Thank you for a wonderful review! I will certainly work on my character development, descriptions, and the general layout.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Undetermined
The cold started at the base of her spine, trailing upwards lazily, jolting her awake. It continued between her shoulder blades, light as a feather, but weighty as lead. She gasped as freezing tendrils that felt like fingers wrapped around her neck. She jerked from under the covers, clawing at her neck, choking from the fear and the overwhelming sensation of cold. As she looked at herself in the bedroom vanity, she realized there were no fingers, just the trickling drops of blood oozing from the scores her fingernails had driven into her flesh. The memory had felt so real, so terrifying, that she looking hurridly around the room, searching for phantoms in the silvery moonlight filtering into her bedroom. Breathing deeply, she sat on the bed, trying to calm herself, but all she could think about was that night.
She remembered the way the wrought iron gate had felt as she leisurely strolled towards the park that evening. She had always been fond of walking the silent trails in the dead of night when her insomnia got the best of her. The moon was a bare sliver in the sky, lending a slight brilliance to the leaves in the park, but leaving the paths in shadow. She wasn’t sure when it happened, but suddenly he was on her. His hot breath scalded the skin of her neck as he came up behind her, wrapping his ice cold hand around her neck, forcing her head back and baring her soft, ivory skin. He chuckled and began teasing her, running his tongue back and forth across her carotid, nipping her with his sharp teeth. He clouded her mind with sadistic images that should have frightened and revolted her, but entranced her and made her quiver with need. All she could smell was his overpowering male scent, mixed with something akin to patchouli. She could feel his hunger in her marrow, and no matter how loud her mind screamed, she softened and offered her neck to him. As he descended, he hesitated, going still as death as he scanned their surroundings. She heard the sound of two arguing lovers coming towards them on the path and began to struggle, shaking her head to clear her mind as he tried to drag her farther into the trees. With the lovers just around the curve in the path, and her struggling becoming wilder, he gave a growl of anger and faded into the night just as quickly as he had appeared.
She shivered and wrapped the comforter tighter around her body. She had a name for her fear:
Vampire.
*
Kalen took one last draw of his cigarette before crushing it into the petrified wood of the vine trellis. For a moment, he was lost watching the red ember glow brightly, then begin fading away, dying. For a long time he could remember feeling this way. Kalen Halloway had been dead for nearly four centuries, and at this point in his undead life, there was little left that excited him. Even the rush of stalking his prey and the warmth of the rich blood he drank no longer gave him the satisfaction it once did. So why, he wondered, was he standing outside this old stone townhouse trying to remember the scent of last night’s failed catch? Something about her had teased his long-dead emotions, and upon waking that evening he had immediately set to work trying to find the elusive human female. His search had brought him here, to the home of one Alara Smith, university librarian. He smirked in the dark. A librarian…what could a librarian possibly do to him that hadn’t been done by the harems of women he had been with all these centuries? Still, he was here, and still desperately needed to see her again.
Frowning, he noticed that her bedroom light was still on. What on earth was she possibly doing up at four o’clock in the morning?
*
Maybe four o’clock in the morning was an odd time for anyone else to be up, but to Alara it was practically routine. She often found herself wandering through the park in the dead of night, driven from her bed by restlessness, and some drawing force that kept her from sleep. Tonight, however, she was curled up in her favorite overstuffed chair, with her worn cashmere blanket, doing what librarians do best: reading. She was still uneasy about what had happened in the park several nights ago, so instead of her usual walk, she had decided to stay in and become absorbed in a book. Tonight’s selection was a perfectly gruesome fiction of Roman history, her favorite topic. She was just turning the page, engrossed in the bloody gore of battle, when she felt an all-too-familiar cold begin seeping into the back of her neck. Assuring herself that it was nothing more than a draft in the old stone house, she snuggled deeper in her blanket, once more entering the time of the gods.
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bravis reviewed Version 1 -
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A few typos first…
light as a feather, but weighty as lead – this seems a little contradictory.
that she looking hurridly around the room – looked hurriedly. I don’t like the adverb here though. Is there a better verb to use than ‘looked’ that negates the need for the adverb? Adverbs used in this way weaken writing. Maybe ‘scanned the room’, or ‘she cast her eyes around the room’, or ‘she scoured the room’
Another couple of naughty adverbs I spotted – leisurely strolled and Breathing deeply. Same solution applies; strengthen the verb, or just take away the adverb – ‘strolled’ is sufficient in the first case.
The moon was a bare sliver in the sky, lending a slight brilliance to the leaves – take out ‘a bare’ and ‘slight’; you don’t need them and they don’t really add anything. Watch out for unnecessary words cluttering up your sentences.
his overpowering male scent, mixed with something akin to patchouli. – this suggests, since we are in her point of view, that in the heat of this moment she was pondering his smell and deciding he smelt like patchouli (which I always associate with jossticks), and this seems a little clinical and calm and doesn’t really fit with the emotion. I like that she notices a smell, but keep the description brief and powerful and non-analytical so that it seems more like her thoughts – ”...a heady, musky, masculine scent that made her want to sink into his arms all the more.” ::gag:: Okay that was a little cheesy, but you get the idea.
Good job staying in your characters’ point of view. There is also a nice blend of description and narrative without any info dumps that often clutter up people’s first chapters.
In the first section I would be inclined to take out the bit about her waking up and instead tell us more actively about the encounter in the park. Telling it in flashback means it loses some of the emotion and drama and tension. It becomes you (writing in Alara’s POV) relating events that have already happened; and thus we know she makes it, and from her feelings in the present she doesn’t seem to be ‘turned’, and she isn’t talking about a wound, and so it is fairly clear that she won’t get bitten. If you tell it actively, in the moment, you can give us more idea of her raw emotions and then when she gets away it will be a surprise.
