Novel Treatments / Seasons:1 - Quarrels and Warnings

Summer Chapter One
Spring Chapter One

Quarrels and Warnings

Lucifer stood with his head against the arched concrete window in his room. The barren waste that he ruled over was indeed, quite an eyesore even he was beginning to frown upon.  A sea of red sand, cracked dirt, and volcanic ash covered the ground everywhere outside of his castle and city. Endless volcanoes riddled the horizon like mountains in all directions except south, and a never dimming fiery sky kept it bright always.  A knock echoed through the giant chamber. Lucifer pulled away from the window quickly and began walking to his throne. His shoulder length, jet black hair laid on top of his same colored cape which enveloped most of his body, save his large arms and wings. His wings were not that of feathers, but of calloused skin, and spanned a time and a half longer than that of a griffin, and his skin was not red as one would imagine, but of olive complexion. One single, white, diamond shaped jewel penetrated his forehead and was outlined in black. By human standards: he was drop dead gorgeous. The “Dark Prince”, as the other seasons had dubbed him, knew not of his mind. They knew only of his ruthlessness in defending his homeland. He raised his hand and aimed it at the huge wooden door. The wooden barrier moved open at a steady pace until it was open enough for an elephant to fit through, yet there was only a single man, also clad in black, standing there. He walked swiftly yet easily, almost as if he were hovering towards the prince. The vampire kneeled before Lucifer. “Your highness,” he said.  “Baal is here to speak with you.” he continued as he stood back up. “Fetch him our finest spare room in the castle and tell him we’ll talk over dinner. Also, send him five of our most lustful demon maids. Thank you, Dracula.” said Lucifer. “Thy bidding is my pleasure.” Dracula said through smiling fangs. He did a quick bow and hovered out of the room.

        Lucifer raised his hand at the gigantic doors again and they eased shut. He sank down into his throne and sighed. “Dark Prince…” he whimpered to himself. He was beginning to hate the very blood that ran through his veins. His two brothers always used the rules of their religion against him. ‘If two out of three rulers agree on something, all three of the rulers must carry the motion out.’ Not only would they use their religion’s rules against him, they also threw the past in his face to spite his newer attitudes, mainly how he brought a third of heaven down to earth in spite of God. He had been in favor of his newer lord, the Overseer, for eons. Only over the past few centuries had he began to rethink his course of action, and those thoughts moved his brother Baal in his place. However, everyone still feared Lucifer as the worst of the three.

        He got up from his throne and headed back towards the window, placed his head against the stone again, and stared off into the horizon.

        Hours later a knock sounded on the door once more. The doors opened and Dracula floated back to where he had previously been. “The feast is ready, sire.” he said. Lucifer stood up from his throne and stretched, his arms reaching ten feet high and his wings spread out twenty feet long.  After returning to his normal posture, he bade Dracula to escort him to the royal dining chamber.

        Upon reaching the massive dining room doors, Lucifer raised his hand and they began spreading for his entrance. When they cracked an inch apart, the wood walls slammed shut with an echoing boom. “Hmph!” Lucifer expelled.  He raised both of his hands, faced his palms at the door, and spread his fingers apart. When he spread his extremities, the two gigantic doors flew open and slammed against the walls they were connected to. Lucifer strode forward with a steady, strong, and determined pace.  He kept one hand raised as he walked toward his wickedly smiling brother sitting at the other end of a long table. Baal was very similar to Lucifer when it came to looks. He too, was beautiful, but had blonde hair and a blue jewel outlined in black penetrating his forehead. Lucifer brought his hand in and pointed two fingers at Baal. Baal shot out of his seat and slid across the floor. As he was sliding, he tucked into a roll and was back on his feet. He took a few running steps and spread his wings. He jumped into the air and flapped his extensions once before tucking them back in and dive-bombing at Lucifer. By the time Baal had completely tucked his wings back, Lucifer was already above him, and as he watched Baal’s back go past him, he shoved a powerful punch into his brother’s spine that sent the demon-lord belly first into the ground. Following closely behind, Lucifer landed on top of him and set his hand a foot away from Baal’s head. “Nilarr!” Lucifer yelled. The room darkened and the temperature rose. A second later, fire in the shape of an arrow sped from the Dark Prince’s hand and slammed into the back of Baal’s head.

