Thanks for the read and comments, Steph. I appreciate them. How are you making out up north? Cheers.
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Poetry / The Girl from Sant Joan de les Abadesses (Analysis)
Her green eyes mirror the lime and olive of the Pyrennes
brown curls loosened, tease the dip in her shoulders
and her thin-smile tattoos wordless thoughts, indelible roja.
We met on the Ruta del Ferro
in the cool of the abandoned rail station
where lavender breezes carry ghost trains east.
Beneath grey monastery walls that call out the dead
and the hot clay rooftops of this medieval town,
she rises from a clam-shell basin, afloat on a sea of poppies.
Made up with her best hopes and dreams
she cinches youth tight about her waist,
revealing herself through the thin fabric mesh
of a hot summer day.
.
She’s as changeable as blue clouds in June
as chipper as swallows skimming over the old town square.
She desires only to escape her mundane existence
locked within her palisade of walls and towers
where old men cultivate history from greener pastures,
collected nightly under a full Catalan moon.
I desire only to hold her breasts, feel the soft of her back
trap Spanish rain against her cheeks
and to be a drunkard, filled up with the milk of her.
She pours herself over me, a baptismal summer storm
and in that sweet moment of loss, when we can both escape our bonds
I capture her essence in the wet dew grass
digitize her soul like a pointillated Degas dancer
and in so doing, flypaper her memory to a travelogue
somewhere near the top of the album, as all tourists do:
a postcard souvenir of my Spanish travels.
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KindredSpirit reviewed Version 1 -
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Three-line stanzas, wonderful. Wordier stanzas need trimming by manipulating content and restructuring into 3 lines, too, thereby living up to the quality and expectation you created in the lovely 3-liners.
You’ve created quite a beautiful atmosphere in this poem, visual and romantic without being soppy or overdone. It’s fresh and vivid in imagery and description. I can almost see the girl and the Spanish town.
In that respect, I feel the last four lines bring a different quality. The one unappealing line is, “digitize… dancer.” If I look closer as to why, I think it’s because of the cold, modernism of the words, digitize and pointillated. They snap me out of the tone and setting of the rest of the piece. If you illustrate how you capture her essence and what it means to you in a more sensual way it would be in character with the rest of the poem.
Flypapering her memory is somewhat unimportant for this experience. Her memory burns forever as a souvenir of your Spanish travels (bleh, you’ll do better).
“Made up… waist” – feels awkward, as though the thoughts in those lines are too disconnected. What are you trying to communicate here? Keep simple enough to flow into the next beautiful lines, “revealing… summer day.”
Love to see your rewrite.
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stephw reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow!!
Loved this, is it totally publisheable. The descriptions of the town are so vivid, it really gives the feel of Europe with the history that surrounds you everywhere the locals don’t even seem to notice it’s all like a part of them already. I totally got that from this:
My one thought was to shorten some of the lines by breaking them up: i.e.
L3, put “indelible roja” on the next line. and maybe italicize roja to make it clear it’s Spanish.
S3, L3 could also be cut up after the comma. and S7, L2.
Other ways you can “clean it up,” by being spare with your word choices, i.e. “She desires only to escape her mundane existence” also a bit awkward phrasing there, could be shortened to “Her only desire – escape from her mundane existence.”
Looking forward to reading more of your poetry!
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 1 -
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There is much to work with here. Some of your lines are quite powerful. I am most partial to “trap Spanish rain…milk of her.”
Some of your images are weaker, but that’s not the key problem from my perspective. You obviously have the skill to make them stronger.
The real issue is that, though you’ve clearly got coherence in theme and subject, you’re lacking coherence and unity in your imagery. I feel like I’m flipping through a hundred poet’s ‘sample strips’ of images.
Just in S1 you’ve got green, eyes, a mirror, limes, olives, hair, shoulders, tattooing, and red. Each one of these has a counterpart in the stanza (except the verb tattoo), but as a group they don’t cohere particularly well. The whole poem suffers from this. Clay, clamshells, poppies, seasons, skies, bam, bam, bam… It’s overload. I like the topic and the tone with which you approach it. I WANT to read the poem many times because I relate to where you want me to go with it. But in the end I’m left more with a jumble of imagery than a deep feeling.
