much appreciated. ive been working on the whole innocence angle more. i like the suggestion. i REALLY need to get a revise up here. thanx again. LATER
Flash Fiction / Atherton's Tale (beginning)
July 13, 2007
The story you are about to experience is real. No names have have been changed because there is no one to protect; no one is innocent.
Innocence, what an outmoted idea. Why is this concept still alive? Why is the word even still in the language? Why does any one person still assume that there is still innocence in this world? Innocence projects lack of guilt in one form ar another. But I know now that everyone is, or will be, guilty of some mortal sin throughout life. Whether that sin is against their God or against another person, sin is sin. Every human being is guilty, therefore every human being deserves to die.
That’s where I come in. At least that is the way it seems. Many have done at my hands, and there are many more to come. But I’m getting ahead of the story. Allow me to introduce myself.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
DresdenCarter reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hey stranger,
YES it does grab me. OH MY GOD, MAN…GREAT job!
There was just two problems I found with this sentence:”Innocence projects lack of guilt in one form ar another.” – are is missing an ‘e’. And the ’s’ sound destroys the Euphony(soothing pleasant sound) of the sentence. I almost bit my tongue, or maybe it’s because I’m recovering form lisp tongue. Lol. Apart from that no other conventional errors i can see.
I CRAVE more. I NEED to know more. This is GOING to be a really great piece(I’ll put my money on this). The narrator is witty and fun. This is one of the best things I’ve read on URBIS and it’s not even complete. Please notify me when you add the rest. PLEASE!
:-)
D.C
- add/view comments (0)
DickMcR reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
the first sentence is engaging, but then I got distracted by all the typos, like ‘outmoted’.. outmoded?
it’s a good idea but i think you should take it more seriously. just this little tease with all its typos doesn’t make me want to read more.
JustGeneric reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This piece has potential, but was hard for me to follow for various reasons. First, the author’s notes say that this will be in journal form, but the first sentence does not read the way a person would actually write in their journal. It’s definitely the beginning of a good story though, and I thought the rest of the piece worked great as a journal entry.
Also, there were a few sentences that didn’t read right: 1)”Why does any one person still assume that there is still innocence in this world?” The word ‘still’ is redundant and should be used only once in this sentence. 2)”Many have done at my hands”. Is ‘done’ supposed to read as ‘died’? It was a little confusing.
Overall, it did hold my attention, but I just felt it could use some tweaking. Thanks for sharing!
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think it runs on a little for that. The second paragraph could be cut in half or so. It losses me there.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I thought this was very good start. You pulled me in with your first sentence and makes me want to read more. There is sinister foreboding of what is to come. I got the impression that we are reading the inner thoughts of a serial killer who thinks himself to be judge and jury of humanity. Not entirely a unique idea, but still makes for an intriguing story. Great job building up the suspense. I look forward to reading more.
Fenvy reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Overall, it’s a fantastic idea! I love the direction, tone of the speaker, theme of loss of innocence and the negative effects it has on the speaker and developing characters. It’s a real attention getter that can give a great message in a twisted way. Keep it up. If it’s going to be longer, since this reads as an intro, place it in the fiction/novel section for reviews. Good luck!
drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This piece of flash fiction sets the essence of a character, in this case the speaker of the piece. One of the items you’ve selected as criteria is that of attention grabbing and holding.
I have to say that it kept MY attention, but I enjoy reading others work. I feel, from an editorial perspective, that the way the character is projecting their thoughts of innocence being outdate is somewhat cliche. While this cynical view of innocence is something you want your character to be soaked in, it needs to be done in another way.
Example: have the character relate a story in the same amount of words that shows how people arent innocent. When the character first realized their mother wasn’t innocent for example, or some other example. If you wound in some dark humor it would probally score more attention and hold more gazes.
The actual writing if well done. You stitch words together very well. There is one typo where or is spelled ar at the second line of the second paragraph. Otherwise, your grammatical structure and sense lexical sense is well done.
Enjoyed this… would be interested in any revisions.
Stay cool,
D R
Allex_Spires reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Your story is unbelievable because after a stranger walked to me and said, without room for interruption, those first three sentences, I would just get up and walk away. Don’t tell the story, show the story. Let your reader experience the story, as is promised in the first sentence. To a google search for: “Show, don’t just tell” and “Show don’t tell”.
Outmoded. Outmoted is not a word.
Many have done what at my hands?
Who?
Who is Narrator, what gender? Who is Narrator talking to? Who exactly is “Many”?
What?
What does Narrator mean by innocence? What guilt is there in a rock, or a newborn fish? What does Narrator do? What roundabout number does “Many” coincide with? A dozen? Hundreds?
When?
When does the story take place? The BCs? The 1920s? The future? What timeframe does it fall into? The period of a week? An eternity?
Where?
Narrator is talking to me, the reader. Where is Narrator that Narrator is able to do this? Where does Narrator perform Narrator’s atrocious deeds?
Why?
Why is Narrator telling me, or anybody, this story? Why does Narrator not introduce Narrator’s name or occupation? Why doesn’t the audience get up and leave when this person starts talking to them from nowhere? Why does Narrator believe that there is no innocence? Why does Narrator kill because there is no innocence?
How?
How is Narrator able to tell me this story? How does Narrator kill? How does Narrator decide who to kill? How do Narrator’s victims react?
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
outmoted Correct spelling: outmoded
Many have done at my hands… Is it: Many have died at my hands…
Every human being is guilty, therefore every human… Break into 2 sentences: Every human being is guilty. Therefore, every human…
This sounds very intriguing. I especially like this: No names have have been changed because there is no one to protect; no one is innocent.
I think this portion will work extemely well introducing the character and story. Not only that, he could be narrating to someone. You’ve got a juicy strong start of a story, which I think will profit being huger, rather than a flash fiction.
However, you do need action and description of character if you plan to extend this.
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I definitely think this is an attention grabber. The entire concept of innocence and there not being a degree to which people are innocent or guilty is fascinating – like the concept of there being no “little sins”. Especially in our society when everything has a degree.
Just a couple of things to polish up. ”Why does any one person still assume that there is still innocence in this world?” I think you can omit the first “still”. The sentence reads the same and there is no repeated word. ” guilt in one form ar another”, I think that should be “or”. And “Many have done at my hands,...” I’m not sure if you mean, many sins have been done at your hands, or many sinners have died at your hands.
Besides that, it’s off to a wonderful start! There’s so many different directions you could go from here. I’d be interested in reading more!
Showing 1 - 10 of 12
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
12 Reviews 5 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 11 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 140 Times
Skipped: 5 Times
Ratings & Rankings