The changes in character and scene seem quite frequent. I would expand Kalen’s section so that we have more of a break between Alara’s sections. There didn’t seem to be any point to having the section from Kalen’s POV because nothing happened – it just seemed to be there in order to dispel some mystery about the vampire in the park, but it seemed a little early to be dispelling mystery about him, and initially I wasn’t even sure if he was the vampire in the park since he went from being such a mystery to an open book. I would try and write whole chapters from one character’s POV and avoid switching between them too often from now on, and link the switches a little more so we see how they follow one another.
Here’s an idea – I’m guessing the rapid changes in POV in this first chapter are because you want to introduce both main characters early on? How about having the first section as her attack in the park told actively not in flashback, then Kalen’s section could pick up from where she is released and runs away – he could watch her go and maybe follow her for a while (and here you could use most of what you wrote, but ground it a little more in a scene and have him being active in some way). You could end his scene with him looking through her window and then flying away, and then in the third scene switch back to her POV and have her hearing something at the window and going to see what it was.
Each change in scene and character would butt up against each other and continue a linear narrative, or you could even have them overlapping slightly, enabling you to show parts of scenes and certain events from their differing points of view.
Lots of potential here I think and there is a market for this kind of slightly erotic/romantic story with a dark and evil twist. Your writing is mostly very good although it needs a little trimming here and there, but I just felt like there needed to be more structure and purpose to the different sections and a stronger storyline running through. Maybe write a little more and see where it takes you.
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RationalParanoia reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it. Good so far, and the opening hook got me right off the bat. Though, I think it would be more effective to start it off with the vampire attack, not just her describing it in flashback. Describing it in flashback, I think, weakens some of the excitement that should come with that scene- people don’t need to wonder about what’s going to happen to her afterwards when you’ve already told them.
Either way, onto other stuff. Some things in the story I feel could be fleshed out a little more. For example, add a little more (not a lot, just a little) to what the vampire had to do to find Alara (when he’s outside of her house, I mean, not in the initial attack). Was the search easy? Was the search difficult? How did he find her? Also, instead of simply saying that she was too uneasy to go outside for her normal walk, show it. Show her arguing with herself about it, or at least show some thoughts considering the walk.
Anyway- Not much else to say. I’d like to see the character’s fleshed out a little more, but I assume you’re going to do that with further writing. Anyway, I’d like to see more of this. You’ve caught my attention, and I want to see what happens to Alara and Kalen.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this shows a lot of promise.
The first part was kind of sketchy. Once you started from Kalen’s pov I started to pull me in. I would suggest starting this with either the actually attack or a vivid dream of the actual attack. Bring the reader right there. Send our hearts racing in first few paragraphs and we’ll keep reading. Before you continue or go do far, if you havn’t already decide what is going to make this different that the other vampire romances. At least from what I have read so far that seems the direction you’re going in.
“light as a feather, but weighty as lead.” How can it be both light as a feather and weighty as lead?
“She jerked from under the covers,” This isn’t clear. What did she do exactly? Did her sit up and throw the covers? Did she jump out of bed?
“hurridly” Hurriedly
“about was that night.” Do you mean what happened earlier that night? Be more specific. Was it days ago, weeks? Seems kind of odd that someone who is prone to insomnia could go to sleep after being attack by a vampire. I would think she’d be up all night and have called someone, a friend, the police, a relative?
“feel his hunger in her marrow,” I suggest, ‘feel his hunger all the way to the marrow of her bones.
“As he descended,” This sounds like he’s flying in the air and coming in for a landing.
“faded into the night” What do you mean he faded? He dropped back out of sight, he literally disappeared?
“She had a name for her fear:
Vampire.” This is a given. You’ve been quite clear and did a good job, there would not be a doubt in anyone’s mind at this point that it was a vampire who attacked her and that she is afraid.
Seems strange a vampire would smoke, if they’re dead their lungs don’t function how would they inhale the smoke or derive any pleasure from it. If you’re hooked on the idea I would suggest adding something saying like that he still had the habit even though he no longer could derive any pleasure from it.
MaxPower1272 reviewed Version 1 -
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nice haunting opening, drew me in. I don’t know the intention of the novel but this almost feels like something I would write after a more action-type introduction to settle the reader in character. The darkness of it works though, I would go forward with it.
The vampire genre is kinda getting played out, i hope you can find a good twist with your characters! good luck!
Spunkles reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was pretty good. There are several sentences in the last paragraph that have already been stated, such as her usual walks through the park, and her fear of the other night. It seems a little repetitive there.
The jump from the the second to the third section where you use four o’clock in back sentences, I would try to only use it the first time and not the second. It makes it seem a little childish if that makes any sense. I would say the last section needs some work but other than that I liked it.
Fido reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m a huge vampire fan… however this piece reminded me of an all too frightening trend that’s been emerging lately. The trend was started by Stephanie Meyers’ Twilight series and has been growing ever since. A vampire meets a girl who he likes and thus begins the forbidden love affair. ‘m not sure that this is where you’re going with this. However it seems a little bit like I hit the nail on the head and as original as your idea may seem in YOUR mind, it has been done before.
Old_Frog reviewed Version 1 -
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light as a feather, but weighty as lead. -> Light as a feather, and at the same time as dense as lead.
teased his long-dead emotions -> awoke…revived…
Alara Smith, university librarian. How was he able to get this information?
Please watch that this does not fall into the same Vampire falls in love with the victim. There are already too many stories with that synopsis.
You should provide more detail about the characters to make them more interesting, and human, and fallible.
The writing style is good, and followable, and what little I know about the main characters interests me and makes me want to read more.
Good luck.
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