Poetry / The Consequence (Analysis)

liked the concept, the love one always get me,
nice metaphors, especially the river one.
overall i see potential in it being publishable. nice style too.

It’s certainly a poignant piece. The rhyme works well, but it might benefit from putting it into form—maybe couplets or quatrains, unless you prefer to keep it as a block. The opening line is wonderful and grabs the reader’s attention. However, some of the other lines like “cry me a river” the piece could do without.

     Please excuse my 4 ratings. I really don’t like to rate things on a scale of one to ten; for me writing can’t be broken down into a number rating. I do want to say that this poem does need some work to speak (at least to me) to the audience. It takes place very much in the abstract world of thought and emotion, which is what poetry is all about, BUT… as the reader, I need markers, signposts to guide me through it, and those markers are imagery that is commonly (but not run-of-the mill) identifiable by the broad spectrum of people that may  read this poem. The one vivid, strong piece of imagery I like a lot is “tormented rat trap caught up with no cheese”. That phrase has a powerful effect on all the physical senses.
     There are a few other uses of imagery in here that, forgive me for saying so, have been completely exhausted through previous poems, prose, and song lyrics. They just don’t grab attention anymore, and that’s not your fault. Here are some phrases I would strongly suggest omitting: “change my ticket from one-way to round-trip”, ” Cry me a river”, “bitter but sweet” and “opening doors so wide”.
     “For all your misfortunes that seem to drown you on your path of destruction” is confusing to me… Wouldn’t the subject’s misfortunes help him/her along on that path rather than interfere?  Just a question to hopefully help clarify what you intended.
     I know that almost all poetry exists in an abstract, personal place;  it is a very scary and brave thing to do to actually put it down in writing for others to see.  But when we do (I try to be a poet myself) we can’t lock our audiences out if we want them to appreciate and understand what we are trying to say.  In this draft you merely graze the subject of what I am guessing is a painful relationship, but I can’t truly grasp why because it seems you are forgetting (or not ready) to complete your thoughts.  I just don’t know if that is on purpose, or because the situation is so close and ordinary to you that you forget that your potential audience does not know the details as well as you do.  Don’t worry;  I’ve done the same thing in the past many, many times, and luckily people did point it out to me.
     I sincerely hope you do not take this critique as a harsh criticism;  I simply want you to be able to expand and more vividly portray what you have started in this first draft, so that your audience not only reads it but feels it.  Good writing, and good luck :)

As one who knows what it is like to have toxic friends and lovers – and as one who has also been hurt by one-sided relationships – I can certainly relate to this poem.  I especially like the lines “Please change my ticket / from one-way to round trip”  That was a marvelous metaphor for the discovery that the relationship may not have a future after all.

I have to say that those two lines were powerful that the rest of the poem seemed almost unnecessary and didn’t have any additional impact, other than to reinforce what I already got from the beginning.  The ending is a good rounding off of the message, but the key message is encapsulated in the first six lines – or even the first three.

not that tormented rat trap

caught up with no cheese,

left for dead to our disease;

-  I LOVE THESE LINES!  ohhh, soo wonderful!

The only thing I would change is this:  
“I can’t find peace and serenity with you”

I would say :  I cannot find peace and serenity
               with you

This is because the ‘with you’ part of the line is the most important, i feel, and i think it deserves it’s own line to give it more power

Well done well done!  I really liked this piece!  I will be adding it to my favs.  

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
J. Humiston

precis from 168 down to 84. Next stage I’d suggest is to cut & paste. Perhaps even keep your first line till the end.

round trip ticket please
in case I get fed up watching
you  drowning in past misfortunes
your tone is so mean is bitter sweet
I’m trying to make sense of this puzzle
a  rat trap with no cheese,
dreams to be happy we believed
all you want for me,
without your willingness to succeed,
I can’t find peace and serenity with you
and that’s really all I want to do…
I guess I just have to make sense
of the consequences of loving you

Overall it’s simple and not too abstract, which is good.  There’s always a consequence that comes with loving someone or leaving someone behind.  Your beginning lines that end in “fed up” are a great attention getter but you lost me when the speaker says “cry me a river.”  I think maybe why it’s not so convincing is because it’s too self centered.  We know the speaker is tired but we don’t get a glimps of anything of the person being left.  Hope this helps.

I LIKED IT I THINK I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THIS ONE SPOKEN
NICE SENSE OF RHYTHEM.   I CAN REALATE