Thank you for the kind words, bv. :)
Poetry / A Nightingale's Cry (Analysis)
The world is painted
in dark shades of blue
Mountains bruised
by the burden of night
Black clouds veil
the pale face of the moon
While shadows emerge
from the failing light
Stars scattered
by twilight oppression
In the distance I hear
a nightingale’s cry
Silence is broken
by hopeful expression
A rapturous song
cracking ebony skies
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gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the alliteration of the hard “b”s in the first stanza.
First, your structure (stanzas) are well formed. This means you have revised many times.
An editor just knows when it is seen.
“While,” in 2nd stanza is passive, delete and start with “Shadows,” a noun and hard consonant.
3rd stanza, repetition of “s”’s is nice.
“By, in, a,” delete, don’t add anything to the progression of the poem.
4th stanza, likewise, “is, by, a,” unnecesary,
For example: Silence broken,
hopeful expression,
rapturous song,
cracking ebony skies.
With a short poem like yours you need to be economical, each word with a purpose. Including those one and two letter words.
Subject/Theme: I think of loneliness. The ending, “raptorous,” gives me an image of a lone hawk or eagle soaring the valleys of western USA. A hiker or camper, soaking in the sublime.
Noticed again, 1stP “is, in, of, by” aren’t necessary.
I’d like to see one more stanza to wrap it up. I am from Wisconsin, USA, and the whip-o-will is related to the nightingale, and both come out at night, but are woodland birds that stay close to the ground, and when seen, are usually rolling in gravel or dust.
Here you have a predator at night. Maybe an owl, soaring, huge, big and full of meaning.
Low ratings, only because you need a lot of revision. As an editor I wouldn’t publish it because: lack of specific imagery, wordiness, and lack of final stanza. Don’t worry about ratings. They’ll go up after revision.
I look forward to your revision. Plz. comment or msg.
Blessings, Gbryan
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bravovalenti reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoy poems that are beautiful, subtle and intelligible, capturing a moment laden with meaning. You succeeded beautifully in doing just that. Your style is very conducive to Sondheim-like songwriting for the stage.
kt_writer_girl reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty…Very interesting…I like it…Even though I’m not all that great at understanding poetry sometimes…This is really good…
lostthunder reviewed Version 1 -
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short sweet and to the point. i liked this one simply due to some of the descriptive words used. “Mountains bruised by the burden of night” i especially liked that one. though it seems a little cliche, its still a very nice poem of some sort of hope breaking the darkness. later
diabolico reviewed Version 1 -
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The picture it portrays is wonderful but there is a glaring distraction and that is of punctuation. In poetry, punctuation such as commas, semicolons and periods are used to provide short and long pauses as well as for grammatical correctness. These pauses provide a rhythm which can provide a mood, carry a theme or convey an emotion that the poet wants to elaborate on. This is something that is vital in this poem. Are we to feel elation at the song of the nightingale? Hope? Or is this a hopelessness that we are going into? The rhythm might convey more.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t know much about poetry, but I am trying to learn.
Iusually judge these by how they sound to me, and I enjoyed this one. It had a real nice flow, and I found it rather soothing. Very nice work.
bonsoirdollface reviewed Version 1 -
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The rhyme seems forced, as sparse as it is. The poem does not tell a story, nor a particularly satisfying narrative; adding some kind of distinguishing characteristic to the narrator would help. As of now, it leaves the reader rather groundless.
Retniapdoolb reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the fact that you used detailed words. It really gave good imagery. I gave you a 5 for Publishable – Overall because I think it needs a little more added to it to make it a better peom. You should try to add some more poetic techniques. (similes, methaphors, alliteration, internal rhyme. etc.) Which is also why I gave you a 7 in Poetry overall.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the resonance between blue and bruised in the first stanza, I actually said it out loud to hear it. I appreciate good word combinations. The structure of this piece is solid and it flows nicely. You successfully established a wonderful environment in this too. Great last line. I’m looking forward to reading some more of your stuff as soon as i am done with this. Now.
shadowedxrain reviewed Version 1 -
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You write poetry in the same manner that I do; without punctuation. I really like the imagery you create with the nighttime elements, but I’m curious…what prompted the title? Yes, nighttime and nightingales are related, but is there any special connection?
Overall, loved it.
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