        “Every time I will better you.” Lucifer told. “With your deeds recently, that fact shall soon sway. You know why I’m here.” said Baal.  Lucifer got off of his back and pulled him to his feet. “You have been sinning less and less, Lucifer. The Overseer is not pleased with your motives as of recent,” Baal explained, almost wearily. “What do I care? We created the Overseer. Why should I fear him?” Lucifer asked. “You know why, Lucifer! Don’t act stupid! You know that when we created him we were bound to the rules we laid! You made that specific rule to keep your brother and me in check, and it’s beginning to be your undoing! Two of the three rulers have agreed on something already, so whether you agree or not doesn’t matter, especially because of the cause.”

        Lucifer flinched and turned his back to Baal. “Due to your lack of sins, we must make living sacrifices.” Baal told Lucifer. “Then I will gather however many demon citizens it takes.” said the Dark Prince. “No, my dear Lucifer, that won’t do this time. The Overseer wants innocent sacrifices. Which brings me back to what I was saying earlier: we are going to war, Dark Prince.” Baal said, saying his name sarcastically. “Gather your army. We are attacking Spring. So I suggest—” he was finishing, but before he could complete the sentence a large fist pounded into his face and sent him flying into the concrete wall. The impact knocked the concrete right out and Baal went sprawling into the air on side of the keep. A giant hole had been knocked out of the side of Lucifer’s castle on what appeared to be the fiftieth floor. Lucifer shot out and into the air, flapping his wings twice before ramming his shoulder into Baal’s chest. Baal quickly recovered and flapped once to gain a decent distance. “How dare you!” Baal screamed, and his blue jewel began glowing brightly. As soon as the evil brother spread his wings to begin his assault, two black cords wrapped around both of his arms. Following the bounds back to where they had came from, two demon-mages dressed in exotic robe hovered a few yards away, their arms extended and the tethers fabricating from their palms.

        “Save your strength, master, war is at hand. You need to preserve yourself,” one of the mages said. His gem returning to its previous state, Baal eased and shot a wicked smile at Lucifer before letting himself descend towards one of the balconies somewhere around the thirtieth floor. The mages mumbled something in harmony and the ropes disintegrated. Using their levitation spell, they followed Baal at a slower pace.

        Lucifer turned around and looked at the volcano top that his city sat next to. A few seconds later, within a few slow flaps of his wings, he entered back into his dining room via the large hole. There Dracula stood with solid straight features. “Please have this fixed, Dracula.” The Dark Prince said. “Goblins are already on their way up. They’ll be done by tomorrow,” the vampire replied before Lucifer had even finished saying the “a” on his name. “Thank you. I… I’m heading to my personal chamber. I will let you know when I arise,” Lucifer stuttered, walking through the giant doors he had opened. He walked up a spiral staircase into a large, pentagonal, darkened room with candles everywhere and not a window in sight. A giant bed sat in the middle of the starish shaped bedroom, which is where the Dark Prince headed. He sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, before a voice startled him. “You’re changing, and you know everyone knows,” the voice said. Lucifer turned around to find Tyio, one of the demon-maids, standing on the opposite side of the bed, naked. “What are—” Lucifer started before the maid shushed him. “Lay down. Let us help you relax,” she said, exercising her wings as two more unclothed she-demons came from behind the door, closing it as they walked towards the bed. Lucifer laid on his back and sighed.

        When he woke, he was in solace, and he took a while to lay and think. He was being forced into a war he did not want to fight. ‘There has to be something I can do,’ Lucifer thought, and he laid thinking for several hours.

In the sixth hour of his pondering, an idea struck through his mind like an arrow through wet paper. ‘I’ll go warn them, that way not all life is forfeit!’ he thought, almost yelling out loud. He ran out of the room, down the spiral staircase, and started for the large doors. He skidded to a stop and thought for a second, then turned to the window and jumped out. He spread his rough skin and soared around before diving at a window a few stories below. He flew into the archway and landed on the ground, startling a demon-maid. The Dark Prince continued on like nothing happened, and ran a few doors down before swinging it wide open without a knock. Dracula was already facing the door when Lucifer entered. “Dracula!” he exclaimed. “Watch over the castle for a day, I’m departing for tonight on war business.” he finished. He looked over on Dracula’s desk and saw a small pack. While grabbing for it, he added, “I’m borrowing this, I’ll return it tomorrow.” Before Dracula could get a word in, Lucifer had already closed the door and made his way to a spiral staircase heading upward.

