Thank you very much.
Poetry / Rush
A sudden night
An eve of unexpected beginnings
I lie still
Unsure of what is demanded from me
But you turn and smile
And I am carried away
I step round the hurdle
Because you say I am ok.
Why did I listen
We were strangers that evening
Yet you struck a chord
One I didn’t know was inside of me
I put my head in yours
I followed you to the sea
And soon I was lost
In the deep green within.
Call me stranger
These fingers won’t lie still.
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Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
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In the first stanza I’d recommend leaving it as “A sudden night of unexpected beginnings” Night’s the end and you say night twice with eve. The ending seemed awkward, especially the last line. It felt like you were trying to force it to pull the piece together. I couldn’t pick up on any consistent flow or rhythm either, it was a bumpy read. I think it was the combination of missing punctuation, awkward structure, and poor word choice. You’re working with an interesting story though, this encounter sounds intriguing. I bet with some revision you could make the description of this story intriguing too.
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carljp reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow!
This is a very good poem to be honest, i really like the imagery and use of metaphors here, the poem works really well exactly as it is. The use of ‘I’ is really good, as if telling a story, and yet you seem to subconsciously be with the stranger. The best thing is that you dont “tell” me what is happening, you “show” what is happening, and leave a lot to the imagination which is what I think makes a great poem.
I particularly like the ending, it poses many questions, much like a cliffhanger, you play with the readers thoughts.
I must say, this is a really well written poem.
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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It is a nice story, but I wasn’t drawn into the story. There wasn’t enough imagery to help pull me in. If you could find a way to include more sensory images, such as the smell of the salt water, the feel of the sand beneath your feet. Describe the night, describe the smile, describe what it is that carries you away, describe the chord that was struck. Tell your story in pictures, not words. I hope that this is helpful. :)
kt_writer_girl reviewed Version 1 -
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completly amazing! I Loved it!!!!
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice imagery, good level of diction and phrasing. Don’t let the punctuation police influence you, this reads very well. Should L4 be “demanded [of] me.”
Ending lines do a good job of extending the poem and creating an opening. L5,6,7 & 8 are the essence make the piece. If art is the direct experience of the self ot the artist then you did it in those lines.
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