good idea about title
Short Story / A Riddle Wrapped in a Puzzle Shoved Into a Stained Kango Hat (Analysis)
So I’m at the bar the other night with my best friend Matt who’s just like me: three kids, pushin’ 30 and still hasn’t had a job that pays more than 10 dollars an hour.
So a couple of sad losers are sitting at a bar discussing plans for the comic book they will never make when an even bigger loser struts in and grabs a stool next to them.
He sits there for a while avoiding eye contact with the bartender, kinda hiding behind me and Matt when he whispers to me, “Yo cuz, can you buy me a beer.”
I look at this guy- he’s got an electric blue FUBU hoodie with some cheap Fruit of the Loom navy blue sweatpants. He’s got a brown Kango hat with a grease stain backwards on his head. His eyes are a couple red squints and he smells of weed smoke and body odor. If he were being ironic he’d be a genius, instead he is about the most foul dude I’ve ever met.
He starts talking… he attempts talking… all I hear is “shit”, “fuck,” and ya know what I’m sayin,” something about how his girlfriend stole his car or something.
Anyhoo, I’m on my fourth beer and this guy is really good for laughs so I buy him another Bud Light and include him in me and Matt’s whiskey shots. I give him a dollar to play the Jukebox so me and Matt can have a second to really make fun of this guy- anything to make our lives seem less pathetic while sitting in a boring bar. He returns to the stool as The Humpty Dance starts playing behind him. He gets up again, balancing on one leg and humping around the bar, mouthing the words at girls who are either laughing or sneering at him.
I say to Matt , “I’ll buy him a pitcher if he keeps this shit up.”
But after his dance he comes back, downs the rest of his drink and leaves without a word. Then before the door swings back, he’s back in, bumpin’ my elbow to bum a cigarette. I’ve never refused a free cigarette to anyone, not even Vanilla Ice’s retarded brother.
“Thanks bruh, lemme get a light.” he says as he picks up Matt’s blue bic off the bar. Then he turns and heads back out, without lighting his smoke and still carrying Matt’s lighter.
“Hey!” yells Matt, “Can I get my light back dude”
AND THEN HE SAYS IT.
“Charge it to the game, cuz.”
And he’s out.
Matt gets up but I grab his shoulder and say, “Hey man, charge it to the game.”
“Fuck that!”
“Hey man… seriously, they have matches here… charge it to the game.”
In that moment it became clear and we had to laugh. This freak of society obviously lived by some Cedar Rapidian ghetto V karma laws that we could never understand. So the two sad losers drank and drank gleefully developing on bar napkins a new character for the comic book they would never create.
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hey_sean reviewed Version 1 -
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The opening with the word “so” and the ensuing sentance helped to set the mode of a friend telling the story to another friend. However, I think you should rework the next line of also beginning with so.
“He starts talking… he attempts talking…”
Try something like “He starts talking… or attempts to, at least…”
The ending was a bit confusing, as I’m not familiar with the phrase. I had to read it a few times and I THINK I have it, but that’s going on an assumption. See if you could tie in the reason of why he said that.
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jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 1 -
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Where it says ‘me and Matt’s whiskey shots’ it should be ‘Matt and my whikey shots’ & ‘me and Matt’ should be ‘Matt and I’.
I enjoyed this story. There was a flow to it that made it easy to read. As for the ending, I don’t think you need to say ‘charge it to the game’ a third time. The third time kind of takes away from the nonchalantness of the line.
davet reviewed Version 1 -
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The title intrigued me – a borrowing from Winston Churchill, perhaps?
“I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest.” Winston Churchill: 1939.
I quite like the character in the Kango hat, and admire his cheek. The “charge it to game”, comment is what makes me think – and the characters’ acceptance of it and their sudden realisation that life is grist to the writers mill makes sense of the riddle.
It is the Kango hat guy that interests me more than the two losers – and I ended upmfocusing on him and where he gets his ideas of the “game”.