After reaching the dining chamber, he busted into the room, grabbed a few fruits and bread and ran at the window once again. A moment later he was airborne, soaring towards the Season ‘Spring’.

Hours later, Lucifer set his foot on grass. It had been a long time since he had traveled over this way, and he smiled at the green that pleased his eyes and the wind that shuffled his clothes, made his cape flap like a flag, and danced across his olive skin. The red to his back, life at his front, a blue sky lightly spotted with puffy white clouds, and a horizon of forest in the distance made him feel at peace. He spotted one of the large wooden watchtowers, and changed his direction towards it. ‘I need to be careful. I need to exercise extreme caution doing this.’ he thought, as he quickened his stride. When he got close enough to make out the two guards on watch, a human in gray and a halfling in dark blue, he began to shout, “I come to warn you of war!” Lucifer started, but when his voice stopped he heard the two screaming, “The Dark Prince! The Dark Prince! Set off the beacon!” “No!” the demon-lord yelled. He ran and flapped his wings to dive at the watchtower. Upon reaching the base of the lookout post, he kicked one of the legs with an unrivaled force. Knocking one of the supports out, Lucifer artfully dodged away while the tower crumbled quickly, spewing dirt into the air. When the dust settled some a few moments later, the halfling crawled out of the wreckage. Scratched and scraped, he looked at his hand which was covered in blood. He took a breath to start a scream, but quickly realized he was only nicked. When he looked down by his left foot, he saw his human friend crushed by the tower.

Lucifer stepped forward and the halfling’s eyes darted to him. “War is coming. Relay the message to your towns.” Lucifer said, then turned and walked into the forest. The halfling stood there for a moment, shaking, not knowing what to make of everything. A good while later, he turned and started off towards the next watchtower.

Baal burst into the throne room and the hall darkened except for a few feet around him. When he noticed Lucifer’s absence, he lowered his arms to his side and let the arcane energy go. He peered around for a moment to make sure his brother wasn’t about to juke him. “Master is not here. He is out of the castle.” Dracula said from behind Baal. The demon spun around and faced the undetected vampire, who seemed to hover closer through the giant doors. “On what b—” he started before Dracula cut in, “On war business. Now if you would, please leave this chamber while Master Lucifer isn’t here.” Baal grunted, and the room started to darken once again. “I would rethink your course of action, Master Baal. Reason, please, before you do something… stupid.” Dracula beamed with white, solid features. The hall lightened once again before growing thick with darkness. Baal curled his fingers, started to slowly raise his arms from his sides in an arch, and his gem began glowing. “Mirror!” Dracula yelled, his voice sounding as if it came from a chorus. Seven silhouettes appeared, forming a circle around the demon, with Dracula as the eighth link. Baal’s eyes turned solid white, and electricity started jumping between his individual fingers and forearms. “Image!” Dracula yelled in his spell voice. The silhouettes filled out in exact replicas of Dracula. “Do not test me demon, for I am not the pushover you think me to be!” the vampire and his replicas shouted simultaneously. Baal’s eyes shot back to their normal color and darted around, but the room stayed darkened and the electricity still shot from finger to finger. After realizing he had been out strategized, he lowered his arms and released the arcane power. To those who lived in Spring or Fall, one would’ve thought it to have been night turning day when the darkness lifted. “Leave.” Dracula said once more. Baal smirked, and walked out of the room. The vampire let out a sigh of relief, knowing his illusions had saved him from a grim fate.

Lucifer was walking through the forest when he heard the all-too-familiar sound of fighting. He ran lightly, and when he reached edge of the clearing the sounds were coming from, he saw a Wood Walker for the first time in centuries.

