Poetry / Prisms

It would be more clear and nicer if you would put quotation marks around things said, for example in lines 4 and 5.

no where—> nowhere

Until line 11 it seems ‘they’ are talking to you, but then you say “you have a friend”, meaning only one person is there, a bit confusing

“in a now burning sun.” – this sounds grammatically incorrect, maybe ‘in the sun – now burning’ or  ’in the sun that’s burning now’

” smiles doubt.” – could be that the smiles are doubting something or the doubt is smiling, perhaps you should rewrite this to be clearer for the readers

It all sounds to me as an internal dialogue between a man and his doubt/fears.
I love the atmosphere that you acomplished here, I just wish it was written more clear, some parts are really abstract, like the “frozen teeth” line.
Enjoyed.

Some missing punctuation made me stumble and run on as I read. It felt like a bunch of ideas were tossed together, sometimes lacking logical connection. Lines 13, and even 14 kind of encompass what I’m referring to.

I think the beginning would read better:

“Stand here,
whisper to me.
No, here
Stand by me.” – Although i think you should consider downplaying the “me’s”    

I loved this poem. The subject matter speaks to a lot of different voices, and whispers in the ear of everyone who has ever had a sketchy friendship. However, I would suggest one thing…when you’re talking about what “they” are saying, I would use quotes, because 1.) it can be confusing to readers, and 2.) it just cleans up the poem a whole lot more. Well done.

This is an interesting story, but it didn’t paint much of a picture when I read it. I had trouble connecting to it. The following line did stand out:

Frozen teeth and gums glint in a now burning sun.

Add some more lines like this, and I would be happy to read any future revisions. :)

I really like poems that extend one thought or moment across a single descriptive experience.  No one line means very much or calls much attention and yet at the end the reader feels satisfied.  Something happened; hard to describe.  My guess is some people will not understand this a really rip you a knew one concerning clarity.  Don’t listen.  The last line says it all.  Maybe you are – so what.

I read it twice & realized that I needed to put the punctuation in to make sense of it, so I did.
Seems to be a conversation between 3 people beside a highway.

‘Stand here,’ each whisper to me
‘No, here.’
‘Stand by me’
‘I’m staying open,’ I proudly announce.
‘We used to be friends,’ they chorus.
‘But I’m open now,’ and cross my arms.
‘Open to what?’ they ask.
‘There’s nothing there, just occupied places.’
‘You’ll belong no where. Here, you have a friend.’
Doubt creeps in and smiles. Frozen teeth and gums glint in a now burning sun.
I wait by the roadside for the passing cars. Open and exposed, smiles doubt.
He waits by my uncrossed arm. I look back, and wonder. Maybe I’m out too far.

• add/view comments (2)

July 24, 2008

by Gaeltree

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
30	84.0% (25 votes)	19.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36	F	United Kingdom	September 04

Thanks for the review. Punctuation was a deliberate omission and I appreciate how you see it. For me, there’s only one person there and a whole bunch of echoes, ghosts and grins.

July 24, 2008

by Lin

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
564	64.7% (153 votes)	59.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
68	M	Australia	September 07

Leaving the punctuation out did mean that I was obliged to read it several times which was a great idea. The idea of having a conversation with your own ghosts & demons sits well too. I’d envisaged a group wandering down the road late after a party.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.