Gracias!!! Great review and I will work on the journey for the revision coming soon.
Adios!!!
Charley
Humor/Satire / Making a Deal with the Dew: Bottle Cap Blues (Analysis)
Mountain Dew is good.
I used to scoff at the vile Satan juice, and those who’s adam’s apples glurged up and own with swirly eyes and flaring nostrils, drinking it. Now, I do the Dew everyday, and I gotta say…I’m lovin’ it.
It all started innocently enough. I noticed a sign on the freezer case at the gas station, “1 in 6 WINS!” Never one to refuse a sporting game of numbers, I splurged and bought a bottle of the neon liquid. After twisting the cap I was informed by the the luciferian elixir that it was “SORRY” and that I should “TRY AGAIN.”
Though this should’ve been a time of mundane sorrow, I was delighted to see actual words on the bottom of a bottle cap instead of a bunch of crappy letters and numbers saying “Go to our website UNLOCK THE CODE. Go to our website CODE CODE CODE.” Yeah right, WHY? So I can get sucked into your brand identification marketing scheme BULLSHIT you bastard pop salesmen. At least the DEW has the forthrightness to just tell me if I won and end it there.
Anyhoo, instant gratification came as soon as I started chugging my sweet toxic nectar. Depriving myself of this shit my whole life now had me suckling the plastic bottle like a neglected baby. Outside the gas station I stood, GULP, GULP GULP… gasp…GULP, GULP..stop, “Damn that’s good,” ..GULP etc…
Obviously some inborn Mountain Dew pleasure receptor that’d lain dormant within my throat was now activated. It was just like the commercial.
I immediately went back into the gas station and bought five more Dews, consummating my new love for the sinful saffron beverage, and ensuring an endgame to my previously promised 1 in 6 bet of whimsey. Of coarse each turn of the 5 caps bore the same reply: “SORRY TRY AGAIN.”
DAMN YOU SATAN DEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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“Satan juice” -> Satanic maybe? Or was it fresh squeezed from Satan himself? :)
“luciferian” should be capitalized.
“you bastard pop salesmen.” I’d put a comma before tht and an exclamation point after.
“whimsy” -> no ‘e’.
It might not be your intention, but I think you could actually sell this as an ad for Mountain Dew in some of the edgier magazines out there. Good luck! :)
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Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this amusing but not rolling on the floor funny. I was with you on hating consumerism, and hating guerilla marketing. I even comprehended how hating the marketing of a product doesn’t prevent it from grabbing you with schemes and a caffiene/sugar rush. Your comedic timing needs a little work. I feel that your transition from hater to addict happens too quickly. Part of the joke is that the reader comes with you on your journey from one extreme to another, but you lost me on that leap. Spend more time filling us in on your disdain, give us more emotion as you shift from one pole to the other. Finally, work on spacing, flow, and punctuation; I don’t like to see ”...” used very often, and the final sentence being all caps and !!!!!!!!!! is overselling a bit.
LLee reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the pop culture, kid-silliness of this. But I was disapointed with where it ended. We all know that 1 in 6 wins is misleading, and the ending is too predictable. I think that you should expand this, alot, so that the Dew becomes a full on obsession, and the main character slowly goes mad with both the love for the drink and the impoverishing, life-sucking preoccupation with finding a winning cap…....a preoccupation that should remain unfulfilled throughout the story. That would be a good read, I say!
Sonora reviewed Version 1 -
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(: Very commical! I love the truth in the fact that you never win…the statistics are a lie. I’m not a dew fan…maybe someday it will overcome me too and catch up though. :)
“Depriving myself of this shit my whole life now had me suckling the plastic bottle like a neglected baby.”
I love this comparison, it really paints a picture. I can see you sitting in front of the gas station chugging this soda like your life depends on it!
curtis_irion reviewed Version 1 -
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It seems as if you drank about 10 of these before you wrote this. This piece is ranting, but it seems well thought-out. Why the hatred towards the Dew originally? It sounds as if you went from being against this drink to living it? Why? I feel like that was never fully explained!
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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Funny but you might have trouble placing it due to the product identification and the reluctance on the part of publishers to piss off a large corporation. Normally, whole word capitalization and heavy use of ellipsis is a no-no as is the overuse of exclamation points but, given the somewhat slapstick nature of this one, it’s probably okay. Good luck with it.