When a mage cast the ancient spell, a nearby tree forfeits its life to benefit him. Arcane strips the tree into the necessary, strong, slender pieces of wood. The walker stands two and a half times taller than a human, but is only a half time wider than one, and instead of having hands, the wood is sharpened to a deadly point at the end.  Atop the shoulders is a small platform for the mage to stand and command his natural creation.

Along with the human mage and his Wood Walker, there was an armor clad knight, a human archer, and a human cleric. ‘All humans… they will have the same reaction as the others.’ Lucifer thought to himself. Then he realized what they had been fighting. Two tall ogres with clubs half the size of the fighter antagonized the heroes. One of the ogres was strapped to the ground by vines that seemed to sprout from nowhere, the other swinging away at the walker. The archer was shooting arrow after arrow at the entangled monster with the fighter standing next to him. The projectiles only seemed to stun the ogre before making it even more enraged. The mage made his walker step back and barely dodge the swing of a club. Its wooden arm thrust forward and penetrated through the ogre’s left bicep, coming out the other side. A horrific scream let out. The ogre swung wildly, bashing into the center of the walker, tearing it from its mold and sending the mage to the ground with a bounce. The rest of the pieces of the walker lay scattered across the clearing. The cleric ran to the spell-caster and dragged him to a side of the battleground and began casting healing spells on him. The fighter, paying heed to the free ogre who had a long pointed shaft stuck through his arm, readied himself for the attack. Then the entangled ogre broke free from his bonds and made his way towards its kin. “Oh, no!” the ranger cried. The monsters both stalked towards the remaining fighting heroes. Lucifer set into motion.

He ran out into the clearing, stopping between the heroes and the monsters. He raised his arms and the sky darkened. His white gem turned black as if it had been filled with smoke. The wind started blowing like a tornado was coming, and the monsters looked and grunted at each other in confusion. Lucifer spread his wings. “Th- th- the Dark Prince!” the fighter stuttered, stumbling backwards. “Ssrayas Pax Valiot!” the demon yelled, and he jumped into the air, flying in between the two ogres. He stopped and hovered for a moment, then placed his hands on the ogres’ heads. He let out a yell that sounded like a thousand voices. The monsters showed fear in their features before they contorted. A white blast shot across the ogres’ shoulders and left them headless, their bodies standing for a moment before collapsing.

The wind stopped and the normal daytime brightness returned, the small amount of dust settled, the magnolia and oak trees returned to their straight stance as if nothing happened, but the wilderness dared not to let out one chirp. Lucifer hovered back to the ground. He turned around to face the heroes, only to find the archer with a cocked arrow, the fighter in stance, the mage prepared to cast, and the cleric, whose face was shrouded, behind them all. “I do not wish to fight.” Lucifer told. “It’s a trick! He’s trying to trick us!” the archer yelled. “No! Go and warn your people of war. Summer attacks soon.” the demon ordered. “If we don’t attack first, he will! Attack him!” the mage yelled, ignoring the warning. The archer shot an arrow at the Dark Prince. When it reached his face, Lucifer caught the arrow easily and tossed it to the ground. He raised his hand to the heroes and spread his fingers and a gust of wind knocked the heroes down. “Warn them of war.” he commanded once again, before walking out of the clearing the way he came.

“This is an omen.” the mage proclaimed. “We have no choice but to return home and repeat this news.” he finished. A breeze waft by and caressed the sweating heroes, carrying an awry silence. The heroes got back up to their feet. “We depart in the morning. We need rest, especially after this.” the fighter said. They began setting up camp.

“Sir Dracula! I figured you’d magically appear sooner or later.” Baal sarcastically huffed, his words echoing off the dining room walls. He sat forward in his chair and grabbed a plum and a few grapes off the table. Dracula’s features were more stone cold than ever before, and slight red tint of the light coming from the windows didn’t help him look any less scary. “My brother has been gone for almost eighteen hours on war business now. A little exaggerative, don’t you suppose?” He finished between bites and swallows. He grabbed an apple and tossed it at one of the goblins fixing the wall, the fruit hitting its head. “I know not of where he went, only that he is gone and said he’ll return sometime within the next few hours.” Dracula retorted. The demon-lord stopped chewing and looked up at the vampire in a mockingly awe. He swallowed, then said, “Is that any way to treat a guest?” As he was letting out an evil laugh, the doors swung open and Baal’s lackeys swiftly paced to his chair.

