Short Story / A Journey Through Darkness (Analysis)
As I begun my fourth week at the hospital, it was announced at a group therapy session that we would be taking a day trip put into the community by the end of the week. This was like icing on the cake as the reports that my doctor and all the therapists were stating was that my emotional health seemed to be on a upswing. I was feeling fairly optimistic in what seemed to be a long time, although deep down I had sense it was a combination of medication and my insurance running out.
After supper one evening, two colleagues of mine paid me visit. Although I had pleasant memories of interacting with my friends, this visit proved to be very awkward. As we strolled through the beautiful manicured lawn of the hospital, Ted spoke up first.
“SO like what do you do all day,” he inquired.
“I listen,listen,listen while everyone talks,” I half joked.
“How could you even spend one night here. This place totally creeps me out,”blurted Steve.
I knew in my heart that I could never go back to my firm and that these two would return to the office and let everyone know the supposed state I was in. I walked my friends to the front gate, bid them farewell, and turned to walk back to my room. As I made my way back I went past Stanley’s room on the floor beneath mine only to find his bedding had been stripped. I quickly dashed ti the nurses station to inquirer of his whereabouts, but was only to politely that information could only be shared with direct family. What information I asked and again my question was met with a courteous silence. I began to race through the hospital looking for my therapist. I knew in my heart she would provide answers to my questions, as she and I had developed a very trusting relationship. As I past one of the classrooms that was used for therapy session, I saw her leading one of her groups. I burst into the room and asked “Where’s Stanley?”
Carol,my therapist, took me back out into the hallway and looked straight into my eye and told me that Stanley had passed away earlier that morning. My heart sunk as I could feel a large abyss open up within my soul. The one person who had really touched me, had been vulnerable to share, and had actually shown emotion to me was no longer to be- I was devastated.
I stumbled down the hall and somehow made it to my room. In the darkness of my room, I put my face up against the cold concrete wall and began to cry. I started to slap the wall with my open hand. This process began to sting at first and then eventually hurt. How interesting I thought to myself, at least I could still feel pain as my heart felt like broken china. I slumped down to the floor of the room, curled up in a ball like shape, and fell asleep.
The sun shone brightly on Friday morning as six of us boarded the spanking new hospital van to travel into the city. As we were in the depths of the city, all the commotion seemed to compound my anxiety to fever pitch. There were honking horns, policemen’s whistles, street vendors hawking their wares. As we approached the heart of the city, I was beginning to have second thoughts about my attendance, but was very grateful Carol was present on this journey. For some reason, she represented some sort of safety net for me.
After parking the van, the plan was for us just to venture out and immerse ourselves into our culture. The first thing I that caught my eye was the attractive was the women were dressed. It had been so long since I was involved with sex, that it didn’t take much to attract my attention. As the group walked down the sidewalk, I could not help but stare at the short skirts, the nylon clad legs, and buxom blouses that seemed to surround me. As we continued to walk I thought to myself was this the love I was looking for. A cheap thrill that maybe lasted a night or was I searching for deeper love, the kind that stirred my soul, the kind I had shared with Stanley. We soon ducked into a small hamburger joint to order lunch. After placing my order, the middle-aged woman thanked me,gave me a warm smile,and told me to come back again. We finished our lunch and continued our journey throughout the city. Our next stop was a used book store near the north side of town. It was a wonderful musky smell of antique books that consumed us as we entered the store. I browsed for some time, before choosing a poetry book to purchase. I took the book up to the counter where a young lady handled my purchase with a gracious smile.
As night fell, we gathered up to make the return trip back to the hospital. With Carol driving, I sat in my seat staring out the window at the beautiful aftermath of a glowing sunset, I reminisced about the events of the day. It struck me that what I was truly looking for was the small gestures of love that people communicated to me. The warm smile, the touch of a hand, or simply a kind word of a love that had reached a soul.
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This has promise but it’s very rough. Spelling errors, grammatical errors and typos abound. I find myself saying this too often but, don’t use the word soul. You use it twice in this chapter. It’s a difficult word to use without sounding amateurish and maudlin. The basic story could be compelling but you need to explore new ways to phrase things. Stay away from clichés:
“In my heart”
“icing on the cake”
“cheap thrill”
I love aftermath of a sunset. Beware of too many adjectives, they weaken the good stuff. For instance: ..aftermath of the glowing sunset, or beautiful aftermath of the sunset. Even just aftermath of the sunset would suffice, but glowing is nice.
I get the feeling that you may not be used to rewriting your material. Forgive me if I’m wrong. If you polish and polish this and read GOOD writers and take note of what originality looks like, you will have a worthy piece here. Keep trying, you have the seed.
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So I guess there’s more to the story since this is chapter 3.
Well there were sentences that were really weird like these:
“but was only to politely that information could only be shared with direct family.”
should it be “but was told politely that that info….”
there were others like that.
and there was also the ran to the nurses station you had the to like this ti.
Well I’ll get off that stuff and tell you what I thought of it.
I liked it. I think I’ll understand it more if I read the begining of it first and see why he got into the hospital. It reminded me of a movie I saw awhile ago that had the same plot line , but I can’t remember the name.
Just go and read over it real quick and change those sentences.
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