Nipicker’s list:
“glurged”? Not a verb I’m familiar with.
”...the the luciferian…” one “the” too many and “Luciferian”.
“Anyhoo” I don’t think works here. It just doesn’t fit in with the overall tone of the narration and it really slows your story down when encountered.
”...some inborn Mountain Dew pleasure receptor that’d lain dormant within my throat…” taste buds on tongue, pleasure receptors in brain, neither in throat. That, of course, is just a technicality. Since you’re dabbling in absurdity, it probably doesn’t matter and it doesn’t particularly detract from the fun.
“1 in 6” “turn of the 5 caps” etc. should be written out “one-in-six” “turn of the five caps” and so on.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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Light and engaging piece of humor. There are just a few typographical errors that need to be corrected. L1 – ”...up and (d)own…” and last line – “Of (course) each…”
Is it the game or the taste that lures you to the Satan Dew? Maybe a bit more insight into the “Damn that’s good” taste of it would round this out further. My sister is a daily “Dewer” – she claims it as a ‘fruit’ because the second ingredient is orange juice.
Also, it was stated this might be used as a possible magazine short. If so a hint of journalistic slant might make this piece more appealing to that market – explore further the ‘sinful’ nature of this brew by interjecting some of the ways it is ‘Bad’ for the consumer (ie. it literally eats the enamel off your teeth, according to my dentist)...
AnnelyseRobin reviewed Version 1 -
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Great topic. Here are some suggestions:
The opening line is a bit out of place because you immediately contradict it and it doesn’t sound reluctant enough. Maybe you could say: “Fine, I’ll admit it: Mountain Dew is good.” Or something of the sort.
“who’s adam’s apples glurged up and own with swirly eyes and flaring nostrils,”
“Who’s” should be whose. I do not believe “glurged” is a word—perhaps it is a typo? Also, I don’t know if the “swirly eyes” is necessary—I think the flaring nostrils are vivid enough / exaggerated enough. The image of “Swirly” eyes is confusing. Maybe you could describe how their eyes are closed in Satanic passion or something….
“Now, I do the Dew everyday, and I gotta say…I’m lovin’ it.”
Unless Mountain Dew is owned by McDonald’s, I would cut out the “I’m lovin’ it”. The spelling of it (no g) and the placement of it (right next to another corporate slogan, ‘do the dew’—which is very effective by the way) seem wrongly placed.
“I was informed by the the luciferian elixir that it was “SORRY—
Excellent. I love this line. Your humor is great (suckling the bottle like a neglected baby!).
This piece does not seem finished to me. I think you should talk about your attempts to recover from your “Mountain Dew” addiction, or maybe an awkward situation you have been put into because of it. At the very least, you need some kind of closing remarks other than “DAMN YOU SATAN DEW!!!!!!” (Which, if it was going to be published, would be inappropriate for a professional magazine anyway.)
Great story, with I think publishing potential if you polish it and fix the ending.
Cavol reviewed Version 1 -
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The good:
-I liked that you had a different term for Mountain Dew just about every time it was mentioned – that was funny i.e. “Saffron beverage”, “Satanic elixir”
-The first sentence/paragraph.
The bad:
-You never explained why you hated Mountain Dew so much opposed to Dr. Pepper or Diet Coke with lime; the result let this feeling kinda randomly inspired.
-You do not have a spelling or grammatical error situation, but you do have a couple typos/mistakes:
a. Rhetorical questions get question marks too: “So i can get sucked…pop salesman?”
b. “Of course” not “Of course”
c. Luciferian should be italicized since it’s coined.
The bottom line:
It wasn’t laugh out loud funny, but I don’t think that’s what you really intended. It was cute, made me smile. I’m not so sure it would work as a magazine short or a “serialized crazy American adventure novela” but it’s definitely reads like a blog and perhaps even a web comic. I actually prefer those comics that are more slice of life than super heroes kicking booty.
econobeing reviewed Version 1 -
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It gave me a smile. I loved the way you described it as though it was the most vile thing in existence, then flipped it around. Guilty pleasure. Now I want one.
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