“Sire, all save two of Spring’s beacons are lit.” one of the demon-mages told. “What?!” Baal screamed, knocking his chair over as he stood up. “We were supposed to take them by surprise!” He slammed his fist on the table. The room hushed for a moment while Baal analyzed the situation. “Lucifer.” he whispered to himself. His eyes widened and he looked at Dracula and pointed. “You! Where is Lucifer!?” he yelled. “I told you, I do not know. He told me nothing.” Dracula said calmly. “Liar! He went to warn them, didn’t he?!” Baal screamed. The room began its usual darkening, but this time the vampire was quicker to respond. “Spirits of the undead, I summon you in the form of skeletons to aid Me.” Dracula said in his chorus-like spell voice. The doors behind him opened and seven skeletons wielding scimitars and bucklers ran into the room. “Thank you spirits, now attack my enemies!” he ordered, and the skeletons split down the sides of the table, one running across the top. Baal’s eyes had completely whitened at this time, his gem already glowing brightly. The two demon mages mumbled a few words and shot three magic missiles a piece, their first two killing one of the skeletons on each side of the table and the second hurting the one behind the fallen spirit, leaving five left. The room grew even darker as Dracula began casting again. The lackeys brandished short swords just in time to block swings from their undead adversaries, all in symmetry. Swords clanged two or three times, and just as the second skeletons were preparing to hack into the demon-mages, Baal let out a yell that had a thousand screams within. A burst of arcane shot through the room like a gust of wind, his lackeys being thrown against the wall and the skeletons and their weapons turned to dust. The demon-lord pulled his arm back over his head and faced his palm to the chandelier and the ceiling. Fire ran up his forearm and into the air above his hand in the shape of a ball and grew until it became as large as a boulder. He pulled back even further, holding for a second before shooting his arm forward, tossing the enormous fireball.

“Stasis!” Dracula yelled as Baal’s arm was shooting the flame. A white globe dropped over the blonde headed demon and his magic shot before it even got three inches away from his fingertips. The room relit.

Dracula breathed another sigh of relief while the demon-mages staggered back to their feet. They stared at the ball in disbelief. “He is in a stasis… another plane of existence, if you will. Do not worry, in a few hours he shall return, though thankfully his fireball will continue on in that plane.” the vampire said. The mages looked at each other, then a moment later locked their eyes on Dracula and began mumbling.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, unless you’d like to join your master.” he said almost laughing, trying to hide the fact that he almost passed out as he took a seat at the table. The mages looked at one another again, then walked on opposing sides of the table and sat down, the large white globe sparking occasionally on their right. Once again Dracula’s words had saved him from death. Fatigue had set in hard for the vampire.

Two hours later Lucifer walked into his dining chamber only to see a giant white ball blocking the view of his table. He stared at it in confusion for a minute before stepping to the side and seeing Dracula almost sleeping in his chair and the two demon-mages looking up at him. After glancing back and fourth between the spell casters and Dracula a few times, the Dark Prince told the mages to return to their rooms, then headed over to Dracula. After watching the demons leave he turned to the vampire and asked, “What happened?” Dracula lifted his head slightly slower than usual and said, “They think you warned Spring of the war.” He breathed for a few seconds before continuing. “Baal started to attack me, so I summoned a diversion then used the rest of my energy to p—” he stopped to cough a few times. “to put him in a stasis. He’ll be out in about two or three hours.” he finished. “Thank you so very much Dracula. Return to your quarters and rest.” said Lucifer. Dracula took a moment before standing up.

On his way out, he turned around. “Did you actually warn Spring?” he asked. The Dark Prince took a sharp breath in, and said nothing. Taking in the gesture of silence, Dracula stood for a moment and changed his gaze to the floor. Still staring at the tiles, the vampire asked, “Are you trying to make up for pulling the angels down?” Lucifer sat down and leaned on the table, putting his mouth and nose in the cup of his hands. A few more moments passed and Dracula began heading for the door once again. When he laid his hands on the long door handle, Lucifer said with a shout just under a yell, “I will never be forgiven nor be able to reverse the blasphemy I’ve done, but I can still try to help those who don’t deserve the fate that was coming to them, can I not?” The vampire’s head dropped, but rose quickly after, his hand still on the bar. “I am with you until the end, sire.” he said, then pulling the door ajar and making his exit.

