intended audience is younger teenagers than this piece is good for them.

I think this is a wonderful start – you obviously have talent for telling a story. Keep on writing!!

Unusual vocab for a 16 year old I think: “the company parley’s on the box” (and parley is a verb here, not a genitive). I could maybe see her thinking a difficult word, but can’t comprehend saving her tougher vocabulary when she’s with her friend, especially in a nerve-wracking situation.

Another read through would clear up a lot of spelling and grammatical errors such as:

“Alex broke the silen
ce with,”

and

“I all that I needed was just the band-aids”

I understand the narrator is young, but her references to Rob and Big, DC shoes, and even the word “bestie” can really alienate readers. Think about who you want your audience to be and add it to the notes. Because if the reader was much older than myself, she or he would have a hard time keeping up with a 16-year old girl’s thoughts.

It’s also weird how she would have to think about how long her boyfriend has been dead for. It seems for a moment she is really unsure, but if it created such a big impact, wouldn’t she be counting the days he’s been gone?

“via” seems to be used awkwardly here. I don’t believe you intend it to be a metaphor, but I believe that is how it is operating.

More errors (I can’t highlight them, but you should be able to find them in the quotes I provide you):

”’II don’t know. I guess I’ve tried to prolong…’”
”’...Caitlin your a big girl now’”

One more criticism: the dialogue between the two girls is a little flat; a suggestion could be to add more development between the two and flesh them out. Perhaps physical characteristics should be described.

Other than that, I like the plot so far and would love to read the rest.