Flash Fiction / Gavin

I really like it. You have a good start and i think that it could be developed into something more. You have develpoed your characters very nicely in th short page that you have so far. Nice Work!

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March 11, 2010

by l13dj13

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
105	75.5% (53 votes)	42.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	United Kingdom	March 15

thanks alot

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I feel like this was incomplete, despite it being flash fiction. Also, maybe this is my intrinsic old-world naturalist, but I was extremely put off by the excess of technology in the beginning and lack of poetry in your words. I don’t find the writing to be elegant or charming.

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February 24, 2010

by l13dj13

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
105	75.5% (53 votes)	42.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	United Kingdom	March 15

thanks to each his own.. just keep in mind i am a teen myself. sad but true that we dont have much poetry in our life nowadays. this isnt about poetry though, this is about growing up, beign young, and having crushes. Poetry is beautiful but it isnt everything.

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Finally, a light refreshing piece of flash fiction. I thought it was well-written, fun, and light.  It seems that for a brief moment the narrator thought she might be attracted to Gavin but realizes he will never change.  This seems to be the point of the story so I might suggest expanding on this part just a bit.  Other than that, great little story!

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February 24, 2010

by l13dj13

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
105	75.5% (53 votes)	42.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	United Kingdom	March 15

Im glad you enjoyed it.  i know that i can carry it on, but i dont know if i should, i liked the ending and i dont really want to expand on it. ive always liked to leave people guessing, its my writing style.

thanks for the honest review

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Well that was very predictable, but thats not the only problem. /you also need to add more detail mainly to how the characters look, interact, and the setting.

So do you want him? The reader gets the sense that you want each other. What speaks louder than a mouth full of dirt. I thought this was cute and i enjoyed it. It’s certianly no “Looking for Mr. Goodbar,” but it is a start. You express  yourself well and you managed to make time move, starting from when you and Gavin were gangly kids to lovely tanned swans. I am sure there is more for later. I like how you went from past to present in only a couple of pages, Some people never get out of the past in thirty pages. And you gave the readers an idea of who you all were as people without boring us to death. What the heck a 9 for that and a favorite. Good luck, Sandi

The voice of the main character is very strong and clear, which is an immediate plus.  It draws you in, though it wanes a little towards the end because of un-necessary extra description.  For the most part, I think problems arise with the punctuation and spacing.  Ex. ‘your knee’s in my’ (knee is, knee’s)
Much of what you have written could be in paragraph form.  When you write single lines, it adds emphasis.  In a large quantity, it can detract emphasis.  Keep it where you think it will have the most impact.  
‘I stretched out on my beach towel and turned up the volume on my iPod. Summer…at last. I heard my cell-phone beep. Reaching over to it, I saw I had one new text message.  
From Gavin.
Ugh, don’t even get me started…’
Additionally, I’d suggest ‘I turned my head just as a lump of grey ‘slime’ hit..’, to avoid the repetition of ‘left’.  
Simplifying a few parts to make the reading smoother, such as, ’”Gavin!” I bellowed, and jumped up.’, can add a feeling of immediacy to your writing.  
’..want me” he shouted, after I flipped him off.’ Saying ‘after me before I’ can be a bit confusing.  
Overall, I think this is really well written in terms of personality and tone.  It’s humorous, with a touch of foreshadowing about the coming interaction with Gavin, and I enjoyed it.    

Fun, entertaining, easy to relate to.  Who hasn’t been flirted with, or flirted with someone in this way?

Now to try and improve it:

There are plenty of places you could trim words if you wanted to make this piece more detailed, but not increase its overall size.  It’s light and fluffy right now, I suggest subtracting some fluff.

“Stretched out on my beach towel, I turned up my iPod.” -same sentence, less words.

“My phone beeped with a new text message.” -a slight change in style, but it’s more concise. It must be a loud beep since she just turned up her iPod.

”...the lake that my family owned” -I might be dense, but can anyone really own a lake?

“I was going to ignore every single thing Gavin said.” -what about the things he does?  ”I was going to completely ignore Gavin.” would cover both.

“Back to the text.” -I’d omit this.

