Poetry / Essene (Analysis)

I can feel your passion in this poem… and great job hooking me at the first stanza!  You’ve really portrayed life as a series of decisions, which is what it really is.  The only suggestion I have is to rewrite the third stanza because I found it confusing.  What is the light you’re refering to?

Hope I helped!

Hello there,

I have read much in my day, mostly poetry for that is what my soul speaks. The day you stop posting here for all to read is the day I stop thinking, pure genius…

This is an interesting prose. I feel that its trying to convey the feelings of being intentionally confused and lied to.

This has the old timey feel and cadence of early English religious poetry (Prayer Living and Dying, Batter My Heart Three-Person God for Thee)and that’s not a bad thing.  The rhyme scheme is easy and true and the topic, though somewhat exhausted in English verse, is also handled well.  

However, some of the images and metaphors are mixed and not easily accessible.  for instance, in V1 we have voices and truth “evolved” by vision and choices “hidden” in decisions (isn’t choice and decsion the same thing?).  The final line has good usage of the word “lie” because it can be read as “found”, “included”, “reclined”, “deceived”, etc.

Lines 7&8 are troublesome though.  ”Can” as what?  Container?  Toilet? Ass? Ability? No matter how I read it, I can’t get to the connotation of wealth.  The metaphor of “hands to feed” in line 8 is also difficult.  It’s not that I think poetry should be easy, or manifestly clear, but mining these two lines mostly yeilds that the words were used because they rhyms.

But overall, it’s a pretty solid poem.  Good luck with it.

This is a very sound and sensible work.I enjoy the tone of contemplation. Interesting regard for the plight of man kind. Great job!

I feel the line “Fears will lie for peace of mind.” is a bit ambiguous to me, if  you could clarify it would be great.
When you get to “I’m placed in life to give this play,” if it means what I think you say you have no free will & yet earlier you talk of the ways the rich & poor both use their will, though not ‘freely’.
I like the poem, it is deep & inspiring, if my guiding light was tinted green so much more in store & seen, but my guide in colour wont hide, yet onward I fret towards what truth beget…
thanks for the good read

• add/view comments (1)

October 16, 2009

by FINALWORD

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
69	69.6% (46 votes)	45.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	M	Roseville, CA	November 20

Ok

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

First thing that struck me was that the poem rhymed yet wasn’t kitschy.  Kudos to the writer.

I absolutely love the first stanza.  The poet manages to capture this poignant emotion in just a few phrases.  It gives me a sense of anticipation.  I thought that this poem was going to be some kind of political statement, but it feels more like a exploration in morality.

“The rich are here to build their can,”  This line that felt off to me

also

I’m placed in life to give this play,
This stay determines what I’ll find.

Normally my idea of the perfect poem is one that captures a visceral image (or images) and holds it in time.  I like see, smell, hear, taste and touch things in my poetry.  

This poem does none of those things for me but instead leaves my ears ringing and gives me a feeling of triumph. It reads like a speech. I think it isn’t finished though.  It needs polishing and reworking. The first stanza rings like a bell and gives me chills It fell in place both rhythmically and emotionally.  I think until all the following stanzas do the same, the poem isn’t complete.