thanks for your comments- actually i was going for small town california- guess if it works, it works:)
Flash Fiction / THE BIRDS FELL OUTTA THE SKY
THE BIRDS FELL OUTTA THE SKY
Well, to answer your first question, I been here I guess seven, eight years. The first year we moved in here was all right. I was looking for carpentry work, and well- just then the housing market caved in and we had no more money, so we just stayed put. Real put- like stuck in the mud. The truck’s axel broke. I had two flat tires and broke my nose when the damn tire iron stuck. I leaned on it real good. It gave out and smacked me right in the nose. See here? Got that bump from that tire iron. Yeah, that was a real welcome wagon, yes, sir. So- any way that was the last year it rained. This one here’s he’s maybe six, and he aint never seen no rain. One year when the starlings fell outta th’ sky…you come here boy. Remember when the black birds fell outta th’ sky, an’ you thought it was rain? Yeah, heh, heh. Yeah. That’s all right boy. You aint dumb. You’s just ign’rant. Yah, thas okay. You go on an’ play. Yeah, so the birds fell outta th’ sky, I guess it was on count of th’ drought.
One other year- go on boy, you go play. I said, go. One other year some god damn baseballs fell and the same kid- that one ther’ he comes in a runnin’, “Pa! It’s rainin’ hail the size of baseballs!” Now I can figure he don’t know about no rain, but how the hell come he don’t ken no baseball? I don’t get it. So, I goes out on the front porch, and I’ll be a god dam son of a bitch, there’s baseballs fallin’ like rain. But, turns out it’s from this plane overhead. They was flyin’ some mar’juana in an’ had to drop a load of these her’ Haitian baseballs to try an’ out run the feds. Never did get away though. So I been sellin’ the damn things for five years now. See I wrote on ‘em: Fell From The Sky, July 2003. They’re souvenirs. To answer your second question, they’re five dollars. Got to feed the family, ya know. Thank ya kindly.
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Ajax_Skreitzche reviewed Version 1 -
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1. use periods in place of -
2. break it up so it reads, return, indent, helps with the pauses youre creating in speech.
3. you dont start in with the regional speak punctuations, you should.
4. where its a question, make it a question. i.e. i been here…? i guess? seven…
love the piece
just wondering how you know my uncle otis so well?
peace
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loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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for some reason i laughed hysterically at the little boy thinking dead birds were rain. i love when writer actually write in the voice of the characters, and the only note i have is that the accent seems to kick in only halfway through. Make it start from the beginning. great job!
chasscot reviewed Version 1 -
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apb148 reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel you did a fine job with this. Your use of dialect to establish the character as “small town southern” was superb. I thought “hail the size of baseballs” was a nice touch.
Over all, great job.
Keep it up.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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The bit about breaking your nose- That should be your first sentence. It’s more gripping. Tell us the stuff about the house later.
“from the tire iron”- repetition- we already know that’s where you got it.
I’m guessing he’s from one of the southern states. If so, good characterisation.
I like how the whole story is just a voice- no descriptions are necessary. It works like this, and we gage the whole scene- visuals, additional characters- through the voice.
Good end twist clears up who the reader “is” in the story.
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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How cute. I love the southern accent and the broken deep south speak. Really leads to the poverty stricken area and the narrator’s lack of education. Not that people from the south aren’t smart, but you get what I’m saying.
As far as the way it was written, the only thing I had to reread was when he was talking to the kid. Since when he was talking to him there were no quots, I thought at first he was reflecting on it. Then I read it again and it appeared he was talking to someone. You may want to consider breaking that out so we know that he’s talking to someone other than his customer.
I thought it was very well written and very heart warming. Left me smiling.
clb_clark reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is definitely…different.
I would criticize you on your use of improper grammer, but then I realized that was to add to the effect of the story.
So, based on the style, the story is well done. Although, at first I was confused because I thought the narrator was speaking to the reader. Then he spoke to the boy, and then back to the reader.
I liked it though. The idea would make an interesting story.
dragonflier reviewed Version 1 -
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this is a good story.i think the characters drawl gives makes you fell sympathetic towards the character. Scince the boy has never seen rain you feel the dept of their situation. So in the end when they’re finally able to make some money off the baseballsyour rooting for them. i thought this entertaining and amusing..
Betty13 reviewed Version 1 -
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This one here’s…is that a type-O?
That was an effectively written piece. I created my own accent for it as I read in the narrator’s voice. I liked the way the narrator cut off his story a couple of times to speak to the “boy”. I didn’t have any trouble with it, I understood exactly what you meant. The piece also made me laugh and that isn’t so easy to achieve. I wish I had some advice to offer, but I honestly think it is good as it is.
Cheers.
Literati reviewed Version 1 -
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The way you were able to capture this character through his speech, writing as was said, is fantastic. It’s a skill not many have and you should consider insterting it into a larger work if you have any. The piece is full of more information than is written which gives it more depth (i.e. has knowledge of the marijuana runs and sells them as “Hatian baseballs”.
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