“I jumped up and screamed again.
   “Gavin!!!” I bellowed.”
-she screamed again then bellowed?  Or did she jump and scream “Gavin!!!”?

Continuity problem: He fell on his face, got her knee in his side, and she sat on his stomach.  How’d he get flipped over?

I guess I thought the character was at the beach because of the beach towel, then when she grabbed a plant and stuffed it in Gavin’s mouth, I was confused.  You might want to set up the background a little more.  I was confused on that point.  Of course, people sit out in their back yards, on a beach towel, and they’re no where near a beach.  I’m just saying, it wasn’t obvious to me.

There isn’t a lot of detail here, but because it is a short piece I don’t know if you were going to give more detail, or if you are keeping it ambiguous for a reason.  

Lastly, Gavin gets a plant shoved into his mouth, but he seems to barely notice.  Wouldn’t you be furious if this happened to you?  A more honest reaction from Gavin would be anger, or at least protest.  

Depends on who you’re telling the story to and what time frame you want it to be told in. If, as is to be assumed, the person in question here is still a young woman, she might be inclined to convey this story to a contemporary – her best friend of a confidante of some sort, mayhap a journal.
As you have multiple events taking place, both simultaneously and sequentially, some distinguishable diversity in timing would make it more readable.

I stretch out on my beach towel, iPod at max volume.
“Summer at last.”
Feel the cell phone vibrating across the sand, reached over. New text.  
Gavin. Ugh…

(tense shift)

Don’t even get me started on Gavin. The first time his family rented a cottage (on the lake owned by my family) I was 7. Every year since, he’s made my life miserable. Every single summer, torture. Pranks. Practical jokes. Non-stop annoyance. But that wasn’t going to happen this year. I was going to ignore Gavin.

(””)

I push retrieve. Gavin’s text read… “Look left.”
What on earth? Look left?
I look left… just as a lump of grey “stuff” hits me straight on the nose.
“Gavin!” I bellow, suppressing a groan, and then scream when I realize what Gavin has thrown at me. “A toad!!” Gavin runs out from behind a bush. I jump up and scream again, “I am going to kill you!” …running after him. He turns around to gloat, smiling at me thumbing his nose, and gets just what he deserves when he loses his footing and falls flat on his face.

(And here the tense can shift back, should you so choose.)

When I caught up to him, he was just rolling over.
I thought, “There is a god,” as I pinned him down.  
“Ugh,” he groaned, “Your knees in my esophagus.”
When I looked down at Gavin though…? My mouth dropped open.
No longer was he a gawky little annoyance, but a tall handsome one.
Gavin saw me checking him out and grinned.
“That’s it,” I thought.
I pulled up some weeds, covered in dirt, and stuffed them in his mouth.
“Don’t mess with me Gavin,” I growled into his ear and walked away.
“You want me!” he howled, “You know you do!”
Gavin would never ever change. I flipped him off.

The difficulty with flash fiction is writing something short that can stand alone. This seems to be part of a longer piece. But don’t despair, it’s actually quite easy to improve this. You would simply have to make the ending punchier. Perhaps the protagonist finally comes out of her shell. She kind of does in this version, but there are ways you can make it stronger, such as leaving out the part where she feels attracted to him. The attraction thing is another direction you can take. However, by going in both directions, the overall effect of the ending is weakened. In order to be effective, flash fiction must be punchy. Hope this helps.

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November 23, 2009

by l13dj13

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
105	75.5% (53 votes)	42.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	United Kingdom	March 15

alot of people have told me this and i appreciate the help, but ill explain it to you too… i ment it that way… i want it to feel open and unended. i want the reader to feel like there should be more. more to be filled in with yourself. that way it means something different to everyone else.  ive tried ending it another way to please the critics but it just doesnt work well. she needs to suddenly be attracted to this infuriatingly annoying boy.  to me that is what its all about. growing up and growing out of childish fights and stuff.  thats just the way i feel about it… but thanks for the review

November 23, 2009

by CiannaSkye

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
192	89.6% (67 votes)	66.8%

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26	F	Kingston, IL	March 16

Maybe you could lost the last line to keep the focus on the girl? Also, perhaps you could make the attraction more sudden and emphasized.

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