In terms of writing this is fine, I could quibble with a comma here or there, but won’t.
All in all – a good, quick read.
trident reviewed Version 1 -
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A light and refreshing piece. I like the ending – it has closure and a very subtle punch. My main observation is it’s too short, and I recommend you expand the dialogue (and hence the character fabric) for the three major characters.
The title is very laborious, I like the theme line “charge it to the game”, and think you should work this into your title. Perhaps something like “Ahead of the Game”???
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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Amusing little story. I especially like the way they get punk’d in the end and then laugh about it.
I wish the characters were developed a little more but I did get a picture of who they are. They may be sad, pathetic losers, but they are not unlikable.
I can’t believe that they don’t really develop their comic book. They should develop it.
Enjoyed reading this.
occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 1 -
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This could be a good comic piece with more work, but right now I am left unsatisfied. I guess you write in slang because that’s how you want to express your characters, but outside of dialogue this is a bad idea. It just looks sloppy. There is not much of a plot going on here, but if you work on setting the scene and enhancing the dialogue and characters this could be a nice sketch/scene piece.
Focus on the humour, on making the characters likeable and of interest to the reader. I also suggest reading what is written outside the dialogue and try to make it less of a colloquial tone.
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting character. I think it could’ve been longer with some desciptions of these guys in their state of loserdoom. Do they have the beer bellies? Have they had the same clothes on for a week? Do their wives give them any love anymore? Just something to clear up why they bother to fork out cash for this guy. Fun read though.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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I was motivated to read this story, because of the title. An original, very pleasing. Also, now I know what a kango hat is. As a writer and “critic,” I think it is my duty to find out about unfamiliar names, places, objects, etc. You get down to description of characters, the tavern, dialogue, quickly which is good because this is a short short.
Subject/Theme: I think, “charge it to the game,” means that FUBU was the entertainment for part of the night.
Scene/place: tavern
Point of View: first person
Imagery/Description: I like the references to the hat, sweatshirp, pants, and song. Dialogue is good, tidy up the appearance on paper.
Protagonist:Blue FUBU hoodie guy, normally I would say the narrator if 1st person is the Protag., but in this story it seems like FUBU has goals to achieve, drink and smokes. And he gets them.
Antagonist: The “losers,” don’t change, they are amused but then go back to the same routine.
Crisis/Conflict: Disturbing behavior, “Should we laugh or cry for this guy?”
Fitting resolution: the ending is satisfying, because there seems to be a reversal in roles, first the guys seemed to be in control and amusing themselves, and in the end FUBU got the best of the deal. FUBU’s self-esteem probably can’t go any lower and he’s found a way to use that to his advantage.
Nitpicking list: for submissions, 1st Line of Para. are tabbed.
L5 pg.2/2 Bic is capitalized.
The last line you may want to have worded differently, because of POV change.
ellipses 5L from end on 1/2 aren’t necessary. They imply further thought you assume the reader to know. I am unclear if the losers/comic book guys are different people than the narrator and Matt. 2nd line 1/2 would clear up the last line of story if written, “So us a couple losers…”
4L from end 1/2 “include him in me”>>” confusing, “him with me and Matt”
“Charge to the game, ” is crucial, but the capitalization 8thL Pg.2/2 isn’t necessary. Subtleness is key at this point.
This is a short short. You know this. I think you compact everything into 300 words? Not sure. But you did good.
Get this on hard copy, and have people and pen critique it.
Blessings, Gbryan.
pardon MY grammar
wordsmith reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a deceptively sophisticated story. In publishing circles, a story with an unexpected “hook” the points to a deep psychological or sociological process is looked upon generously. For me, your unvarnished narrative and dialogue ring authentic. Your character development is as good as it can be in this short a story. Your character development of the “Home Boy” is executed deftly through the responses to him by other peripheral characters in the story, which I find more effective than straight description. This piece has in my opinion one of the most attractive literary qualities; subtlety. You done good.
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