Lucifer didn’t move for an hour, his face staying in his hands and occasionally a bead of water dropping to the table. Millions of thoughts ran through his head, none of them good. His trance was broken only once by the two goblins that were repairing the wall. After they exited the chamber, his face fell straight back to its previous place and another hour went by.

“You!” a yell let out, scaring Lucifer out of his daze. Baal walked with a strong quick pace towards the Dark Prince. “You warned Spring of the attack, didn’t you?!” he yelled, grabbing the Dark Prince by his throat and slamming him against the wall. “Now this won’t be easy because of your foolishness! The Overseer shall definitely favor me when I return home! Then on the battlefield, I might accidentally chop your head off! Hah! Dark Prince…” Baal said. He spit in Lucifer’s face, then turned and left the hall. The demon-lord wiped the saliva from his face and walked to his throne room. He strode to his favorite window and rest his head in its usual spot. Looking over the town, he questioned if what he did was the right thing. A few minutes later he saw three dots sailing towards the mountains. He stared out into the red horizon. He hated the eyesore with a passion.

The room was loud with chatter when the swordsman pulled his plate mail helmet off to reveal his shoulder length, dark brown hair and goatee, right along with a large scar starting from the middle of his neck going down into his armor. The log building they were in was a one story hall with a table running across the middle that could seat about fifty people, though only twenty-one were being used. Lanterns hung from the ceiling and lined the walls to illuminate the cabin very well, and scattered windows showed only the black of the night, except for the rain diving against its glass. He set his helm on the table and looked over to a man dressed in a gold robe who had a wooden staff strapped to his back. The man pulled his robe hood down and tugged his long, graying hair out and over the headpiece. A female robed in a white tunic put her hand on the shoulder of the short, brown haired archer, whose hands followed the seams of his pockets. “You… you tell them, Trace.” the knight said to the mage, softly speaking over the loud council. Trace stepped forward, his eyes locked on the mayor sitting across the room and ignoring the rest of them. He pulled his golden robe away from his hands then grabbed his staff off his back. “We have witnessed an omen.” he said. When his staff touched the ground, the sound seemed to echo and not even the rain dared to make a sound the room was so hushed, and he leaned most of his weight upon the stick. All the eyes of the council shift to the mage, and the heroes stared back with fear. “My band and I were on our way to Ionia for the Annual, when we crossed paths with two unmerciful ogres.” began Trace. “You gathered us all here to tell us of ogres? We all know there are ogres on the way to Ionia. This is no omen!” one of the council members interjected, and the room grew loud again, but Trace paid him no heed, and when the council members finished, he started again, always keeping his eyes on the mayor. “The two ogres fought hard, yet we stood our ground valiantly. When the tables turned and our backs were pressed and death or cowardice were the only last options, we were saved and doomed all at once. A black cloak rushed onto the battlefield, and wings spread almost large enough to block the ogres from our sight, and the beasts stopped in their tracks, and the day went from noon to dusk in a mere second.” The room was silent again except for the mages footsteps as he walked back and forth, using his hands to emphasize his story. The focus of the council and even the spell-caster’s band were heavily on him. Trace paused for a minute, letting the weight of the silence build. “The winged creature jumped into the hair, and within a second blast the ogres heads off as if they were a tenth of the size they actually were. When his feet were grounded and he turned around, our questions were answered as to who it was. A handsome man indeed, with a white jewel in his forehead stared back at us. He spoke few words to us, yet those words struck deep. He spoke, ‘Warn your people of war, for Summer attacks soon.’” Trace finished. The room gasped. “So it is true. The Dark Prince has been spotted.” the mayor said to himself. “Others have seen him?!” the archer asked stepping forward. “Yes, Reln, one other town has reported a spotting. Supposedly the Dark Prince attacked a lookout post on the Summer border, killing one of the watches and sending the other with news of war. We thought it just to be rumors, but with the beacons lit and now news of this…” the mayor’s speech traveled off and his head fell into his hands.

