Thanks, Em.
Flash Fiction / Vinnie's Breakfast with the Clients (Analysis)
Vinnie’s Café found it difficult to fit the sixty-seven men and women that came to have breakfast with me. Not only was the café tiny, but the dead smell rank in July weather.
When I arrived they were already dining on Eggs Benedict, maple bacon, and various freshly squeezed juices. I hadn’t even a chance to sit down to order coffee before one of the dead– a man who was missing his scalp – began the questions.
“Did you find someone to be our killer?” he said, with a hint of immediacy.
I ignored him, squeezed between two women with matching death blows, and settled into my usual booth.
I considered the tragedy: Sixty-seven men and women, all dead and without a killer.
“This is serious,” the bald corpse of a man said. “We need a killer. We’re lacking. We aren’t honorable. We aren’t satisfied. My eggs haven’t come yet. You’re our agent for Christ sake, do something!”
Betsy, the only waitress working mornings, was noticeably vexed. Ignoring the bald corpse, I turned to face her.
“Betsy, what’s got your pretty braids in a twist?” I said.
Her normally intense smile was absent: “What do you think, Henry? Look around this joint!”
I struggled to figure out what was wrong, and eventually she said: “We’re out of eggs, Henry! Out of eggs! Busiest day we’ve had in years—decades. Who’d have dreamed?”
I turned back to the bald corpse, one of my sixty-seven clients. Unfortunately I was pinned between the two women; he lay on the laps of three dead men sipping grape juice. “So?” said he.
“Alright, Alright” I began. “I’ve thought long and hard. I don’t think a serial killer is the way to go. And not Jet Li, either. I know you guys voted on that one -- your favorite, and a democracy is a democracy. But with Copyright laws in consideration -- how about a man named Wet Pi?”
The sixty-seven corpses gasped in unison: “How obscene!”
I glanced to the anxious Betsy. She was waiting to take my order: “Just morning coffee, Sugarberry. Black. ”
I turned back to the flabbergasted dead.
“Okay, how about Wet Pie then?” I defensively asked.
They gasped in unison: “How obscene!”
“Hell,” I muttered. A headache started to settle in my skull. The dead were difficult, as if they hadn’t all the time in the world to die.
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hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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with a hint of immediacy. I don’t know why but I thought how about with a hint of intimacy – like he is too close for comfort.
The dead had come to have breakfast with you, but they are already eating when you arrive. Could they not wait for you considering their desperate need for help, respect.
I love the overall atmosphere you create with the bustle of a busy cafe. I think they need a better agent – Wet Pi is obscene.
Another idea – a magical ever changing cafe, his regular place but with different tragedy’s for him to solve, so he never knows what to expect, like ground hog day with a twist.
Sorry I could not come up with any more suggestions. Love your uniqueness. Kudos.
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jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the idea of the main character being the agent to dead people, seems really original and you could definitely expand on that. The title suggests that the main character’s name is Vinnie, is that his restaurant? A bit confusing there.
I’m not sure that repeating the “How obscene” twice has any effect except making it all seem even more bizarre.
Typos:
for Christ sake – Christ’s
Alright, Alright – lowercase
If you make this a longer piece I’d be very interested in reading it, crazy and macabre is always a good combo.
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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well…i think that was well written but alittle odd at that. i really didn’t undertand it, is henry dead? are they all dead? i don’t really understand. maybe u can go bck and put more into the story. alittle bit more information about these people and where they are and why they are dead. hope this helps.
orangemilkcrate reviewed Version 1 -
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“Not only was the café tiny, but the dead smell rank in July weather.” this sentence didn’t work for me. the “not only” and “but” chunks just didn’t quite seem to go together, although i understand that you were showing “not only one negative, but another even more negative”. specifically “the dead smell rank” irked me, but that’s because i kept trying to read it as “the dead-smell rank” where rank was attempting to be the verb. that’s a bit more specific to me, though, i would suppose.
I turned back to the flabbergasted dead.
“Okay, how about Wet Pie then?” I defensively asked.
They gasped in unison: “How obscene!” I though this was sort of beating a dead horse. a huge smile slapped across my face with the wet pi line, but wet pie was certainly not as clever, and, like i said, seemed to be beating a dead horse. i think you were putting it in there to show that the dead were difficult, as said in the end, but maybe you could have him tossing different ideas around like titles or things like that, and let him give up on the serial killer point. if you do fill it out with just a bit more of back and forth between the dead and the narrator, the repetition of the “They gasped in unison: “How obscene!” line was great and would work even better, i think, if you had a little more back and forth and were able to repeat it one or three more times.
other than that, thoroughly impressed as always. i even read this one to a friend.
lu.
acdoyler reviewed Version 1 -
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‘When I arrived they were already dining on Eggs Benedict, maple bacon, and various freshly squeezed juices.’ if they came with him then how were they already dining? or are you referring to the regular customers?
‘a hint of immediacy’ is almost like saying ‘a touch of carnage’ or ‘a bit of rage’ ya know what i mean?
‘Sixty-seven men and women, all dead and without a killer.’ if they have ‘death blows’ then who did the blowing? err, hitting? i’m lost.
the story loses its logic (did it have logic to lose?) when the place is jam packed and the agent asks the lone waitress why she’s vexed. then she insinuates that it’s inexplicable that they would run out of eggs on the busiest day they’ve had in decades. that’s usually when you run out of eggs.
looking back maybe she’s saying ‘who’d have dreamed?’ over the amount of people, and not that they ran out of eggs. hrumph.
but, in the above passage, he asks her a question and she EVENTUALLY answers. so is she standing still contemplating for moments on end on the busiest day of the year? not likely.
a clever narrator comment to end it? questionable.
hope this helped. although i doubt it.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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Props for the humor. This is very funny. It fits the flash fiction for brief narrative but appears to be lacking the shocking twists found in other submissions.
We know from the beginning that the clients are dead. Maybe if the clues were not as obvious – here are a few ideas:
“Not only was the café tiny, but the dead smell rank in July weather.” – if you removed (dead)it would picque the reader’s interest.
“before one of the dead– a man who was missing his scalp” – again remove dead and instead of ‘missing his scalp’ intimate the visual with something like ‘a shockingly close shaved head. So close that I think I can see his thoughts!”
Now, once the question is asked “did you find someone to be our killer?” it begins to make the story much more interesting.
I hope this helps.
Cheersifyourepaying reviewed Version 1 -
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This bestows in me the same sort of charm that does something by Douglas Adams, which is always good. I’d suggest that you make it longer, but I’d rather see more bits like this. If length wouldn’t detract from it though, go for it.
That a man without a scalp could find anything obscene is hilarious.
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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This is awesome, not ridiculous. I love the idea of all of your characters clammoring for closure, it’s so original. Who would have thought of this, you are very creative. If you write more on this, please let me know when you post more. I didn’t find anything that I would change, by the way. It all works very well. I am saving you to my favs.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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It is incomplete. Where are you going with this?
The voice is good, the writing tight, but it needs an ending.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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What interests me most about this piece is that I feel I should get it but I don’t. Is it satire, Sci-Fi, horror – all of them? Concerning the writing it’s fine. The last word I think should be “wait”. Though you call it rediculous in your notes to reviewer I think it’s pretty solid and logical. Could be a bad dream. Could be a Twilight Zone about a has-been theatrical agent. Could be a fantastic take on the old detective noir only deeper and more psychotic. Keep the same title so we can follow the drafts if you go on to expand the idea.
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