Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prologue (Analysis)

Silently, with no opposition the water flowed up and down the beach. The moonlight glistened off the water, and reflected off the young man’s black armor. He reached down and softly grabbed at the sand. It slowly sifted between his fingers. This place was familiar to him, it was home.
The young girl reached for his hand as she approached him. He cupped her hand in his own. She flinched at the ice cold feeling of his palm. She stood next to him silent, scared, but hopeful.

   “I love you Br…” She stopped herself, his name was something special. So fragile that if broken it destroyed him. Those that said it carelessly were without respect. It meant something that is why. She couldn’t remember what it was, she had been told once. It was something divine, something holy.
   “It’s okay. I trust you with my name.”
   “I love you Brent, I have missed you.”
   He turned towards her and kissed her forehead, “I love you too.”
   She looked at him with hope in her eye, “Is this the end? Are you done? Did you finish it? Can we go home now?”
   “No, my battles will never end.”
   “Don’t say that, it scares me. I want to be with you again, without any distractions.”
   “I know, trust me, it will be fine.”
   “I guess I owe you that. If you tell me we will live through this, I will believe you.”
   “We will live.”
   “Together?
   “Maybe,” He paused and continued, “I have to figure that out.”

She slowly started crying. He noticed nothing at first, but then heard her sniffle. He reached down and wiped away her tears with his thumb.
“Hold me close, one last time.” She said.
He grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her. She cried for hours and listened to his silent response.

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Reviews

August 12, 2008

Fazzerelli

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
73	80.0% (20 votes)	20.0%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
45	M	Czech Republic	October 08

Fazzerelli reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I’d change the first line to: ‘Silently and with no opposition the water flowed…’
To softly grab seems like a contradiction, I’d change one or the other.
Shorten this sentence, further expalnation isn’t necessary: ‘It meant something.’
Add a linking word to read smoother: ’...what it was, although she had been…’
Does she have one eye or is that a typo?

It’s quite nice and briefly introduces the characters, but it’s very short and not really dramatic enough for a prologue to really grab the reader (and encourage them to read the next few boring chapters!) If you think the next part is boring, it’s a very bad sign! Make it less so. This seems what it is – an addition to soften the blow of boredom to come for the reader. Saying that, I do have some unanswered questions. The most important question is: Am I motivated enough to find out the answers? My ratings reflect the fact that there isn’t enough here to say.