A moment later, a member of the council stood up. “What if they want sacrifices? What if they are trying to get as many sacrifices as they can?” he asked. A series of ‘yeah’s’ and ‘he’s right’s’ followed afterwards. When the commotion settled down, Trace stepped forward again and said, “But if we do not fight, all life is forfeit.” and the room silenced for a fourth time. The mayor picked his head up and looked around, only to see all the council looking to him for an answer. He breathed deep and thought for a moment, then turned to the heroes. “Thank you, adventurers, for this piece of information, though I do regret to ask you to leave, this is council business.” he told. “We understand completely, mayor,” Trace said. “But please do tell us the discussion tomorrow.” he bade. “We’ll see…” the mayor quickly shot back. Almost offended, Trace nodded his head and turned to his friends. “Where now, Feld?” Reln asked the swordsman, who was putting his helm back on his head. “The inn, wherever it may be.” he replied, and he walked out the door. The other heroes glanced at each other, then dawned their cloak hoods and followed him out.

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oneshot92 avatar General Stranger

September 05, 2008

oneshot92 Prolific-icon-medium

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oneshot92 reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item
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andersda avatar General Stranger

August 16, 2008

andersda

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andersda reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

This is great fun. There are a few little things I noticed on the read-through. All the best.
Dave

“Hmph!” Lucifer expelled. Conventional dialog format would have this start a new sentence.  
“keep your brother and me in check” wouldn;t his brother also be Baal’s brother?
“the tethers fabricating from their palms” don;t you mean extending?
“You need to preserve yourself” thisis repetitive and can be deleted.
As moronic as this sounds, I question your use of goblins in the story. It could just be me, but I associate them more with terestrial events.
“his direction towards it” there’s nothing wrong with this, it just bugs me. Suggest walking towards it.
“about to juke him” I looked this up in the urban dictiuonary and amongst other things it means to masterbate. Unless that is your intent, you might want to change this.
“plane of existence, if you will.” delete  if you will.
“plate mail helmet” there is plate armor, make from steel plate, and mail hauberks or jackets. Mail was not ordinarily used to protect the neck because plate is better at deflecting the force of the blow. Being sheaper than plate, I guess somewhere they must have used it though
“illuminate the cabin very well,” delete very well

Aten2727 avatar General Stranger

August 13, 2008

Aten2727

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Aten2727 reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

Wow, I really enjoyed this story.  You have a way describing things that takes me right there.  Very good job.  The characters in your story are well thought and very rounded.  I like the idea of the story with Lucifer being mortal and Baal and all his personality traits as well.  And you make excellent use of Dracula in this story.  You have really thought of everything and I think you should definitely keep writing away with this story.  I am not into the fantasy/horror genre but I think you’ve done a great job here with the action and characters.  

One of the things I’ve noticed are that you use a period at the end of the character’s dialogue and you should be using a comma.  

Other than that, keep up the good work!

Charley_Groth avatar Random Review

August 12, 2008

Charley_Groth Prolific-icon-medium

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Charley_Groth reviewed Version 3 - Read 100% of the Item

I think this a very visual and was taken to another world completely.  Though I like how things are more “mortal”, like Lucifer has to take food with him, nice attention detail.  Easy to read, good story that you should keep working on..  You have thought out many of the aspects including who the hero is and his personality is well formed..  I’d like to see more of a mental struggle within Lucifer who is suddenly chilling out after all of these years.  The story is great, I’m just a little new to fantasy type stuff so it’s hard to  get into all of the action.  But I was into it.  I thought you handled the action with a believable tone.  Some of the wording didn’t fit with the tone like “knocked the concrete right out.”  And “dive-bombed.”
It does keep me reading with clear description and action, but I think I needed more internal plot development.  Are there political metaphors in here?

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hey_sean

Age: 21
Loc: Hattiesburg, MS
Gen: M
Last Login: April 25
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4 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago

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Version 3
Version 2 (Deleted) Version 1 (Deleted)
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