I suggest that you pick two or three categories of images that relate to one another and revise with an eye towards tightening this up. Whatever works best for you of course, but pare the sensory overload down. It’s not so much a matter of length, though it could be shorter. It’s really a matter of settling this cacophony down to a simpler harmony of images and metaphor. Luckily, you can achieve this more by chipping away than by having to add on.
bulletwithbutterflywings reviewed Version 1 -
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i enjoyed this poem overall. i think there is some beautiful imagery here, like the way you’ve described this spanish girl in the 1st stanza. Although the line about her smile tattoos thoughts i think could be better worded. ‘tattoos’ seems almost too hard a word for this poem. i absolutely love the first 3 stanzas, they flow smooth as silk and are beautifully written. i think the 2nd from last stanza could be softened a bit. instead of hold & feel, maybe graze or touch? i like the ending, how you liken her to a souviener of your travels. overall this is a lovely poem.
redbird reviewed Version 1 -
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lovely words i can picture everything
your words are very passionate and you leave the reader with a wonderful picture.
my only critique i would say is get rid of the word chipper. thats a very preppy word and your words are alot more passioante than that
the only other critique i would say is i desire to hold her breasts
i think the word breasts takes away from the passion again and makes the women seem like an object. to me for a better flow for lust and passion what about just saying i desire to hold her
wonderful imagry
crayonmustache reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi! How Beautiful! Nothing can compare to beauty of the heart, God’s living art. And as all is poetry, how can I judge yours? Lines I really enjoy and stick out are, “where lavender breezes carry ghost trains east.” and ”She’s as changeable as blue clouds in June”. Would it be in better context to have “Beneath grey monastery walls that call out the dead” for her to add a splash of color by her hands painting deep wells, or “She desires only to escape her mundane existence” when I can offer another all she desires it is climatical pumpkin sun rocketing ecstatic desire that gives my love, not just escape in another, such powerful words stir deep emotions. A lot of these words I do not understand, but that is my own ignorance. ”a postcard souvenir of my Spanish travels.” -this line to me diminished in some way the feeling, like a trophy from a kill of Santa’s reindeer. It’s love my friend. Your poem takes my heart wandering with longing. Very well written! Keep Writing! I enjoyed it! Thanks for the great read!
-cm
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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Pyrénées or Pyrenees are the correct French expression.
I see you used “roja” – I believe “red” in Spanish.
So maybe you should use the Spanish name for the mountains: Pirineos
“Catalan moon” – Catalan refers to language, Catalonian to one belonging to a region, and from the context here, I believe you meant the latter
“when we can both escape our bonds” – I would lose “when” and “can”, I don’t think you need them
I don’t recall Degas using the pointillism technique, care to specify which piece?
and in so doing, flypaper her memory to a travelogue – lose the “and in so doing,”
...of my Spanish travels. – I wouldn’t end the poem with the word “travels”. The final word of a poem carries great strength of imprinting the whole poem into reader’s mind. This poem is about a girl, not traveling. I would suggest ”...of (my/a) Spanish (girl/love/fling/something in that direction)”
I liked the whole poem except the 6th stanza, which seems to be written in a completely different style and mindset. I suggest you consider taking that whole stanza out, it would greatly improve the piece in my opinion.
OK, enough credits spent :) , we can discuss it in the comments later if you want.
Cheers, J.
JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 1 -
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This has really good imagery. There’s a dot between the fourth and fifth stanzas that i’m not sure is meant to be there. I really liked the way you described the place you met—saying “where lavender breezes carry ghost trains east”
This poem inspires me. I love the whole mood of it. The only thing i think could be changed is when she’s cinching “about” her waist. Maybe say “around” instead. But either works. Good job
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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wow!! that was some poem, i really liked how you put so much detell in it. but flypaper? that caught me off gared completey. it didnt really go for me. i think u should take out “flypaper” and put aother word in there. something more pretty. dont get me wrong ur poem is pretty soft and crip and clear and then u come across “flypaper” doesnt do it for me. i would change it and put soemthing else in there. other then that you did a wonderful job. hope all the best to you.
curtis_irion reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, I like this piece very much. The name of any poem or piece of literature has to be something to catch the eye, and it worked with me, so kudos on that.
Very beautiful imagery in this poem. I really like your use of colors in this poem. For me, they can be the most descriptive of words.
It seemas as if something amazing has arisen from the sea, someon that is cared for greatly. But then there is the change, in stanza five when you state that she is “changeable.” I really like the shift here, or at elast I see it as a shift.
The last few stanzas kind of surprised me as it seems that this beautiful decscriptive poem took on a different note, hard to explain. For me, I would consider changing around some of the wording in the last two stanzas. I just feel that they could have been constructed more delicately.
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